Like Sex with Dr. Jess on FacebookFollow Sex with Dr. Jess on InstagramFollow Sex with Dr. Jess on TwitterSubscribe to Sex with Dr. Jess's channel on YouTubeSubscribe to Sex with Dr. Jess's RSS feed
Sex with Dr. Jess


April 24, 2020

A Conversation for Lovers

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Jess & Brandon try one of the “Lovers Inquiries” from her new book, The Ultimate Guide to Seduction and Foreplay co-authored by Marla Renee Stewart. They discuss ways to eroticize daily interactions within the context of a busy lifestyle and work through the prompts in the “Why do I love you again?” activity. Have a listen and try it out yourself using these prompts to guide you:

  1. What was the first thing you noticed about your lover?
  2. What first attracted you to your lover?
  3. On your first date, what excited you most?
  4. On your first date, what made you nervous?
  5. Do you remember the first time you kissed? What was it like?
  6. Do you remember the first time you had sex? What was it like?
  7. What is one awkward intimate moment you wouldn’t want to relive, but are able to laugh about now?
  8. Can you remember the wildest/hottest sex you ever had? What made it so memorable?
  9. How has your partner changed for the better since you first met?

And if you’re in the market for a new toy for your bedside drawer, use code DRJESS at and to save a few $.

To learn more about Erosscia, the adult toy that was mentioned during this podcast, click here.





If you’ve got questions or topic suggestions for the podcast, submit them here. As well, you can now record your messages for us! Please record your message/question in a quiet room and use your phone’s headphones with a built-in mic if possible.

And be sure to subscribe on Apple PodcastsSpotifyPodbeanGoogle Podcasts, Amazon MusicStitcher!

Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

A Conversation for Lovers

00:00:05 – 00:05:05

You’re listening to the sacs with Dr Jasser podcast sacks and relationship advice you can use tonight Welcome to the sex with Dr. Just podcast I’m your co host Brandon. Where here with my lovely other half Dr Jess? How’s it going? I’m good. How are you? I’m hanging in there? I have good days bad days these days. I feel like I have good hours. Sobat hours. Yeah I think that’s the way it goes during this whole lockdown or semi lockdown pandemic. Yeah it’s It’s interesting because you can hear in people’s voices that were just more emotionally exhausted. Yea I feel that way for sure and I think the people that I work with feel the same way too and sometimes unwilling to admit to how they’re feeling like people that are generally very positive. It’s hard to get on the phone with somebody. How are you doing? Oh I’m great and for it to sound real. Yeah I think that’s a struggle for me because I’m like always up always is always positive. Always happy every day. I wake up and I’m like oh I love life and I don’t mean to be that way but these days I’m waking up and I’m like I don’t really want to engage engage today as I walk up the stairs with your coffee. I know that is what is keeping me keeping me happy. Yeah so again. We talked about this before. There’s this feeling of being really conflicted where we know how lucky we are. But we’re still super frustrated and you and I were chatting about where we’d want to travel when this is all over and and again that’s just like such a massive privilege to even get to think about that but I was saying to you. There’s no where I WANNA go specifically. I JUST WANNA work. I WanNa go where I was supposed to go to work and in May I was so lucky that I was going all over Europe in in Romania in Portugal and Spain and elsewhere and so those are all canceled and I get it of course not you know not a victim in this but I just want to work again. I just wanted to do what I normally do. And it’s weird to do it over zoom. Yeah it it. It is weird and what you just said. I totally agree with and I really. This is highlighted. How much I loved my life. The way that it was despite all the ups and downs that I experienced every single day before this pandemic kicked in I realized that I just loved my life and I want nothing more as does everybody else for life to get back to normal. I always knew I love my life literally set it every day I would wake up and be like damn life is good so we will get back to it. This is of course temporary. It will be a new normal and it’s interesting because we’re seeing. All the companies and brands are as shape pivoting but changing the way they work and I think some of the positives that are gonNA come out of. This is that we’re going to make more accommodations for a wider range of experiences in the workplace. So people who wanted to work from home because of a disability or because of chronic illness and they’ve been being told no no no no no now. We realized that we all can do it. We can be productive from home parents who you know. Maybe have young kids and could benefit from not commuting an hour in each direction every day. And that’s a conservative estimate. If you’re living in a city like Tronto or New York or Los Angeles or any of the bigger cities with lots of traffic now maybe they can work from home some days per week and I was thinking about your field and real estate and how commercial real estate. I can’t imagine it not being affected. That was a double negative. But I really think they’re going to be affected by this because fewer companies are going to necessarily require massive spaces. Because if you’ve got two people who share a desk and you know you trade off two days a week with one another and maybe share it one day you know in person or maybe it stays empty one day a week there. I was thinking about how they might require less square footage and I was also thinking about how lucky we are that we don’t have permanent office space. I know your brokerage has a couple of offices that are shared by. I remember when I first started in this field. I wanted nothing more than an office. I really wanted an office to like feel like I was a professional. And you know be a business lady and get the business lady special and so that you’re going for dinner at four o’clock business ladies special going for the seafood. All you can eat lunch sort of things. Dangerous Business Ladies can meet. Can we get the business lady specials from a movie Brandon unclearly missing it? But I’ll let you run with anytime. I I wear a blazer unlike business lady now but so I was thinking that you know I remember wanting to be legitimate legitimate By getting an office and then of course as I started traveling more realized I definitely didn’t need an office and I let go of even my co working space and we’re lucky that we’re able to keep going because we don’t have to cover that rent right now.

