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Sex with Dr. Jess


March 6, 2020

Core Erotic Feeling, Gang-Bangs & Spankings

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Award winning sex educator, Tristan Taormino, joins Jess to talk about spanking, gang bangs, eye candy, social justice and mind-effing.

Why you might want to attend Sex Down South this year…

  • How to reclaim the gang bang
  • The role of the gang bang “host”
  • How to discuss rules and boundaries before a group sex experience
  • Spanking rules and tools
  • The importance of understanding your core erotic feeling
  • The benefits of uncovering your elevated erotic feelings
  • The role of a service top
  • The appeal of the mind eff

If you purchase tickets to Sex Down South, use code SEXWITHDRJESS for 20% off!

Follow Tristan on Instagram, Twitter & Facebook. Have a listen and check out Tristan’s podcast, Sex Out Loud.

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

Core Erotic Feeling, Gang-Bangs & Spankings

00:00:05 – 00:05:04

You’re listening to the sacs with Dr Jess podcast sacks and relationship advice you can use tonight. Hey Jessica Riley here and today. I am joined by Tristen Tear Amino an award-winning sex. Educator media maker Speaker. She’s the author of eight books editor and Co editor of twenty five anthologies and the host of your own podcast. Sex Out loud sex out loud. What do you talk about on sex out loud? You know the show evolved? It’s interesting because there’s so many sex podcasts right. Sometimes it feels like we’re circulating all the Same guests so I think this is my. I’M GONNA go on my eighth year. This my eighth year doing it and I think the focus has become more about gender and sexuality we talk a lot about social justice marginalized communities I like to really mix in voices of you know get like a heavy hitter Janet mock and then have some one that no one’s heard of you know someone who doesn’t have access to the mainstream media who’s doing work kind of on the margins and doing really incredible work so I like to. I like to mix it up between both and then we do questions. Not Every single episode. Do we do questions but people right? Obviously people right to me nonstop with advice questions and they call in. It’s interesting because people often don’t think about sexuality and social justice but even within our field you can see that there are literally thousands of brilliant folks doing really really genius work In terms of therapy of education in terms of reproductive rights. And they just don’t have their voices heard because people meet me and they’re like oh my gosh you know you the new Dr Ruth or in Canada the sue. You’re the only one doing it and I have to tell them. You know what there are thousands of people who don’t have the privilege of having this platform right right and we still thinker like suffering a little bit from being whitewashed and the people who have the most platforms and are talking the most and have the Mike most tend to be white and I feel like a group of people called that out several years ago and I took that call and criticism really seriously and feel like as a white person. It’s important for me to acknowledge my white privilege and the privilege. I have in the industry the Privilege. I get with speaking gigs and to really try to push back against you know a panel where they invite me and it’s all white people or a conference where they invite me and it’s all white speakers so That’s become more of a focus of my work in the past three years. It just sort of moved there but definitely with a push from incredible sex educators of color. Who you know who publicly said we’ve got to address this and there’s a a space that you’ve worked in several times and I have to called sex down South In the best event All Year for me. It’s the best event all year. I’ve said the same thing if folks are interested whether you’re in the industry or you’re considering working in the industry or you’re just an not just urine enthusiast. Yeah there’s plenty of enthusiasts. He sucks down is such a cool conference Not only is it. Run by Black Queer folks and centering. The voices of folks who are normally forced to the margins but also it’s a conference that talks the talk because a Lotta these sex conferences and maybe I don’t go to any of them on all of them They talk about sex all day. God forbid there’s anything sexy they’re right right. It’s like dental. Conferences are probably sexier than so many sex is like a major hookup culture at dental conferences. I don’t know well I don’t know maybe they. They’ve got the kink right into the play. Play right I was so struck this year at truly the eye candy and what I mean by that is not to be like gross an object defying but the way that women and men and Non Binary folks were celebrating their bodies the clothing. They’re wearing the way they express their gender the absolute celebration of every kind of body that you could imagine as sexy and hot it was there was so much to just look at so much to look at. You know my partner Brandon who normally co host with me said the same thing that he was so blown away by how people just own their bodies There are so many different things at this conference so there are.

