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Sex with Dr. Jess


December 11, 2020

Food Fights, Orgasms & Mindful Masturbation

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In this episode, we chat about our own issues with food as a couple — fights from our past, lessons we’ve learned, and the ways in which individual and cultural differences influence our expectations. We also answer some listener questions including:

  • How do I get over feelings of worthlessness related to my partner not having an orgasm?
  • How do I get more comfortable with masturbation?
  • How can I learn to orgasm without a toy?
  • Is it normal to not enjoy clitoral stimulation?
  • What is mindful masturbation?

If you’ve got questions for the podcast, please send them our way! And feel free to share your food fight (or harmony) stories as well.

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

Food Fights, Orgasms & Mindful Masturbation

00:00:05 – 00:05:05

You’re listening to the sacs with dr jess podcast sacks and relationship advice you can use tonight Welcome to the sex with dr jazz. Podcast i’m your co host brandon. Where here with my lovely other. Half dr jess hey. Hey i’m feeling. I’m feeling excited today. Exceptionally excited because this is first podcasts. Since we moved down to jamaica temporarily permanently not forever and ever but for a while and it was. it was an ordeal. the build up was very nerve wracking. Because i don’t know there was just a lot to wrap up in toronto but excited to be down here we are. I guess what you’d call isolating. We’re not forced to stay in our hotel room. But we’re not seeing anybody else for fourteen days and then we’re going to move over to the north north east coast north kind of in the middle of the island on the north coast to iraq abassah to be with my family. Which will be interesting. Because oh my gosh. I miss them so much. But also i definitely think. Brandon has a different expectations of distancing than than maybe other people. You err on the side of caution distancing distancing. i mean. we’ve been told in canada to keep our distance. Wear a mask if you’re inside and to limit your your group your your circle your bubble in canada now. So i think that to say distancing as distancing. It’s definitely different wherever you are. You know we have folks who are listening in the states and even across the states. The standards are different. I’m not saying that you know i get that. They’re saying six feet masks limit indoor exposure but people’s notion of bubble so i don’t know if they’re using the language of bubble everywhere but in ontario. They’re talking about the size of your bubble on how how big it’s allowed to be in. It depends on the area that you’re in so certainly i think it’s a challenge and we have to learn from a relationship perspective to communicate our needs and our own boundaries. I think people who are not receiving hugs and physical affection from me when it’s safe to do so and with your consent. I will be hugging the crap out of everybody. So perhaps joy this period right now where. I’m not hugging you. And i’m a little more comfortable with hugs with some people. It was my mom seventieth birthday yesterday so before we left we saw her. And i mean. I’m not gonna lie. I gave her a hug. We were wearing masks. But i gave you give her a hug to give her a hug but again it was one of the few that i have given out over the last ten months. So you can imagine. I’m getting so many hugs from brandon. I just i just can’t get away you know it’s all good but anyhow happy to be down here and You know shifting our work so that we can work from down here obviously very fortunate that we are able to come down here and do most of our work in my work has shifted considerably. I’m not doing my regular work but doing some of these things virtually has has worked out and you know we. We have a number of topics we want to talk about tonight. many to do with some of the questions you’ve sent in. I’ve been getting more and more questions from you with appreciation. Thank you very much and before we dive into those. I want to talk very quickly about. Let’s get checked dot com. They offer at home health testing on everything from sexually transmitted infections to hormones to fertility to liver tests cortisol tests kidney test all those things so check them out at. Let’s get checked dot com and please use code dr jess to save so that they know that you found them via our podcast. Now the topic. I want to begin with is one. That is a challenge for me and i think a little bit sensitive about and this topic came up because of a journalist and pr person von stafford gray now. Von stafford gray is a writer. He’s also canadian. Jamaican i think he’s living in jamaica right now. I need to check it out. But he emailed me the other day because he was writing a big story on food and relationships. Now i don’t wanna give it away because it hasn’t been published yet but you can check out von stafford gray on instagram. We actually met in jamaica. My aunties parties a while back and he was taught he. He’s writing about many food cultures and romantic relationships. And as i said. I highly recommend you check out his work but i wanna talk about food in our relationship and ask some questions so for those of you listening.