00:05:05 – 00:10:03

But I I digress and talking about the fact that businesses are changing. The other interesting thing is. We’re seeing the way they advertise and try and reach out to. Customers changed so one of the brands that I work with is womanizer. So womanizer is a high end. Sex Toy brand. They were founded by. I think a couple in Germany and I’m a huge fan of their product. Yeah I know that not. Everyone loves the name Bought this this is not a vibrator. It’s a really cool product that uses what they call pleasure air technology so what it is tiny little waves of air that. Come out of the head of this Toy So this contraption so imagine rolling your tongue into a tube like you know. Half of us can do that. Everyone is doing right now into. And if you can’t don’t worry so it kind of looks like that on the head and it fits over around the area of the head of the clitoris. So it’s not direct direct pressure unless you want it to be and they come with different sizes that go over the head and it’s designed for the top of the Clinton there but it can be used all the lips and it’s these little waves of air that create Kind of this overwhelming sucking sections in Asian. But it’s not section of some people say it sort of feels like being licked and kissed and sucked at the same time. So it’s really cool toy revolutionized the sex toy adult toy industry because so much we were seeing more of the same now. There are all these knock offs but womanizer is the you know. The technology that put the are in d into it and and develop this this new brand and anyhow they came out with a billboard the other day and of course it’s all across Canada. Interestingly I don’t know why it’s not in the states but these ads for womanizer are on these billboards and there’s a picture of one of the womanizer products they make a range of products. And it says stay home. I actually saw that on our friend. Kitties profile you did. She posted a photo of the billboard and I thought it was great. It was a bit of a double whammy encouraging everyone to stay home and also at the same time highlighting the product and. I’m sure what you could do to fill the time that you might spend at home. Exactly kitties actually in Montreal so hers they have versions in English that say stay home womanizer and then they have versions that say a custody shave view for that like you know. I actually do speak French but not that. Well let’s let’s stay shave so stay on your own stains stay home. Stay stay home anyhow. I WANNA bring up womanizer in their campaign because it’s getting a lot of traction also because there are brand I work with and if you are interested with again no pressure. We know that Some sex toy sales companies are reporting an increase in sales. But I don’t tell people you must use a toy but if you are interested in a new toy in something novel womanisers checking out It’s womanizer dot com. And if you use the Code Dr J. D. R. J. E. S. You get a small discount and I do get some credit for that so we’re pretty picky and we don’t have too many sponsors or too many ads or anything. I wanted to talk about this anyways but if you are shopping on womanizer dot com or on we vibe dot com use code doctor just and you can save a few dollars and I it also credits. My affiliate account on wondering can Those of us with a Penis. Use It on on our parts. Yes sounds pretty good. Yeah you’ve used it. I’ve used that lipstick one on your nipple before you it’s your left Nipple. Everyone just getting it out there is only sensitive nipple in the back of my elbow. I get super confused. Yeah so it’s that same one that I’ve used on your on your level and then I think we’ve used it on your parent neom as well. Then you see me turning red right now. Why is the left one? You’re talking about this. It’s not right ball. Is that what it is really? Well I always get it. Confused comes when I’m on in front of you. It’s my right hand on my left anyhow. Okay it’s all good so good all right so anyhow you can check out on womanizer dot com and you can Google ads. It’s on my on my facebook and Instagram as well. So what I want to talk about. Today is the fact that I wrote a new book. You did very exciting like say I’ve already read it and I thought it was fantastic for the first time you read my book yes even before I submitted the manuscript will that’s why I’m highlighting. It’d be because before you submit. I read it in its entirety and it was great and I’m not just saying that because I’m your partner. I thought it was really good. You know what it did. It caused me to pause into just reflect on what I do and what I do and it made me think. Oh would I do this or would I do that? It was kind of cool. So it’s called the ultimate guide to seduction and foreplay. And when I say I wrote it I should re state that we wrote it not Brandon my co author is the fabulous Marla Renee Steward.

