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Sex with Dr. Jess


August 5, 2021

Q&A: Ruined Orgasms, Sleep Orgasms & More

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danny-g-_Utk8ZYT4tI-unsplashWe respond to your questions about sleep orgasms, ruined orgasms, forced orgasms, vaginal taste and more.

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

Q&A: Ruined Orgasms, Sleep Orgasms & More

00:00:05 – 00:05:03

You’re listening to the sax with dr jess podcast sacks and relationship advice you can use tonight welcome to the sex with dr just podcast. I’m your co host. Brendan where here with my always. Lovely other dr jess he he. How’s it going feeling good today. I’m excited for jonathan. Who’s jonathan and. Why are we excited for them. Thanks for loving that. Charles boyle jonathon s. is the winner of our contests are review contests. So i wanna say thank you to everybody for submitting reviews and shooting us messages and a special thanks to folks who also sent feedback personally to two invalid sex with dr dot com because we do read it all and we do find it really helpful and we try and take it into account and change things for the better. Of course. we can’t do every single thing because not everybody wants the same thing but really do appreciate i did get some comments about sound about sometimes the interviews being too quiet from the guest and then we’re too loud and so we are always working on those things. I’m hoping that the course of the last year the quality has been significantly better in terms of sound. But you know we are recording from home right now. We have a one room in our house. Set up a studio but it’s not a professional studio we call it the studio but it’s it’s not and we recorded from wild places like hiding in a closet to try and find not here at home but will more on the roads so really do appreciate your patience. Your feedback really open to hearing from you as well. So thank you so much in a big congratulations to jonathan ass. Jonathan has one on lobbying it up for you. We vibe touch my absolute favorite toy of all time personally and we’re going to be sending it out so they’ve come up with a new version called the touch ex but the we vibe touched that original is still my favorite. And i have a feeling they’re going to be i’m guessing discontinuing soon since they have the new version so jonathan’s going to be receiving one of those touches and hopefully they love it as much as i do and we will be in touch with you jonathan to set that up again. Thank you so much to everyone who entered and please do keep sending your feedback and your questions and that’s exactly what we’re going to do today and that is answer some of your questions because there are so many questions coming in and honestly i’m not able to keep up with all of them on many of them come in through the website some through instagram and We’re gonna talk about the first set of questions on ruined orgasms. So i have these questions on. What is a ruined orgasm. Is it the same as forced orgasm does ruined orgasm mean. You don’t have an orgasm. Is it really just edging. Have you ever had a ruined orgasm. I’d love to know what a ruined orgasm is. But i have ruined my own orgasms. If that is what it is you know you get in your head. You’re like why. Did i think about that while i’m finishing while i’m climaxing like why did that thought come into my mind like what really you wanna know. I wanna know my father-in-law. Why did it come into your mind. It’s came into the room. But i could hear him downstairs and listen. I love the guy but don’t want to be thinking about that. I’ve thought about work. And i’m like why am i thinking about work right now. There’s really while you’re coming. Yes something has into my head. And i’m just an while it’s happened like this killed it. This destroyed so so what you’re describing is a type of ruined orgasm ruined orgasm. That is i think. Inadvertent may be due to what you’re describing a distraction or intrusive thought maybe someone walks in on you. a- went. Somebody slaps subpoenas. i mean. That could be a good orgasm for me. That would be a ruined or okay note to self. don’t slap extremists orgasm. Yes so sometimes it just happens inadvertently but oftentimes when we talk about a ruined orgasm. We’re talking about an orgasm. That is not particularly pleasurable as part of ds place. Oh dominance mission play where the dominant for example might stop stimulation right before orgasm. So let’s just say for example you like to keep stroking right before during or through orgasm to kind of keep the pleasure going right so you might stop or be told to stop few seconds early so that you may be experienced the muscular contractions and maybe even ejaculation for some people that tend to accompany orgasm. But you don’t necessarily get the climactic pleasure. And so this can be tied to the physical components of media some or maybe even the emotional elements like maybe you like to experience or play with feelings of frustration or loss of control or anger or embarrassment or even humiliation. You might also you could also use emotional or psychological components to ruin the orgasm so your partner for example might continue the physical stimulation that brings you to orgasm but then say something that is off pudding to create a dissonance that ruins the orgasm so you can still have all the physical sensations but maybe they say something that makes you feel embarrassed or humiliated and again.

