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Sex with Dr. Jess


December 7, 2023

4 Types of Couples — Which One Are You?

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  • Do opposites attract?
  • Are you really attracted to funny people or do you find attractive people funnier?
  • And which type of dating couple are you?

Researchers suggest that there are four types of dating couples and your type can influence whether the relationship lasts. Jess and Brandon explore these research topics in their last episode of 2023.

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

Episode 344

4 Types of Couples — Which One Are You?

[00:00:00] You’re listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice you can use tonight.

[00:00:15] Jess O’Reilly: Alright, alright. Are we ready to talk about four types of couples?

[00:00:17] Brandon Ware: I’m always ready to talk about four types of couples. Which four types of couples are we talking about?

[00:00:21] Jess O’Reilly: Four types of couples. Which one are you? It reminds me of like a quiz. What type of onion are you?

[00:00:26] Brandon Ware: I’m a white onion.

[00:00:28] Jess O’Reilly: You are a white onion.

[00:00:28] Brandon Ware: Because I can only name two types of onions.

[00:00:30] Jess O’Reilly: What’s the other one?

[00:00:31] Brandon Ware: Red onions.

[00:00:32] Jess O’Reilly: What about Vidalia?

[00:00:33] Brandon Ware: I don’t know what that is.

[00:00:34] Jess O’Reilly: Green.

[00:00:35] Brandon Ware: Sure. Green.

[00:00:35] Jess O’Reilly: Yes. Spanish.

[00:00:36] Brandon Ware: Okay. Listen, listen.

[00:00:38] Jess O’Reilly: Shallot.

[00:00:38] Brandon Ware: Onion connoisseur.

[00:00:41] Jess O’Reilly: I like an onion. So we’ll be talking about four types of couples and some research. But before we do that, I wanted to very briefly dive into some other research and data that I’ve come across this week.

[00:00:51] Jess O’Reilly: And we have a little announcement at the end, I guess before we dive into it, I need to shout out adamandeve. com because they’ve got a big, big, big sale going on. And. You can save 50 percent off almost any single item plus free shipping and rush handling with code. Dr. Jess 50,

[00:01:08] Brandon Ware: Dr. Jess 50.

[00:01:09] Jess O’Reilly: Go buy something that vibrates something. Okay. Question for you.

[00:01:12] Brandon Ware: Yes.

[00:01:12] Jess O’Reilly: Are funny people more attractive to you?

[00:01:15] Brandon Ware: Funny people are more attractive.

[00:01:16] Jess O’Reilly: Like, are you attracted to funny people?

[00:01:18] Brandon Ware: Yes.

[00:01:19] Jess O’Reilly: Hang on. Am I funny?

[00:01:19] Brandon Ware: Hold on. Yes. You’re very funny, but what, but what else is like, what’s the and

[00:01:24] Jess O’Reilly: well, the question is, are you attracted to humor? Or do you find attractive people funnier?

[00:01:29] Jess O’Reilly: Okay. I’m going to just say this. So I noticed that every little joke, like every little snide remark, every little kind of anything I say, that’s even a little bit funny, I noticed you really laugh at, and I’m like, this guy’s my biggest fan, but

[00:01:41] Brandon Ware: I’m your biggest fan. For sure.

[00:01:42] Jess O’Reilly: Is it because I’m funny? Is it because you get my jokes or is it because you just like me?

[00:01:46] Brandon Ware: I think it’s a combination of all those things. But I also think that I don’t want somebody who’s. Super funny and not attractive to me. So it’s a combination of both.

[00:01:54] Jess O’Reilly: Oh, you mean physically attractive?

[00:01:55] Brandon Ware: Physically attractive. Yes.

[00:01:57] Jess O’Reilly: Okay. Now everybody talks about how funny you are.

[00:01:59] Brandon Ware: Well, I’m super [00:02:00] hilarious.

[00:02:00] Jess O’Reilly: No, but like everywhere we go, everyone’s like, Brandon’s so funny and I don’t see it.

[00:02:04] Brandon Ware: Yeah, I think you’re, you’re, you’re missing out.

