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Sex with Dr. Jess


July 3, 2020

The 11 Sex Personality Types

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Sex therapist Vanessa Marin helps Jess and Brandon to explore their sex personality types and how we can use them to better understand our own needs and our partners’.

The 11 sex personality types include:

  • The Explorer : sex is your playground, the element of unknown
  • The Prioritizer: to know that sex is something you and your partner are willing to prioritize
  • The Decompresser: sex is a form of stress relief
  • The Fair Trader: generosity is the most important quality of sex, balance of giving and receiving
  • The Giver: sex and pleasure is a gift to give to their partner
  • The Guardian: safety and security is of the utmost importance during sex
  • The Passion Pursuer: you want sex to feel all encompassing, losing yourself in the moment and letting go
  • The Pleasure Seeker: the pure physical pleasure to sex
  • The Romantic: sex is all about connection, emotional intimacy with your partner
  • The Spiritualist: a way to connect to a higher purpose, sex feeling like a transcendent experience
  • The Thrill Seeker: taboo or forbidden element to sex, this can contrast with the explorer

They also discuss learning to orgasm, communication and the many dimensions of sexual fulfilment.

Follow Vanessa on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram!

This podcast is brought to you by Let’s Get Checked. Use code DRJESS to save at checkout!

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

The 11 Sex Personality Types

00:00:05 – 00:05:08

You’re listening to the sacs with Dr Jess podcast, sacks and relationship advice. You can use tonight. Welcome to the sex with Dr, podcasts. I’m your Co Host Brandon? We’re here with my lovely other half. Dr Jess how you doing? Amazing amazing was that. Last. Good life is good. Not, as good, as it was a couple of months ago, but it’s good, no so healthy still here, still feeling good. We’re going to be talking about sexual personality types today. How would you describe my sexual personality? Adventurous. Wanting Pleasure wanting an orgasm. Yes, greedy. Yes, thank you and me you. You, you’re give her. Which is nice, but also can be annoying. Yes and we’ve had that conversation before. You didn’t say annoying for Mine I don’t know why I was just thinking of annoying always ends well. How are you in bed? You’re annoying. Do I know you in bed? No, you don’t annoy. Tap on your shoulder while you’re sleeping. TAP stuff the. Yield On your flap of skin. There you go, thank you. Yeah, I would say. You’re very open. Okay and I would also say that you. I don’t know the the adjective for it, but you. You push through sort of like even if if it doesn’t work out in the first five seconds, you kind of work at it. Does that like I don’t WanNa? Say. How do I say it? Listen I’m struggling here but I. think that you put a lot of effort into it. We’ve been there before where you have not been in the mood or perhaps been in the mood initially and then fallen out of the mood and. It’s not working. Or You? Haven’t said anything. I’m not into this anymore so I do think that I’ll make a second or third effort. To try and get us there so now we’ve broadly and kind of Messily described care, sexual personality types, but Now. Let’s figure out what our actual sexual personality types are before we invite our guests on to join US I. Want to shout out. Let’s get checked dot com. They offer online from a distance tests for everything from S. t is to thyroid to level. They mail you the kit. You collect the sample yourself you mail it back in a prepaid package and you get your results online, so you can check out my unique. You are L. which is try L. G. E. DOT. Com Slash, Dr Jessica. That’s Kinda complicated. If you just go to, let’s get checked dot com to order. You can use code Dr. Jess D. DR J. E. S.. S. At checkout. Joining us today is Vanessa Marin a licensed psychotherapist specializing in sex therapy? She offers a range of online programs, and she is the creator of the eleven sex personality types. Thank you for being here. Thanks so much for having the really thrilled to get to talk to you guys. Well I. Think I should ask if you don’t mind. Do you know your own sex personality type? I do I have a couple of them? So when I made the Model I get a little attached to each type. So I kind of see myself in a lot of them, but I have a few that definitely come up more for much than others. Alright! Shall we start with yours as you walk us through the eleven, sex personality types. Sure so I can give you a quick view of what the purpose of this model is what I wanted to do. Was People get a better sense of what they’re looking for? When it comes to sex, because I think we can say, everyone wants to have great sex. Like what does that actually mean? And I think the reality is that it’s so different for each person. There are different things that we’re looking to experience, and I really wanted to give people practical fun playful model for them to explore. Explore their sexuality and to open up conversations with their partner I definitely know that this is a topic that can be challenging the talk about for a lot of people, so I just wanted to finding playful and an easier way to open the conversation so I came up with these eleven, different personality types, and again the basic idea behind it is. This is what you’re really looking to experience during Sachs’s. What makes sex great to you, so there are two types in particular that I really resonate with. The first one is called the explorer so for the explorer sex feels like you’re playground. You’re all about being able to explore and experience different things and you just really like that element of the unknown, so that’s definitely one that comes up for me a lot, and then I am also a different type, called the prioritize her, and so for the prioritize.

