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Sex with Dr. Jess


February 9, 2023

Why We Don’t Celebrate Valentine’s Day

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Jess & Brandon weigh in on why they don’t love V-Day and answer questions from listeners; who wants to have a happier Valentine’s — free from pressure. They weigh in on what to do if your partner refuses to celebrate and offer; some alternative ways to celebrate beyond chocolates and roses. We hope you don’t use this as an excuse to avoid celebrating. Instead, we hope it inspires deeper conversations about the meaning we attach to holidays, celebrations and expressions of love.

Regardless of whether or not you celebrate, if you’re into luxurious lingerie, Lunatic Femme is still running their contest to win this gorgeous eco-silk kimono with removable sleeves (because all of their pieces are designed – to layer, morph, mix & match), and you can enter to win in two simple steps:

1. Subscribe to the Lunatic Femme newsletter HERE
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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

Why We Don’t Celebrate Valentine’s Day

Intro 00:00:05 You’re listening to the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and Relationship Advice you can use Tonight.
Speaker 3 00:00:16 Welcome To the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast. I’m your co-host Brandon Weir, here with my lovely other half, Dr. Jess.
Speaker 1 00:00:21 Happy freaking V-day <laugh>. We’re almost there.
Speaker 3 00:00:24 We’re, is that it? Are you looking at it like something you need to overcome?
Speaker 1 00:00:28 No, no, no. <laugh> like, we’ve almost made it Valentine’s. This is the biggest time of the year in my field.
Speaker 3 00:00:34 It sure is. There’s photos of Dons everywhere,
Speaker 1 00:00:38 <laugh>,
Speaker 3 00:00:38 Sex dogs,
Speaker 1 00:00:39 Sex dogs and all sorts of things. Right? All the brands, all the labels. Every possible industry is now into Valentine’s Day.
Speaker 3 00:00:48 Yeah, I mean the, in like companies that I wouldn’t have thought would’ve touched the sex toy industry are all about it.
Speaker 1 00:00:55 Well, and not just sex toy industry, but Valentine’s altogether. You should see some of the, oh yeah, the pitches. I’m getting like the reaches to make some random product about Valentine’s Day. So it’s, it’s a commercialized holiday. Commercialized holiday. But we are gonna talk about it because we don’t celebrate Valentine’s. And you may celebrate Valentine’s, but I hope you’ll hear our perspective. And I really want to reinforce all perspectives on this cuz there’s no right, there’s no wrong, there’s no judgment around, ah, it’s a Hallmark holiday. So what all holidays are made up, I
Speaker 3 00:01:24 Was just gonna say, a lot of holidays are Hallmark holidays.
Speaker 1 00:01:26 It doesn’t matter. And they’re all made up, right? So many holidays are commercialized and so much of what we do is, so I’m not gonna sit here in criticism of that, but we are gonna talk about the fact that we don’t celebrate Valentine’s. But because it’s February 9th, if you’re listening today, you have a few more days to go check out the lunatic fem contest. This is to me, just my favorite contest. I think it’s gonna be my favorite contest of 2023 because the quality of their goods is just on another level. And the contest over on lunatic fems Instagram, they’re giving away a custom silk kimono. So this is a small batch, super high investment item that you’re gonna keep forever silky, smooth, very high quality eco silk. You’re not gonna feel the seams. And it’s just absolutely beautiful. All there work is so gorgeous.
Speaker 1 00:02:19 So I can gush and gush about the brand. But for now, I just wanna remind you that you have until the end of the day, Valentine’s Day Eve <laugh>, February 13th to enter their contest. So lunatic, head on over to their website, scroll to the bottom and put in your email address to subscribe to their newsletter. And then make sure you follow them on Instagram. And we are now gonna talk V-day. Okay. So for me, Valentine’s Day, on one hand, I freaking love Valentine’s Day because it is my busy season and it means all the speeches. All the collabs, more work. And I, I love my work. I don’t feel as exhilarated as I do right now. I am like so excited because, and I’m gonna just share my excitement. I am on tour, I started in Iowa, well Toronto really then went to Iowa, went to Miami, went down to Puerto Rico, now I’m in New York City.