[00:02:08] Jess O’Reilly: Maybe everyone else is more attracted to you.

[00:02:10] Brandon Ware: Sometimes I don’t even need people to hear my jokes. I will just, have you ever caught me laughing to myself?

[00:02:15] Jess O’Reilly: Says the guy who has a microphone in front of him.

[00:02:17] Brandon Ware: I know, but I don’t need people to laugh at my jokes because I can just tell myself jokes. I’m hilarious.

[00:02:21] Jess O’Reilly: I do that because I used to spend so much time alone. I’d like be making jokes in my head and laughing through the airport. Now I have you to be my laugh track. Okay. So Kenneth Tan, an assistant professor of psych at Singapore Management University, he and his team set out to look into whether humor breeds attraction and connection.

[00:02:37] Jess O’Reilly: Or if it is perceived as a result of that attraction and connection. So they studied 108 young couples in relationships. I should probably note that these couples had only been together around 18 months as usual. Convenient sample college, probably college students. So every day they reported their perceptions of humor in their relationships, as well as their levels of satisfaction, commitment.

[00:03:00] Jess O’Reilly: in the relationship and their perceived partner commitment. And what they found was that those who were more satisfied and committed to the relationship on a particular day, also found their partners funnier that day and the next day.

[00:03:13] Brandon Ware: Yeah, I get it.

[00:03:14] Jess O’Reilly: So yeah, like if I’m mad at you, I’m not going to admit you’re funny.

[00:03:16] Brandon Ware: No, but I am funny.

[00:03:18] Jess O’Reilly: Okay. So the moral and Oh, here’s another thing they found. So here’s what the researcher said on the days. Where you were less satisfied and committed with your relationship. You found your partner less humorous, both on the same day, as well as the next. On the other hand, we didn’t find consistent evidence of the reverse.

[00:03:33] Jess O’Reilly: So on the days you perceived and initiated more humor, it wasn’t associated with greater commitment the next day, only satisfaction. So,

[00:03:40] Brandon Ware: so how do you deal with it when we get into an argument, but you find me so funny that day and the next day, like, is it hard for you? Tell me the truth. Like,

[00:03:47] Jess O’Reilly: okay. So we use a lot of humor and I think we laugh even when we’re fighting.

[00:03:52] Brandon Ware: I mean,

[00:03:53] Jess O’Reilly: mostly

[00:03:53] Brandon Ware: one way, but yeah, I get it.

[00:03:55] Jess O’Reilly: Okay. Yeah. Only me. Okay. Moral of the story of this study is that Brandon isn’t funny. I [00:04:00] just like him. Next up, next study, apparently, okay. Let me ask you what you think. Do you think opposites attract?

[00:04:08] Brandon Ware: No, not entirely.

[00:04:09] Jess O’Reilly: Okay.

[00:04:10] Brandon Ware: I think that there are, we have a lot of similarities.

[00:04:12] Brandon Ware: I think our core values align in a lot of ways. And I think because of that, we are. Um, we engage in conversations, perhaps we commiserate, uh, but I think that those core fundamental values align. And I think that that is so contradicting your opposites attract, but there are other parts of our, of our being, of our personalities that I think are very opposite, I think.

[00:04:35] Jess O’Reilly: I think of us as so opposite in so many ways.

[00:04:37] Brandon Ware: Yeah, I mean, I think that you’re much more of an extrovert than I am.

[00:04:40] Jess O’Reilly: That’s funny though, because I think when people meet you, you, you also kind of come across as an extrovert. Like you’re pretty chatty, you initiate conversation, you ask people a lot of questions, you like to entertain.

[00:04:49] Jess O’Reilly: This man loves to tell a story. He likes to hold the whole table and tell a story.

[00:04:54] Brandon Ware: Yes, only if it’s a good story though. And I’ve got some good stories. Wow. But. I guess I’m just thinking about how much of an extrovert I perceive you as. And yes, you’re right. I am not an introvert. I am just more introverted than you are.

[00:05:08] Brandon Ware: So perhaps the bar for that is, is quite.