00:05:05 – 00:10:03

There are programs with C. You credits there are conference. You know pieces that look at the business of sacks that are looking at research and what’s really happening in heavier academic spaces and then there are social justice panels. And then there’s fun stuff like you know anal sex for everyone and non monogamy and I went to a great class on how to strip for your lover And there was a strip tease. I guess contest I saw yes I really loved and the way the folks onstage work their bodies and their bodies I showed Brent Brennan was like I can’t believe just the body confidence and he said that is not just about these people. This is about the environment that Marla and Tia have created. Absolutely the organizers of sex down South have just made this space where people feel safe and yeah I mean folks. I highly recommend you check out there. I know I’m going to be there next year. Do you know what you’re gonNA talk about well. I’m going to teach my class on confronting whiteness in sex education spaces and beyond and fingers crossed. They really want me to teach Mike how to Plan Gang Bang Class. Those are two very different topics but they do intersect. Well here’s the thing about gangs is. I think it’s really time. Well past time that we reclaim that term that we reclaim what it means to create a scenario where one person is the center of attention and all of the other people are doing something to that person. We’ve gotta let go of the stereotypes of the first things that pop into our head. These are gangs that I’m going to tell people about better for all bodies all genders all sexual expressions all genitals all kinds of pleasure all kinds of sacks so it is a real like reclaiming and reimagining of the gang. Can you give us a little? Bit of a teaser. I know this this. I’m changing the topic here. It’s okay well I think that you know we do. Think in pretty like Hetero normative terms about the gang bang and the sort of energy in the vibe of what we think of as a gang bang you know we brainstormed at the beginning and people have pretty much the same experiences of what they think of and throughout the workshop give examples of a kind of gang bang. You might have please do right okay. So for example like the Worship Gang I call the person at the center every gang bang the one and this is where everyone. Who’s the people who are the doers? Right those are the bangers but I call them the doers. They are worshiping the one so it is their job to Verbally physically sexually just absolutely treat the one like they are divine right meet all of their needs and be at their feet be at their. Beck and call do whatever they want. Do whatever they need feel like. This person is like a deity at the center of all the Sexual Action. And just that one example you can see right how. That’s not what we think of right. That’s not what we think of. If we if we just distill it down to one person as the center and a bunch of people doing things right then really. The possibilities are endless. Every kind of fantasy role play can be made into a gang. And it doesn’t always have to involve dominance and submission. It doesn’t always have to involve men doing women’s. It does not have to involve penetration or hard Dick’s or any of that. So I like to. I like to give people ideas and it starts to kind of click with them and then they of course take it and run with it right and so I mean I have the pleasure of teaching it at this event at desire desire and so the really great thing about that is I teach at the beginning of the week and then people come back and like report things to me and tell me about their gang bangs. Can you share? I’m Nabi Lous Gang. Bang story you know at the end of my class. Last year this guy stood up and he was like. This is my first year here but I don’t want to regret anything. So I’m I’m Assis- guy who’s straight and I WANNA be the one in a gang bang and if I don’t put it out there and I don’t ask for it you know I’m regret it I’m GonNa go to the airport and I’m going to regret it so if anyone is interested in being in my gang bang being a doer and my gang. Bang like come see me afterwards. And and that of course sparked other people to share and to put it out there which I think takes one person right that one brave person and then when they ask the question or they share the story.

00:10:03 – 00:15:01

Then everyone feels like okay. Now I can do this and later. I saw his partner Lincoln the dining hall and the restaurant and I said Hey I just WanNa know like did anything happen and she was like. Oh my God. We had a guy in bang last night for him. It was amazing. It was by the hot tubs. Like all these people came you know the rules and the boundaries and he got exactly what he wanted and minds. Tonight I just thought it was beautiful. She’d been so inspired that she was like now. I want my own and I was like good. Good good for you. You’re getting your own. Then yes I’ll have what he’s having. Yeah exactly so you talked about rules and boundaries so if we were to take a step back where do we even begin with the gang? How do you figure out what you want? And then how do you put that potential plan into action? How do you break it down into pieces? Where maybe you can have that entire gang? Bang for now but you can extrapolate pieces from it and still fulfill parts of that fantasy right right. You know I think and this is where you know when you tell people people often say like how do I access my fantasies. How do I get language for my fantasies right? And we often turn them. We say go to porn especially diverse and ethical porn or read Erotica. There’s so much diverse erotic out there and sometimes it helps people like have a language. Well I feel like there’s one dominant model of the gang banging porn and we don’t see a lot of variety so it’s not like you can turn to mainstream porn and say wow. I’ve seen ten kinds of gangs and I want mine to be a hybrid of B. C. and E. With a little bit of e thrown in. Right so I think you have to create it from the ground up and you have to decide. What is the VIBE and I always? This is true and Kinky scenes to I. I always like to say what is the goal what he wanted to achieve. Do you WANNA feel taken. Do you WanNa feel sexually used. Do you WANNA be objectified. Do you WANNA be worshiped. Do you want to be the sexual center of attention? Do you want to create a space? Where your greedy and you can’t get enough so we’ve got to bring in all these extra people to try to satisfy you right. What’s what’s the goal. What’s the feeling that you have that you want to achieve and then if you start with this is high WANNA feel afterwards? I WanNa feel like the sexiest person in the world. I WanNa feel like all of these. People are sexually satisfied by me. I WANNA feel like a slot. Reclaiming that term as a slut right. What do you want to feel like at the end? If you start there then you can figure you can like back out of that and figure out okay. What are the things that we need to put in place? The dynamics and the activities and the people to make the happen. I often talk about your core. Roddick feeling so the feeling that you need to experience in order to even consider having sex and I find that helps people to really communicate their needs because people will say things like. Oh you’re too aggressive or you’re not aggressive enough or you’re this or you’re that but they’re not releasing what they wanna feel and then for many of us once we really understand our core rod feeling and cultivated for ourselves and teach our partner to support us in experiencing that feeling. Sometimes that feeling can be so taken care of that you kind of always feel that way and it’s not exciting so then. I move them on to what I call the elevated erotic feeling. Okay I want to do this. I’ve ever even thought of this. So the core clearly I tend to say it’s fairly constant so it might be that you need to. This is the feeling that is so essential. Bid If you don’t experience it you can’t have sex. It doesn’t mean that every time you feel you want to have sex. It’s sort of like I can’t have sex if there’s laundry in the corner of my room or I can’t have sex if I’m not feeling loved or I’m so the laundry’s not feeling obviously but it’s that’s just an analogy so like for example. I can tell you for for Brandon. And we’ve talked about this before on the podcast. His Core Feeling. He needs to feel relaxed. He can’t be stressed out and so in our early years of our relationship. I understood that and was trying to you know. Help him relax and obviously I can’t relax him. He has to take care of his own. Core Roddick feeling has to shut off the phone early or he has to not take calls and emails at a certain time or he has to not take calls from people who trigger him late at night or he has to work out or he has to eat well or he has to get a good night’s sleep because those are the lifestyle behavioral and attitude adjustments required in order for him to feel relaxed. I can be a part of the process as his partner right. I can help them to feel relaxed and I can certainly try to do things. Not to detract from feelings of relaxation. So we begin with the core Roddick feeling with kind of the language of in order to possibly get in the mood for sex.