Speaker 1 00:03:07 Next stop is dc then I head to upstate New York, then down to South Florida, then to Jamaica for an event that happens to fall on my birthday and then to Dubai. And then back to where do I go? Do I go to dc You go, you go to Washington DC Yeah, DC and then the UK hopefully, fingers crossed. So I’m working, man, I love it. I love work. I love workshops. I love the people, I love the planes. And so on one hand I love Valentine’s Day because it is Valentine’s Day that reminds people, hey, we should invest on our relationships and hire Dr. Jess to come <laugh> facilitate a session. But as much as I love it, we don’t celebrate
Speaker 3 00:03:41 It. No, we don’t. I don’t, I don’t remember the last time that we celebrated Valentine’s, but for good reason.
Speaker 1 00:03:47 Well, it’s sandwich between our birthdays. Yes. So Brandon’s birthday is on the 12th minus,
Speaker 3 00:03:52 Oh, you, you remember when my birthday <laugh>, I
Speaker 1 00:03:54 Can’t remember your birthday. Uh, yours on the 12th. That’s not a question mark.
Speaker 3 00:03:59 <laugh>. It was just like, it’s like statement
Speaker 1 00:04:00 Or question. It was an affirmative. And mine’s on the 18th. We’re not always together and it’s just not really a big deal to me. I don’t think Valentine’s has ever been a big deal to me.
Speaker 3 00:04:09 No, I, I don’t, I thought you were talking about our birthdays that we’re not always together on our birthdays, those two, but Valentine’s, no, we’re not, we’re not always together. And I don’t personally like it. It doesn’t upset me. And I know some people may say, wow, you know, guys, it’s just, you know, it’s just something you have to do. And I, and I’m like, no, I enjoy spending time with you. But it’s not the day. The 14th isn’t, doesn’t have to be the day.
Speaker 1 00:04:29 Well it’s interesting cuz this year on the 14th, I believe we’re going to be together. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, because you’re killing with me since you I am. See I am. And so we probably will do something. I mean, we’re gonna have to eat. I,
Speaker 3 00:04:38 I hope so. I’d like to go for dinner.
Speaker 1 00:04:40 But do you know that I was thinking, I don’t even know if I wanna go out for dinner because I don’t like that Restaurants create a special Valentine’s Day menu
Speaker 3 00:04:47 Club sandwich in the room. Oh my
Speaker 1 00:04:49 God.
Speaker 3 00:04:49 My dream. Yeah, that’s
Speaker 1 00:04:50 Where it’s at. Room service. So I’m gonna kind of gripe a little. So my issue with Valentine’s is that I feel it relegates the celebration of love to one day a year. And I think that small investments, small gestures spread out over the course of your relationship are just so much more important than the grand gestures that are kind of mandated by a holiday and especially by a commercially based holiday. So that’s one issue. It’s the relegation of like, here’s the celebration, this is the day. As opposed to every day putting some effort in. I also worry that the pressure to be romantic or sexual, especially sexual on a very specific day, causes so much more distress than pleasure for so many people.
Speaker 3 00:05:27 You know what’s funny when you’re talking about the sexual component, the romantic component makes me stressed. What? Because I do not think that I’m a romantic person. Like the idea of creating a romantic environment. I mean that stresses me a more than the a the idea of the pressure of sexual activity that day.
Speaker 1 00:05:42 Yeah, absolutely. Well that’s interesting cuz I know I gush about Brandon a lot and I’ve even had people complain about how much I, I think you’re like an amazing partner, but <laugh>,
Speaker 3 00:05:50 Oh, there’s a plot
Speaker 1 00:05:52 And, sorry, I meant, and <laugh>, can we change that <laugh> rewind. You know, you, you don’t plan things, you don’t surprise, you don’t buy gifts, you don’t make reservations, you don’t set the scene. You don’t write love letters, <laugh>,
Speaker 3 00:06:07 You don’t. And,
Speaker 1 00:06:08 And
Speaker 3 00:06:08 The list goes on <laugh>,
Speaker 1 00:06:11 And I’m sure I’ve talked about this in the past, and I do think there has to be a good degree of acceptance in relationships. We have to acknowledge that our partner can’t do everything. They can’t be everything. Listen, I know that if I said to you, this is super important to me, you’d make an effort. But I feel that I say a lot to you in terms of, Hey babe, this is super important to me that I can’t just keep adding to that list and burdening, burdening you. Cuz I know that you’re, you’re very accommodating person and you definitely wanna please like a little dog. And so I don’t wanna keep adding to that. I wanna be mindful of the fact that if I said, Hey, I really want you to surprise me with a present, that that would cause you so much distress.
Speaker 3 00:06:48 <laugh>, you have no idea.
Speaker 1 00:06:49 Hang on. Can we talk about the last present you bought me?