00:05:03 – 00:10:03

We’re talking about within the context of consent. Like it’s not like they just randomly do this. You’ve talked about what it is. you’re into surprise. what could i say to you. Do you like embarrass. You ruin your orgasm off the top of my head. You could remind me of the things that i’ve told you ruined my orgasms before. Say like there’s poop on your penis with not now not work out for me. Not so yes. That is one of the many. What if i plucked a hair from a ball while you were coming first of all. I don’t think i have a second of all. Why hang on. Are you upset. Because i just i’m saying you have a harry ball. I’m i’m picturing like a ball sack with really long hairs on right now them do. That’s okay of course it’s okay. I’m not disputing you. Wanna just don’t have it so the fact that i have this straggler that apparently you found luck but if i climax if i did find a straggler you know. I loved pluck a hair. Yeah we i’ve. I’ve yes if i have a an eyebrow hair that’s kind of out because i do. I totally get my eyebrows done. And every now and then especially during the pandemic haven’t been able to. I could see you zeroing with the tweezers wanting to clean them up. I wanna shout out my I’m not gonna say his name. A friend in calgary. We were out One night after a show. And i had tweezers my person. He had a stray hair at the bar. I plucked it. That was after a few beverages. The gay kind of beverages. Yeah okay so so if we go back to the ruined orgasms so you can do it on purpose. It can be physical. It can be emotional. It can be psychological but also you can do it inadvertently and the arabization of the ruined orgasm can come from different areas so it may have to do with power dynamics or that loss of control and that can tie into these emotions that we subvert from negative to positive so obviously you know in real life. Most people don’t wanna feel humiliated. But maybe you learned to erotic size humiliation and kind of take it back with dutton eventually become because if that was something that somebody really enjoyed that loss of control the subversion wouldn’t that i’m curious as to whether that in itself would actually become an orgasmic trigger in the future due to mean kid. Be flirt with something that ruins in. Eventually it works towards something that actually enhances right. It could be and just because something isn’t pleasurable in the way that we see as radically your sexually pleasurable doesn’t mean that it doesn’t still feel good right so when i described like an orgasm where maybe i stop stroking early and then you get the physical components but not that orgasmic release. There’s something about that. That could be appealing to some people. On the other pieces there can be that subversion of socially dominant norms or expectations right. So you’re supposed to orgasm in one particular way and that that pressure can be so extreme for so many of us so letting go of that with the ruined orgasm can feel really good for some people. It’s really about role play or experimenting with punishment or other outcomes and so again you’re of discussing your boundaries and desires ahead of time. You’re checking in with each other. You’re paying attention to after care as this can. All be part of consensual pleasurable sex. Play the also. Ask some questions about forced orgasm so generally with forced orgasm. Your pleasure isn’t limited like you can still lock control so your partner might tie you up and continue to stimulate you kind of know refractory period but the orgasms are not intended to be limited in pleasure whereas usually with ruined orgasms. They are and of course there are different definitions for different people. Some people the the person’s also asking if a ruined orgasm means that you don’t have an orgasm and that’s interesting because it goes back to the fact that there’s no universal terminology because i’ve heard people talk about ruined orgasms as orgasms. That don’t happen but even the experience of orgasm is subjective. Right if we define orgasm by a pleasurable release of tension that you know is often accompanied by muscular contractions. You might say that ruined orgasm isn’t an orgasm. Because you’re not getting that pleasurable release right. But what if you have an orgasm where you don’t have muscular contractions right like maybe you don’t enjoy it so i i don’t know i think you can define it kind of any way you want. And then this person was also asking about whether or not it’s different than edging and so edging generally refers to building to pleasure via kind of peaks and valleys. it’s kind of part of building an undulating crescendo to a more powerful orgasm. So it’s sort of different than ruined orgasm. Which is detracting from some pleasurable component of orgasm. However you’d find that so what do you think. I think it’s all very interesting. I like hearing about edging. Because i used to edge without knowing what edging was really did just enhance the orgasm so much so much. How do you do it. Well how did. I did it by slowing down. And when i felt like i was at the that point of no return or getting very very close to it i would stop.