[00:05:11] Jess O’Reilly: Just cause I’ll talk to anyone for any given time.

[00:05:13] Brandon Ware: We were at the other day and you were talking to someone. I’m like, why are you talking to this person? I’m like, I don’t want to talk to this person right now. Like I just want to take my coffee and go. And I love talking to a barista, but I’m just saying.

[00:05:22] Brandon Ware: I just didn’t want to talk that day.

[00:05:23] Jess O’Reilly: So yeah, I guess we have lots in common, but also we’re very, we’re very different in some ways. So this study, they reviewed previous research and they actually looked at 22 traits across nearly 200 research papers. So it involved millions of partnerships. They were all male to female because they’re doing a separate analysis on the same sex partnership data.

[00:05:42] Jess O’Reilly: And so they looked at all of these old studies, or not old, but studies, 200 papers, and some of them did go. Quite a ways back, like a hundred years. And then they looked at newer data. So an analysis of 133 trades. What’s so funny?

[00:05:55] Brandon Ware: I’m just like, what are you like? I love walking up the hill, 480 [00:06:00] vertical feet and snow with no shoes on.

[00:06:03] Jess O’Reilly: Is that what you think the world was like

[00:06:04] Brandon Ware: a hundred years ago? That’s what it was. Yep. That, and it’s like, I don’t know, a whole bunch of other things. ,

[00:06:10] Jess O’Reilly: I’m watching the Gilded Age, not gonna comment on that. That’s even longer than a hundred years ago. And they didn’t walk. They were rich people. They took carriages,

[00:06:15] Brandon Ware: they took them with horses.

[00:06:17] Jess O’Reilly: I don’t know.

[00:06:18] Brandon Ware: They were pooping in a poop bag behind them. I, so, and you could smell it. This is, this is where my brain goes.

[00:06:22] Jess O’Reilly: This is why I don’t watch TV with you.

[00:06:24] Brandon Ware: Yeah, I know.

[00:06:24] Jess O’Reilly: Okay. So in addition to the 200 papers they reviewed, they looked at 133 traits in nearly 80,000 couples who are enrolled in the UK Biobank project.

[00:06:35] Jess O’Reilly: All right.

[00:06:35] Brandon Ware: Curious about what the biobank project is.

[00:06:37] Jess O’Reilly: I know, I really should have looked that up. They give urine and marital satisfaction data.

[00:06:41] Brandon Ware: What kind of bodily fluids do you have to volunteer biobank?

[00:06:45] Jess O’Reilly: Okay, fast forward. Both data analyses found that couples pretty much match up across a range of traits, including political and religious views.

[00:06:53] Jess O’Reilly: Doesn’t surprise me. IQ. education levels, and even habits like smoking, drinking, heavy drinking. So height, weight, medical problems, and personality traits, um, some of those types of things varied among couples. And here’s an interesting one for you. Extroverts were no more likely to partner up with other extroverts than introverts.

[00:07:12] Brandon Ware: Interesting.

[00:07:12] Jess O’Reilly: So there’s that one thing that’s different, but Overall, these traits, including, for example, age, makes sense, number of sexual partners in the past, and even whether or not they were breastfed as a child tended to match up. Were you breastfed? Do you know, do you remember?

[00:07:25] Brandon Ware: I don’t, I don’t recall.

[00:07:27] Brandon Ware: I don’t remember anything from before I was about 10.

[00:07:30] Jess O’Reilly: Well, I don’t think anybody remembers like the act of being breastfed.

[00:07:34] Brandon Ware: Or is anybody, can somebody else please email it? Tell me if this is how you feel. Maybe before I was eight, I think I remember one event from every year. Maybe it’s like, what am I blocking out?

[00:07:45] Jess O’Reilly: I remember being free.

[00:07:47] Brandon Ware: You remember everything. You remember the day your sister was born.

[00:07:50] Jess O’Reilly: Yeah, I do remember the day my sister was born, which was exactly, I guess, 37 months after I was born.