00:05:09 – 00:10:03

What you’re really looking for is to know that sex is something that you and your partner are willing to prioritize in. In your lives that you want to make sure you make the space and the time to connect with each other, instead of most of us feel like we’re really busy all the time. We get tired research doesn’t it feels like it slips to the bottom of our to do list so for me, I really want to feel about something that’s important for me and my husband Zander that were making that space in our lives for it rather than just letting it go neglected. I love that I mean as you go through. These I have a feeling that. Most of US would be hopeful to draw from each of them so can. Can you walk us through the other nine? Yeah, I can give you a quick rundown of each, so we one that we have is the decompress so for the compressor. Sex is all about stress relief. Is the way that you blow off steam, you unwind and you like that experience after sex, maybe just as much as if not more as liking the sex itself because you just really enjoy that relaxation that you get afterwards. Another type is the fair trader so for the traitor. Generosity is the most important quality of sex, so you want to know that there’s a balance between giving and receiving between you and your partner and I like to contrast the fair trader with a different type that I call the giver so for the Giver they’re really into giving you know sex pleasure is like a gift that they can give to their partner, and so for the giver they are so focused on the giving that the receiving just isn’t as powerful and impactful for them. Another type is the Guardian and for the Guardian Safety and security is the utmost of the utmost importance during sex. So you really like having this foundation of security with your partner, making sure that you’re being clear about enthusiastic consent boundaries. So is that that you you seek safety and security through sex, or you uphold safety insecurity as the foundation of sex? It was a really good clarification question. It’s that you uphold the safety and security as the foundation. That’s something that needs to be in place for you in order for you to feel like you can really let yourself go and and be in that moment during sex. Okay interesting yeah. And the next step we have the passion pursuer so for the passion pursuer you really like sex to feel all encompassing intense very passionate, maybe even a little bit animalistic, so it’s really that idea kind of losing yourself in the moment and letting go. And not. I think a lot of people can relate to that one. I definitely have some of that myself. And that was an interesting to contrast with the pleasure seeker, where for them it’s it’s really much more about the pure physical pleasure of sex, so it’s not as much about that energy of like letting, go and losing yourself. It’s more just the actual physical experience, so a lot of times when I’m talking to a pleasure secret type. They won’t even really understand this model Sarah like. Just about feeling good look, it’s not more complicated than that. So that’s that’s the pleasure seeker, and then we’d have the romantic where sexes all about connection, and really wanting to experience true emotional intimacy with your partner. Lover and then our last two are the spiritualist, so spiritualist is really engaged in the most or the energetic experience of sex, and for the spiritualist sex feels like a way that can connect to some sort of higher purpose or higher power where sex can really feel like a transcendent experience. And then rounding out the eleven we have the thrill seeker so thrill seekers really like sex that has that element of feeling kind of forbidden or taboo may be playing with different power play elements, but it’s it’s another one to contrast with the explorer of the explorers more about just being explore anything and everything under the sun, but for the thrill seeker it’s really more about wanting to feel that thrill element of something feeling a little bit forbidden, Taboo. I love it when I. When I listened to these eleven, sexual personality types first of all I have a ton of questions. I can see how you can help us to better understand one another and. I can see how it can help us to better understand what our partner wants, but also struggles. That might be specific. To specific personalities, but most importantly. I really see all of these eleven types as as dimensions to explore so even if you tend to be more of for example a giver, how much could you learn from being a fair trader? Because I often talk about how important it is to learn to receive now, that doesn’t mean things need to be fifty fifty or for example.