00:15:01 – 00:20:09

I absolutely have to feel okay and my brain is going a mile a minute. Now I think for me. It’s grounded in my body. I spent a lot of time in my head as a writer and thinker and a speaker an public person. I spent a lot of time in my brain. And if I can’t get in my body and there’s all these things that take you out of your body distractions pain how you’re feeling health wise If I can’t get in be in my body yeah I can’t have sex. I need to be in my body and so when you think about that there are some things you can change in your life to feel more grounded in your body and then there are always going to be things that are beyond your control right right especially with pain right and so or anything to do with health So there are changes you can make and so what I usually have. People do is make a list of the things that make you feel grounded in your body. Make a list of the things that detract from that feeling and then see what specific strategies you can employ in your day to day icy. I like a shower or a bath before. Sex warm. Usually warm. Not a cold shower. But we’ll eighty-five degrees in la today. So I’m just thinking like do I want to go home and take a shower? No but the feeling on my skin right. I all of a sudden start to feel my skin differently. It feels more sensitive. It gets me more folk. I start touching myself my own body right if I’m like washing myself so this makes perfect sense now that you’re saying it’s a yeah. I really appreciate it and I. I suggest that. You’RE CORRADO. Feeling is fairly constant over time. It’s not like the five leveling which is where you’re put in a bucket like that. Obviously emotions are nuanced and I also say that. Just because you’re in your body doesn’t mean you’re in the mood for sex because you can be in your body but be frustrated with your partner a partner you can be in your body. Nba exhausted. And you know yes so once we figure out the core Roddick feeling some people will say. I’m always in the mood for sex or some people for example. Let’s say my court roddick feeling is feeling really loved. The truth is in my relationship. No matter what I I really feel loved I feel really appreciate it and loved all the time. Even when I’m a deck always loves me but in my language is not a panty dropper rate. It doesn’t get me hot for sex. It’s there as the foundation for the possibility. That’s when we start to consider are elevated erotic feelings which I think are more fluid and changing from day to day and elevated erotic feelings. Are the feelings that takes sex to the next level so this is what people would investigate for the gang bang. What are the elevated erotic feelings you want to achieve like where you know? How do you WanNa feel? And what do you want to get to write? I love that and so I love that you framed it a feeling because I think when people think about an experience like a gang bang or threesome or public sex group sex or whatever they’re doing they’re thinking about. I want someone to suck on my left tit. I want someone to play with my right ball. I want someone to pinch my left Nipple. And although those physical impractical opponents are part of it absolutely at the core it’s an emotion or emotion. Yeah you want reasons. Sex is hot is because of what you feel. It’s not just you know some as we have in. It’s just maintenance sex. I’ve been having a lot of that lately because Brennan I are just passing through the city and right gotta get it in and I have a lot of get it only out me different story but I need to get it on so we have this maintenance sex that is certainly there’s emotions attached feel a connection. I feel more relaxed. Feel more at ease but it isn’t necessarily the most exciting sex emotionally whereas I think of a gang bang as probably not something. You’re doing every week correct but some people are in. That’s like I’m super excited for them. Lucky then that’s their jam but it’s hard. It’s hard to find hard to negotiate. It’s hard to navigate. I don’t think of this as you know. Find a bunch of friends on friends on craigslist and invite them over I feel like it’s much more of a curated event where you’re very intentional about. Who’s in the room? But I think that’s another thing that that made me think of this so say the person is a huge exhibitionist and really wants to be watched so in addition to being done they want to be watched. Well that’s great so we could say okay. We’ll invite five people over and they’ll do you watch as you’re getting done. Well why don’t we invite fifteen people but ten of them aren’t sexual with the one. Ten of them are narrating. Are there like a Greek chorus? There narrating what they’re seeing. They’re telling this person that they’re super hot when they’re getting effed or when they’re sucking someone off and it’s like there’s this audience but they’re also vocal focal audience to.