Speaker 3 00:06:51 Didn’t we just talk about it? Did we, what, what, what was it? What was the last present? Because I think we’re thinking two different things.
Speaker 1 00:06:57 Oh, I’m thinking, no, no, no. I’m thinking of it was maybe eight years ago. Oh no, you bought me these two dresses. Oh no. From Marciano. And one of them was like sequin animal print off the shoulder by, that’s what I’m talking,
Speaker 3 00:07:11 You know what, maybe you should have read a little, a little bit <laugh>. Really? That’s your, maybe you should read a little bit deep deeper into that. Maybe I was sending you a message,
Speaker 1 00:07:19 Maybe you wanted me to dress up like a zebra or tiger
Speaker 3 00:07:22 Play some games in the bedroom, <laugh>.
Speaker 1 00:07:26 And the other one, I’m, I’m okay. I’m probably misremembering and if I tell this story again I’ll be slightly different.
Speaker 3 00:07:32 It was like 10 years ago. Come
Speaker 1 00:07:33 On. Fine. 10 years ago. But I swear it was like spandex. See through Baby blue also all roed. And you’re making
Speaker 3 00:07:40 This
Speaker 1 00:07:40 Album. Okay. It was lime green.
Speaker 3 00:07:42 Yes. I don’t remember. Is that maybe I’ve blocked it out.
Speaker 1 00:07:46 Okay, so you’re not great at buying gifts?
Speaker 3 00:07:49 Nope. Can I get you electronics <laugh>?
Speaker 1 00:07:52 I don’t want electronics. No, I already have a phone. Anyhow. Okay. To go back to it. Those are not things you do like romance is not something that you do. And I just kind of accept that I made a list of things you don’t do, but I could make a list of all the things you do and then people will complain that I’m gushing about you. So I’m not gonna do it. I
Speaker 3 00:08:09 Think just, just focus in on what I don’t do. <laugh>. Yeah, keep everybody happy. Focus.
Speaker 1 00:08:12 Keep everybody happy. Focus on the negative. If it’s to the detriment of our relationship, as long as one angry listener
Speaker 3 00:08:19 Is validated, you know, <laugh>. Yeah,
Speaker 1 00:08:21 Exactly. No, I mean I just think you’re an incredible partner. I always feel loved, I always feel supported and you don’t do everything I could possibly imagine. Would I love if you planned an elaborate Valentine’s Day? Sure. I think that would be fun for me. And I accept that it’s just not something we do. And, and I wanna just add, I feel zero disappointment. Like again, I’m not usually around on Valentine’s. We’re gonna be around this year and I hope that we order a club sandwich in bed.
Speaker 3 00:08:44 Yeah, that would be great.
Speaker 1 00:08:46 And a big glass of wine. A keg size wine. Keg size <laugh>. So, okay, back to Valentine’s. I love the idea of celebrating love as often as possible. I just don’t know that we need a special day to do it. And I wanna get to some of your questions around Valentine’s Day, because I hear couples oftentimes in disagreement about Valentine’s Day. And I do not, let me say this from the get-go. I should have said this in the very opening spot. Do not use me, do not use this podcast as an excuse to get out of Valentine’s Day if it matters to your partner. Because if it matters to you, then it’s important. And if it matters to your partner, then it’s important in some way and you need to have more of a conversation beyond No, no, no. It’s a hallmark holiday. So I was thinking about the expectations around Valentine’s too, that they tend to be rooted in gender, right?
Speaker 1 00:09:29 In like heterosexual relationships. I think there is pressure on men to ex to, you know, plan a surprise or buy gifts and women are expected to kind of perform some sexual feat that they read about in a magazine, right? And these, these are generalizations. But I hear these strongly gendered themes in Valentine’s, expectations from the couples I meet. And man, like there is nothing wrong with going outta your way for your partner in terms of gifts or favors or planning or sex. And if Valentine’s Day offers an excuse or a reminder to do it, then I think it’s actually super important. However, if it just leads to pressure to perform, or if you’re putting pressure on your partner to do something, then I think it leads to disappointment. And there it’s no surprise. Like there’s some, you know, polls suggesting that the popularity at Valentine’s Day is declining because I think there are so many more days to celebrate than ever before, right? There’s like Cupcake Day and Pie Day and I don’t know, international Spouse Day and National Orgasm Day. And
Speaker 3 00:10:24 You should go to Spain, <laugh>, there is always a celebration. It’s every day is a celebration. It’s great
Speaker 1 00:10:29 <laugh>, it’s a holiday. It’s, can we do this? No, it is impossible. It’s, it’s a holiday. We also know that millennials and Gen Z are taking longer to commit into relationships. So maybe this plays a role. So what do we do with Valentine’s Day? So I think yes, positively, it’s a reminder that we need to invest in our relationships in order for them to thrive. But the negative side is that I feel like Valentine’s Day investments are usually financially based as opposed to relationally or emotionally based. And the other thing about Valentine’s Day is it really just centers romantic love as opposed to like all the beautiful types of love that exists. So I wanna talk about V-Day from the perspective of people who find it important and some of your notes, because if it matters to you, then it’s important, right? Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. Yes. So this person says, my partner refuses to celebrate Valentine’s Day.