00:10:03 – 00:15:01

The pleasure Seeker you know I run into so many clients like this I wonder what could they learn if they were to speak to or engage with a spiritualist I so this is I can just see you know it’s sort of like when we think of the five love, languages. You might have a dominant one. You might have a secondary one, but it’s unlikely that you dismiss the other three or four so Brennan and ask you Freeman, which which one of these eleven personality types appeals to do, you have a totally different one. No I think they see myself in a few of them. Let me give you I took some notes and I actually have to remind people that so you’re giving us a very coles notes version. It’s all available on your website. You have a free guide to the sexual sexuality personality types and your website are your. It’s your initials, Vanessa Marin so V, m therapy, views and Victor Amazon mother therapy dot com. It’s my dream to get to know the the alphabet that they use in the airplane the. Data. That’s as far as. Victor I know that? He’s in Victor. Kayak and it’s funny when you have to do one like J.. Always do that, I’m trying to talk to somebody over the phone. and. It yeah. We have a full guy at available, and we even have a quiz. You can take to identify which type is yours, but yet goes into much more detail about what are the strengths that you have at that type? What are some of the challenges that might come up for you? But absolutely this is really meant to give us a framework for exploration and saying yeah, maybe I’ve always thought of sex being this one thing, but hey, there are all these other possibilities of what it could be. I love that. I love that so baby I gotta now you on the spot. Yeah, what’s? The I think I see a bit of seek giver. As. Part of WHO I how I would identify Guardian is how I would identify de compressor is how I would identify, but then interestingly there are other times and other situations where I feel like I have been I I could see other. Personality or sexual types that I would fall into. Like the explorer or not frequently, but I could think of situations where I’ve. Felt that way or the thrill seeker, but I would say the three that you know the decompressed or the giver in The Guardian. Would about you me okay well? What do you want me to tell you? Well, let’s let’s start with you, so The decompress certainly at not only do I. See using sex to decompress, but also you. You tend to need to be distressed in order to get in the mood for six. Right and Vanessa actually this this model aligns with one of the approaches that I use which refers to your core Roddick feeling and you’re elevated. Roddick feeling meaning like the feelings that you need to experience in order to have sex, and in order to take sex to the next level I see them fitting, really nicely What was the other one? You said Brandon The Guardian. Yes certainly and then a giver. Yeah so and the giver such an interesting one, because so many people I think want partner who’s a giver, but also I think we can run into challenges when Your partner’s pleasure becomes predicated on yours, and you must see that in your practice, you whole course online on learning to orgasm enhancement here from these I. It’s mostly for women who who say that part of why they can’t. Because, there’s so much damn pressure to orgasm from a partner absolutely yeah, I definitely tend to see. Givers tend to be very heavily skewed towards male. which is really interesting, because I think that you know, we have stereotypes about men being. Selfish in the bedroom are all about them but I really do see a lot of men who are very wrapped up in this idea of being able to give, and all of these types exist on a spectrum, too, so there are definitely givers who are really altruistic, and they’re giving and genuinely get excited about seeing their partner experience pleasure, and then there are givers who it actually is more of an egotistical type of thing like i WanNa, see you experiencing pleasure so I can feel like I’ve done a really good job. So it’s yeah. All kinds of different things can come up around it, but I think brandon also brought up a really good point to that these can be very context, specific or situational as well, and it can give us a good vocabulary to talk about sex with so maybe you could say to your partner. I’m really looking for some decompress style sex tonight like it’s been a long day. I need to blow off some steam versus. Maybe there’s a different night where you’re looking for some more romantic type of sex. Oh I, really like that and I think number two the prioritize. Her is so important because I.

