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Sex with Dr. Jess


April 10, 2020

Top Tips for Digital Dating

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Dating coach and matchmaker, Carmelia Ray joins Jess and Brandon to discuss:

  • What holds most people back from finding a great match
  • How dating has changed since we’ve been instructed to shelter in place
  • Virtual speed dating
  • How to ease into digital dating whether you’re a new couple or living long-distance
  • How to manage the awkwardness of digital dates

As mentioned on the podcast, check out Carmelia’s online dating programs on Follow Carmelia on Instagram, Facebook & Twitter.

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

Top Tips for Digital Dating

00:00:05 – 00:05:09

You’re listening to the sacs with Dr Jess podcast sacks and relationship advice you can use tonight Welcome to the sex doctor just podcast. I’m your co host Brandon. Where here with my lovely other? Half Dr Jess how you doing. I’m awesome and even better today. Although she’s not in studio. We have celebrity matchmaker car. Melia Ray Cornelia is a matchmaker matchmaker to me. The language. Almost sounds like an anachronism in the digital age. But I know that I’ve sent clients to you and they’ve been really thrilled with the results so please tell us what you do with your clients. What is your process? Because I don’t think many of us really know what a matchmaker does. Well I if you break down the word I make matches so I in Layman’s terms I would make would facilitate introductions between two single people and I mainly work with single professionals. Those at are at a point in their life where they know. They want to take it to the next step. They’re single. They’re ready and they’d like to find a life partner and how I do that is through an interview process. Getting clear on what they’re looking for and then obviously doing what I need to do to introduce them to someone who may already be in my database or like any other matchmaker Through my knees of creativity and networking I will Find that person for them. So they’re not having to rely on Swiping for a match there literally depending on me as a matchmaker to make an introduction. It’s so interesting because people complain about how awful it is to date online and how tiring it is and what a waste of time it has been disappointed has been and I would think that working with the matchmaker is the antithesis of dating online. Yes and you know I would say that to some degree however there is a not. I want to say compatibility but in terms of the introduction process. We certainly helped to fine tune that and do the work upfront to find a match but yet when people meet in sometimes eats all the things on their list. They don’t line up when they meet in person. So you can have everybody on that list but for some reason there. That piece of the puzzle just isn’t fitting properly so I don’t want to give up your listeners. The false impression that hire a matchmaker is the answer and you will absolutely find someone because we are obviously still dealing with with human beings. He frustration along the way right if somebody when somebody doesn’t need someone in their expectations are high. And they’re not met that in itself can be very disheartening so there. Are you know bumps in the road even working with a matchmaker? It’s it’s how you your attitude towards it as well as your expectations and including my delivery of the service. All of those things play a role in the experience. Someone’s going to have. I was actually going to ask about those grandiose expectations. Is that something that you see often more so from or women and but but when they come and they say this is my list and I want all of these things and I want these are do you. How do you manage that? Because it’s got to be difficult to set somebody’s expectations were you’ll say that’s just not attainable. And then still of course maintain the business relationship. I am so glad that you asked. I’m so happy that you ask. Thanks friend really a part of a matchmaker. I’m both a matchmaker and a dating coach. So some peop- some metrics are only matchmakers. I happen to do both so the thing is when someone comes to me with this enormous list and I don’t come from a place of judgment I just look at it. From what is the feasibility? And how likely am I going to meet their expectations based on who they are and what they’re looking for so certainly if I feel there’s a difficulty or there’s something to look at for example most women want a tall man or I won’t say most people but let’s say someone who’s five foot one says I have strict criteria? I only wanted to demand sixty plus so we were talking about that and talk about what what opportunities. She’s losing out on because she’s got the strict criteria over height as an example is that common or people specifying height or hair-color. Oh Andrea percent. I feel as if when people come to me. Sometimes they think I have this magic machine and I mold people to what they want. And there’s this you know the designed fit. That only works for them. So of course. My job as a matchmaker is to Reveal and showcase wear their preferences are getting in the way of happiness and of course. We’re some of their preferences and their desires or must have don’t really matter at the end of the day for long term relationship. Yeah you know you’re a neutral party and I think you’d be much better at breaking down and you know lifting a mirror up to our faces and saying hey look in the mirror.