00:10:03 – 00:15:06

And she runs sex down south. You probably heard me talk about her before. Really incredible sex educator in this field sexologist as well and so it’s called the ultimate guide to seduction and for play. You can get it at your local bookshop. You can get it at on Amazon and on the big guys as well but we obviously encourage you to support local if you can right now and I’m really proud of this book. I’m really happy with the content because it’s not really a how to it’s a theory. Theoretical exploration of sexuality and Seduction and also with a ton of actionable takeaways. So we look it the statutes of seduction real life fantasies of seduction from real people. Who wrote in to us? How your learning style affects your seduction styles. Who are you more of a visual auditory? Tactile Olfactory Augusta Tori seducer. And what what do you like? And how can you learn from your partner seduction style? How can you meet their needs? And how can you make sure that your needs are being met? We talk a lot about sexual communication verbal seduction emotional seduction. How to be more confident when it comes to sex and seduction how to explore your sexual values and then we of course talk about physical four play for the Volvo for the peanuts for the body we look at positions and perverted and props and toys and strategies for busy people. I love that I love pervert ables do you know what a predictable is isn’t it? I remember talking about this before where it’s an everyday item that you turn into a sexual item ignite think. Yeah anyway it’s I just I like the term per vertebral. Yeah and it’s it’s fun because yes you can absolutely invest in sex toys. And a big proponent of them because we love them and my clients love them but also there are everyday objects like emery. Boards can be used to create a specific sensation different little clips that you have in your office or around your house. A hairbrush a comb scarves. I mean some of the obvious ones for blindfold so we talk a little bit about portables out and I should actually mention that I got a really interesting pseudo pervert able in the mail this week. So by a brand named Rosa E. R. O. S. C. I a. and what it is is an extension that you attach to your electric toothbrush and it converts your Toothbrush Your Electric Toothbrush into this luxury vibrator seriously. That’s so we get so much mail In so many things in the mail that oftentimes things just come in and I. I don’t even notice because you’re examining them. So that’s what that was so now when I spend extra time in the bathroom night you’ll know that I have taken the adapter and of making good use of it exactly exactly. I just opened it up yesterday so I haven’t actually had a chance to try but I thought it was kind of an interesting product very cool and so just to go back to the book one area that we focus on is seduction for busy people and erotic sizing daily interactions and. This is a topic I talk about a lot because we you know so. Many of our clients struggled to make time for sex and seduction and it really is because of their busy lifestyle. So you like saks. You’re attracted to your partner. You have a you know a decent relationship you’ve invested in the foundation. But you just can’t seem to make sex happen and you want to figure out how to prioritize it when you’re busy with work and friends and family and health and stress right now and so a really important mindset. I believe is recognizing that you’re not a light switch you and your partner cannot go from you know talking about your kids or your taxes or whether your dog pooped earlier this morning to time right to all of a sudden tearing one under their clothes off and so it’s normal to sort of start to feel like roommates or co parents were business partners and not specifically interact as lovers right like not really stopping and being mindful when you brush up against one another when you pass in the hallway on not flirting or being playful or taking the time to have fun and laugh because life just get so busy not noticing them even physically and visually yet you know like I. I noticed When hug you I was phillies when I smell you cause I it just like the smell of US pre workout or post work for me. It’s pre-workout although somebody some people have written in saying that I’m too sensitive about smell and I am very sensitive so sensitive to smell to the point that when I’m playing sports if the person I’m covering stinks.

