Like Sex with Dr. Jess on FacebookFollow Sex with Dr. Jess on InstagramFollow Sex with Dr. Jess on TwitterSubscribe to Sex with Dr. Jess's channel on YouTubeSubscribe to Sex with Dr. Jess's RSS feed
Sex with Dr. Jess


May 25, 2023

How To Get Over Performance Anxiety

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Performance pressure can affect pleasure and sexual response from the desire to erections to orgasms and more. In this episode, Jess and Brandon discuss:

  • The most common sources of performance pressure
  • How to talk to a partner about your experience with performance pressure
  • Strategies to reduce pressure and increase pleasure
  • Mindful touch exercises to offset the symptoms of performance pressure
  • Techniques to tune into pleasure

Save with code PODCAST on the Mindful Sex Course on the Happier Couples website.

If you have podcast questions, please submit them here. Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast on Apple PodcastsSpotifyPodbeanGoogle Podcasts, Amazon MusicStitcher!

SexWithDrJess - Podcast Banner

Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

How To Get Over Performance Anxiety

Episode 318

[00:00:00] You’re listening to The Sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and Relationship Advice you can use tonight. Welcome to the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast. I’m your co-host Brandon here with my lovely other half, Dr. Jess. Oh, way to start the podcast. So you knew what I was doing. Yeah, of course I did. I’m making the cruise sound because we’re heading out on a cruise tomorrow.

[00:00:30] And that’s, isn’t that the sound They le they they make when they leave point. It’s mine. It’s not the tutut little engine that could woo your Sounds like a donkey. No, yours sounds like a donkey. You’ve heard a donkey go-to too? No. What you just did. You were he, have you ever ridden a donkey? Probably, yeah.

[00:00:46] When? When I was a kid. I don’t know why there were always donkeys in Jamaica to ride. No. Like they’d come by and try and get you to ride the donkey and, but did they say it was a horse? No, I don’t know what they said, but there was definitely a donkey and I remember I never had on clothes. So all the pictures of just are genocide.

[00:01:02] Naked? Not naked. I had on underwear. Oh, okay. Um, on a donkey. I’m gonna pull up those pictures. Make it the, the profile picture. Profile picture for this, for this one, for this episode. Anyhow, we’re heading out on the Venice Rome Cruise with Desire Resorts Clothing optional. I’m there for work, which means I’ll be hosting a couple couples workshops.

[00:01:20] Will you be riding a donkey topless? Listen, if you wanna ride a donkey topless. Desire cruise, that is the place to do it. Well, actually, on the last cruise, we were on a cruise with them a few months ago, and we were, we went through the Greek aisles. And if anyone’s ever been to Santorini, you know, there’s a couple of ways to get up the hill when you dock at the bottom.

[00:01:40] So you can walk mostly through donkey crap. You can, which is what we did. Which is what we did. Yes, yes. Because there was a six hour line to take the, uh, the funicular, or I don’t know what you call it. Some sort of cable car. Yeah, there’s a line for the cable car or you can take the donkeys, but I didn’t have like five euros, so we walked up through the donkey poo.

[00:01:58] It would be [00:02:00] very sexy if somebody had had taken off their top and wrote it up. This switchback mountains. Side full of donkey crap. There was no, there was nothing sexy about it. Do you remember? It was so incredibly hot and it smelled like poopoo. Yeah, we got, but then you got back on the boat and the boat was sexy.

[00:02:17] The boat was amazing, and I have to stop calling it a boat. It’s a ship. It’s a yacht. Anyhow, this time we’re going to, we’re starting in cia, so just. You know, part of the Venice Lagoon, and then we’re heading to two stops in Croatia. Then we’re stopping in Montenegro. I’ve never been to Montenegro, and then we head to AM Mai.

[00:02:33] Oh, I’m so excited for that. And Soreto. And the last time we went to Sorento, we were young. Do you remember? I do remember, yes. Yeah. And so I’m really excited to see maybe another side of it now that I’m a little bit older and have a, I can eat something other than oranges and cake. It felt like it took my life in my hands when we were going along the Amalfi coast, because I rented a scooter and little did I know that every Italian.