00:10:03 – 00:15:01

I don’t know if you remember years and years and years ago when when we were having sex. That’s what i would do. Is i would say i would stop us and not for long periods of time just long enough that i could control the physiological sensation. So that i wouldn’t get so that it wouldn’t orgasm but that will i mean i didn’t. I didn’t know at the time that i was edging but it was really it was fun. I didn’t do it every time but it was fun doing well. I think lately i have. I haven’t. I haven’t taken the time. Because i found that edging was something where having sex like for me resulted in a longer process because i built myself up and then i’d stop and i’d be okay in the build myself up so having sex was a longer activity whereas lately it hasn’t been i’ve enjoyed the sex but the sex but it’s just not something that we’ve taken a really long time to enjoy Is just thinking. Because i was thinking about doing like a relationship in sex check in. Maybe we’ll do that next week. But don’t feel like we’re taking the time lately. Go i wholeheartedly agree. I feel like i enjoy the sex that we’re having but it hasn’t been something that we’ve really carved out time to do and i think that that’s also my own my own behavior and what i tend to do. I rush sex do you. You don’t agree. No i think you take forever now to go back to work know what i mean. Is i rush sex in that. I always use do it. Close to when i have something to do. Yeah we’re five to leave at one thirty. I’m going to start at one o’clock in the morning. We were supposed to go for breakfast where i was going to steal the small bottles in tele from the table. Those of you just. That’s her jam. Literally like i took some jam and i took some natella there for me there on my table. Their baby jars. I got the and yeah. You tried to have sex with me. And i was thinking like well. What about the natella bottles. What if i don’t have time to get the natella bottles. Does what you were thinking. Know when you tried to have sex with me. When we started. I was i was all in. Here’s the thing though. You know what i say. We don’t take the time as of late. I actually. i’m not seeing the judgment. Like i’m not really complaining or saying. Oh we should because there’s so much pressure right like to do everything and today i’m pretty wiped. It was up very late and up very early. Because i’m a night person and a morning and so i don’t feel badly about it. I think i don’t know. I just want to say that if we’re not taking as much time and it’s still feeling good and we’re still feeling connected. It’s also okay. I completely agree. I don’t feel bad that we’re not carving up more time for sex. I’ve just noticed that it’s not something that we’ve taken a long time to focus on. We have sex. I really enjoy it a long drawn out process and maybe in the future we will have longer drawn out sessions. Maybe we’ll what is it. Sting sting it up three days of sex and brag about it Okay let’s go back to talking about orgasms. Because i have another question here about how to have a sleep orgasm and are they real. How can that happen so people can have orgasms in their sleep and one theory as to why we have orgasms in our sleep suggests that it’s a way to release sexual tension so others suggests that they’re actually tied to dreams or they arise in response to repress desires and they’ll just theories but research reveals that sex dreams are actually not that common so there was one study of students and it revealed that they only dream about sex and average of nine times a year. This young man they think about sex daily. There was another study that found that college aged men think about sex eighteen times a day. But they’re only having sex dreams. And i don’t mean like ejaculation. Just sex dreams. More generally nine times a year. And so there’s this disparity between this incidence of sex dreams versus sexual thoughts. That also makes me think. I know do dreams really reflect our daily thoughts and desires are extremes. Obviously don’t always reflect our real desires. Like i dreamt about things i really don’t wanna do but i do want to say that people of all genders can actually have orgasms in their sleep or wet dreams since manner twice as likely to report orgasms in their sleep versus women Women also may be less likely to notice or remember sleep orgasms because there might not be like evidence like ejaculate in the bed and i would say people are more likely to have sex dream than an actual orgasm and then also go to question about why. It’s easier for some people to have an orgasm in their sleep versus orgasm during sex. This is from somebody who has experienced this and they want to understand why. And i was thinking that. It’s probably tied to the fact that when you’re asleep you’re maybe more easily able to relinquish inhibitions and pressure and responsibilities and gender roles and other expectations and i was looking into the research around sex dreams. And there’s a theory that they might be the result of heightened. I’m gonna mess up this word dopamine a nerd jet doping dope it’s dopamine dopaminergic yet.