00:20:09 – 00:25:03

This is what I mean about like. We’ve got to rethink these scenes as just one tone or just one activity. I like that cheering section. You Imagine I always liked so I went to a kind of a a sex party. Where really the the main primary partners were the only ones that are being sexual with each other and we were there to watch and appreciate and I was super turn on for me. I didn’t need to be part of the action to be part of the action satisfying Roddick event. But I didn’t get naked and no one had sex with me but I also felt kind of honored that I guess you know. I was invited to be part of this small group of people who got to watch this real incredible couple. You know I love that so again with accessing what you want beginning with the feelings of feelings And then from the feelings you can flesh out the details. Yes right so for example. Maybe like to be watching you enjoy the exhibition of IT and ten people would be lovely but thirty people might be overwhelming right and one person might really add to the experience. There might be someone in your circle. Who you know would detract from its workout. All those details are there. Are there a set of questions you can consider to begin with like a questionnaire? Yeah I’m creating. I think what’s going to be a more comprehensive hand for this because I do think that there are basic planning that has to happen And like one of the things that I really encourage people to do which I love because they showed me is create like a yes and a no list right. In general we talk about maybe lists with partners and with kink and things but for this. I just WanNa yes and no list. I don’t I think there’s a lot going on and so I’m GonNa just eliminate the maybe too many moving parts so it just creating a yes and no list in someone someone printed. There’s out and had it on the headboard and said you know just in case anyone forgets you know. She wants this. She doesn’t want this. She likes this kind of touch. She doesn’t like this kind of Tuck. Can you give me some examples that may be on a yes or no list? Yeah this could be something like I Want I want finger penetration in my vagina and in my ass. But I don’t WanNa need Dick’s or dildos right so the specific kind of penetration. It could be. I like when someone this is. This is something that go on my list I like when people nibble a bit on me but I do not like biting of any kind like a hard by Biting at all a bite would would be on my no list And then you might have words also some words. We like to be called some words. We don’t like to be called My favorite this porn star cinnamon love who I worked with many years ago. Said you can call me all the dirty dirty dirty nasty things but never call me an animal. Oh don’t call me a cow. Don’t call me a pig. Don’t call me a dog dogs here in the studio with us. Houston has her little cute. Bodey dogs here are like that. You called it a studio. That’s totally studio. My makeshift studio. Yeah so so there may be verbal cues right of things you can say and things. I don’t want you to say Words that trigger words that you don’t want Also just some basic stuff like I like spanking but I really need to be warmed up first so no just hauling off with a really hard smack at I if someone wants to spank me. This is kind of these kind of the basic guidelines right. I like the specificity of it because I think we do things like yes and no. Do you want to be bit? Yes or no but for you you WANNA be nibbled gently right or do you like dirty talk. I mean what a broad question really brought so. It’s a great place to start right with a new partner. But when you’re negotiating something as complex as this and I wish when we were negotiating every sex act we spoke with greater specificity about I mean. Let’s say I want fingers in certain orifices and not others? I might have ten people. There and eight people can put their fingers in me and two people can’t right and those are discussions that need to be fleshed out in detail ahead of time and I recommend a host so I recommend a host for a gang bang who is not sexual who is not engaged in the sex part of it who can make sure that boundaries are being enforced. Sort of like a dungeon monitor. Because truthfully when you’re the one you can get very caught up you can get in a deep submissive space.

00:25:03 – 00:30:01

You can get caught up in all the action and you can’t always You need a you need a backup to backup there to advocate for you. In case things go off script and also I think a host can also move the room around. If someone’s taking up too much space or you know it’s like okay you’ve had your half hour like you’re gonNA move on now. Joe’s going to come in like seating at McDonald’s out of respect for all customers police seated for thirty minutes like please don’t like dabble over your water glasses on your bill so because we need to share space so yeah so I also like the idea of a host. I love that. Yeah I mean I have like this whole formula thing I I think. I want to write like a mini book on it. Yes he would be into that a mini book on Gang Bang. Yes I I see it as a course I definitely see it as a love to share that or sell that for you is. I mean yes you have a host and the host. I imagine is there for the pre negotiations. Yes yeah and the host is there you know kind of for for all of it right is to make sure like lube is being used and their favorite toys are being used and that everyone’s following the rules and the flow is moving along and the person’s not getting overwhelmed in a bad way unless you’re unless you wanna feel over well because that is that’s a feeling that’s a feeling that people feel like. I WANNA be overwhelmed. I WANNA feel like I can’t take anymore and you make me take one more. That’s one of mine that is that’s one of my feelings. I like the feeling of being overwhelmed for me. It creates a sense of escapism. Yes so because you can’t even think you can’t even think when somewhat when there are five people doing five things too at the same exact time you can’t think so. That could be the goal. I want to feel overwhelmed where I can’t even. Yeah I think that takes practice for people I I often talk about the fact that it’s hard to be a taker in bed because we’ve made sex so incredibly performance That most of us get uncomfortable. Yeah just receiving pleasure so I have a an online course called mindful sex and the first part is just about learning to receive touch and one of the exercises a handcrafts and if you are so uncomfortable just letting your partner give you pleasure on your hand. How are you going to respond when they go down on you? How are you going to respond in an aggressive next level in a gang situation with ten hands? All over you right. So that’s that’s got to be an interesting piece. Where oftentimes when you have a fantasy about something especially a feeling that you don’t often experience that you wanna consider all the different potential reactions because you might think that this is something appeals to you and then in the moment you pull back and say you know what. Maybe I’m not ready for this. And I think a host could be there to help communicate that to the group because people learn in different ways and in different ways and you know especially when you think of a gang. Bang there is so much anticipation and so much buildup. Because it’s not something we’re having every day. Most of us most right it could be. It’s a special occasion. I did sleep gang. I did see a porn movie. Once a million years ago where the woman was ordering the men around ordering them to sort of do different things to her. So that was my first like lightbulb. Moment where I thought wait. This is different from every other porn gang. I’ve ever seen and this woman is firmly in control and she’s Bossy and they are basically there to serve her So it was like almost like a flip dominant submissive dynamic and. That was the first time that I thought okay. This doesn’t have to be one way. This doesn’t have to be one way. I love it. I love this and so you talk about I the emotional piece then negotiating boundaries and then having host and then. What is the debrief like? Because I’m sure you have people who have the time of their lives having a gang bang like any sexual experience and I’m sure you have some who feel neutral or down. Is that something that you’ve observed? Yeah I think I mean. I like a debrief for almost everything except maybe maintenance sex with a lover for that you’re very connected to and you know for many many years. I feel like whenever we do something new or out of the ordinary. Like the deep your briefest kind of necessary right. It’s like necessary because you’re you WANNA know how did that go how I need some feedback? You know what did you love about it? What did you not love about it? What did you? What did you want more of? What do you want less of next time? how how are you feeling? What was the high point? When did you get bored? Did you get bored? Maybe not I think I think like going through it for so going through. It can also be really hot.