[00:02:53] Is in an F1 driver driving along the coast. In a bus? Yeah, in a bus. So I’m whipping along on this awesome scooter. I got Jess on the back. 10 ccs telling me, yeah. Telling me, oh my God babe, you gotta look over the side. And I’m like, if I take my eyes off the road, we’re dead. We are 100% dead and. Every Italian driving that coast.

[00:03:12] I, I swear everyone was an F1 driver. They’re, I don’t believe they’re pros. They’re pros because they’re used to driving that coast. Yeah. Anyhow, excited for that. I think Amalfi’s probably the stop or maybe Sorento that I’m most excited for. And then we end up in Rome, so should be fun. Uh, if you have questions about the desire cruises, you can definitely hit us up.

[00:03:27] But today we are answering your questions. Well, one question because it’s a big one around performance anxiety. So I will read out the question that was sent in. Here we go. I was wondering if you could cover ways to get over performance anxiety during sex. I’m a man. My wife has very high requirements about sex, which can often make me feel too nervous to get hard.

[00:03:47] I’m in my mid thirties now, so things are slowing down, but she expects me to be, to get hard anytime on a schedule, which I can’t. This happened a few times and now I get very anxious. If we’re about to have sex alone, I can get erected very easily. But during [00:04:00] things with her, I find I can’t, I find her attractive, but I just can’t relax and I overthink when things happen now, and I was hoping for advice on how to move past this.

[00:04:08] Hmm. All right. Well, yeah, this is tough. I’m sorry you’re going through this first and foremost because you know, it sounds like you’re dealing with this negative feedback, Luke, with the stress response, which involves, you know, that spike in cortisol, maybe even a bit of the. Fight or flight response. And fear can’t always be differentiated, right?

[00:04:26] So when you, when you feel a little bit fearful that your wife is gonna be upset or that you’re not gonna respond the way you want to, the body can interpret that fear as something actually threatening. And so when something’s actually threatening, the blood is obviously not rushing to your genitals.

[00:04:39] And so you’re not able to get an erection. You want the opposite of that fight or flight response. You want the relaxation response. And when we think about. Performance pressure. There are just so many sources, right? We’ve got sociocultural messages, we’ve got gender stereotypes, we’ve got unrealistic expectations from porn where everyone’s always hard and it’s just a bunch of sword fights out there.

[00:04:59] We have like, you know, all of our personal feelings around virility and sexuality and worth. I think there’s, you know, the lack of sex education and lack of opportunities to learn that sex doesn’t need to look one specific way. I think there’s also a lack of conversation around pleasure. More generally and connection, and there’s more of this hyper focus on being good in bed and performing and that there’s this kind of visual marker of what makes you good.

[00:05:24] And so we’ve got all this pressure from all of these different sources. And then when a partner even inadvertently reinforces the pressure, it can be so stressful and so hurtful and so damaging to the relationship. And it, what it really does is it takes away from. Pleasure. So I definitely wanna hear from you, babe, on your experience in a moment, because you’ve definitely dealt with performance pressure.

[00:05:46] I, I think you would admit that you’re a little prone to getting in your head and worrying about a. Things that never actually happen, right? You start to worry about things that you don’t really have to worry about. And B, worrying about things that even if they did [00:06:00] happen, it wouldn’t actually be a big deal.

[00:06:01] It wouldn’t really be a thing. And so oftentimes the things we worry about are unfounded. Although in this case it sounds like you know, the partner might be upset and it’s normal to worry about things that would never happen. Or even if they did happen, they wouldn’t be awful. And that’s because feelings are real and they.

[00:06:17] Affect you, and you definitely don’t have to apologize for them. But even if a feeling is real, it doesn’t mean that it’s rational, right? So your feelings are valid, but they may not be rational. So your fear related feelings, you know, anxiety and worry are often founded in, in old wounds, in unrealistic expectations, but not in the rational or valid piece, in the sense that they’re not always, you know, commensurate with the feared outcome that causes that meaning we worry more about an outcome, and the outcome isn’t as bad as it is.