00:05:06 – 00:10:04

Do you think it’s important that you eat together with your partner. Do you feel that there’s value in eating together as a family is food. Something that is essential to your relationships is food. Something that is just sustenance or is it something that is rooted in socializing and bonding and you can probably guess where i land on these but brandon. And i definitely don’t agree. Food needs something to me and mealtime means something to me that it doesn’t mean to you and it’s it’s been I guess i’ll just tell the story. It’s been a point of contention for us in the relationship for many many years From for example. I feeling frustrated that i you know i do all the shopping and the cooking or even ordering food whereas you’re happy sort of eating a cereal bar or a protein ball and i’ve always kind of chalked up your either disinterest or unwillingness or just general lower levels of enthusiasm toward food always chucked it up to kind of laziness like you don’t feel like bothering and i’ve had to learn over the years that it’s not lazy and that’s a judgment on my on my part i acknowledge that it’s you just don’t care as much and i wonder if their cultural differences because i think about growing up and in my family’s case my mom being in the kitchen and kind of bringing food as an act of love and even still today my mom showing up on our porch when even when she couldn’t come inside because we weren’t allowed she would show up with soup and show up with dumplings and show up with freshly baked bread and cinnamon rolls. My mom can honestly showed to my mom who became a septuagenarian yesterday. She can make anything and she makes it so damn good like she’ll taste caccia bread and then go home and make it but for me. It was such an important moment of bonding every single day with my family and all i think an expression of love and i show my love in that way. I’ll awesome him to drop food off to other people. If i pick up something that tastes delicious. I wanna pick it up for a friend and other people in my life like many of our neighbors also express love through food so this has been really normalized for me and it doesn’t mean it’s right and it doesn’t mean it’s the only way it’s just one way. But then of course in my human universal desire to generalize your own feelings and desires to everyone else. I’ve made on you so for example you have these two bars like protein bars or something in the morning and it always has driven me. Nuts that you don’t think of sitting down and eating with me or getting food that i would like to eat and you know we thought about it in the past and then you know i don’t know how long ago If it was a year or two years or longer i realized that some things just aren’t resolvable. I cannot like it and it can bother me. But i can’t also expect you to do things differently just because i want to because i know you take so much pleasure in just sitting in having your coffee and these two bars now. I’m long winded Brennan’s like waiting to get to the mike. Maybe you should share your perspective. Because i really want to say. I don’t think i’m right. I just know what feels good for me and you don’t have to do everything that feels good for me. ’cause you do so much the feels good for me so i would agree with you. I’m not trying to absolve myself of responsibility there. I think that i. It’s probably a combination of factors this number one. Yeah i mean. I’m sure that a bit of it is is laziness selfishness up in the morning. I’ve used a million excuses as to why i don’t make you breakfast but make me breakfast but share in breakfast with me or even the way i look at it as you make sure you have your bars in the house. But you wouldn’t make sure that. There is no brad or other things in the house that i eat. Well recently i would say that. I have taken more of an effort to make sure that there are some basic necessities for you. I still don’t know that it necessarily is what you want. I see you shaking your head. You don’t think that there’s like fresh bread bag in the house sometimes and also my mom brings it over and we freeze it and then you warm it up for me. What i want to say is that. And i wanna say this to you. You’re really thoughtful. And i know that whenever you can do something for me you always do. I was just reminding reminded of the divide in food values.