Speaker 1 00:11:15 He says it’s a Hallmark holiday and he won’t make any plans, won’t buy any gifts, won’t even get me or the kids a card. How do I get him to at least make an effort? Whew. Okay. So again, if celebrating is important to you, and Valentine’s provides a welcome reminder to do something thoughtful for your partner, I totally get your frustration. And so I’m wondering if you can let your partner know that it’s not about the date, but that you simply wanna celebrate love and maybe you celebrate earlier or later in the week. Maybe you make dinner plans and send the kids to your parents so you can enjoy some alone time or maybe do it on the weekend. But I think it’s important that you be clear about how you wanna feel. Like what is it you want to feel? Do you wanna feel special? Do you wanna feel loved, appreciated, celebrated, and let him know how he can help to ensure that you experience these feelings on the 14th or throughout the year? And I think this is just such an important conversation because I wonder if this person is used to buying all the gifts, used to making all the plans used to buying the cards, used to doing all these things. And what they actually want is their partner to take the fricking lead.
Speaker 3 00:12:20 You’re looking at me <laugh> very with some serious eyes right now.
Speaker 1 00:12:24 No. Well that’s a conversation we have around, yeah, taking the lead. And I think that when a holiday, like an anniversary or a birthday or Valentine’s Day Christmas or Cup or anything comes up, it tends to exacerbate some of the disparities in the relationship because there’s this, if you’re in a position where you feel, you perceive that the onus of something, planning, taking, control, leading has fallen on you sometimes when a holiday comes around, we’re kind of, I think that person, I can put myself in that position. We’re hoping for a relief. We want someone else to do the planning. And so again, when there’s an issue around Valentine’s Day, I think it’s usually an issue in the relationship. And I think it’s worth talking about. So again, don’t use me, don’t use this podcast as an excuse to get out of Valentine’s Day. If your partner is asking for something on Valentine’s Day, which again is usually love or appreciation or attention or leadership, it probably means they want it 365 and they’re not getting it.
Speaker 1 00:13:16 And I think this is another thought that I think, you know, is essential around Valentine’s Day, because I think Valentine’s can provide a barometer as to how you’re feeling in the relationship. If you’re missing something on the 14th, maybe you need to be asking for more of it every other day of the year. And if your partner’s asking you to go outta your way, to carve out time for them, to surprise them, to smother them in love, maybe they want more of that every day. So no Hallmark holiday excuse to get out of investing in your relationship.
Speaker 3 00:13:42 Yeah, I mean, you made a lot of really good points. I don’t disagree with any of them. I’m, I’ve just been taking notes just in case for
Speaker 1 00:13:48 The podcasters for
Speaker 3 00:13:49 Our relationship. Just, just for the podcast. Just for the podcast. Yeah. No,
Speaker 1 00:13:51 No, no. Okay, so let’s talk talk <laugh> gift giving. I feel kind of bad about huge
Speaker 3 00:13:55 Great segue
Speaker 1 00:13:55 For me. My, my disparaging remarks around the Marciano dresses that you
Speaker 3 00:13:59 Got me just walk by man,
Speaker 1 00:14:01 I just wanna say those Marciano dresses were doing so much like they were, there was like the flower and the ruffle and the Roche and the tiger and this, I
Speaker 3 00:14:09 Think you’re just making stuff up now, <laugh>. I think you’re, yeah, I’m guaranteeing that.
Speaker 1 00:14:12 Do you remember when I opened them and I was like, oh,
Speaker 3 00:14:15 Oh, the Atton nation here. Oh, it’s great. <laugh>. Do these come with a receipt?