[00:07:55] Brandon Ware: Yeah. I don’t remember anything from before. I was like, seriously, I think my first memory is when I was like. [00:08:00] Five,

[00:08:00] Jess O’Reilly: and I remember details

[00:08:02] Brandon Ware: and then there’s a big gap to eight.

[00:08:04] Jess O’Reilly: Those are the three bad years.

[00:08:05] Brandon Ware: Something happened there.

[00:08:07] Jess O’Reilly: Okay. So, okay. So we basically have previous research prior to the study that has shown that romantic partners tend to share core beliefs, values, hobbies, and we tend to connect with people who are in our area, right? So in our friend group, in our general proximity, and so they’re.

[00:08:23] Jess O’Reilly: pointing to some concerns around, for example, concentration of wealth, because the more we continue to partner with people with similar family backgrounds, similar economic backgrounds, similar educational backgrounds, and therefore similar career and earning prospects, the more some of us will be able to.

[00:08:40] Jess O’Reilly: Kind of hoard and grow that wealth for the future unless we redistribute wealth for generations and then it can of course make climbing the economic ladder harder for folks who don’t have access.

[00:08:49] Brandon Ware: So kind of reminds me a little bit of that attraction selection attrition model where you know who you attract is like it ends up being very homogenous.

[00:08:58] Brandon Ware: Like the type of people that you attract.

[00:09:00] Jess O’Reilly: And so that’s a model from IO psychology. So it tends to work, relate to the workplace. So maybe explain that for folks.

[00:09:06] Brandon Ware: So, I mean, from what I understood, it was you attract a certain type of people. You select that type of people that you, you know, that you embody the principles that you reflect, and then the attrition from people who maybe don’t fit into that same model results in homogeneity in your organization, or perhaps even within your friend group.

[00:09:23] Brandon Ware: So it’s just making me think about those same principles and you’re talking about. Those circles.

[00:09:28] Jess O’Reilly: So what are in the IO side, like in the organizational side, what are some ways to offset the fact that we tend to attract and further support people who are like us?

[00:09:38] Brandon Ware: Well, I mean, diversity is the biggest one.

[00:09:40] Brandon Ware: I mean, just having people in your organization making those decisions and being involved in those decisions, I would assume bringing different perspectives and different, um, analyses is a huge contributor to that. Changing that model

[00:09:52] Jess O’Reilly: and really thinking of the supports because we, okay, yes, you can attract the candidates, but how do you make sure that it’s a supportive environment for [00:10:00] them, an environment where they can not only succeed, but kind of grow in that role.

[00:10:04] Jess O’Reilly: And I would think that the supports we tend to seek out or enact or prioritize, like in that, say at the management level or the executive level are ones that appeal to us. So we have to think outside that box. Right.

[00:10:15] Brandon Ware: Yeah.

[00:10:15] Jess O’Reilly: And so I’m thinking, okay, so it’s. Inorganizational programming, it seems more straightforward to me.

[00:10:20] Jess O’Reilly: But what do we do in dating if we keep going after the same type of person?

[00:10:24] Brandon Ware: What was I reading or, or somebody was telling us something recently. Nobody was telling us anything. I was thinking about that dating app. I’m sorry. In Ted Lasso, where it wasn’t, there was no physical mark, like there was no photographs.

[00:10:37] Brandon Ware: There was nothing. You remember that whole, um, where it was just based on how Sam ends up with Rebecca. But I mean, thinking about that from a dating perspective, maybe looking beyond, you know, who you have historically wanted or been told to date.

[00:10:53] Jess O’Reilly: The problem is with resources, people like we, I still hear so many people talking about wanting to date someone who earns as much as them or earns more than them.

[00:11:01] Jess O’Reilly: And then we see that along gender lines. We’re not going to solve that problem today.

[00:11:05] Brandon Ware: No, not today.

[00:11:06] Jess O’Reilly: But all of us a little bit at a time. Okay. So now we get to why we’re here. What type of onion are you? So a university. A University of Illinois researcher, Brian Ogolsky, has identified four distinct approaches that dating couples use to develop deeper commitment.