[00:06:43] But when you get a partner who even unknowingly creates that outcome that you fear, then that anxiety becomes really, really reinforced. So I think we’re gonna start with your partner’s expectations, but babe, maybe you can weigh in on your perspective and your experience with performance anxiety or getting in your head.

[00:07:01] Yeah. I mean, for me, I think it’s more just about getting in my own head, even when I have no reason to get in my own head. I get in my own head, I’m a warrior. Right, like it’s something that I’ve done. I’m actively, you know, kind of working on that. But yes, I get in my own head and oftentimes that outcome that I’m afraid of doesn’t actually come to fruition.

[00:07:19] Like it doesn’t happen. But it’s this idea. I plant this seed in my mind and think, oh, this is what could happen. And then I fixate. On that being a possibility rather than enjoying the, the experience, the moment. And this doesn’t just pertain to sex, this pertains to anything. When I’m catastrophizing and thinking about what’s the worst possible outcome here, when I fixate on that, that’s all I can think of and I can’t enjoy the moment.

[00:07:44] And then I start you, you know, going through that negative feedback loop that you talk about. So I’ve had to learn to break the cycle on, on that. And by doing it, you said a few things that immediately resonate with me. The idea of, you know, kind of. Reevaluating and thinking about what sex is, because if this [00:08:00] person is having a hard time getting hard or staying hard or whatever the, that, that is, sex doesn’t have to be penetration.

[00:08:07] Like, that’s one of the first things that I think of as I’m like, okay, so focus on your partner, focus on how you’re feeling, focus on. Everything else that’s going on, and don’t worry about whatever it is that’s not happening to you. So can you just go down? Like is that an avenue that you could, you could pursue, or that you could go down and perhaps with a little bit of time, and then with the relaxation that comes from that, your own relaxation, maybe all of a sudden this person gets an erection and then everything’s right back to where they wanted it to be.

[00:08:36] So that’s where I immediately go. So you say that you’re a warrior and that you’re working on it, and so you kind of used some examples of what you might do in the bedroom. Tune into the pleasure. Mm-hmm. Focus on other stuff that’s going on, like maybe focus on one specific sense. Right. What about outside the bedroom?

[00:08:52] What are you doing more generally? Hmm. To get rid of the worry. Yeah, outside of the bedroom, I’m just learning to reevaluate what that worst case scenario is and why. First of all, why am I thinking about it? Why is that the first place that I’m going? Why is it? Um, I think because it’s, it’s a safety, it’s, for me, it’s if I can plan for the worst mm or.

[00:09:13] And then think about every possible opportunity that I can do to stop that from happening. It’s a control thing. So if I can control the possibility of mitigating the damage associated with that worst case scenario, then I’ve prepared myself in advance and everything’s fine. Oftentimes 95, 90 9% of the time, that worst case doesn’t actually happen.

[00:09:31] So I’ve. God invested all this effort into preparing for something that doesn’t happen, rather than thinking to myself, okay, you know, that’s a worst case possibility. But you know what? Let’s just shelve that for a minute. What, what’s the best case scenario? What’s, what are a few really good opportunities that could come outta this rather than worst case?

[00:09:50] And I’m thinking about things where, you know, for instance, let’s think about a work scenario. You get a phone call. From somebody and, and immediately, rather than assuming, oh my gosh, this person’s calling because of something bad is happening, oh my, oh no, what’s the [00:10:00] worst? It’s like, no, they’re calling.

[00:10:01] Everything’s fine. What’s up? Hey, how are you? You know what’s going on? And then yes, you’ve reinforced this idea that it’s not worst case scenario. And I think that working on that mindset outside the bedroom is so important. I think however, Because it sounds like part of the source of pressure is coming from the partner here.