00:15:06 – 00:20:01

I’m done with not do well if you played like equipment sports like hockey or football or Lacrosse. Well even with football like I’m like if I enough to do the steamboat. Count and you stink. I’m standing much farther back than required. Speed up that steamboat. Count exactly like the smell of hockey equipment. I know you joke around. And you’re like what is wrong with you because it does not smell good equipment. That’s like ten years old. I like it but it’s nostalgic. It reminds me of playing I was younger. He reminds me good and when I was good so when we think about Iraq Iran Daily interactions. We’re not talking about You know making everything sexual you don’t have to. I was Joe that you know if I’m eating a banana. I don’t need you to make it into a sexual innuendo of like. Oh Yeah Jess you eat that banana you eat it so good. No for my phone out and stirred video. We used to have a friend. I can’t bring this up. Yes when she not. We used to have a friend. We’re still friends with her. We just don’t see her eat popsicles as often as we used to. But we used to hang out every Friday night and the way she ate her pups call made it awkward for everybody in the room. We’d be like Whoa. She’s GonNa town on that popsicle to be fair to this friend who we love. She wasn’t doing it on purpose. She just really liked her popsicles like down her throat. Deeply tickling with the tone the handout and started playing with the pseudo obstacle balls pleasant. Anything Sexual Damn yes. So we don’t we don’t want to turn everything into something sexual. We just want to make our daily interactions. Just a little bit more playful. Bring a little bit more levity and so today I wanNA talk about one specific Lovers inquiry that’s what we call it in the book that you can try with your partner to kind of bring yourself back to a very exciting time. But so just a brief summary of some of the topics we cover in this section of of Iraq sizing daily interactions number. One we talk about how you can specifically cut back on complaining. ’cause there’s nothing that kills a vibe like complaining And I know that we do have things to complain about right now but we still have strategies you can use to limit the way and the places in which you complain and we also talked about. How just simply changing your greetings and goodbyes? The way you say hello. Some very specific strategies can help to Iran is your connection and your daily interactions and find excitement and passion and pleasure in the mundane. We talked about ways to text playfully. And we talk about obviously sexting a little bit leaving love notes. I think that’s a great thing that we could all do right now to write a couple of love notes and hide them around the house for your partner and in the book. We have what we call seduction instructions. So these are things you can do right now and we’ll even give you the language You know if you’re going to write them a love note. Of course you can just write. I love you but you might write something like wherever I am today know that. I’m thinking of you lovingly and naughtily own I WanNa Lick you from head to toe are. I’ll be thinking of your soft lips today and every day when when you come home. I’m going to bend over and take care of you. Just how okay. That’s maybe not a love always took it from like loving caring to. Let’s get down because everybody has a different style. You’re hot and I can’t get you out of my head you might right. I can’t get enough of you in every way or you’re the most beautiful creature I’ve ever laid eyes on. I love that I get a piece of you for myself. You might just write that you wanna get naked with them. You might write that you love the way. They sound You know one thing I I love your voice like you’re just Your Voice. Comforts me so yeah. If you if you’re in the mood right now you can write down a couple of sweet or sexy or playful thoughts for your partner and hide them throughout the house and they find them when find them and so we’re just kind of going through some of the summary of what we cover in this era sizing daily interaction section of the book. We also talk about how to reset into two minutes. A day with physical intimacy We talk about a range of intimate conversations and we have the lovers inquiry. Which is the passion interview or The Passion Conversation the intimacy and vulnerability conversation? We’ve covered pieces of this on the podcast before we look at ways to take your compliments to the next level how to prioritize sex AND CREATE SPACES. That are working tech free. I think that’s really important right now. And there’s so many more I think I better just stop there and take you to this lovers inquiry which focuses on re reigniting the spark kind of going back to what you felt and what you thought in the beginning of the relationship and so. I thought that we could give this one a try right now.