00:05:10 – 00:10:11

Are you being realistic? I I don’t mean that nothing to do with the visual. Brennan the hey come on. That’s not what I meant. I meant I meant a metaphorical mirror and say you’re complaining about the dating scene but you’re holding yourself back. Do you really want to do this? And I think that a neutral party professional might be more effective at getting through to me then a close friend or family member and I gotTa tell you may because I’m not a visual person. I cannot even fathom only being attracted to a person of a certain. I don’t know if it’s because I’m more fluid in my attraction as well you know whether it’s men or women or other genders but I can’t imagine saying. Oh I need them to be this taller. This hair-color this. I think what what Blockages people have or ideals or traits that the emphasized for example I I work with clients that say they only want to meet a person based on occupational type. I have people that say they only want to meet based on cultural type. I mean there are so many different things. In in some people narrow down to Zodiac sign or eye color like they truly believe that their happiness is dependent on these factors. Now of course you attach science and research and and you know intelligence to match make like I do. I know that you do when you coach your clients. You’re not giving advice from a place of just you know false hopes. We’re we’re actually using data proven you know stats that. Say what matters and long-term relationship are these five things are these preferences so we look at those and use that as the foundations for creating matches and I also share that with clients so that they understand that made me what they were looking for. Isn’t really what they need now. Okay everything has changed so much over the last few weeks we are in either quarantine or self-isolation or what’s the other term Schuessel Distance Shelf sheltering in place? So how have you had to change your approach? Now that people are only dating online. Well I mean this. Is it interesting because thankfully I am a matchmaker that has also that also incorporates a digital strategy to my clients so had already been helping clients support their search you by the use of a combination of online matchmaking and offline matchmaking and when? I talk about online matchmaking. I really referring to anything that is digital. So whether that is now converting physical dates literally turning into zoom meetings is turning into a Google hangout. This fun social APP called House Party. Whatever I can get my hands. On to connect people virtually is literally how. I’m shifting my business. That also is that takes the same place for now recruiting clients. I can no longer meet with clients in person in not remember canceling a couple of appointments that were required me to physically meet up and yet they were not comfortable at that time to do a zoom call. And you know it’s interesting because there are a lot of people that are still adjusting to this technology. Be a being in front of video. There’s a lot of insecurity around being in front of a camera or or maybe the concern of having recorded these are concerns. That people have. They don’t want their their themselves recorded. We have screen recording so these additional. I guess I you know concerns that you’ve not had when you’re out in publicly you don’t think you’re on a real date. Is there a camera in my face now? There is a camera in your face so these are the things that we have to consider. And then you’re inside your home a lot of times. People don’t want to see what their background looks like. Thankfully would zoom you can create a virtual backgrounds. And you can’t really see the background and for singles with parents with kids or elderly folks or or living with roommates situations. There’s a concern of privacy so I am working with singles to try to figure out real solutions for their specific issue And try to work around. What can be a successful You know set up for home. When’s a good time to date? How do you enter the conversation when you’re not comfortable because you can also do video audio calls if you’re not comfortable with video and you may have rules and and agreements before you get on video so that you establish a sense of comfort right that that makes sense and you are doing? I was reading that. You’re doing online speed dating now. Listen yeah there’s something I can do online without leaving my house. This is my dream. I mean I’m not dating but if I can we bank online we pay our bills online. We do everything online. You know my goal when I’m in Toronto is to not leave my house. I just WanNa be in a health. Well mostly because I’ve been away so much now. I guess I’m I’m going to get pretty used to this house pursues. This is all my fault. This is all my fault online speed dating while I partnered with an APP called First Date Dot Co and act if you go to my facebook Carmella or or instagram or anywhere that you can Find me I am now planning a virtual speed dating events.