00:10:04 – 00:15:03

That i do think are maybe cultural. Yeah maybe that’s what it boils down to. At the end of the day growing up. I remember eating some meals together but there were certain meals that we had together frequently but most of the time it was dinner you ate. Every other meal was kind of grabbing. Go like we were always running to the door and that made of had to do with just the attitude towards food might have had to do how we were always running behind with with whether it was getting to school or also growing up. The the focus wasn’t so much on eating together because oftentimes there were different things that we were doing in the evening whether it was sports or just everybody kind of had their own life. And i don’t think that that’s that couldn’t have been the case when you were like six years old though but i don’t remember anything from before i was about ten so you can’t come. You can ask me questions about pre ten years old. yes this is. this is true. And i was. You know when when von stafford great contacted me about the story. I started looking into the research and how meal rituals are not only do. They vary from family to family and culture to culture and individual to individual but they’re also really shifting as lifestyles evolve so we see more and more people who are opting for breakfast too. Go to go so like what you eat. Babe in the form of our smoothies shakes and dinners are also more likely to involve take out or delivery. So i was reading one piece. I think it was a an industry report in the uk restaurants reporting that and this is pre covid that half of the meals they serve are in fact for takeout. Now so people aren’t necessarily cooking. And i thought that’s kind of interesting because not cooking can potentially alleviate tension related to division of labor and maybe even potentially create space for more quality time and i was also thinking that when you order in it can help to address disparities in either dietary restrictions or food preferences. You know if. I eat meat. And you don’t eat meat or if you like a solid and i don’t like a solid ordering in can address that where that’s maybe a little bit more labor if you’re cooking together or for the family you can’t necessarily make a meal for each person and then the other piece i saw and this relates to our episode last week with regard to techno fearance We’re seeing that. Techno fearance at the dinner table can certainly have a effects on on mealtime and on connection and a third of people reported that their partner checks their phone during the meal. Which i think is funny why we’re like snitching on our partners instead of saying. Yeah i check my phone during the meal and of course this type of techno furans is positively correlated with conflict and lower relationship satisfaction even depressive symptoms and lower life satisfaction. So i thought. I’d just throw it out there and ask folks whether you fight about food whether that has to do with. Who prepares the meal. Who does the shopping because it is quite a not only labor but from my perspective a labor of love. But i also think it’s just i don’t know i’m wondering how many people you know. Have these cultural or family or ethnic background differences that play this important role with regard to expectations and value. So i look at you know if you see the family meal as an expression of love and connection. It’s so easy to read your partner’s indifference as indifference to the relationship when really for them. It’s just about food and you are reading into it and i. I’ve caught myself in this. Which is why talking about your expectations. Not just about what you want. But really digging into why you wanted. And the underlying values you attached to anything whether it’s food or sex can help to improve understanding and reduce tension. And we’ve had to do that over the years. ’cause i i you know. I used to get so frustrated about the bars and now i’m like hey. He likes to eat the bars. It’s not because he doesn’t want to eat with you. It’s not because he doesn’t care about you I’m doing some negative filtering here. If i think you don’t care about me ’cause you do so many things for me and so many you express your love in so many ways. It’s like just get over the bars jessica and also i again going back excuses. I make one of the problems. That i have is when i have made an effort to make food. It sucks and you know how much it sucks when you try and i mean again. It’s an excuse but with time and with practice in with effort it will get better. But i made breakfast the other day number one. It did suck it was it was more recently. It was avocado toast. I’m like how do you screw up. Avocado is literally avocado lime on brett and it was. The bread wasn’t toasted. The avocado was like kinda rotten. And i’m getting my bars. But it’s this cycle where you for me. I make the food it stinks. It’s reinforcing the negative association with making a meal.