00:15:01 – 00:20:00

Don’t think that couples have. Filling or frequent enough for themselves, sex in long term relationships, unless you make it a priority like it just doesn’t happen on its own, absolutely in complete agreement with you on that one, and so that was really important for me to to be able to share in the model to because again we have a lot of stereotypes about sex at it’s supposed to be spontaneous, effortless and natural, and I really wanted another outlet to be able to talk about the fact that it requires a lot of active and ongoing effort, and that’s okay. We don’t need to make sex scene like this terrible thing if we have to do things like scheduling, it or carving the time out. In our lives for it, it’s it’s actually a sign that we value ourselves and our partners and our sex lives were willing to make that kind of commitment. Right? I think we have this false assumption that in the beginning sex just occurred naturally, and it was so spontaneous. Really! You Got Groom. Do you got dressed? You met up you carve timeout went on a date. You left the rest of the evening open. All of these components really were. Tantamount to scheduling sex, it may not be the same as as it looks in a long term relationship, but the only time sex happens is when you prioritize it. So how how do you teach people to prioritize sex? I think it starts with just doing that normalization, and this is one of my favorite topics. Talk about because so many people will tell me you know. We just want it to be spontaneous. We just want it to feel natural. We don’t WanNa feel awkward about it, and so it’s really important to me to be able to and I’m so glad that you guys are doing. Doing this to be able to talk about the fact that we have always had to prioritize sex. It’s just the way that we look at the effort that we put into is so different so when you’re at the beginning of a relationship, you’re having four play with each other for for days. If you have a date scheduled on the calendar, you’re thinking about it all. All Week long you’re preparing for it. You’re picking your outfit. You’re going to the gym. You’re all this stuff and we look at that as being the most fun part of an early relationship energy all that effort that we go into getting ourselves so excited about spending time together, and so it’s not until relationships progress that we start getting really down on having the take. Take that time making that effort getting ourselves all psyched up and so it’s not the effort has changed. It’s just our attitudes about the effort, but if we can give ourselves a little attitude, readjustment and recognize you know I love doing all this stuff and yourself to get back into it. It can really just completely change what your sex life looks like and feels like. Feel like you’re getting off scot-free here. We’re talking about just. I should. I should clarify as to what. How you see yourself on this spectrum of okay so I definitely see you, Brandon. I don’t know. I just want to say that I see that you’re choir. I see that you’re a prioritize her and I think you and I have become prioritize irs because pre these these grounded pandemic times I was gone every week and I was flying every weekend. I’m sure we’ve talked about this before that. If I came home for a night or two nights, even if If I was exhausted even if we weren’t in the mood, even if we weren’t feeling connected, we would just make it happen. And I sort of see for us. Being prioritizes as being the foundation for the rest of these potential exploration in there I am certainly a pleasure seeker. Let’s just call it the one personality that’s missing here the greedy one. I think I’m definitely a pleasure seeker I just I can get and then I also am a passion pursuer in that I love that feeling of letting go. I would say that a certainly I can be at times and explorer, but I think that that piece has been missing for me for a while i. think that maybe we haven’t taken as much time and energy as we potentially could to explore and I. Put that on me, not on you you know romantic. I’m not really a romantic and maybe I could work on that a little Certainly I’m a thrill seeker, one hundred percent like so if I think about my core Roddick feeling. I guess it kind of falls into passion and pleasure, but when I think about elevated, it’s. It’s definitely thrill seeker. The forbidden the subversive and I’ve talked about that a lot before that you know we have this safety in love and comfort in our relationship and I wouldn’t trade that for the world in life, but it’s also not like the panty dropper for me I need some sort of I need some sort of risk so i. i see myself in so many of these, but also where I see myself absent to me. It’s a reminder that maybe these are areas. I could explore a little more. Find this really useful as a model to better understand myself and maybe better.