00:10:11 – 00:15:03

I’ve already hosted two events. We have an upcoming a fitness Event or horse race speed dating event for fitness professionals. Because there are a lot of of fitness gyms that are closed. And so they’re not even you know I’m seeing all kinds of virtual workout so we are planning virtual speed dates where a single can date from their home comfortably. An every three minutes they rotate with a new single. So it’s now virtual speed dating and it’s really gamified of had the experience and feedback from a lot of the singles that it was Super Fun. They felt really safe. And it was exciting. You know after three minutes boom you rotate and some of them said Oh my God. It flies by so so quickly. So that’s one thing and then I’m also hosting a lot of quarantine mixer parties I have a love couch. A seminar loved couch singles. Quarantine Party every Tuesdays. Tonight I am having one from seven PM eight PM Eastern and afford a five. Psc So California time And what we do. Is we get together as a group when we talk about what’s going on in our lives and obviously try to share an answer questions about dating during this time and more importantly connect other so we can all share in the inspiring stories and get our minds off of the negativity. That’s going on. I really like the idea of the online speed dating. It actually sounds to me and maybe not everybody agrees but it sounds a lot less intimidating than sitting and having a single date for twenty minutes thirty minutes forty minutes with somebody new. Because I know that it’s only three minutes so if I know it’s not a fed or if I’m not in the mood or if it just feels like we’re bumbling through it. I know that you are going to move me onto someone else so you know what what’s really great. Is that this. This platform does not have to be For just single. So if you and brandon like literally want to host a couples speed dating or or networking. It’s literally a tool to neck. P to connect people from all over the world with shared interest or common interest to get together and have fun in our last speed dating event. We had people from California from different parts of the world all sharing their stories in different time zones so it was Super Fun something that we can probably host for you if you WanNa do that for couples that’s so cool date dot Co yes first. Date Dot Com. Oh I date dot co first aid dot co yeah. That’s really cool. Yeah does area Do you providing the speed into provide a framework of questions for people to ask and more importantly what if people have make a connection? Can they branch off? A how’d right at the end of the event? A right at the as soon as you finish the date virtual date it will say. Do you WanNa date this person. Yes or no so. If you say yes at like literally at the end of the event it will show you who you matched with so in our last we still we have couples now. That are still dating from that. Virtual speed dating that matched like two weeks ago and now they’re having zoom dates so absolutely it’s you had the opportunity to connect instantly post the interview or the the when the event is over and it can show you how many people were interesting and it’s mutual set and even if it wasn’t you would have had a great experience three minutes with a new person and I’ve had nothing but positive feedback. I think that’s so cool. Three minutes is so little pressure and among random anyone planning afford twenty dating one and I didn’t mean I didn’t mean to bypass your question brandon but when we a have people Prepare FOR IT. We do send out an email because Leeann I who’s my loved coach assistant matchmaker. We do sand. Our A daters a list of questions. Some prep some ideas have prepare so we don’t just have them sign up and go good luck right really do support them beforehand and afterwards right. No that makes sense okay before we let you go. I love this. Everyone’s GonNa check out CAMELIA. Ray both dating coach and a celebrity matchmaker. I know you have your own television. Show mom versus matchmaker. And you have these these online programs on first date dot co sounds so cool so Brennan. I need to look into that. But what advice or insight would you leave people with? What are we doing wrong? That’s holding us back from finding a long term partner. What what is there? Is there one thing we can do differently? One attitude we can adjust one false belief. We should let go of. Oh my goodness we have. You want me to answer that in thirty seconds. That’s a great question. You know if I could give one way my wet magic wand I would really say for people to not be so attached to at a certain outcome or have it like have them be feel that the prisoner dating needs to look a certain way. Be a certain way Have certain traits when when people People are largely carrying their past with them.