00:20:01 – 00:25:07

This is the why do I love you again? Conversation and it’s of course. Journalists not rhetoric it’s a reminder right it’s a reminder not rhetoric so it’s it’s intended to be a bit of a trip down memory lane as a simple way to revisit and reignite the attraction and the excitement you experienced when you first met and even just retelling the story of how you met your partner can be a away to remember those in more exciting times. So we’re going to go through this lovers inquiry. We’re going to also post questions on our website and in the show notes. If if this is something you wanna try are usually suggest that you set aside twenty to thirty minutes with your partner and make sure. You’re eliminating all potential distractions so we know it’s really tough but this is a partner exercise. It’s not intended for the whole wide world of social media. Although we’re doing it here right now So we’re just encouraging you to take twenty to thirty minutes where you shut down your devices and you take some time to slow down and really engage. No that instagram twitter and facebook will survive without you. Somebody’s GonNa say something dumb. Don’t worry there will be. No I just mean in the media will be a story you can go back to and Yeah thirty minutes just with your partner. So we’re GONNA do kind of a shortened version of this because we do know that you don’t like to listen for hours and hours on end. I don’t WanNA listen to my voice for hours on end but the questions are all read them to you off the top and then we can go through a few of them in kind of a shortened version. So the lovers incre- why do I love you again You can either write down your answers in advance and kind of bring them to the table or you can just take turns answering these questions and the questions are what was the first thing you noticed about your lover. What first attracted you to your lover on your first date. What excited you most on your first date. What made you nervous. Do you remember the first time you kissed? And what was it like? Do you remember the first time you had sex? And what was it like? What is one awkward intimate moment? You wouldn’t wanNA relive but you’re able to laugh about it now can you remember the wildest or hottest sex you’ve ever had and what made it so memorable and finally how has your partner changed for the better since you first met so. I guess we’ll just start at the top babe. What was the first thing you notice to vote me? First thing I noticed about you was probably I? I know this is so generic but it was kind of everything like you were just so hot and I remember thinking. Wow you’re super hot and You know that’s deep. I know super deep. Well that’s me. You know Cindy but you were just so beautiful and you still are beautiful. I’m not saying here but then I just remember being kind of in awe of how attractive your because the truth is is that we work together. I was a bar back. This is almost twenty years ago. I was a bar back your by a bartender. I believed that there was some degree of hierarchy. Just because I had been told that I’d never worked in a nightclub before so I didn’t really think of approaching you to talk to you number one because I didn’t have any game and number two well again. You kind of with the people around you you fall into this kind of belief that I’m sorry. I bet at the time. It was kind of like what we don’t dip the bartender. Bartenders engage with. You engage with them so I was more just somewhat intimidated. I guess what an awful hierarchy I remember another bartender. We worked with calling you bar back yen not even bothering to get to know your name. There were only four arbox. I can name them all you. Steve Dwight and Randy there were only four of you and nineteen years later. I remember your names. I mean married one of you. I am just one. Yeah but I’m not an actually. Dwight lives around the corner. Now your front user friendly friend yeah. He’s a lot of things he’s fabulous very smart guy and Yeah I remember your names now. And she couldn’t bother to even get to know your names and so that reinforces that hierarchy. You know what I could go off on that but you know me better bring it back. So what was the first thing I noticed about you? It was your smile and the way you sneezed the way I what you sm- Is D- smart. I thought you’re going to say. It was my frosted tips except a couple of weeks. I’ve seen pictures of you with the frosted a great. Maybe we liked to hang out in hot tubs and get his pro. Tips frosted aversion to sleeves. But I remember you smile like your eyes lit up when you talked like you’re smiling with your eyes close wondering what was Oh.

00:25:07 – 00:30:05

I think it’s TYRA banks term. I don’t think the show is called top model or something something about models and she tells them to smile with Your Eyes. I I I don’t know but you do it naturally. Don’t think about it. Just keep doing what you do. I won’t okay. I’ll go first for the next one. So what first attracted me to you? Who was a hundred percent the way you looked into my eyes when you were talking to me you and you still are like this. I think that you’re like this with everyone when you are engaging with someone you’re not looking for the next thing or the next best thing. It really feels like you’re connecting and I actually love watching you do it with other people like I just love the way your engaged with your is interesting. Do you know that. I think I’ve heard you say four but I just tried to pay attention to people when they talk to me. It’s working out you try and pay attention or do you and make it look like you’re having mastered the art of making people think I’m listening all right. So what first attracted you to me very similar to the first question you were just so damn beautiful and and I think it was that coupled with how intelligent you were when you started talking it was kind of like oh my gosh. You’re so smart and how much you know. Those two things have went together to create. The whole person was really again in awe. Thinks okay on your first date. What excited you most? And maybe you can just put these ones together. What made you most excited? And then what made you nervous? Maybe most excited was the idea that I was with you. They lead the hell is going on. I’m really you can hear the inferiority complex coming out here however I think it was just this Excitement over being with you like I was just so into the idea of being with you that everything excited me like it didn’t matter what we did. It didn’t matter where we went. It was just I WANNA be with you. So everything was exciting. If you recall the first date that we went on was me watching you get your hair ungraded unbranded. So that took hours and hours in a random person’s studio apartment apartment and I just sat there. It took four or five hours. Yeah to to do that so I didn’t care what we were doing or where we were doing. I was just happy to be with you. Give some context so I had been in the Dominican Republic a few weeks before and this woman on the beach. I don’t WANNA say forced. But she pretty much forced me to have my hair braided and I you know. I don’t know I’m not good at saying no and especially back then. I wasn’t good at saying no so come home with these long braids in my hair Which I shouldn’t have and although it it was really nice because it made your hair really easy to manage But it was a little bit painful because she had breeded extensions into them and so and then taking them out took forever but yeah we were sitting in this woman’s apartment. I remember this woman had a small child and at one point you went out to go. Rollerblading with the Child. Why did you have your rollerblades? It probably because I I have no idea. Do you WanNa know what I remember? I remember you came back in and you’re like I didn’t bring socks. It’s a sweaty day. I should have brought solids back to the sense of smell. Okay so the second part is what made you nervous on our first date. Don’t remember being nervous. I I do remember the periods after the first date and the nervousness was more whether or not you were going to like connect with me again so I think it wasn’t nervous during that first data was the subsequent where there was a day or two in between when we saw each other and listen going back twenty years. I’ll be the first to admit I don’t think I had a cell phone so waiting for the phone to ring or pager. Did you page me? Hit me up. Page go you back from a payphone but I remember the nerves after the fact not knowing if this was going to continue honestly. It’s hard for me to remember. I know I was just really excited over you because you seemed like just the nicest funniest sweetest guy was very funny but but the truth is a lot of people seem like that when you first meet them and so that’s why. I think I don’t know a first date is just a first date. Wasn’t anything thrilling. I was excited because I was excited over you. But what’s so cool when I reflect upon it now is that you are that guy like that I know you so intimately and I still see the same way I like you more and more all the time.