00:15:01 – 00:20:00

Can yet i open it. Don’t i’m probably not even pronouncing it properly. Check dopaminergic systems in conjunction with just a change in the way the prefrontal regulatory systems work. So the idea is that our prefrontal mortices help to control or sexual desires. When we’re awake because you can’t act on every sexual desire you have. But as the system gears down during the sleep cycle our reward centers kind of make way for all these different types of dreams. So i thought that was an interesting and very challenging theory reference. To at what age six men tend to stop having wet dreams or orgasms in their sleep so they tend to be more common among younger people and especially people who aren’t what i’ve heard anecdotally Masturbating right so if you’re not giving yourself the release you’ll just get the release in your sleep. I can tell you that that is not correct as a teenager. I didn’t have a ton of. But i certainly had wet dreams and it was like a sheet touched my penis or something or like a gust of wind came through my room and all of a sudden but i now when i dream and if i have a dream where there’s some sex involved i finish in my dream. I always wake up. Like i could be very aroused but i would never finish in my dream as a teenager. Oh yeah it was all done and let me assure you that. I was masturbating. It was a regular activity interesting. Maybe you forgot day. nope no. Did you like masturbate. Every day as a teen. I don’t recall exactly the frequency but it was it was frequent in. Yeah like once a day or once every other day definitely. I’m glad you’re saying that because some people are so concerned about how often they masturbate. They’re like oh. I do it every day. Is that too much. But no i mean i think i turned out okay. I think i think. I think everything turned out just fine. I definitely had my days where i did it more than once. Yeah and yeah and that was back in the day. When you didn’t have there was nothing there was oh my goodness kids today. When you say that line you have access to so much visual stimuli. I nothing. I had the squeak lease. He had to post john squeezer. Then it’s the late night show where you might see a nipple. You might see some sort of nudity. You didn’t know what gender it was but it was enough to make it happen and it was. Yeah so yeah. I’m jealous of what everybody has access to share. Well it’s interesting to talk about sex dreams. Because i love having sex streams because i feel so relaxed when i wake up. I don’t think i have an orgasm. We’ve talked about this before too. We’ve had sex in her sleep Oh my god. I love that. I don’t know if i was. We were asleep but not asleep. It was like the touching and the arousal happened for me in my sleep. But then i woke up while we were having sex with all the way through. No you’re right. It’s more like a groggy. Nece that feels so good This person was also. Like how. Can i make sure i have extreme. What can i do to increase my likelihood of a sex orgasm. I mean. I don’t think you can have them on demand but i think we could suggest that may be fantasizing before you go to bed might increase the likelihood of having it on your mind and maybe it shows up in your dreams. But i don’t have the data to support that but it’s worth a try to know what the answer is to that because it’d be great turt- incorporating that into my priestly regimen right so from orgasms to some more questions. I wanna power through a few of these. This person has a whole bunch of questions about diet and your vagina and ph levels and vaginal secretions and probiotics And they really just want to know how your diet affects your vagina and so your diet. Whatever you eat affects your overall health so it follows that it affects part. You know your original health to a degree because vaginas a part of your body so this means that basically if you eat a healthy balanced diet which of course varies from person to person and i can tell you what that is because some people are healthy balanced diet includes. I don’t know for example lots of race and bread and for other people. It doesn’t everybody’s different but generally if you’re eating a balanced diet that’s good for you. It can reduce general inflammation can improve. Immunity and by extension can reduce the risk of infections. Which is good for the vagina. It’s possible that a balanced diet can support a healthy ph but there are also other factors at play in terms of probiotics. The theories that probiotics can help by introducing live micro organisms that could address some of the conditions that are believed to be caused by bacterial imbalance so like yeast infections or bacterial genesis. And then when. I actually look at the evidence like i kind of looked at some summaries of research. It’s not conclusive as to whether or not oral ingestion of probiotics will directly affect vaginal bacteria. This definitely isn’t my area of expertise. But i will say if something’s working for you like if you find eating yogurt Makes you feel good that down in your vaginal area than than do it and if you find it doesn’t affect you in any way that’s okay too. There’s there’s a bunch of questions in here about taste. So what can you eat to make sure you taste.