00:15:03 – 00:20:24

Where i i need to just get over it. What i’ve said before what i would love to do actually would love to to have. Your mom helped me. Just make one or two things really really. Well you know something basic. I find the best food i’ve ever had is just the most basic of ingredients and the simplist meal once i’ve got one or two of those down maybe then when i make them it won’t suck you’ll be happy and make me wanna make more fit well. I’m glad i’m glad we’re talking about this. Just i think maybe we couldn’t have talked about it a few years ago because it was more of a a little issue right. It’s still an issue. I can probably check my heart rate right now and it’s probably elevate why do you. Why do you feel that. It’s something that we have argued about four years and you know it’s something that still isn’t one hundred percent resolve. Because i find our schedules all are all over the place. So there’s a lot of moving parts that’s true and Well i wanna say to you. Then that like i really i feel like i want you to have what you want and if what you want us to sit and have coffee and a breakfast bar i definitely don’t wanna stand in the way of that and i do want to thank you because i do feel as though you know if there is bred in the house you warm it up for in the oven or you put butter on it or love for you to learn to love the rex bar. Yeah no dates on dates dried fruit and my mom actually before we came to jamaica like showed to mom. Seriously you’re sick. She is so amazing but also just so generous with her time and energy. She made brandon like a hundred balls energy balls balls like dried. Apricot ruled balls and peanut butter. Something or other rolled balls or better than anything in the store for so good. Yeah mom is amazing. She could have her. she’s retired. Mj now but her name’s marriage roy but she could definitely if she felt like a another career she could do anything with food and lots of other things. She’s really amazing so happy. Belated to my mom. Who i know is not listening. I just. I assure myself that my mom isn’t listening but maybe she is so. We want to get to some topics that folks have sent in and this this is a really common so we often hear from people who have difficulty having an orgasm with their partner. But i’m also now hearing more and more from partners who are bothered by the fact that their partner isn’t having an orgasm so this this person rates in I can’t make my girlfriend orgasm and it really bothers me. I’m deeply in love with her. And i wanna pleasure her sexually. We have a great relationship and communication. But still she bought a sex toy recently which makes her come but also makes her squirt and really happy for her. I truly am. But i do feel unworthy. Can you help me any tips reading material resources. It’s really important to me. I want to pleasure and become a better lover for her. So there’s so much here. I just wanted to begin by saying you are so worthy the fact that you care about your partner’s pleasure the fact that you’ve built a relationship that you cultivate communication that you’re going out of your way to learn. You are probably an amazing lover and a very worthy partner. And i want to say really hear you that it can feel it. It’s easy to feel you know like not as good as you would like to feel. I don’t wanna put words in your mouth when you feel that they can derive a certain type of pleasure or maybe a higher level a level of pleasure in one way. But not with you. And i wanna say it’s also common that when using a toy and went on our own. We can relax a little bit more or get into the right head space or be physically overwhelmed in a way that you know makes us reach orgasm. I want to emphasize that you don’t really necessarily give a partner and orgasm. There are an important part of the process to so this isn’t on you. This could in fact have to do with You know her struggles to let go. Maybe her feelings of performance pressure brennan. Have you ran into this lee. I’m i know that it’s been a while. We’ve been together a long time. And i know that you know how to achieve what it is. You’re looking to achieve. I the first thing that came to my mind was just it. Sounds like they have a great relationship. Which i thought was fantastic but as you explaining your answer i was thinking. Could you not both e what. I’m thinking is she enjoys the toy or your partner enjoys the toy i would think about using the toy with with with them and then possibly complementing that with touch and then eventually over the course of whether it’s a month or two months or three months can you get to the point where the percentage that you’re using the toy versus your own hand starts to shift in favor of you or your mouth or whatever it is that you’re using so you’re still using the toy but you’re learning as you go where it’s like maybe at i ninety five percent of what you’re doing to achieve orgasm is the toy.