[00:10:18] We’ve got kind of a unique situation, and I think definitely the way we approach performance pressure depends on the source of the pressure. And so in this case, this person is perceiving the pressure to be coming from their partner. So she may be pressuring him. It may be a combo of her messaging and how he’s receiving it.

[00:10:34] I wanna clarify, you know, I’m, I’m not gonna assign fault here, but I do wanna identify that a conversation is in order. I think it would be really helpful to go to her and say, you know, I get the feeling you want me to get hard right away. Is that true? So first, before you kind of accuse her of here’s what you’re asking of me, make sure it’s true, or make sure that she perceives it to be true, because there’s, you know, her truth, your truth, something in between.

[00:10:57] So I think if you can approach that conversation with curiosity as opposed to blame, I think you can start a meaningful conversation and maybe ask some questions about, If this expectation does exist, where is it coming from? You know, you might share reassurances that you want to have sex, that you, maybe you wanna be hard if you do that, you want her, but the pressure you’re experiencing is stressing you out, and I think, I’m curious why you are getting hard quickly is important to her.

[00:11:25] Like what does she gain from this experience or expectation? How does it perhaps tie into her perceived. Sexual worth or feelings or sense of, you know, self-worth or sexual self-worth or even attractiveness. And I don’t think this is like a quick one-time conversation. I think it’s generally a touchy subject on both sides.

[00:11:46] And I think it all comes down to gender, right? I think there’s all these gendered expectations and I think it can be hard to admit that we take our. Partners. Bodily response, meaning erections, lubrications, uh, or just one lubrication. Orgasms as an [00:12:00] indication of our own desirability, our own beauty, our own sexual prowess.

[00:12:04] Sexual self-worth. I don’t think we can get to that vulnerable place right away in one quick conversation, but if we. Can go to at least a place where we’re willing to talk about these feelings related to pleasure and bodies and gender and messaging. It can be so, so powerful. Yeah. I, I agree with you. I don’t, I, I, I’m thinking about that initial conversation as difficult as it might be to have, how important it is to at least in, to start.

[00:12:27] The conversation because I, I, listening to everything you say, I understand that, you know, your attractiveness may be per determined based on how quickly I get hard or something like that. But at the same time, if your partner says, I just want the physical feeling of an ar, you know, something like a hard penis in me.

[00:12:43] Well, it’s like, well, you have Dura toys that can. Solve that problem. Mm-hmm. Right? Mm-hmm. But again, it’s just starting that conversation, which is probably the most, maybe it’s one of the more intimidating elements right now that they’re experiencing. Yeah. And I think you make a really good point that sometimes we don’t always admit what we want.

[00:12:59] Like it’s not easy for someone to say, well, when you don’t get hard right away, I think you’re not attracted to me. It might be easier to say, well, I just, I like a hard penis. Right? In which case, as you said, I, in this case, I can get a dildo. So, I think that, you know, if you can also reassure her and she can do the same for you, that these conversations are really about deepening understanding and empathy and connection.

[00:13:18] They’re not about criticizing. They’re not about showing, you know, that one person is right. I think then you can get to a place where you’re both willing to acknowledge what you might do differently. Right. So for her, for example, maybe she perceives herself in a deficit space because she assumes your erection is an indication of your attraction to her.

[00:13:35] And that’s a space where you can likely offer reassurance, uh, on an ongoing basis. And I think some education is needed here because you can be really turned on up to a hundred percent and not be hard, and you can be not turned on and be hard as a rock. We know that the way our body responds isn’t always in line with what we actually.

[00:13:55] Want more subjectively. So, you know, I think kudos too, for already being vulnerable and reaching [00:14:00] out here and saying that the pressure is really affecting your function, your pleasure, your feelings. And if, if she can reassure you that connection with her is safe, and that she’s not just willing but eager to learn more about what works for you, right?

[00:14:14] Like for example, slowing down your cortisol levels will likely level off. You’ll feel more at ease, which will facilitate pleasure, arousal. Enjoyment, and that might very well include erections, but I always like to kind of take it back to pleasure, however you define it. Because also if it doesn’t right away, right, if you don’t get that erection right away, that’s okay.