[00:11:28] Jess O’Reilly: So he’s categorized them after analyzing data from 376 couples who are dating in their mid 20s, again, that young sample. And he tracked their commitment levels and their reasons for staying committed or not staying committed over the course of nine months. And so before we get into the four types, I think we have to talk about what commitment is in relationships.

[00:11:48] Jess O’Reilly: And because it’s a study, I think we have to look at how commitment is generally designed in research that looks at relationships. So commitment in relationships is usually centered around two [00:12:00] things. So the attachment and the intention to continue the relationship. And in research, they’ll often talk about it being influenced by satisfaction.

[00:12:08] Jess O’Reilly: by investments in the relationship and by the absence or downgrading of better alternatives. And so the one that strikes me as super important here is investments, because that’s really the way I like to frame relationships. And I know some people don’t love that word, but I’m literal, so I like it. And so the investment model, when we look at relationships, defines commitment in three components.

[00:12:31] Jess O’Reilly: So psychological attachment, so that, I guess, emotional bond. Long term orientation, which is the belief. In the relationship’s future and then intention to persist, which is just, you know, commitment and motivation to continue the relationship. And these components tend to operate differently in different types of relationships.

[00:12:49] Jess O’Reilly: So dating versus for example, long term or married. So in dating couples, the belief that the relationship will last is crucial for quality and stability. And in long term committed, for example, married couples, the intention to stay together is the most important. important factor in avoiding divorce.

[00:13:06] Jess O’Reilly: That doesn’t mean that it, it’s representative satisfaction, but if we’re going to talk about commitment and look at these four types of dating couples, and I think it can apply even if you’re not dating. So I just think it’s important to note that dating and married or committed couples experience commitment differently with future expectations playing different roles.

[00:13:24] Jess O’Reilly: So basically I’ll get to the fun stuff, the types of onions. So the first type of couples. Couple that they found was the dramatic couple.

[00:13:32] Brandon Ware: What? Oh my God. Tell me more about them.

[00:13:37] Jess O’Reilly: So these couples tend to have more turbulent relationships characterized by more frequent ups and downs. Their commitment tends to fluctuate more wildly and is often influenced by negative events.

[00:13:50] Jess O’Reilly: Or discouraging or negative thoughts about the relationship. So one thing they found with dramatic couples is they tend to prioritize spending time with separate [00:14:00] friend groups, with individual friends and engaging in separate activities, which is interesting because we definitely do that.

[00:14:05] Brandon Ware: Yeah, absolutely.

[00:14:06] Brandon Ware: Yeah.

[00:14:07] Jess O’Reilly: And what they found with dramatic couples is that this instability can erode the commitment over time. Now, having said that, he’s come up with these four types, or the team has come up with these four types, but you can fluctuate between them, and at different periods in your relationship, and over the course of dating, it can change.

[00:14:23] Brandon Ware: In the dramatic group, did they make reference to whether or not the instability is as a result of, sorry, having the different friend? Is that what they were saying or did they not really elaborate on it?

[00:14:32] Jess O’Reilly: I don’t know if they drew, I think they just drew a correlation.

[00:14:35] Brandon Ware: Oh, okay.

[00:14:35] Jess O’Reilly: So, I mean, if you go and read just regular mainstream articles, they’ll go and overstate those things.

[00:14:41] Jess O’Reilly: So if you ever read articles on any topic, especially, I mean, I’m obviously more familiar with relationship stuff. Sometimes I’ll read an article with an interesting framework like this in a magazine or in a newspaper, but then mostly in magazines, I see these problems. Then I go to the journal where it was published and Sometimes what they’ll state in the magazine is either overstated or inaccurate, right?

[00:15:03] Jess O’Reilly: Like they’ll, so they’ll sometimes draw that correlation and turn it into a causation, right? It’s something like having separate friends leads to unhappy relationships when in fact, if you go to the data, that’s not exactly what it says or not even close.

[00:15:16] Brandon Ware: So after dramatic, what do we have?

[00:15:18] Jess O’Reilly: Okay. We have partner focused couples.