00:20:24 – 00:25:03

Five percent is your touch and kiss and all the other things and then slowly you start shifting that focus onto your touch and see what works in that respect. Yeah yeah absolutely. I love that i think brennan covered it. I would challenge you also to think about why like do. Is it absolutely necessary to take the toy out of the equation An why is that to maybe dig a little bit deeper in terms of techniques. I have a gazillion. I could share with you and i would recommend that you go check out my mind blowing oral clitoral edition video course at your colors dot com and hopefully you. Can you can play with some techniques that work for her and maybe you can mimic the toy as well so it depends on what type of toy she’s using so if she’s using a vibrator can you kind of vibe with your finger against whatever area feels good for her. Can you vibe with your lips. Can you moan so that she gets those reverberations if she’s using more of a pleasure air toy like the womanizer products. Can you roll your tongue into a tube or can you kind of gently suck on the clitoris But i really want to emphasize that it’s not entirely on you. It may be that you know. Maybe she feels more relaxed with the toy or less self conscious. I i don’t again. I don’t wanna. These are not guarantees. I don’t want to say that. I know her situation but i think that you’re already on the right track. I think i you should work on feeling worthy because you absolutely are. You can totally experiment with new ways to touch. I would also recommend full-body touch if you can take twenty minutes to just rile her up by touching her body from head to toe with your lips with your breath with the backs of your fingers with massage oil and just different stroke techniques. I think that might get her body more into aroused and relaxed state. I love that idea. I like the idea of spending the first however long ten twenty minutes working them up and then initially using the toy to help them get to orgasm. And then like i was saying before you could start shifting and doing a little bit longer and really working them up on your own. Whatever works. yeah somebody brought this up recently that we use so many different tools in our lives to ensure that things work for us or feel comfortable for us or that we function in a way that that is desirable and that varies from person to person but somebody talked about glasses and contact lenses. And how i. I wear contact lenses every day so that i can have twenty twenty vision. Brandon wears his glasses like fifty percent of the time so he can have twenty twenty vision. But we’re not trying to get rid of our glasses or contact lenses we’ve just integrated them into our lives with no shame. And so we use these different tools in coupons all the time but when it comes to sex we feel. We shouldn’t so i think it’s also okay to just you know orgasm more with a toy and maybe you can use a toy together. Oh that’s a great idea too. So i don’t know what your anatomy is. But if you have a penis you could wear a vibrating ring that you wear during intercourse and it would vibrate against her clitoris. And if you don’t have a penis if you also have a clitoris you could be using toys together like different ones. That harness on so. I do recommend the we vibe pivot which is a vibrating penis ring that is actually designed for the partners pleasure as well so to robin grind vibrate against the the clitoris during intercourse in different positions. So that’s the we we vibe pivot and if you go to we vibe dot com you can use code doctor just to save a couple of dollars so i hope that’s a little bit helpful and and now i want to move on to a couple of questions about masturbation because i received two different ones actually back to back so i’m going to read them to you and then we can chat about that a little. This first person says. I’m having serious struggles with masturbation i grew up in a baptist household and masturbation was frowned upon. I’m even embarrassed to admit that. I didn’t know women could even get themselves off until after i was married my husband left me and divorce is now final and for the first time in my life i feel free to explore my sexuality and damn girl. It is amazing. I’m running into a serious problem though. I can masturbate with a vibrator. Wow however i never get anywhere with my fingers for the manual deal. Actually this ties into the last question. I’m desperate to figure this out. So i can tell my partner what works but i have no idea. I’ve looked in websites asked my girlfriend’s tried a suggestion of yours Try to mimic the action.