[00:14:35] And that takes us, I think, to another component beyond. Talking to your partner, and this might be more relevant to other people for whom the perceived source of pressure isn’t their partner. And that’s the practice of mindfulness, right? So emotional, mindfulness, sensual visualization based, and just giving yourself permission to take time and tune into your body rather than worrying about what it’s doing right?

[00:14:55] Focus on the feelings, not specific markers of performance. And I think, of course, I’m gonna plug my mindful sex course here. I know I’ve plugged it before, but you know, I can share a few exercises. From the course. So we generally start just with breathing as a way to ground ourselves. We start with belly breathing, where you know, can you start every day this week, just five days.

[00:15:19] It’s not a seven day week, it’s just a five day week with seven deep belly breaths before you reach for your foam, before you feed your kids, before you shave, before you line your lips, whatever it is you do in the morning, can you just put your hand on your chest and your belly and take. Seven deep breaths in through your nose, out through your mouth, hand on your tummy, and it’s just an inhale and a big exhale.

[00:15:43] You know, the thing is you can start right now. There’s no reason to have to wait until first thing in the morning or before you’re shaving our kids or whatever. Just take a moment right now and try It Sounded like you said, shaving your kids, shaving your kids doing whatever, shaving our kids. Listen, maybe they’re, maybe they, they, you know, maybe they’re teenagers and they need a hand.

[00:15:59] They need a hand. But the [00:16:00] point is, is that we always make it. I, I always make excuses for why I can’t start something and, you know, these seven breaths is gonna, it’s gonna take you, what a minute. You know, when I take one breath like that, like I just did, all of a sudden I just calm. Down. And so it’s not that seven breaths is gonna lead to an erection, but just the more connected you feel to your body, the more it’s gonna pay off in the bedroom.

[00:16:20] Because we know that developing mindful practices outside the bedroom translates into, you know, more intimate times and you can’t generally be mindless throughout the day and be like, Totally distracted, never in your body, and then all of a sudden be present and in the moment during sex because you’ve trained yourself to be exactly the opposite.

[00:16:38] So if you can start your day mindfully, you’re setting the tone to be in your body. I also have a body scan episode that you can go back and listen to. That’s another mindful practice that can be so helpful. Ease performance pressure. And then eventually, if you go through the mindful sex course, which by the way, and you can save with code podcasts, go check it

[00:17:00] And then we eventually, you know, we do breathing, we do mindfulness, we do emotional mindfulness, we do different visualizations, we do the body scam, and then eventually we move into mindful touch activities, right? So you, for example, on your own could just do a 10 minute. Non genital self caress to tune in to the sensations and kind of take note of how you feel, just touching your body, not touching your penis, just touching your body with your fingertips, with the backs of your hands, with your palms.

[00:17:27] You can use, you know, a fabric if it feels sensual to you. And just seeing if you can feel what you feel in your body without judgment. So I’m gonna interrupt here and say, this is something that I felt. Silly doing in the past, but what was it, 10 or 15 years ago, we had these conversations and you, and we decide, or we, you know, in the conversations it was like, you need to sometimes take responsibility for getting yourself in, in the mood or you know, if that’s what you want to do.

[00:17:50] So there were a few instances where I went and I, on my own, just lie down on the bed. Middle of the day, whenever, whatever, whatever time it was. And I did that breathing, and then I started to [00:18:00] actually touch my body in a non-sexual way and really try to experience, you know, the feeling of my fingertips on my skin, all my legs on my neck.

[00:18:09] And I’ll admit that I felt ridiculous doing it, but it really, I was watching you. Were you really? Well, I’m, I’m sure I did look ridiculous. I can only imagine. No, that’s not true. But the, the taking a few minutes and doing that exercise. It really changed how I felt after, like it was, I, I shouldn’t say that it was mind blowing, but it was just surprising when I took a few minutes to just, Take those seven breaths and then even, don’t worry about taking 10 minutes, take two minutes and just go and touch your arms, touch your legs, do whatever, and tune into that sensation.