Speaker 1 00:14:20 Okay, this guy says, my girlfriend’s the worst gift giver. Every year I come up with something thoughtful to try and knock her socks off for her birthday for Valentine’s. They’re just, oh, they’re just like us. They’re only five days apart and she just seems to grab some random gifts online. Should I just keep smiling and pretending to like it? Or should I say something?
Speaker 3 00:14:38 Well, you’re looking at me. I, I, you know what? If you don’t like it, say something. Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, what are you hoping for though, right? Like you want, maybe
Speaker 1 00:14:45 He wants to
Speaker 3 00:14:46 Dress, is it, but is it tid for Tad? Is it that you want some equality in terms of what you’re giving to them versus what they’re giving to you? Are you not giving for the sake of giving or are you giving with the expectation of receiving?
Speaker 1 00:14:56 Hmm. Well, and I guess gift giving is a thing that’s very specific to specific people. Like some people are really into gifts. So, you know, you talk about, I don’t even wanna mention the love language cuz that guy is homophobic and doing a lot of damage as well. But when you think about people showing their love in different ways, for some people gifts are super important. And so I guess I’m curious if she’s putting some thought into the gift, but missing the mark. I think you wanna show some appreciation for her efforts if she’s wasting your shared money <laugh> on like weird things that you’re never gonna use. So
Speaker 3 00:15:25 Here’s a banana and a key chain
Speaker 1 00:15:26 <laugh>. Hey, you can eat a banana. Um, you can use the key chain. I don’t know, on the other hand, I guess if she isn’t really putting any effort into selecting something you’d like and if receiving gifts makes you feel loved and appreciated, I think you have the right to speak up. Since you know, you put a great deal of thought into your gifts, you’re kind of already leading by example. So maybe you can bolster this with an explanation. Maybe you can let her know why you selected a specific gift and why you love receiving thoughtful gifts too. I, I think the issue is if you wait until you’re frustrated to express how you feel, you end up kind of complaining and criticizing instead of making a request. So maybe you can plan ahead so that you can clearly convey what you want and why you want it.
Speaker 1 00:16:03 Like maybe leader in the right direction. Like I’ve always loved opening gifts, <laugh>, subtle hints. I’d love if you surprise me with something from this shop <laugh>, like, I don’t know, the cocktail emporium, not Bass pro <laugh>, like, I don’t know, whatever you’re into. Or you could like pick a local shop and say, Hey, they know me there <laugh>, take my pictures <laugh>. And maybe they could recommend something. I, I think we have to remember that some of us really naturally express love by showering with thoughtful gifts. And maybe she expresses her love in other ways. Like maybe it is acts of service or maybe it is calling it, you know, carving out quality time. So it is important that if this is something that’s important to you, that you explain it to her.
Speaker 3 00:16:42 Yeah, I mean I, I, again, I just think you can lead somebody down that path, but it’s just the idea of what are you hoping for? Like
Speaker 1 00:16:49 A nicer gift. He’s hoping for a freaking nicer.
Speaker 3 00:16:51 I know he’s hoping for a nicer gift. I’m just saying like give to give don’t give to receive.
Speaker 1 00:16:55 Okay. But I, that’s not really how I read it. I don’t, I, I guess, yeah, he did mention what he was giving and so maybe regardless of that he just wants her to put some thought into the gifts
Speaker 3 00:17:04 In his defense. I also like to receive too. Like it is nice to get stuff and, but I think you made a good point. Just bring it up rather than let it harbor and turn into resentment. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. And you
Speaker 1 00:17:14 Know, do you like, but I don’t buy you
Speaker 3 00:17:15 Gifts. No, I
Speaker 1 00:17:16 Mean, but lots of people buy you gifts. Brandon got the perfect gift from Natasha yesterday.
Speaker 3 00:17:20 Lots of people. Is it
Speaker 1 00:17:21 <laugh> Natasha bought you?
Speaker 3 00:17:23 She did actually a
Speaker 1 00:17:24 Really a box of artisanal dates. Dates stuffed with different things, which is like your dream gift. And they’re beautiful cuz Natasha, Natasha works with Brandon and she’s just like a super, super thoughtful, tasteful person with great manners and great hair and a great, I just really, and great coats. I really like her. Yeah. <laugh>. And so you do like receiving gifts, but you don’t put pressure on me to buy you
Speaker 3 00:17:45 Gifts? No, I don’t. I I mean it, it’s, if I get a nice gift, I really appreciate it. Mm-hmm <affirmative>, but if I don’t get a gift, I don’t feel disappointed.