00:15:03 – 00:20:05

So when you can approach a dating situation brand new each and every time with that positive attitude and honor that this is a human being in front of you. People can especially right now. Emotions are high. People are upset. You say one wrong thing and and it’s over like you’re making up or it’s like you were the bad boyfriend from from my bad marriage. My bad boyfriend. Everything is coming up right now for people so if you can enter any situation with that clean slate. I think that I think would be the biggest thing because the minute that we start to incorporate our ideals and our triggers and our expectations that ruins and a completely You know good situation and it breaks any possibility because you’re stuck in what in how you want things to look like so just be a little loose about it. You know have fun and always look how you can benefit the other person when you take the emphasis off yourself and your needs being met and be in front of one saying how can I serve this person. What can I do say that will put a smile on their day. That’s a game that you WANNA play each and every time I love that what it. What a great focus. Whether you’re dating or in a long term relationship Cornelia Ray thank you so much for joining us. We really appreciate it folks. Make sure you check out. Car meals work as well as these upto upcoming online events because they do sound like fun thank you. I’ll see you on an event. I hope yes. I really appreciate that approach of looking outwardly. And thinking about how you know how. You’re supporting this person. As opposed to what you can get out of date. I think you look so much more attractive to somebody else when you’re doing something for them. The focus is on. You know if if you do something for me I look at you more favorably fast and then I also want to reciprocate that and do the same for you. That’s what I find great point so you’re helping to bring out the best in them as well. You’re giving them the opportunity to be their best solves because as you said they’re they’re gonNA WANNA reciprocate so this is really cool as I said. I’ve never used a matchmaker so I think this is a really interesting area to explore and I just wanted to share five quick tips for on their online dating digital dating during this isolation period so first and foremost I just want to offer a reminder that if it’s your first date choose an interaction or approach that feels the least intimidating. You don’t want necessarily have to commit to an hour or two or making a meal together on video chat if you’ve never met before so instead thinking but think about for example a phone call or joining an online event together so I really like this. So local bars are now hosting trivia nights online brands or hosting educational webinars on everything from food wine to fitness to dungeons and dragons. Whatever your interest is. Can you join an online event together? And then you’ll have something to talk about leader so by joining a group event. You’ll get a chance to chime in sometimes and show your personality without feeling the pressure of their is being solely on you. It’s sort of a shoulder to shoulder versus a face to face interaction. So please if you are feeling intimidating intimidated pick and interaction. That feels low pressure to you. And if you go on a date and that date feels awkward. Don’t write it off because awkwardness is a part of the chemistry. That you experience in the beginning and it actually you know. Of course that awkwardness can become amplified by technology because of the delays and choppy connections. But when you feel nervous or unsure it actually heightens your attention and it can heighten attraction. It’s part of what makes new love new relationship so exciting and passionate and you don’t actually want to eradicate nerves. It’s good to have a bit of awkwardness but if you do want to reduce the tension I was thinking about some stuff that I’ve done backstage before I get on a stage if I’m feeling nervous. Just doing ten jumping Jacks or seven deep breaths or watching funny clip like a funny short youtube clips to ease my nerves and then I was also thinking that one of the challenges in dating is that we are analyzing dates instead of experiencing them so rather than thinking about. Is this person fit. Do I like the way? They look is their chemistry instead. Just pay attention to what you’re feeling in your body tune into the sound of their voice. Don’t think about what’s working or not working. Don’t assess compatibility just enjoy the company and the conversation and be more present and of course you can crack jokes to to loosen things up and I was also thinking about folks who are already dating so if you’re already dating and you’re separated. You might not feel as intimidated to have different types of dates. So be really creative with those dates mixed them up. So that you have Solo. Not Solo duo partner dates but also group dates because you are. GonNa Learn so much more about your partner and see them from totally different perspectives.

00:20:05 – 00:21:55

If you watch the way and really enjoy the way they’re interacting with your friends and we know the way your friends family and loved ones feel about your partner affects the outcome of your relationship for better or for worse so you WANNA create opportunities to cultivate connection and allow your friends and family and loved ones to get to know your partner. Those all sound great to me I mean. I’m glad that you’re digging the Awkward Jam. Did I make you feel awkward? When we first got here it was it the UNITARDS. It was wearing his super awkward when we have well. It’s funny because we knew each other a little bit so I think it’s probably more challenging for people who are just meeting online just swiping right on one another and then having get together you and I had worked together for for months when we finally hooked up. You’re also like the idea of tuning into other elements like I. I was thinking about just listening to somebody speak if I just listened to your voice. Can I actually think about who you are with focusing in on how you look because we are do find that you know we care very much about how people look but listening to somebody speak and just focusing in on? That would be a really interesting way to get to know somebody before you ever saw them. Because it would force you to focus on you know the important things about them values you know beliefs whether funnier not I mean. Listen you fell in love with me because I’m hilarious because you’ve repeated my jokes outer. That’s my jam awkward and allow jokes but those things. I thought were really interesting takeaways. You just said. Yeah so yes so. I also WanNa just emphasize that you don’t have to feel pressure to escalate to any type of phone video sacks so if you do wanna be sexual online you don’t have to go all the way per se. Meaning you don’t have to like mutually masturbate on video with.