[00:18:41] It changed how I approached you after. Hmm. You know, and I came to you and I felt more connected. Like I immediately, I felt more connected. I felt more grounded, I felt more relaxed. All of these things that you’re hoping to feel, and for me, all of those things also lead to other sensations, other things that you want to feel as well.

[00:18:57] So for me, it was pushing through that. Maybe that feeling of awkwardness or silliness of doing it, but realizing when it was done, how beneficial the activity was. Yeah, and I think it’s good to try it on your own first. I think everybody wants to get to the partnered activities. Mm-hmm. But if you can try just touching yourself and if you feel awkward, if you feel silly, if you hate it, all of those things are fine.

[00:19:19] I felt like a tool. I felt like a tool. Well, how do you get past the point where you judge yourself? Because if you’re going to be mindful mm-hmm. It really is about being in the moment without judgment. Well, I think there’s this idea that we’re willing to work on different aspects of our, of, of my dick.

[00:19:32] Okay. I’m willing to work on my work. I’m willing to go to the gym. I’m willing to do all these things, but I’m not willing to invest in taking some time to work on myself and my, the emotional side of me, which is a side that I had. You know, pushed to the side and then all of a sudden when I started paying attention to it, I just realized how much it complimented and really supported.

[00:19:51] All the other aspects of my life that I wanted to excel in as well, right? Like even this morning I did, uh, I am not very [00:20:00] flexible. So I’ve been, I’ve been starting to work on some yoga courses and just 15 or 20 minutes of yoga and I did it this morning. In the end, you know, the last 60 seconds or 90 seconds, we just lying down doing some breathing and paying attention to how you feel in your body.

[00:20:12] And man, I gotta say, I felt great. Hmm. I felt really, really good. And let me tell you, when I started, I felt like crap cuz I could barely. Touch my toes, you know what I mean? I’m not exactly Mr. Flexible, but it was more about how my body felt. And the instructor really said, you know, just tune in to how your body’s feeling.

[00:20:28] And of course, you know, do what you can do. And when I, you know, when I was complete, I felt so much more kind of grounded and more connected to, to who I was and, and I felt, okay, you know what? I feel much better about what I want to accomplish and what I want to get done today. Hmm. Which I thought was a really cool way to feel.

[00:20:43] Right. So it’s not just. Sex that benefits? No. Right. Not at all. So I was kind of talking about breathing and the body scan and then touching yourself, but not sexually. And then if you do decide to do something with your partner in the course, we’ll walk you through a face caress so you can just tune into the pleasure and the sensuality.

[00:21:01] And it doesn’t have to be erotic, but it can be very powerful. And then eventually with a partner, you can do. A non genital kind of full body crest. Same principles of tuning into the sensation of touch, the sound of the breath, the temperature, the texture, the rhythm, the pressure, the flow of your partner’s touch.

[00:21:17] And in the course, of course you can do this on your own, but if you’re interested in the course, there’s videos and audio files that kind of walk you through it. And I was thinking also that it sounds like you’re already adept at tuning into the moment on your own when you’re solo, because you said that you don’t have the same performance pressure and you, you know, you have erections.

[00:21:33] So this could be helpful. To bring into your partnered practice. You and your partner will both need to make space for this, which is why I think the first conversation is absolutely necessary. And I think that, you know, as you work through this together, you can take your time, you can make mistakes, you can laugh, you can have things that don’t feel right.

[00:21:52] But I think that if you can build your way up to. Touching one another in a sensual way that is not focused on the genitals, [00:22:00] that is not focused on erection, that is not focused on sex as the outcome. I think it can be very powerful and really educational. You know, if your partner starts to understand that you don’t get hard on a dime, and that that’s perfectly normal, it opens up a whole new world of sexual exploration that doesn’t require an erection.