Speaker 1 00:17:53 What if you get a weird belt as a gift?
Speaker 3 00:17:55 Then I smile <laugh> and I’m like, can’t wait to use
Speaker 1 00:17:59 It. Brendan had like this lawyer give him, yeah,
Speaker 3 00:18:02 That was a belt, a weird gift.
Speaker 1 00:18:03 But it wasn’t your size.
Speaker 3 00:18:05 Well, not only, it was a, it was a holiday thing and it was just, it seemed like such a throwaway
Speaker 1 00:18:09 <laugh> that maybe somebody gave, was it his size? Did someone give him the thoughts?
Speaker 3 00:18:13 Was it like it was a belt for like 18 people <laugh>? Do you know what I mean? It was, I don’t know. But
Speaker 1 00:18:19 He re-gifted for sure. He definitely re-gifted. I’m curious how many people re-gift. I absolutely re-gift.
Speaker 3 00:18:24 Do you, what are
Speaker 1 00:18:25 You talking about?
Speaker 3 00:18:26 I never Reed.
Speaker 1 00:18:27 Yeah, because you’ve never given anyone a gift <laugh>. But the, to be fair about my rifs, I receive a lot of really nice gifts and if I think someone else will like it more than me, I’ll literally tell them. I’ll be like, oh, I got this gift, you can have it. Because I don’t like to have too much stuff
Speaker 3 00:18:41 Really? <laugh>. Really?
Speaker 1 00:18:43 Okay. I’m not gonna talk about, talk about this. All right, let’s talk about another question. Since we started dating three years ago, I’ve gotten into the habit of planning a big Valentine’s Day every year. And now my girlfriend has come to expect it. She just sits back and waits for me to do everything because she says I’m more of a romantic, but I’m getting tired of doing all the planning. I do the same over the holidays and for our vacations and for birthdays. So how do I get her to step up? Oh, okay. This is sort of what I was talking about in terms of people who are in leadership roles, whether it be in relationships or families or social circles or at work. Sometimes just wanting someone else to take over. So, oh man, I think you should manage expectations and speak up. I think, you know, if she’s come to expect a grand gesture on Valentine’s Day, that’s cool, but you actually don’t have to fulfill every one of her needs or expectations.
Speaker 1 00:19:28 And you are totally allowed to break tradition. And we see this with partners where one partner falls into the planner role and when you inevitably tire of it, you find yourself kind of getting resentful. But I think what we, and I’m not saying this is your case, uh, I’ll speak for myself. I have been in this scenario, not just with you, but in relationships more generally where I do a lot, like too much and then I get resentful. But what I have to remember is that no one’s forcing me to do all the planning. No one’s forcing me to throw big parties. No one’s forcing me to always, you know, pick up the tab or whatever it is I’m doing. So I have to speak up or you have to speak up and let her know that you’d love for her to make Valentine’s plans this year. You can let her know what you’re into. You can say like, oh there’s this art exhibit I’d love to see. But if you are going to hand over the reins of control, you’ve gotta be willing to give her enough space to work her own magic. Because, and I’m gonna, again, I know this from personal experience, those of us who complain about planning, we also have trouble relinquishing control. So you have to be prepared to take a step back and approach her plans with an open mind. What are you smiling at <laugh>?
Speaker 3 00:20:29 No, I, I I couldn’t agree more with what you’re saying. I just think that you, you know, because we’ve had this dynamic mm-hmm. <affirmative>, I mean where you do a lot of the planning when it comes to travel and hotels and, you know, whatever life. Yes. Food, I mean I, yeah, food. Yeah. Bring, we got this, this list is coming back to bite me in the, so, and there are things that I do, do, the list is short in terms of decision making, but I, I do make decisions, but, but I think that if I were to make that, if I were to take the reins on something and make those decisions <laugh>, I wonder if you’d be okay with
Speaker 1 00:21:03 It. Right. And there’s been times where I’ve been like, Hey, you do this and then you do it. I’m like, why the hell would you do it that way? Yeah. I’m not sleeping in a queen bed. Yeah.
Speaker 3 00:21:11 I, no, for real, that was a real, that was a real conversation.
Speaker 1 00:21:14 <laugh>. I’m a big wide person.
Speaker 3 00:21:16 I need a king bed.