00:25:03 – 00:30:05

But i’ve had no success. Please help my closet sing all right. I wanna read the next one. Because i think they tie in this person says i. I love your podcast. All right thank you. I’m a thirty eight year. Old woman who has never experienced pleasure for masturbation. And i wanted to know if this is normal. I’ve tried to masturbate a few times in the past but usually can only stand it for a minute or two. As playing with my cl- it really does not turn me on. And actually i find it to be weird and i’m not comfortable with my body at all. I also find figuring myself to be gross and not a turn on at all even though if my husband does it or when i have had previous partners do it. It does turn me on. Is this normal other women who have experienced this too. I am now at a point in my life where i wanna be more comfortable with my body. Be able to learn how to masturbate and even try using a sex toy without feeling like it would be weird or gross or uncomfortable. But where do i even start. Is the something that can be overcome. And are there things i can try to learn how to be more comfortable and in tune with my own body. Alright so actually. All three of these listeners. I think the questions tie in with some some similar themes so if we begin just with masturbation and the shame attached to masturbation and the shame attached to our bodies. That’s quite a process to to let go of right. It’s not as simple as here’s a technique you can try. Or here’s a way you can touch yourself. I do think it’s worth looking into the source of the shame so that you can maybe rewrite some of those messages that automatically occur when you think about pleasure masturbation and your body so i would kind of start with who taught me that. Does that person actually know about pleasure. Or masturbation or my body. Do i really value that source of information. And it’s funny because growing up my mom would always say to me. Consider the source. So i remember like if somebody was mean to me or made fun of me she would say consider the source riley does. This does this person. Actually no you know if if if a kid called me stupid or i do remember you know. Having my food made fun of. Because i brought more like chinese food and sometimes jamaican food to lunch and i remember my mom saying consider the source and now i’m like yeah. They were eating kraft singles sandwiches. I should be happy. I had my my dumplings. But i do love across singles slice. That’s true here’s guilty pleasure so good so bad. I don’t feel any guilt. I’m like i like that rubbery taste what i don’t like. His is the the bread with all the chemicals. But that’s neither here nor there. So consider the source and consider kind of looking back at your sexual values. And i would recommend you go back to one of the previous podcasts on sexual values to think about you know what does pleasure mean to me right. Why why am. I entitled to pleasure. Why do i reject pleasure. What makes me uncomfortable about pleasure and then go back to those sources right so we can rewrite these messages. The problem is when you spend your whole life when you have ten twenty thirty forty fifty years with negative messaging ingrained and imposed upon you. We actually have to consciously rewrite those messages right and so for masturbation if you’re feeling like it’s wrong or if you’re feeling like it’s dirty i would just ask you to kind of look at. Where’s the for that right. Where’s the evidence that this pleasure in my body could actually do me harm writers. Is there any evidence that if i touch myself and it feels good that something bad will happen. Is there any evidence that if i touch myself and it feels good that you know all become ill or whether it’s mentally or physically so i think i shifted just really give yourself permission In terms of feeling good in your body. I do find that the more time you spend naked the better you you start to feel with your body because oftentimes clothes are really about covering our own shame so can you spend tiny little spurts of time naked And can you derive other forms of pleasure from your body whether it’s movement or yoga or dance or eating or drinking or singing. Can you sit in your body and just think about you. know where. where do you find pleasure. and then a couple of Comments i saw in these questions related to things not feeling good. So if it doesn’t feel good when you touch your click that’s okay. Some people don’t enjoy having direct stimulation of their closet. So i would. I would encourage you to just stay away from the genitals to begin with and touch the rest of your body. Where do you find pleasure. Can we make pleasure the measure in our relationships so that exploring pleasure across the body.