[00:22:16] You might have an erection, but you don’t always have to use it. In one specific way, right? You’ve got your fingers, your tongues, full body play, cheeks, breast collarbones, toys, feathers, I don’t know, silks, ice, warm air, vibrators, leather, fantasy, dirty talk, role play. Like none of these fun things you can do universally requires a hard penis.

[00:22:34] And yet the pleasure is. Endless. And this I, I’m sure I’ve said this before, but I can’t tell you how many people I know in there, 30, 40 fifties, sixties, and beyond, who say they’re having the best sex of their lives because they were dealing with erectile issues and that forced them to expand their horizons.

[00:22:52] And because it forced them to explore all these other options and not. Become myopically focused on putting a penis in a vagina. Sex just got more exciting. So really consider focusing on other forms of pleasure, not just the penis. And so, you know, we’ve started with conversations and a little bit of mindfulness, but this is, this is a big topic.

[00:23:09] It’s a common topic. It transcends genitals and gender. You know, folks with all of us feel so much performance pressure as well, right? Like, am I wet enough? Do I look hot enough? Am I taking too long? Penises, get stressed about how long they’re lasting. And pressure, of course, is the antithesis of pleasure.

[00:23:24] So, I think this takes us full circle to the one word solution to performance pressure, which is pleasure, right? When you focus on pleasure, physical, emotional, relational, you know, spiritual, practical, sensual, erotic, however you define it, the pressure. Dissipates. So if we ask ourselves, does this feel good for me?

[00:23:45] What can I do to tune into my pleasure? I think that’s an o opportunity to recenter, to ground yourself in the moment, because you’re less likely to worry about what you look like or if you’re wet, or if you’re hard, if you’re focused on how it feels for you, you know, in a more [00:24:00] indulgent. Way you won’t worry as much about whether you’re hard, if you’re focused on getting more of what feels good, but you need support to refocus on pleasure.

[00:24:07] You need your own permission and support. And that can be really hard when you’re bombarded with messages about worth rooted in identity, including gender and especially if you feel you’re receiving these messages from a partner. So you might have to work on shedding some of that shame as well. And uh, as I said, you need your partner’s support, understanding, empathy, and I think most people wanna be a supportive partner.

[00:24:27] I bet your partner does. I think sometimes we’re held back by old wounds. But we can push through. So my hope is that you’ll start a conversation about pleasure today. I hope you’ll think about how performance pressure is holding all of us back, right? I know. I need, I definitely need to think about that.

[00:24:42] And if I, and I guess I can give one more kind of hack. I don’t like to start with this because it’s too simple of a solution, but one simple hack to overcome performance pressure is arousal. Right, like when you’re actually enjoying yourself, it’s common for anxiety and stress and vigilance to drop. So think about what you can do to get like super turned on physically, mentally, maybe with fantasy.

[00:25:03] Like for me, that’s what works. When I’m getting distracted, when I’m not in the moment, I just go to a fantasy that’s distracting. For me, it’s like almost the opposite of mindfulness, but it takes me to a place where I’m hyper-focused. Before you get started, right before you even. Start playing with a partner.

[00:25:18] You can also just get super aroused. So yeah, something, something kinky. Sure, why not? You know, like we’ve got all these different approaches cuz mindfulness doesn’t work for every single person, but fantasy. Can work and different types of touch can work, and conversations can work and you’re giving me the eyes.

[00:25:34] It’s something freaky. I am not giving you any eyes. What, anyhow, I, I hope this is helpful to you. I hope this is helpful to everyone cuz we all go through performance pressure. So give it a try, start a conversation today. Go. Touch yourself like Brandon described, or touch yourself. And, uh, if you like the podcast, please do make sure you subscribe and share.

[00:25:53] And if you have anything to add or questions at all, we’ve got podcast question submission form on the website at sex with dr [00:26:00] We’re gonna stop there. Thanks so much, babe. Thank you. The ship is leaving. Oh my god. Oh yes. I don’t even have kids. These are the worst Dad jokes. Please stop. Oh yeah.

[00:26:15] You’re listening to The Sex with Dr. Jess podcast. Improve your sex life, improve your life.