00:30:03 – 00:35:09

I think these peak sexual experiences at least for me are fodder for later totally. It’s like it’s like the thing it’s like the gift that keeps on giving right and it’s almost hotter upon reflection. I find that some of the wilder things that I’ve done I didn’t it wasn’t really that excited. In the moment I enjoyed it. Yeah Okay and his cool because it was different and we got. There was a risk for me. There’s a degree of risk in it right. I like right but it’s the talking about it after like remember when we did this thing. Don’t you WanNa do that again. I’m going to have them come and do that with is the fodder is the same word. I use a love it because it can last you years. Here’s years like you don’t even need to do it again. I’m all about lazy sex. What is the least I can do? I have a thing with one of my lovers where we had sex on his motorcycle in a sort of dirty garage and I was naked and he wasn’t fully naked and it was really really hot and it was early on our relationship and he can just say that like he can over dinner. Be like tumor when I effed you on my motorcycle and it’s like it’s on no audit. I it is all about it. Yeah Yeah so I. I think these fantasies and they serve peak. Experiences can then keep on giving right and I think you can remember it in memory it’s hotter because it’s you’re injecting pieces of your fantasy It’s like reflecting upon a vacation or planning for vacations that anticipation prior to a reward or pleasure and the reflection post reward at Alisher can be as pleasurable and as exciting in some cases more exciting than the experience itself. So that this is what sort of excites me about a gang bang and a potential class that you’re teaching because I think it’s relevant to everyone including those of us who maybe don’t really want to have a gang bay right. No you’re right that there’s some tips here Abou- using our erotic imagination Figuring out what we want and how to get it. Boundaries limits Getting our needs met yet. There’s there’s a there’s a whole script here that actually could be for two people having sex just for fantasy. Yeah Yeah I love it like even two. We’ve this fantasy. Let’s say that I can tell you for me. The effort of it seems like a lot but I love the fantasy of it and I think that’s what people have to realize that they can continue to weave and explore these fantasies. Even if they don’t WanNa live them out in real life I have to ask you a question though about the host so you mentioned that the host because this rule really appeals to me. Okay good and I’m a really good host. So if you want me to plan your gang. Bang and hosted. I’d be happy to do that. It gives me. It brings me great pleasure so this is my question like hosting things like part. Yes yes this is pretty much like the Dinner Party I threw for my dad’s seventieth birthday it’s like it’s like you ask your guests and everyone wants a different kind of milk in their coffee at Brunch. And you have it in the that’s powerful. I get up on that committee meeting people’s needs. Oh you want the extra long dildo. I do have that. You want the tiny blood when I heard you just mentioned in casual conversation this and Yeah I love that. So you mentioned that the host isn’t sexual But does that mean that the host could still be a radically involved in some way? Because I think I would really love doing it based on some things that I’ve done and I would find it really arousing but it wouldn’t be for the purpose of orgasm right okay so it would be it. Would not you wouldn’t WanNa come will modify was the host. Oh the hosts okay. The center person would be over and and over again. Yeah I think as much as the host we think of the host is maybe your partner or your lover or someone who knows you really well. As much as you want to dive into that situation I kind of encourage the host to step back or potentially to be the first or the last before anything else happened after everything has happened like the bride and groom at a wedding because groom at a wedding they get to eat last little because the thing is like the host kind of has to keep their wits about them and I think we don’t talk enough about what it means to be super aroused and how that is a different mind state right where we can always make. We wouldn’t always make the same decisions that we would make if we were just sitting down and talking about with our friends and we can think clearly you know like our brain is on great hormones and endorphins and adrenaline. And so I kind of want someone to to be there who is sober. In every sense of the word and is keeping an eye on everything the micro and the macro. Okay so Yeah I’m just wondering if it was if it’s something I’d be able to do or if I would have so much trouble not getting any not that I jumped on top of someone or anything.