00:30:05 – 00:35:02

Whether that’s you know your breasts or your collarbone or your shoulders or your lips or your thighs or your feet. Where else can you find any sort of pleasure. It doesn’t have to be erotic or sexual to begin with but the more you attach pleasure to your body instead of shame. The more likely you are to eventually embrace sexual pleasure so for the person who’s asking about mass reading vibrator but not getting anywhere with your fingers number one. I want to say that just might be the case. That’s okay you might just find that the vibrator gives you the sensations that you need and there’s nothing wrong with that you did say that you try to mimic the action. I i understand that you said that that that didn’t work but what else works. Could you cut your hand right around your vulva and just kind of wind and grind and squeeze your legs together and does that feel good or maybe we need to forget. The physical moved to the emotional and the mental and start fantasizing or watching something that turns you on or reading something that turns you on or writing a story that tells you turns you on or thinking about something from your past that turns you on because it’s not always about the physical and you know i just. I don’t know my hope is that you learn to feel good in your body that you know that your experience is absolutely normal. There are absolutely other people who are experiencing this. You are not broken. There is not one specific way. You ought to respond to genital touch. i know people who orgasm from playing with the small of their back. I know people who don’t orgasm unless they fantasize and all of that is okay. I if you are interested again if you’re interested in touch techniques if that’s specifically what you want to look at you can check out the mind blowing world class because it’s not all oral it’s also manual But man i wanna say if a vibrators working for you go for it a fantasy works for you. Then go for it listening to everything that you had to say. And reflecting back on my own experience. I mean i grew up in a household katie british. We didn’t talk about sex. It wasn’t shame shame associated. We didn’t talk about it. I went to a catholic high school. We didn’t talk about it And as a become more receptive to you hearing other people’s journeys and experiences it’s really hard to feel comfortable in your own body when there are so many outlets telling you to cover up. You know where this to look great. You know do this. That lake you said spending time being naked is helpful. The the other thing i reflect back on as as as as a guy growing up i never really masturbation was quick. It was like you did something in the bathroom or in your bedroom quickly. You didn’t wanna get caught. You never took any time to kind of explore yourself and very recently. I’ve started to just touch my own body. Not sexually just touching different parts of my body. That i haven’t otherwise always loved and when i’ve taken the time and carved out that time to do these things it’s amazing how it started to shift my arousal and again it doesn’t always have to lead the sex but just touching my abdomen touching the side. It’s all of these things and taking the time really helped me relax and all of a sudden kind of get a little bit more in tune with my body which i thought was a really interesting transition away from what i grew up expecting about touch and masturbation and all these things. Yeah that’s so. True i think for people with penises. It’s always about just stroking the pianist orgasm. Whereas i think for people with china’s we encourage them to explore the whole body. But you’re right it’s it’s important for people of all genders and with all genital make-up’s and you’ll so reminded me that. I think another thing. For both of these people to try is mindful masturbation and what that entails is touching for pleasure but not for arousal not for orgasm not for any goal except to tune in to what you’re feeling in your body so imagine touching yourself with your hands just to see like what what’s the temperature. What’s the texture. What’s the rhythm. What’s the speed. How does it feel against your fingertips. How does it feel against your lips or your click or wherever you’re touching. How does the pleasure or how do the sensations spread across your body like. What are you feeling in your toes when you touch between your legs. What are you feeling in your thighs. But are you feeling in your lips. Would you feel in your face. And so when we move. Masturbation away from a goal oriented process to just an experience.

00:35:02 – 00:37:59

Right like if you don’t orgasm to worry man just tune into those sensations. Maybe even do a couple of nights of mindful masturbation purposefully not orgasm ing and then write down jot down in a journal. How you felt rightly. What were you feeling emotionally. What were you feeling psychologically mentally. What did you feel in your body. What did you feel in your skin. And there’s no right. There’s no wrong it doesn’t have to change. it doesn’t have to be a growth arc but just to kind of honestly be more mindful right. And i’m i’m doing all my shameless plugging today. But i do have a course on mindful sex that i think can really help people to change the way they in their body and experience pleasure in new ways in more intense ways and more a more present way and so the mindful sex courses also at happier couples dot com and. I do think it’s worth checking out because it can help you to to just tune in to a broader range of sensations without being hung up on a goal right like i know that some people are asking. Well how do. I do this with my fingers. Or how do i make this happen. But what if we just tuned into the process. What you’re gonna find is a you’re probably gonna let go of some of those goals and be some of those things that you previously categorized as a goal just arise on their own. So i do. I do think it’s worth checking that out and even if you don’t buy video course Just look at some mindfulness strategies including breathing and visualization and sense eight focus which means focusing on the physical sensations themselves. And i do know that the sex journaling can really help. Maybe i’ll talk about that In-depth and other time Brandon has to run man’s got big things pop. And so i. I wanna thank you for listening. Really thank folks for writing in with their questions and if you also want to write in with answers to some of these questions because by no means are our insights or responses comprehensive. Please do send us a message. You can even send us voice notes on instagram and we can play them on the podcast. If you don’t mind it would be nice to hear someone’s voice other than mine. You wouldn’t know it from how much i talk. But i would like to shut up once in a while. So thank you for the questions. Thank you for listening. Thanks to our supporter. let’s get checked dot com. Please do check them out. And use code. Dr jeff at checkout to save everything from testosterone tests to thyroid tests and to sti tests all done in the comfort of your home with secure results online. So thank you. Let’s get checked co doctor just as the one to us. Hope you are having a fabulous day wherever you are keeping safe keeping healthy and we’ll be back again next week with brand new episode. You’re listening to the sex with dr jess podcast. Improve your sex life improve your life.