Speaker 1 00:21:17 <laugh> for real, man. But I take up a lot of space, so, okay. Yeah. You have to be able to relinquish control, but I think absolutely speak up. So these are, it’s interesting cuz it seems to be that the people who are writing in are the ones who are doing a lot and maybe want their partners to step up, right? Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. And so when I talk about not liking Valentine’s Day, that’s my fear that, that, you know, people are gonna say, look, even, you know, the so-called experts say don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. So that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying celebrate it. If you want to use it as a reminder, please don’t put pressure on yourselves. Be kind to each other. Do something fun. Like it doesn’t have to be the traditional dinner in a movie. Maybe you just wake up in the morning and you’re like, we’re gonna have sex this morning. We’re gonna have morning sex rather than hoping that I’ll have enough energy to get it on after dinner. I’m gonna set my alarm early, I’m gonna wake my partner up by going down on them, or I’m gonna wake them up. I would, I don’t know, with a handy or whatever it is. Um, that applies to all genders by the way. Or maybe if you’re single, same thing masturbate in the morning. Um, maybe for Valentine’s Day you have a non-erotic threesome. Ooh,
Speaker 3 00:22:16 <laugh> sounds exciting. No.
Speaker 1 00:22:18 Some boring, no
Speaker 3 00:22:18 <laugh>. No, but you, you also said something that, that was great. Go to go to a, you know, museum, go to a, an art gallery or do something like that. Yeah.
Speaker 1 00:22:25 Or go out with a third person, like pick your favorite single person and take them out. Like, rather than the pressure of the two of you having a romantic evening and then going home and tearing each other’s clothes off, just admit that you’re not gonna do that. And take out your friend Mel <laugh>, my favorite single friend. Or spend time with your parents, right? Or like take out somebody elderly in your neighborhood or maybe, I don’t know, go back to the early times of dating and like make a playlist of old songs that you used to love and dance in your living room. Or just kind of rewrite the story of how you met and put it in handwriting to your partner. Or if you still live in the same hometown, go to the place where you first met or where you first kissed or I don’t know, pull out like an old perfume that you used to wear in the beginning that will remind them of kind of the early times together. Or just like sit with a glass of wine or tea and reminisce about, I don’t know, like your happy memories or your hottest memories or like the funniest, most awkward sexual memories you have. It doesn’t have to be a night out and it doesn’t have to end in passion.
Speaker 3 00:23:22 I’m gonna throw it back to when I was like in grade two. Do you remember giving out like Valentine’s cards to all your classmates? Mm-hmm. <affirmative> All like everyone. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. I say do do it to all go find your neighbors.
Speaker 1 00:23:33 Oh, I was, that’s such a good idea. Should I do that this year?
Speaker 3 00:23:36 Yeah. I think that’s a cool idea. I’m not here though just because, you know, it’s just a nice little pick me up in the middle of the day. Somebody takes the time to write a little card and and say, Hey, happy Valentine’s Day. Do you think I can get, won’t you be my Valentine?
Speaker 1 00:23:46 Do you think I can get Valentine’s Day cards back to the neighbors in time?
Speaker 3 00:23:49 I think you can.
Speaker 1 00:23:50 You think so? I’m gonna have to like puree them. I don’t know if I have the budget for that. I mean, I like my neighbors, but I don’t know if I have that kind of budget for cross-border <laugh>
Speaker 3 00:23:57 Valentine’s show. But you also made a good point, which is there’s so much pressure on this single day and the idea of spreading it out and you know, you joke around and call it dollar cost averaging when it comes to love and things like that. But it, I do, I think about that when we’re lying in bed, I’ll think about, you know what, I’m gonna rub, rub your back for 60 seconds. I’m gonna rub your feet, rub your hands. I’m gonna get you a tea. I’m gonna do something. I’m not making it one day.
Speaker 1 00:24:20 Oh, you’re bringing up the 62nd favors.
Speaker 3 00:24:22 Yes. And you’ve talked about this before and, and I’m, I try to use it and I really, I feel like our relationship, what I take outta this relationship benefits when I’m expressing to you every single day just with what seems like a very small, um, action that I care and I, and I love you. Rather than being like, oh, I’ve gotta make it a massive, you know, firework of event on February the 14th mm-hmm. <affirmative>. Mm-hmm <affirmative>. So I love the 62nd favors.