00:35:09 – 00:40:05

No there’s pending and there’s talking and there’s certainly it’s not like you’re not interacting with the one but you’re also there in service to their care you’re there for their care and so where can people take the session with you so. I really should do an online course they can take. Hopefully they can take it at sex down South I mean I talked Marla and Tia and they said they were leaning towards picking that so yeah September Atlanta sex down south. Yes check it out. I don’t know what I’m talking about yet. Probably something more industry related okay but no you brought up something else and this is what we were supposed to be talking about. So I know you have to go soon so spanking you are a spanking pro and I think that you know most people know that you kind of warm up the spot I and they’re you know you’re maybe coming your handle. Can you give us the Coles notes version how to be a great spanker? Is Coles notes. A Canadian thing. Oh Yeah is close. No it’s not an American thank cliffnote. O’cl if Kohl’s definitely actually I should Kohl’s was an old bookstore. So you have barnes and noble and we have indigo chapters and back in the day. We had Kohl’s I forgot about that. So yes cliff notes cliff notes back in the day I mean. I don’t think they do anymore. Okay so I think. Warm up is key to a spanking. I think that although we are tempted to really WanNa wack someone and get their reaction and see that like redness kind of bring flush to the surface the harder you hit someone. In the beginning the shorter the whole experience is GonNa last like a blow job. Why would you just put it in your mouth and start look like from the beginning? Seizing you know massage needing gentle tiny little touches so I think it’s all about the warm up because I mean I have done. I have done spanking scenes. Were spank someone for more than an hour. And it’s not that they have this enormous pain tolerance. It’s that I really planned out so that it would be such a slow buildup and there were so many different things to do. I mean I feel like one of the great things about Butts I mean I love butts obviously wrote a book running all sacks. I made movies about it not just. What’s the name of your anal the ultimate guide to anal sex for women? There’s some stuff about spanking there But I love butts but also there are super fleshy and they can take a lot right so So after you warm up you can hit someone Pretty hard as long as you avoid the tailbone and the spine a trick. I like to tell beginners you can do one of two things one is. You can get a wash cloth and put it on top of the tailbone right so you. So it’s like it’s like a square of color that you know. Avoid this area right. I often also cover the tailbone with my hand. So that if I miss where I get out of bounds. I’ve actually hit my own hand before I’ve hit the tailbone. Can you deserved it? I mean we did so for so for me. It’s all about the warm up and then I think using different kinds. There’s so many toys right. There’s millions of toys you can buy and certainly upgrade your sex life and go for but you can also use different parts of your hand the back of your hand the front of your hand your fingers your fingernails all of these create different sensations right hitting someone with an open hand versus cupping them slightly right all of these create different sensations so just with your hands you can create all of these different feelings for someone And then I love a sexual spanking Is Love Sexual spanking so I love? I mean what am I go to tricks is Is to have a one vibrator in my lap and have someone over my knee and they’re pressed into the one vibrator and they can’t go anywhere and when you hit them it pushes farther into the vibrator. So it’s vibrating against their their genitals. Which feels really good. Apparently and for speaking. What’s your favorite toy. Oh you don’t have to pick one name a few hard right Well I will say no answer okay. It’s a riding crop so I used to ride horses competitively so I have a very intimate relationship with real writing crops so but the thing I love about a riding crop is and I love this about different kinds of toys is. There’s always like a few toys and one so you can smack someone. With the end of the writing crap right. The the little leather piece at the end and you can create some good percussion and you can create a good sensation and a good sound.

00:40:06 – 00:45:13

But you can also if this person has a higher pain tolerance. Use The rod of the riding crop like a cane not like a cane. You walk with a cane like strict British governess Kane and so so it’s like it’s two in one right and then you can also just the end of the of the crop. I can just drag it against the skin. Tease the genitals with a little bit. You know I feel like we’ve got to think when we pick up even something symbols ruler you’ve got the big surface part of the ruler. And you’ve got the side of the ruler right. So I like a multi use toy and to me riding. Crop has like a lot of really good possibilities because you can hit someone so lightly essentially with it and you can give it all you’ve got but you have to start really slowly start. I think some people if they’ve never used a riding crop before you can do a lot of damage. Yeah absolutely I mean. This is true for every possible thing in life. You’ve got to start at the beginning and also I think with anything if you’re gonNA hit someone with an implement. I like to feel it on my own body. So maybe my inner thigh which is just as fleshy but also quite sensitive. I will smack myself a few times. I’ll kind of see what different smacks feel like now. Obviously your partner partners. They have a different pain tolerance. They have different reaction all that stuff but I want to get a baseline for just like how does this feel so that I know where to begin. Do you do that? Every single time with a new implement yes absolutely absolutely. I don’t WanNa hit some with anything that I haven’t been hit with that you know I. I always say that. That’s my role for anal. Is that if you ever want to put something up someone else’s but you absolutely positively must must put something not thing up your own but and I always get a big laugh from the crowd on that one. I’m like I’m not joking. She’s not joking especially with kind of straight guys when they come to anal sex workshop. They think it’s about putting it up their partners but then like oh no you need to try it up your own but I talk about this often. Yes and it’s not a joke. This is really about people’s Safety Comfort. And of course this is about pleasure. You have to feel good. Can you speak really quickly On the cycle psychological element of pain and pleasure and Weiss spanking and other potentially painful experiences can be experienced as pleasure so first of all pain is a much more complicated topic than we give it credit for we. I can say that hurt and you can nod your head in embassy but you can’t really experience what it felt like in my body right and I think the other thing that people have to know. Is that when you get turned on when you get aroused when your genitals are engorged your pain tolerance shifts. So what you might experience as pain someone you know hitting you when you just got out of the shower and you weren’t expecting it versus your into this session with someone you really digging each other’s really getting going and then someone smacks you on the ass to totally different feelings right so and I also think context matters if I were to walk down the street in Los Angeles and have someone come up to me and smack me in the face. I would be traumatized that would be an act of violence and it would be awful and I would feel violated but if I’m in a scene with someone and I feel really really safe with them and I really trust them and I’m submitting to them and I like mess something up and I’m supposed to be doing and they took their hand and just smacked me very lightly on the cheek. Totally different feeling total. Turn on really into it. The shock the surprise. The feeling of it on your skin. It’s very personal hitting someone in the face very very personal And means you know that I did something wrong or maybe something right. It’s the context of it. It’s the meaning that is imbued in it for me right and that’s the thing about spanking. I tell people all the time spanking can be a punishment or a reward right. Were you a very very very good girl. You GotTa spanking where you are very naughty. Naughty little pet. You’re going to get a spanking. So you can shift like the context of it and the meaning of it and that can change it entirely. Is this something super sensual and sweet? Or is it something me? And it’s GonNa it’s GonNa hurt but you’re GonNa get through it and you talk about the underlying love and trust and care and respect. Ya and when I think about the core Roddick feeling and the elevated erotic feelings I think oftentimes when we experience subversive or regularly negative emotions as erotic at that elevated state.