[00:15:20] Jess O’Reilly: So couples in this category have the highest likelihood of staying together and being content in the longterm. So again, remember they’re looking at people who are dating here, not married couples, and actually the purpose of this study was to look at movement towards marriage specifically. And then there’s all sorts of cultural commentary that we could talk about there, right?

[00:15:37] Jess O’Reilly: Because people’s personal views, sociocultural views toward marriage vary, not everybody wants to get married. In fact, I was reading a super interesting article about attitudes toward. Marriage in Spain specifically today and how people are very conflicted about marriage. It’s a very small percentage of young people who are either traditionalists or eager to get married.

[00:15:57] Brandon Ware: Well, in having these conversations with [00:16:00] people in different, uh, bars and restaurants and cafes, when we’ve been to Spain, hearing them talk about how they perceive relationships and marriage, like even the other day, talking to somebody in Spain about, uh, children and children being the, almost like the catalyst to getting.

[00:16:15] Brandon Ware: Married or being, um, sorry, a prenuptial agreement, almost like a civil agreement that they have here. So it’s just very different from country to country.

[00:16:23] Jess O’Reilly: Yeah. And it’s also different from generation to generation. So I actually was able to quickly pull up the study on marital beliefs and concerns of Spanish emerging adults.

[00:16:31] Jess O’Reilly: So I think the age was 18 to 30. So young people, but still adults, 9 percent fall into the indifferent category. 8 percent reject marriage. 15. 5 percent are hesitant. About getting married, 5 percent are convinced. So you’ve got 5 percent who are committed to the idea. They need to put them in one bar so they can all find each other.

[00:16:52] Jess O’Reilly: Like here’s here. That’ll be the nightclub that opens at 11 PM instead of 1 AM. And then they have 2. 5 percent who are traditionalists. So they believe in the concept of marriage as well. And then the largest group say that it’s contextual. So it depends on the context of the relationship, whether or not you have kids, whether you have the financial means and that’s 60%.

[00:17:10] Jess O’Reilly: But if we go back to, you know, partner focused couples having the highest likelihood of staying together, we also have to think about how the study was looking at movement toward marriage and that there are other reasons we don’t want marriage and it’s not necessarily about the partner. So partner focused couples exhibit high levels of conscientiousness.

[00:17:28] Jess O’Reilly: They emphasize thoughtfulness in their relationship choices. Many of their decisions are made with the focus of one another in mind. They may share a social network, but they don’t heavily rely on it to maintain their commitment. So, I mean, I think I’ll go through them, but I think that most folks Can kind of see where they fall, even if you’re really early in the dating relationship, because I get a lot of questions that I’m not qualified to answer around, how do I know if this person is the one for me, but I think that if you can look and say, okay, so we’re, we seem like we’re more dramatic or we seem like [00:18:00] we’re more partner focused or next step, we have socially involved couples, and I think we’re probably seeing more of these, they didn’t indicate.

[00:18:07] Jess O’Reilly: The percentage of the general population who falls into each category in terms of daters. But I think we probably see more socially involved couples because more of us are dating within our friend groups or starting to date friends, people we’ve been friends with for years. Similar to partner focused couples, the socially involved couples report very high relationship satisfaction and stability.

[00:18:26] Jess O’Reilly: And they share a social network and this network influences their commitment to the relationship. So having mutual friends strengthens their sense of closeness and commitment. And it really aligns with the idea that long term relationships are perhaps based on friendship based love or supported by a friend group.

[00:18:43] Jess O’Reilly: And I I’ve seen so much data in this respect that the way your friends feel about your partner. Influences or is sorry, is correlated with how you feel about your partner. And then finally we have conflict ridden couples. So these couples experience decreases in commitment after conflicts or arguments, but it doesn’t necessarily lead to a breakup.

[00:19:03] Jess O’Reilly: So these are the ups and downs, right? So their commitment levels can ebb and flow because of tension and conflict, basically pushing them apart. But then here’s the fun part. Passionate attraction, pulling them back together. So this type of love may not be sustainable in the long run. And individuals in these couples may transition between kind of different groups over time.

[00:19:22] Jess O’Reilly: So you can have conflict ridden periods, but still have, you know, stability in the relationship because you’re also partner focused or you lean on your social networks.