00:30:05 – 00:35:00

It’s not just about love. I love is almost easy because it’s an attachment and it’s a form of security but I feel like I like you so much and more important than what made me excited then is right now. I just feel excited because everything I thought you would be when I was idealising. What I didn’t know about you which we all do when we’re first dating when you don’t know about someone your mind fills in the gaps to idealize them. Because you just want to be happy with this person you want them to be the person that’s a good fit for you but what’s exciting to me. Is that all those things. That were idealized notions. Are Real. You just yeah. You’re really funny or really sweet. You’re really kind and you’re just really really good to me and Yeah I. I don’t if that really answers. The question and I should probably know does an aside that you don’t have to stick to these questions or the script perfectly. They’re just kind of prompts to get you started and in the book. We have hundreds of prompts to start these conversations. So what made me nervous I think what made me nervous was that you just seemed. I don’t see too good to be true but you seemed so great that I was afraid that it wasn’t real like I was afraid that maybe you’re just a jerk underneath it all and I don’t know why I thought that. But it’s just you seemed kind of too good to be true so there’s a lot that I’m reflecting back on. Now that you mentioned all this number one I was just myself and I think because I was myself. I didn’t have to ever think about being something that I thought you wanted me to be. So you know that that was probably my saving not saving Greece but made things a lot easier because then when you get to know me it was like this is just who I am and I’m glad that you like me because I was never anything different and I think that there’s a lot of pressure right now for people to be everything I meet them. It’s like I’m great. I’m successful at work where I am and I’m physically active agree cook. I’m a great this this and that and it’s like are you because I’m still not very good not very good at a lot of those things but I’m willing to work at them. Which was the second thing I really feel. Lucky in this relationship because it does just continue to get better and better and better but that comes with so much work and without work though. Sometimes it’s so hard and I don’t want to do it and I and I say that I’d say that I don’t want to do it but what I mean is when I’m angry or upset or when I’m irritable. I don’t always want to dive into the reasons why I feel this way or really understand why I spoke to you. Why said something to you? That just didn’t rub you the right way as opposed you know and then if I take that five minutes two minutes or hour to really understand I get better and I get better as a human being which in turn makes our relationship better so it’s this willingness to invest into myself and into the relationship that just continues to make this better and again not without hiccups but I think kind of lucky though. It’s like we’ve never broken up. No we’ve had some doozy arguments. Yeah it’s been a long time the yen and I feel like I’m I’m learning and I’m still learning to get better at arguing and understanding how. I’m really feeling in the midst of an argument when I get flooded and I wanNA default back so yeah I mean I’m really sensitive lying you know me. I fly off the handle. I can be like really happy one moment and then get frustrated in the next but I think we’re digressing a little. We’ll go back to these questions. So do you remember the first time we kissed Do you in the car. I remember scored boom. Was it like probably amazing? If you don’t remember it was pretty much. The Best Kiss you’ve ever had I remember one particular kiss work. Where are I don’t know where the confidence came from? I grabbed you and pushed you up against the wall and I kissed you and who was that guy I want to know. You’re still capable of that even if it doesn’t come naturally that’s something. I really like about you as a partner but also like as a sexual partner. Is that if there’s something that I want even if it doesn’t feel natural you don’t make excuses you don’t say like oh. I feel silly or you’re just gonNA laugh or I feel uncomfortable. You just do it. And then the first second can sort of feel uncomfortable but then you get three seconds so. I don’t remember the first kiss but I remember that kiss. And that’s something that still sort of makes me feel something in my chest talking about it or thinking about it right now. All right I do remember. The next question is about the first time we had sex. I remember it.