00:45:13 – 00:50:00

It’s because it’s underscored underpinned at all times by these feelings of Love Your Trust Safety Comfort. I think about some of the psychological kink that I’m into around liking to feel jealous or liking to feel not good enough or liking enjoying those feelings that of course in real life. I don’t WanNa feel but it’s only because in the context of the relationship sexual interaction. I feel so loved and cared for and respected that I enjoy with these other feelings and when we talk about psychological play. Yeah I mean one of the things that I love. I mean I’m really into mind faulk. And it’s one of my specialties. What does that mean I think fit? I can make you believe anything if I have the right tools and I know enough about you and what your buttons are and can construct a closed sort of container for us to be in there. Then I convince you of things and I like to get people to beg me to do something to them that they don’t like now. Here’s the thing I don’t ever do it. But they get so jacked up and so also they’re like crazed in their own minds. That are like I’m asking you to do this thing to me. I’m begging you do this thing to me that I don’t want you to do to me but you’ve convinced me that I do want to ask you to do it to me. And they get like really. I mean people get super super stimulated and aroused and an office in a letdown. Because then I’m like I’m not going to do X. because like actually that’s on your list but I think playing with someone’s mind is like really it’s more intense for me than any kind of physical play And always with consent. Yeah playing with someone’s fears playing with someone’s insecurities if they want me to do that. pushing them to do things that they don’t want to do It it’s very cathartic and I feel like it’s Cathartic for both me and And them while you began by discussing the need to get out of your head and be in your body and so this psychological play is in your head but it’s not in your regular brain. It’s almost as though it’s been compartmentalized from your real self and you get to tap into this totally different side. Yeah And of course it’s not as simple as hey let me find out what my partner doesn’t like and convince them that they wanted. This is something that you’re cultivating over time Really understanding their needs. Can you give me a couple of questions to leave people with If they want to explore this psychological play or mind eff. How do you even begin right right right right right? Well I think it begins with a feeling Do you WanNa feel cherished. Do you WanNa feel seen. Do you want to feel understood? Do you want to feel like punished? Do you want to feel objectified? You WanNa feel terrorized. Do you WANNA feel humiliated. Do you WanNa feel embarrassed to me. Embarrassment humiliation two different things right So for example if someone’s quite shy They may say I. I just don’t like talking to people especially strangers and if we’re at a party I will give them some task where they have to go up and engage strangers. Now if I said go up on stage and take the MIC and do something that public. It’s it’s too far their comfort zone. Right you have to start. You have to like just push right at the edge of it and they have to go around introduce themselves or tell people about them and I think what’s the feeling that that feels embarrassing and just slightly uncomfortable for someone but uncomfortable in a good way right. That same thing could be humiliating. Someone going up to a stranger out party could be and being told like you have to do. This could be humiliating so I think the feeling we’re back to the feeling right. How do you want to feel and then when you tell me how you want to feel then I can work back from there and say how am I going to get to that feeling and I’m going to use your own cues? I mean part of it is like a little bit being able to read. People like some mental list tricks. People reveal stuff to me that they aren’t even realizing they’re revealing and then I can use that and give it back to them So I think people need to know how they wanNA feel I think they need to know their limits right. Don’t don’t scare me. I don’t WanNa be scared. Scary is not fun for me. So why would someone want to have you? Tell them to do something that they don’t want to do.