00:20:01 – 00:25:12

My needs to you, but also I see it as a sexual menu so that maybe I should say you know what I I need to focus on number one the explorer, a little more or I’m interested a little bit more in the spiritualist that that needs to take that I could perhaps give a little time to do. I would agree with pretty much everything that you’ve said and I think the prioritization is something that again just we do, but it, doesn’t it? It really lacks the sexiness that you commented on. Our everybody will say it’s like Oh, I don’t have enough, so you’re saying that people don’t want to prioritize sex because it doesn’t. It’s not it doesn’t seem natural, but I also think like it’s never I grew up in an environment where it was just never talked about. We didn’t talk about sex and prioritizing it so the idea of making it a focal point of what you’re going to do. Weekly daily monthly whatever? There’s so many benefits that you could reap from just setting aside some time to make part of your life if you choose to do it, yeah, absolutely I really like this I. Encourage everyone to go to vm therapy dot com, check it out and try the quiz and I also WanNa. Talk to you, because I have you for a few more minutes. I’d really love to chat with you about your online finishing school, so you have an online course at that folks who have maybe. Maybe never had an orgasm or release struggle to have an orgasm. Basically. If you need to learn how to orgasm, finishing school is where you go, so this is learn how to have your very first orgasm on your own how to have powerful orgasms with a partner how to connect with your body, new ways and feel more confident. I encourage people definitely to check out this program online, and I’m wondering if you can share some advice here for people who have difficulty having an orgasm. I’m so glad that you wanNA talk about it. Because finishing school is my baby, I’m so passionate about this course, and really where it came from for me, was I had my own struggles with my orgasm, and even as I was training to become a sex therapist, and you’re trying to figure this out on my own and looking for good resources i. I just got so frustrated with seeing the same kind of advice over and over again, which was basically just relax. Just let it happen. Don’t think about it and I tried my hardest to do all of those things, and that never magically produced an orgasm for me so I. Really you know once I finally figured out for myself I really wanted to. Make, sure that no other women had to go through that same sort of experience ever again, and to actually have practical actionable step by step system for learning how to orgasm than just this very vague and unhelpful advice, so I think the first thing that I would say to people is. If you’re struggling with your orgasm weather, you’ve never had one, or you can on your own, but not with a partner, really just understanding that this is a normal and so common, and it’s for the exact reasons that I just shared made it so hard for me is that there just aren’t resources out there? We’re taught to believe that it’s supposed to happen. You know like so much about sex is a definitely a running theme there. But Yeah, so just understand that it’s completely normal and common, and that you are not hopeless. You’ve never been given the tools that you need to learn how to orgasm, but that doesn’t mean that you’re incapable of having orgasms that you’re not that you’re broken. Something horribly wrong with you, so it just really coming from a place of trying to normalize the hell out of the struggles that so many women have because I’ve. Pretty much every woman who’s ever signed up for finishing school had said I can’t believe this even exists. I thought I was the only woman out there who struggles with? Them, so there’s this really horrible feeling of being alone in it. So that’s definitely what I want to to pass on is that you’re not alone at all, and there are practical actionable tools that you can learn to figure out how to get there in in your program. You have fourteen modules than you walk them through. What are some of these practical actionable tool? So folks hopefully can go explore the program, but you know. Maybe they can even just start something tonight I. Mean I see you talk about how to break down? You know blockages in your mind blockages in your body new ways to masturbate you’ve. Know The goldilocks method priming your body for pleasure. Tell how can you leave us with a few approaches? People might try on their own. Yeah, absolutely, yeah. There’s a lot in finishing school. I’m obviously very passionate about it and wanted to cram that I could in there. So one thing that we can I can share is really to talk about masturbation. I’m such a big fan of talking about masturbation and really trying to take away the shame around female masturbation that we’ve all been taught to have so for my perspective, masturbation is the absolute best way to learn how to have orgasms with your partner, and obviously on your own. A lot of women want to be. Be Able to start having orgasms with their partner, but it’s really important for you to get a sense of your own body, and to connect with your body and figure out what brings it pleasure, so there are I can give you four different specific variables that you can explore with masturbation because again.