00:35:01 – 00:40:01

I remember too because all you do remember it. I was going to say it was amazing. I was awesome. I remember I did all the work. So it really. Yeah Yeah you probably did. Actually I wasn’t bad. I was pretty good. Actually good my ability to recline the seat of my car. I actually do like talking about that and I ripped your pants. And you’re like these broussard university man. I didn’t exactly have a surplus of cash. My brother one pair of paying back and won t shirt and you had to wear it three nights in a row at work. Yeah I mean it was a different time. Do you still have that black? Mex- T shirt I do. I kept for sentimental reasons. Dad’s probably look at me borrowing closer everybody never give my brother wanting the cost of the clothes back plus some. Yeah anyway you have The teacher I still I kept it. Yeah do you ever wear do not okay? Maybe I’ll wear it. Maybe because I was where your t shirts around the house Yeah I remember the first time it was nice okay. Do you remember an awkward intimate moment? That you wouldn’t want to relive but you’re able to laugh about now I can go. I go nuts. Okay may have talked about this before so it was our first time at desire sorts and we were like messing around so desire resorts most of you probably know what it is by now but it’s a clothing. Optional couples only resort on the Mayan Rivera and their areas of the resort. Where you can’t have sex. So there is one There’s one area around the Jacuzzi where there are these four poster beds and they’re nice and clean and there’s always a plethora of clean sheets and towels and there are these sheer curtains. You can kind of close around them. But you don’t really have privacy If you want privacy of course you to your room. But there’s a little bit of Privacy. With these curtains. So we’re on the bed and these other two or three couples asked if they could join us and we said yes but we don’t want to touch anyone like we like you can be in. You can live next to us so now you can do what you’re doing next to us which is hot in and of itself and it was like our first experience like that but we weren’t with other people and I just remember getting boring and not feeling comfortable leaving and we were a lot younger. We were we were. I Dunno younger and maybe newer and Shire and didn’t know how to speak up but I remember after a certain period of time I was like. Can we go now? We’re Seinfeld episode. It’s like do you leave now. Do you have to wait for everyone to be ready to go like we were done? I remember that I’d forgotten about that. I think I mentioned that. One of the couples high five each other. There’s a there’s a mood amplifier. They high five each other. And we’re like going at it and they said something like let’s not. Let’s skip the gym in the morning. Sure so Brenda and I were just like. Oh but it was. It was funny. It was interesting. It was nice because they came up and asked us what we were. Okay with and they need space for us to say yes. You can come in this giant bed. But you can’t come near us like we don’t want any physical contact because I think they were messing around together right. Yeah I think so which is cool. It just wasn’t we were just not into it. I appreciated that. In retrospect thinking about the consent element that they highlighted at the time. Which really was that was a long time ago and it wasn’t something that was talked about but they came up and were open communicative and As a result I’m sure they had a great time. I buy the HI fives and We had a reasonable time and then we went. The truth is I didn’t enjoy it. No neither do we weren’t I didn’t i. Didn’t dislike him but it just wasn’t and so it’s something we can reflect upon and laugh about and it certainly led to conversations and that what was. That’s what’s so cool about an experience that maybe isn’t a ten even experience that could potentially lead to tension in your relationship. I don’t think it did in that circumstance but we’ve had others that have But even if an interaction or a sexual engagement doesn’t go well it doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing especially if it opens up these conversations to talk about you know what you’re feeling and what you fear and dig a little deeper so we’re going to wrap this up Can you remember the H-? What’s the hottest sex we’ve ever had? I don’t know if I remember the hottest sex but remember some of the riskiest I shall. We brought this is not something. I’m super proud of but I can’t I I mean we’ve just I feel very privileged to have had a number of very hot Intimate encounters with you. Well the craziest one that you’re the riskiest one.