[00:19:33] Brandon Ware: It’s passion centered,

[00:19:34] Jess O’Reilly: conflict ridden couples,

[00:19:35] Brandon Ware: conflict ridden, have a lot of passion. I’m sorry. I just, it sounds exhausting.

[00:19:38] Jess O’Reilly: See, I’ve always been a little jealous of these couples.

[00:19:40] Jess O’Reilly: I’m like, I want to be so mad at you that the passion overtakes me and it’s just. Like animalistic, visceral, nasty attraction.

[00:19:48] Brandon Ware: Yeah. When I’m angry, I’m just angry.

[00:19:50] Jess O’Reilly: Yeah, I know.

[00:19:50] Brandon Ware: I’m just, I’m not like, yeah, let’s do it. I’m, I’m always like, Oh, I’m just so upset right now. I don’t want to do it.

[00:19:58] Jess O’Reilly: So anyhow, I think these, [00:20:00] these four frameworks can be interesting to think about how you cross over.

[00:20:03] Jess O’Reilly: Because I think that, for example, we’ve had periods where, where it has been more conflict ridden. I definitely think we’ve had some periods where we’re socially involved, but we don’t really share. We don’t share a close friend network, but we have a lot of overlap socially. And also our social overlaps with our professional.

[00:20:19] Jess O’Reilly: So we have a lot of overlap.

[00:20:20] Brandon Ware: Yeah, I would agree with that for sure.

[00:20:21] Jess O’Reilly: And my friends are friends with you.

[00:20:23] Brandon Ware: Yeah, I’m friends with your friends, but I don’t, I wouldn’t call them to hang out. So I feel like we definitely have independent friend groups in that respect. Or your friends. I have, I, my friend is, uh.

[00:20:34] Jess O’Reilly: Who’s your friend?

[00:20:35] Brandon Ware: I have friend. They’re going to remain anonymous.

[00:20:37] Jess O’Reilly: I’m definitely I don’t need to tell you who my friend is. I actually think that, you know, these are just four frameworks, but they’re certainly not exhaustive because I was thinking about people where I, for example, have a social network and you tap into that social network.

[00:20:51] Brandon Ware: Yes, I would agree with that. And I think I benefit more from your friend group. Like I know that your friends would support me.

[00:20:57] Jess O’Reilly: Some of them,

[00:20:58] Brandon Ware: some of them, but I do know that in all seriousness, that your friend group is a source and can be a source of support for me, whereas I don’t think that my friend group would be that same source of support for you.

[00:21:07] Jess O’Reilly: Cause I don’t know their names.

[00:21:08] Brandon Ware: Well, yeah. Cause I don’t have any friends.

[00:21:11] Jess O’Reilly: I was also thinking about dramatic couples who have these turbulent relationships with frequent ups and downs. And I know that I can be a little bit like that.

[00:21:17] Brandon Ware: Yeah. I mean, I think that we all go through points, maybe short lived. I mean, in our relationship, short lived periods of time where there is drama or dramatic responses to situations.

[00:21:27] Jess O’Reilly: I’m a dramatic responder. You don’t know. Cause it’s inside of me. And I’m like, I don’t like this guy. I’m like, it’s pretty, I only feel it for a hot.

[00:21:35] Brandon Ware: And then I crack a joke and it’s like, Oh, how can you leave this?

[00:21:39] Jess O’Reilly: Okay. Anyhow, thought I would share that in case you are dating, because I have been getting more questions from daters and I don’t have as much experience working with daters, but I thought this piece of research could be interesting.

[00:21:50] Brandon Ware: You work with daters all the time. You’re always providing insights and guidance and counsel.

[00:21:55] Jess O’Reilly: Yes,

[00:21:55] Brandon Ware: but downplaying your skills.

[00:21:57] Jess O’Reilly: You know what it is, the dating markets are so [00:22:00] complex and all I hear from people kind of all around the world is how difficult it is. So in Toronto, they’re like, Toronto is the worst place to date.