00:25:12 – 00:30:16

A lot of women have heard the advice to masturbate, but then all you hear is just. Women say we’ll be yeah, but like how what do I do so there are four different variables that I think are really important to explore first one is getting a sense of whether you like direct clitoral stimulation or indirect clitoral stimulation, so most women tend to fall in one of those two camps were either you like directly touching the surface of your clitoris with your fingers with a toy. or You like working around your clitoris per lot of women, the direct stimulation is a little bit too intense. So that’s a really great dynamic tricks for the next one to explore is the amount of pressure that you like so a lot of women don’t realize that the clitoris is very very sensitive, and so you don’t often need a ton of pressure, but. But definitely have ranges so for some women, even just lightly touching. The surface of the class is going to feel way too intense for other women they can use a really intense Hitachi magic wand on full power on their clitoris in it just barely feel like enough so really trying to get a sense of what level of pressure feels good for your body. The next one is speed so once you figure out. A stroke that you like a level of pressure that you like figuring out how you want to how fast you want to be moving so again. Really Wide Variety, some people very slow, gentle movements, others like much faster more intense. And then finally it’s honing in on specific stroke. That feels good for you. So what I’ve found. Is that a lot of women when they start exploring masturbation, they feel like they need to be like switching it up every few seconds, and trying all these different things and in reality what works fast especially, when you’re first learning how to orgasm just consistent stimulation so finding a very simple stroke, it could be something like just gliding diagonally across the surface of your clitoris. Maybe it’s going circles around your clitoris, but finding one specific stroke to practice with you can. Can really play with honing in on those other dynamics, even more so playing around the pressure, a little bit pregnant, playing around with the speed a little bit, but those four variables are definitely going to help you really hone in on what is that your body responds to I love how specific you’re getting, and that’s what I really like about your work, and I look at this. You know fourteen module coursing. You’re talking about a tiny little piece of one tiny section so certainly. receive so many questions from people who have difficulty having an orgasm, or who never had one, so I highly encourage them to check this out now you know before we let you go any words of wisdom for just generally improving your sex life so beyond looking at the eleven, sexual personality types, which is I, think which I think is a great place to start Where else would you recommend people begin? Is there a conversation? Is there a technique? Is there an approach that you’d like them to consider? From me at pretty much, all of sex boils down to being able to talk about it. I just think the conversations that we have about sex are so important and so powerful, and it might sound simple, but. We have all been taught to be ashamed and embarrassed of sex, and for a lot of people just saying that word. Can feel very powerful so whenever I do sessions with clients whenever people take my courses that some of the feedback that I get most often is just being able to talk about this stuff. Out Loud was so powerful. have so I think yeah I really been getting more comfortable talking about sex. We also have a free guide on our website all about how to talk about sex. Even if you never have before, but even if it’s just starting on your own getting more comfortable, you know saying certain words and phrases, and if you’re in a relationship near starting to talk to your partner, and it doesn’t need. Be Anything crazier complicated. Maybe it’s as simple as as saying. Hey, listen to this really great podcast today which you wanNA listen to the episode with me or do you want to check out? This personality types quiz with me, I love I love that I love the giving of resources because people will say, how do I start the conversation I’m like well. How do you talk about anything you say I? I saw it on. TV or read it in a magazine. We don’t have to make. I love the old I found something really interesting on the Internet today. What do you think about? This is just such an such an easier way to open conversation exactly and it kind of gives you a moment to gauge partners reaction so? Thank you for that in. Yes, obviously, people have to talk about sex toy would say most folks who are listening already talk about sex. Can you leave us with one question or prompt? They could consider this evening with themselves. With their partner or partners. Who that’s such a good one. Yeah, I would well. Maybe we can kind of stick in in the realm of the sex personality types, and try to think about what is it that makes sex amazing for you, so the personality types can be a great jumping off point, but you can explore this in in so many different ways to it might be the what are the.

00:30:16 – 00:35:19

Logistics of what you guys do. What are the emotions of what you want to experience before during and after sex, what’s the kind of energetic exchange energetic state that you want to be? But if you had to so now thinking about you know if you had to describe to an alien, what it is that you’re looking to experience starting sex, or you really had to break it down for somebody who just doesn’t even know what sex is. How would you describe it so I think that? That can be such a fun way to push yourself to dig even more deeper into even more detail. Oh I love that. Thank you so much. Thanks for being with us. Really appreciate it, folks. You can find much more about Vanessa. Along with her courses and a number of free resources and guides at V M therapy dot com really appreciate your time. Yeah, thanks so much for having me. It’s such an honor to get to be on your podcast. Are Available I. Don’t think we can go without. Talking about what sex means to US what makes sex amazing for you. Describe it to alien. Are Like I was just laughing to myself thinking about describing so. The actual process. It’s like you’re going to tickle this flap of skin it going to grow. It had sex. I’M GONNA PUT Flat Skin Doesn’t alien get a liquid? This I’ve got this. Dangling bit of skin. You’re going to tickle me is going to go out. I’m to hop on top of this person in GonNa put it in your GonNa flip. Around a whole bunch. Hang on. You’re talking way too. Dirty I’m getting excited like that my skin. Around on you. And then I’ll make some weird noises and then noise sound like I. Think we’ll leave that for another episode. well, it was hilarious. I like that so if we take it more seriously what does make sex amazing few? I love the decompression element that we talked about I. Don’t think. I felt that way before. That’s how I want to feel when we’re done. During sex I WANNA feel obviously I mean. Who doesn’t want to feel like desire to, but I mean that’s what I’m looking to feel during and then before much same. That’s kind of what comes to mind initially about what I WANNA feel and I’m going to save everyone here from the descriptions of what the actual act is going to look like you already said it flopping around on. I mean that too I. Mean I explained it? Any flopping around I’m good, good, yeah! I, what makes sex amazing for me? So before it’s the excitement of what it’s, GonNa feel like. And I’d to feel desired and during its, it’s definitely the escape. It’s the you know like not worrying about anything else. That has been on my mind. Just really I like being in the moment, and it’s not always easy, but that’s GonNa say I think you do a great job of escaping and really focusing on what you feel. You mean at the at the detriment of what you feel. No not at all, I mean A. We described how I see myself sexual personality and I do think that the the Guardian give her and the decompress her. I, mean I take pleasure in, and if I were to dive even deeper into what is it about being a giver? That really does it for me. I mean there isn’t egotistical part to that. there is certainly an altruistic part to that as well that I genuinely do enjoy Do you struggle if I don’t have an orgasm? Though struggle, but does it make you feel unfulfilled It’s. Yeah I’m sure part of it. Does I want I? Really do genuinely enjoy when I see that you’re enjoying it and I’m just saying that to. My Ego or anything like that like I am aroused by seeing. You aroused so for me that definitely does it for me and when I know that it’s not working honestly I. WanNa try harder or in a different way or do something differently. Depending on what you’re responding to so that you do enjoy it, does that take you out of the moment at all, or you’re totally good with that like it’s something you just really enjoy. I really enjoy that I have a hard time losing myself in the moment. We’ve talked about this before. Given the you know the start living arrangement, sometimes, I have a really hard time. just focusing in on the moment so for me. I have to work on it and what I like about all these different. Options that you can. I can see myself in different environments, really enjoying different aspects of what each one offers, and I appreciate the before during after perspective that something I often ask when we’re talking about core Roddick feeling because before I wanna feel desired during a feel in the moment in my body and I want to feel good.