00:40:01 – 00:45:01

We both agree on was sex on the highway. Two for anyone to do very young and dumb. That was stupid. Shit was me not you buy was a participant in the in the action. That was the riskiest and wouldn’t ever recommend do. The hottest is like. I have a very short term memory for some of these things so then let me tell you what it was all you all me and if you remember that it was the first time actually that we know so we can just maybe reflect on that a little bit more and then let. Let’s close off the last question in this exercise and I would encourage people to maybe take a little bit more time than we’re taking Just because you can you can make the time. But we don’t want to. Have you stuck here listening to US too long? So how has your partner changed for the better since I met while? You’ve changed in so many ways. I feel that you are more vocal about what you’re passionate about And I like that because it challenges me to consider where a challenges me to consider your perspective and my own perspective and you’ve also become You’ve demonstrated how you WANNA give others space to shine to be heard to all of these things. So I’ve taken a piece of that and tried to incorporated into what I do. So that’s just one example of one thing that I’ve watched you do over the years to become an even better version of who you are. And when you say a more vocal I think you’re probably talking about Issues that I care about or affected by where people I love are affected by it race politics. Yeah all of these privilege. It’s interesting because when I was younger I always experienced things like I knew that something didn’t sit well with me like if it was around race or racism toward me or white privilege or entitlement and grew up around a lot of that a new. I never fit like I knew that it didn’t work for me. I knew it was uneasy subconsciously. I knew it wasn’t cool or wasn’t fair. But I never had the language to articulate that like I do remember You know growing up around a lot of entitlement and not feeling that entitlement. But I didn’t even kind of know that word I remember thinking. Oh these people are really snobby. That’s the word I use snobby but it wasn’t really the word and it was a struggle for me. ’cause I never fit in like I never really knew where I belong to And I’m still sort of you know I was feel like I straddle fences where like I think as a mixed race person. That’s a pretty common experience to like. Maybe I don’t fit in with the white people but it don’t fully not fully embraced by you know the safe. For instance I’m mixed also I’m Chinese Jamaican. So it’s a blend of cultures and and reconciling all. That is tough. And so I have become more vocal about that. And yeah more vocal about Other people’s rights because I do have more privileged than I’ve ever had. You’re becoming more vocal and expressing. How you feel with me has me has forced me to consider a number of things that. I don’t think I otherwise would have considered as quickly as I have. So that has really changed. I’ve seen it change you and because it’s changed you and I see it in a positive in such a positive light that it’s also encouraged me to change. How I think can feel act. Yeah and I noticed that you’re you’re more willing to speak up and engage in conflict or upset people. If it’s upsetting for you call to someone out a out the other day online Someone who is part of our Social Circle For being for for his wife fragility and you said something you know about that privilege. As he was sort of re he was telling me online how privileged I am which of course I do not deny and I really try and talk about how much privilege. I haven’t also trion redistribute some of that privilege and I don’t have to get into the ways that I try and do that but that’s something that I’m actively working always working on But I don’t think you would have fifteen years ago called that person out because you wouldn’t have wanted the conflict and also I think we didn’t have the language many of us to do so so that’s one way of senior change and then the other way and the way that I that comes to mind first for me as you’re just more confident like you’re just you’re you know I hear you talk about how like Oh. I didn’t WanNA TALK TO HER. Because she was a bartender. And I think now you’re the type of you’re in a position where you can tell people like tear down those higher keys folk that oh I never swear angry. I always wear but I never swear here. I never swore when I’m working really but yet screw that like tear that down.

00:45:01 – 00:47:22

You are better than that. You’re more worthy than that and I think that your confidence is really contagious. So that’s something I’ve I’ve I love to watch and I don’t WanNa sound like patronizing or like apparent like oh I’m so proud of your growth but I just I love seeing you be more confident so funny to hear you say that I. I’m confident because I still don’t feel confident. I certainly feel more confident. I feel like I’m just scraping the surface of a lot of those things confidence understanding my own privilege. You know being willing to speak up more often because I just don’t feel like I even know enough to really dive as deep as I should add so I wish we could keep chatting about this. I gotTa Tell You I this morning when we started started. This is in a mood. feeling frustrated but. I always feel good when I talked to you. I feel like it’s nice that we get to sit and kind of look one another in the eye for these conversations but I feel a lot calmer now than I did forty minutes ago. I’ve said that to you where I is as difficult as it is to sometimes get into the groove of having these conversations once we do I always feel better and it goes back to what I was saying earlier about invest. Even when you don’t want to because it from my experience has always resulted in something. Almost always positive. Yeah and we’ll keep the conversation going offline so to speak so we encourage you to check out this. Why do I love you again? Activity you can use it anywhere you want. There’s no perfect way These questions you can even take to a therapist and have them help help facilitate. I don’t think you really necessarily need that. But some people find it useful to us that therapist our because counselor because it’s booked and you’re focused on your phone off Otherwise they really encourage you to CHECK OUT OUR OUR NEW BOOK. Marla and Marlon the podcastone. We just weren’t able to coordinate it today. But check out the ultimate guide to seduction and foreplay by me at Jessica Riley and Marla Rene Stuart and so thanks for doing this babe. Thank you to you for listening wherever you’re at hope you’re having a good one thousand you’re listening to the sex with Dr Jazz podcast. Improve your sex life improve your life.