[00:22:06] Jess O’Reilly: In Barcelona, they’re like, Barcelona is the worst place to date. And I hear about that in New York City. New York City is the worst place to date. LA is the worst place to date. Everybody’s flaky.

[00:22:15] Brandon Ware: Has anyone ever commented on how great it is to date in a certain city or a certain area? Because I can’t think of it.

[00:22:21] Jess O’Reilly: So I definitely hear from North Americans who like dating in Europe. They do. Like, for example, I hear from Americans who go over to Germany and they like dating because people are straightforward.

[00:22:30] Brandon Ware: Yeah. I was going to say that about, I heard, I’ve heard that about Irish, the Irish and the British,

[00:22:34] Jess O’Reilly: the Brits.

[00:22:35] Brandon Ware: Yeah. Maybe it’s more just at a, at the club. I’ve heard from people who went to the club and. I think the club, just the one,

[00:22:43] Jess O’Reilly: the one club,

[00:22:43] Brandon Ware: the one night club, but where, and I think it’s because women are more honest and transparent about what it is they want.

[00:22:51] Jess O’Reilly: Oh, you mean women are more likely to initiate contact?

[00:22:54] Brandon Ware: Yes.

[00:22:55] Jess O’Reilly: Whereas in Toronto, nobody,

[00:22:56] Brandon Ware: nobody does anything. Yeah, it’s like, Hey, let’s play the guessing game.

[00:23:00] Jess O’Reilly: And then they’re like, you’re stuck up. Okay. So when I say I don’t, I, I tend to work more with couples. Let’s be honest. Like I tend to work more with couples, but when I do come across research that I think is interesting to daters, I like to kind of dive into it.

[00:23:12] Jess O’Reilly: And I think some of these things can apply regardless of where you are in the relationship.

[00:23:15] Brandon Ware: Absolutely.

[00:23:16] Jess O’Reilly: So we’ll leave it at that. This was a little bit of a quickie and there’s a couple of reasons for that. Or maybe it’s not a quickie. I have no concept of how long things last for. Brandon can tell me.

[00:23:25] Brandon Ware: This is great. It’s wonderful. Yes. Babe,

[00:23:27] Jess O’Reilly: Brandon can tell me something lasted 40 minutes. And I’m like, okay, but why is Brooklyn nine, nine still on? It’s a 24 minute program,

[00:23:34] Brandon Ware: long episode, long episode,

[00:23:36] Jess O’Reilly: extended version. So we spoke about burnout recently. And on that note, we have had many private conversations without the mics.

[00:23:44] Jess O’Reilly: And we’re going to take a little break from the podcast.

[00:23:46] Brandon Ware: Yeah, we are going to take a break.

[00:23:47] Jess O’Reilly: Take a little break.

[00:23:48] Brandon Ware: But you know what, for people who are listening and going back through the archives, I, I’ve give us a rating, give us a, give us a rating and if you like what you like, if you like what you’re, yeah, really, but if you like what you’re listening [00:24:00] to, give us a rating.

[00:24:00] Brandon Ware: We would appreciate it. I would appreciate it.

[00:24:02] Jess O’Reilly: Especially on Spotify.

[00:24:04] Brandon Ware: Yeah, for sure.

[00:24:05] Jess O’Reilly: That’d be great. And then we’ll be back with more. I think in the new year, but right now I just need to breathe a little. So we’ll send it off with that. Wishing everyone a happy upcoming holiday break. If you’re taking one, hoping that you do get some rest and some peace and some love and the word that’s on my mind is ease.

[00:24:24] Brandon Ware: I hope so.

[00:24:24] Jess O’Reilly: I feel pretty emotional right now. Not just about taking the break, but about the idea of easing into hopefully a little bit of quiet over the holidays until. The family arrives, so no quiet. And I will again, shout out Adam and Eve code DrJess50. If you are shopping for fun stuff over the holidays for yourself, for a partner, for a friend,

[00:24:45] Brandon Ware: for anyone,

[00:24:45] Jess O’Reilly: adamandeve. com. Thanks folks. Thanks so much for listening and I hope you have a lovely holiday and all the best for the upcoming year.

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