Speaker 1 00:24:46 Yeah. So just for a little context, I’m sure we’ve spoken about them before, but the theory is if you can invest a minute a day, you’re so much better off than grand gestures once a year. So can you commit to doing one 62nd favor for your partner or someone you love, or multiple people you love every day for the next week. So a 62nd hand massage, bringing them a tea in bed, throwing their towel in the dryers and bringing them a warm towel when they get out of the shower. Taking their socks in the morning and throwing them on a heating vent so they can put on warm socks on a cold winter’s day. Putting,
Speaker 3 00:25:16 Getting their gym equipment out. If they go to the gym in the morning, just laying it out for them.
Speaker 1 00:25:19 Sometimes I just pull your pajama pants out when you’re in the shower so that you can put them on. Yeah.
Speaker 3 00:25:24 <laugh>.
Speaker 1 00:25:25 Sexy pajama. Sexy pajama. They are sexy kind. See through. I like them. They’re
Speaker 3 00:25:30 Time for
Speaker 1 00:25:30 A new pair. They’re gray sweatpants. No, cuz they’re gray sweatpants. Everybody likes gray sweatpants.
Speaker 3 00:25:34 Oh geez. They’re going to the gray pan
Speaker 1 00:25:36 Thing. Kim. Getting to what? You don’t like the gray pan thing?
Speaker 3 00:25:38 Who, who was it that that started the gray pan thing?
Speaker 1 00:25:42 I don’t know. A person with a penis. Any person with a penis wearing pants. I’m
Speaker 3 00:25:45 Gray looking for a pair of gray pants that shows my d <laugh>. Do you have
Speaker 1 00:25:49 Anything? You know they have those, um, jeans that kind of like lift your butt and they now have jeans that are shapers for your butt. Nice. We, I wonder if there are, and maybe I just don’t know about it cause I don’t have a don but maybe in the don section of the shopping store, there are sweatpants that accentuate your don, your
Speaker 3 00:26:05 Don. I was, I thought you were gonna talk about my butt. I’m like, I get a, I got
Speaker 1 00:26:08 A butt. We don’t need need accentuate,
Speaker 3 00:26:09 Accentuation for the buttocks.
Speaker 1 00:26:11 No. So any 62nd favor, like maybe a little note that you write, I love you and you put it in the visor of their car so that any day in the week they pull down the visor and then I love you note drops. Hopefully not while they’re driving, but before that. Or you put like a snack, a little surprise in their purse or in their briefcase. 60 seconds a day. Try it. I think you can commit to that and listen, like whether or not you celebrate Valentine’s Day, really just heres to investing in and celebrating all sorts of love all year long. And if you don’t like our version of Valentine’s Day <laugh>, that’s fine. Honestly, the best I guess so-called advice I can give you is you do you figure out what works for you, figure out what works for your partner or partners and make it happen. Couldn’t
Speaker 3 00:26:51 Agree
Speaker 1 00:26:51 More. All right, let’s Could not agree more. Let’s go not celebrate <laugh> Valentine’s Day together. Listen, we’ll come back and be honest. If we celebrate, I, I I picture us cuz we’re gonna be, I have an event in DC and I think I’m, I have a break on the 14th. In the evening we’re gonna end up at like the biggest Valentine’s celebration of the year. We’re gonna have to eat our words. I’m gonna put it all over Instagram stories and people are gonna be like, she’s a liar. She celebrates Valentine’s Day. She’s a Valentine’s Queen. So I’m
Speaker 3 00:27:16 Going, I’m gonna go get you the nicest roughest dress <laugh> man. The most sequin. Oh yeah.
Speaker 1 00:27:21 First of all, I like ruffles and I like sequins and I like ruching and I so
Speaker 3 00:27:26 I like them all in one <laugh>. Do you like them all in one dress?
Speaker 1 00:27:30 Yeah. And it was like booty length and one failed
Speaker 3 00:27:33 Shoulder. I failed to see the problem. I don’t understand.
Speaker 1 00:27:35 It probably was very sexy for a, a certain environment, just not to wear it for dinner. Folks, wherever you’re at, however you’re celebrating. Single partnered, multi partnered. I hope you have an absolutely fabulous one quick reminder that you want to enter this lunatic fem contest. So lunatic fem on Instagram, go check ’em out. Sign up for their newsletter. You get bonus entries for sharing tagging, but I wanna win this kimono. Beautiful, beautiful stuff. You have to see their stuff. It’s designed so that you can layer and mix and match and it’s all adjustable and you’re gonna love it. So thank you to them for the support of the podcast and for running this contest specifically for our podcast listeners. So go enter, have fun. Happy v-day.
Speaker 2 00:28:18 You’re listening to The Sex with Dr. Jess podcast. Improve your sex life, improve your life.