00:35:20 – 00:38:35

And and then after I, WanNa feel I feel I don’t know if I wanNA feel, but I feel close and connected, and I love that feeling like you notice I like you more after sex right? True. That’s. Definitely a different person sometimes. I wouldn’t say that, but you know the before during after for me, it’s I wanNA. Be Excited I. Want to be desired and then after I. Don’t know that I necessarily want the connection. I mean I enjoy the connection. I just enjoy feeling decompressed after I feel like you WanNa. Feel Asleep well or Not even that I. WanNa feel asleep. Just I don’t feel the need to necessarily. kind of relish the moment after I enjoy the release element and you done I’m done less of an afterglow for you. Would you say and I? Don’t have the after Golden? Sometimes I just want you to stay in bad or hold me or one and not let go of me, but that’s not you. That’s not I mean you’ll do it if I ask but also going through this exercise right now. Identifies a lot of what it is you’re looking for, and it will hopefully when I think about what you’ve just said, make things easier or better for me the next time. We are going to have sex I. Know what you want. And I commented on. You know the guest in August, yes, it’s next on the calendar for August you talk about prioritizing right now and in the midst of. That’s been going on. Globally even and then on top of all of that the pandemic like like there. It’s been hard at times to make sex. Something that you. To really enjoy it to its full capacity when you’ve got a lot of other things on your mind and prioritizing sex sometimes means for me. You know having sex forcing myself and I shouldn’t use the word forcing, but encouraging myself to get into the mood when I may not. My knee-jerk reaction is not to do it. Yeah, and then we talk about that often that. That desire is not necessarily spontaneous. It is something the you have to cultivate and know. The research says that the DSM five diagnosis of desire and arousal disorders has been combined for women, and hopefully will be combined for men, or maybe we’ll just move away from the binary altogether, which would be lovely to so yeah I appreciate the discussion babe. Thanks for chatting with me. and. I want to say thanks to our sponsor. Let’s get checked. Be sure to check them out especially. If you are sexually active, they offer a range of sexual health tests from committee gonorrhea to HIV syphilis and then they have spe- specific tests for women in terms of hormones and men, as well as well as overall wellness kits. Contest your vitamin thyroid’s full late liver. All of those things they mail you the kit you give them. Them a sample. You Mail it back in prepaid package, and then you get your results confidentially online, so that’s let’s get checked. Dot Com and please use code Doctor Jess at checkout for discount also so that they know that you’ve been listening to the sex with Dr Jazz podcast and please if you. If you’re a new person listening, please subscribe feel free to share with your friends. Appreciate your time today and thanks for chatting with me Babe. We back next Friday with a whole new episode. You’re listening to the sex with Jesse PODCAST. Improve your sex life. Improve Your Life.