00:20:00 – 00:25:04

Super sweet down there What about pineapple. and. I can’t find any studies. That directly link food ingested with vaginal taste by of course we hear from so many people who will say that pineapple fruits vegetables tend to lead to a sweeter taste right like generally speaking. We hear that sweet fruits natural juices the sweet taste and then things like coffee and cigarettes and you know asparagus. Spear roof can lead to a more bitter taste. I mean we smell it in our p. Almost immediately but the thing is you don’t be out of your vagina so brandon. I do know that. I think if you really want to know how foods affect your vaginal taste. I would just suggest tracking your own food intake and tasting your own vaginal secretions and see if you notice a difference over the course of you know two to four weeks and i think it’s also important to remember that your body’s natural secretions change if you have a menstrual cycle so some of the shifts in taste won’t be related to diet and if you do this to this person send us a note about it. We love to hear your feedback. Actually last week on instagram. Hundreds of people sent messages about the penis size podcast and whether or not they think pena size matters so hopefully next week i can go through some of those and share some of the responses. So there’s something you want shared on this podcast you send it over our way. They’re asking about hydration. If that can change the taste. I really don’t know i think you know staying hydrated is good for your overall health and so again you’re vaginas a part of that health so yeah drink lots of water and then they’re also asking. How much food do. I need to eat to change the taste of my vagina. And this is where we run into differences between. I think what happens in a lab versus what happens in real life right so if we take me. No research with garlic for example contains a property alison that has been shown to kill yeast. Which can of course affect taste in laboratory studies but the thing is you’re not putting clothes of garlic in your vagina and taking garlic supplements or lee is really unlikely to kill. Used in the vaginas so just because of food is linked with a beneficial. Bacteria doesn’t mean that eating it will send this good bacteria straight to the vagina. So i think just kind of from a common sense perspective just need to eat what feels and tastes. Good for you Washed your vulva not the vagina just volvo with water and let it breathe when you can like. I’m not wearing underwear right now. are you free. balling it. I’m not free bowling. But thank you for us and they also say you probably taste really good. Just taste yourself and get comfortable with your own taste because that vagina really is a self cleaning oven and sure like there can be infections. So can every other part of your body and so i just want people to feel decent. You know about the way they taste. That’s really interesting to say. Taste yourself if you’re curious as to what you taste like. Because i i know that guys will and maybe maybe i’m wrong but you know men that want their come to taste a certain way if you were to ask them to teach their own come. They probably wouldn’t have. You tasted your come. i’m sure i have. I haven’t consciously done it. I haven’t like like no. You’re young nope. Were you ever curious like what held you back from tasting. I’m not sure what held me back. I’m i’m sure that there was a discomfort. With i think growing up reflecting back on my situation that we shame around masturbating and orgasm ing coming and i think that there was something i was told that it. I don’t know where this came up that it was dirty right. So the idea of of like tasting your own come just seemed really weird but the expectation for somebody else to do. It is contradictory right. So i’m sure that i have done it. I haven’t consciously done it. Would you do it the next time you come in. Come tell us about. Come in and report back asparagus bitter chicken. There’s nothing wrong with doing it. So yeah i will do it there. You go all right today. Today’s your day. I don’t know that i’m going to go do it right now. Right now but leader at some point. I will do it in the very near future. I wonder if people with china’s are more open to tasting themselves than people with penises. I don’t know if that’s true. I’m not sure i would. I would assume. Actually i’m not sure. Yeah i’m thinking. Just the internalized homophobia for men is like anything that i go near any penis including myself. My own is somehow a problem. Even though you touch your penises all the time definitely or and again that goes back to the whole stimulating. The innocent trying to stimulate the prostate. Right it said you that if you were to do that your group that okay if you did that. You’re gay so ridiculous. It’s ridiculous like the idea of associating. One specific sex act with a particular sexual orientation when sexual orientation is so much more than a sex act. Not only that. But how much pleasure can you derive from stimulating. The prostate right right. Like how much am i was i. Am i missing out on right. Well when you really think about it. All of these layers of shame and stigma and stereotypes and homophobia misogyny trans-phobia the holds us back in every area of life toxic masculine masculinity at.

00:25:04 – 00:26:47

Its at its finest right. I think there’s also a fear to. When i look at some of the toys i have to put in right now to make it feel good like i need to relax a whole bunch. A whole bunch even start with a smaller one though there have been some great recommendations. I remember carlisle talking about using carlisle or luna talking about using the knuckle your knuckles and stimulating. The outside like you don’t have to go to just put in a few fingers in their work your way up like you do with most other things that you learn to enjoy. Absolutely and we have some old podcasts. On prostate plan anal play. The people can go check out a rape. But we do have more questions to get to. And i don’t know if we took too long but we were running at a time so we’re going to leave them for next week once again. Want to say. Thanks so much for tuning in congratulations to jonathan s. Who will be receiving his. We’ve i’ve touch in the mail shortly at. Thanks so much for sending those questions in. Please do keep them coming. Wanna give a big shout to our sponsor. Adam and eve dot com. They are still offering fifty percent off almost any item plus free shipping plus a bunch of free gifts with code dr jess dr. J. e. s. s. at adam and eve dot com. They sell everything under the sun. So if you wanna put something up your but they’ve got you covered. If you want to clamp something over your nipples they’ve got you covered if you won’t lingerie if you want a wedge you can get your butt higher at a higher angle without having to engage the apps they’ve got you covered adam and eve dot com code doctor. Just thanks so much for chattan veve thank you. Thank you for listening folks. We’ll be back next week. Our great one. You’re listening to the sex with dr jazz podcast. Improve your sex life improve your life.