00:50:02 – 00:55:01

yeah they’re just their brains of Somalia. Volt I mean I’m thinking of okay. Can I give an example? Are we out of time? Okay so Person came to me and I was. I was being a service top at a dungeon where people can do these small scenes with you. And what’s a service? A service top. Is someone who you can go to them and say I want to experience flogging or hot wax and then they’re gonNA THEY’RE GONNA. They’re they’re in service to you too. You can have the experience so someone came to me and said you know like I’m a big Fan and I read all your books and they’ve seen all your movies and I you know I wanna I wanNA play with you. But I don’t really know what I WANNA do and like I’ve done a lot of anal play with my wife but we haven’t gotten to pegging. That’s like a really big fantasy for me but we are going to get there and so then I said I think I WanNa peg you than right so immediately right at the limit. I’m right at the limit so I I talked about what I was going to do to them right. They got super turned on super aroused. I was like I started laying out all these but plugs for warm up laying out the lube putting the gloves on and then I went over to the wife and we whispered and the wife came over and said I’ve given permission to trust you. We’ve always made an agreement that I was gonna be the first person to peg you. I’ve given permission tristen. That she’s going to be the first ones peg you. And he was shocked he was like no. We’ve been talking about this for so long and we’ve been warming up for it like Oh my God. This is totally overwhelmed and I convinced him that we were going to do. We weren’t going to do it but I had totally convinced him that we were and I got his wife and on it and then we all sort of laughed about it in the end But I love just getting in your brain and oh making you believe it and I think about that in a maybe more vanilla way but I think that’s what makes fantasy so hot when you can we’ve a fantasy so it feels like you’re actually going to do it. Yeah so that they’re really escaping from the lived reality where perhaps this fantasy is entirely impossible aliens right on your scenario. It was possible that you can do that. Yes but I think that you know. Let’s say you know I have a lot of couples who want to have a threesome. But they’re not sure if they want to have a threesome. But just the talk of it if you can get into your partner’s head about how badly you WanNa do it about how you’re gonNA coordinated about all little details about what they’re going to feel about how they’re gonNA react. My God I was. I call dirty talk because you have to be able to talk talk talk. Here’s another thing I’ve often told people like. We can often find compromise in fantasies. Right when someone presents you with a specific fantasy. And you say I don’t know that I want to go there in in the case of a threesome. I say go to a strip club and get a lap dance right if if you if someone wants to see their girlfriend with another woman will maybe. We’re not ready to like actually make that happen but go watch in a really controlled safe environment. Your girlfriend another woman in Iraq. Interact erratically. I mean the story you could spend from that is endless and you have to have sex with. And she didn’t have another woman which she was not ready for and may never ever be ready for and now we have cam models. There is so much you can do with Cam. Model who is fifteen states or countries away. I I am so surprised that more people aren’t in I’ll call the monogamous relationships but maybe they’re more monogamous maybe. They’re in this grey area. I’m surprised more. People aren’t turned into Cam models and I love the idea of Kim models because it’s more accessibility for all genders right. It is harder to find at at Strip clubs just a lot of women generally right we can get multiple genders right. That’s what’s in people’s heads and there are people on the campsites who are couples who are throttles all sorts of performance. I think that’s a great way to bridge and I’m not saying you have to go right there. I know that’s also not for everybody but I think most people are at least open to that. It’s feel safe and also at any point if anything goes awry in your brain you literally close the laptop. It’s like okay it’s over. That’s the solution to a lot of problems relationships. Yes so I think we can find these different ways and now that we have all this technology we can find these different ways to fulfill of our fantasies that don’t necessarily involve inviting actual people over to your house which may seem entirely too scary or undoable for someone right and then for others. You’re the person. Do you do that as a service to host gangs or is that just for people you know just for people I know okay but I I enjoy it a lot. And where would people even begin if they a couple or a single person Not In a huge city.

00:55:01 – 00:58:05

Where do they even begin to look if they want to explore some of these things whether spanking or a gang bang or psychological play? Is there a website? You suggest they go to. I mean Oh gosh. The web is hard because there’s some unreliable narrators on the web and there’s a lot of porn and some of it is not instructional or useful in any way So I think it’s tricky I think for me. There’s a bunch of different good kink books that I like that I recommend I have two books. On kink. Fifty shades of kink which is a great beginner primer and then the ultimate guide to kink which is like advanced to a one three zero one. There’s a book called Kink One. Oh one which is like going to give you the basics of all the things who’s that that’s Jay Wiseman. Oh yes Lee Harrington Molina Williams wrote a book called playing well with others. I didn’t know that and I love I first of all these are two. I mean between them. It’s probably probably been the scene for five decades and so much experience so much humor and it’s not just about the skills but it’s also about like. How do I access community? How do I find a group and then when I go to a group what I go to I do? I go to the social event to go to the class to go to the weekend event I go to the Dungeon Party So like navigating all of those ’cause ’cause I think ultimately what you WanNa do is find community that that’s where you’re going to find people who have experienced with this who are safe players who can give you references you know and who have experience and skill because in some of these cases you need you need skill you have anyone flog deal so I want people to find community in real life. If that’s what they WANNA do do this in real life and then begin and then I think then you can reach out and figure out okay. Could some of these people be my sex partners? My play partners all right so we can go learn hopefully about gangs from you at sexton south. I mean I’ve said it enough times. I have a meeting with Marlo tomorrow. I’m just going to drop it again. So sex down south in Atlanta in September we. We’re going to link to your books as well as that book playing well with others playing well with others. Okay awesome. This is a lot of INFO Not where I had expected this conversation. It’s like a mixed bag right. You’re not going to describe the show. I love it. Thank you so much folks can. Listen to you and your podcast. They can access yet. Sex Out loud. Wherever you got your podcasts an at Tristan Tear Amino across all social media platforms awesome. We’ll be linked to you there as well. Thank you so much for being here. I’m going to say a thank you to desire resorts for their ongoing support of this podcast. I’m happy you told a story a little story about desire and thank you to you for listening wherever you’re at. I hope you have a wonderful one back next Friday and every Friday with a whole new episode. You’re listening to the sex with Dr Jess podcast. Improve your sex life improve your life.