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Sex with Dr. Jess


December 13, 2019

Full-Body Orgasms & How to Be Grounded in Your Body

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M’kali-Hashiki has a complex sexual history including personal experience with polyamory, non-monogamy, BDSM, and achieving mystical states during sex. She considers herself a “sexual outlaw”, as well as being a “triple minority” (Black, female, and queer); accordingly, she views society’s standards on sexuality with a critical eye.

In this episode, we discuss:

  • Erotic empowerment & breath work
  • The difference between the erotic and the sexual
  • How to be more grounded in your body
  • The importance of “checking in” with the butthole and with the jaw
  • Full-body orgasms

Follow M’kali on Instagram, Facebook & Youtube.

This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

Full-Body Orgasms & How to Be Grounded in Your Body

00:00:05 – 00:05:03

You’re listening to the sacs with Dr Jess podcast sacks and relationship advice you can use tonight Welcome to the sex with Dr Jazz. PODCAST I’m your co host Brandon. Where here with my lovely partner? Dr Jess Hi there before we get started I want to give a a big thank you to desire resorts and SPA. And they have a cruise line for their ongoing support of this podcast. Check them out at desire your experience today. We have a very special guest and really excited because this gas works in an area of the sexuality the field. That is far beyond the purview. So I have lots of questions. Lots of learning to do and Kali has shaky is an erotic empowerment consultant and and you teach erotic breath work course. What does that entail? Oh suss alert. There’s a big question and Basically the idea is that Breath one of my little catchphrases. That breath is an anchor and a vehicle and and so breath keeps US anchored in our body but it also moves energy around the body and it’s a really important way to get in contact with an access our Roddick Energy and I define Roddick is different than sexual. Although related so around breath work is really about teaching people particular breath techniques techniques that they can use to deepen their relationship with their with themselves and also to deepen their relationship with the divine however they define that. And so what’s the difference between erotic and sexual so to me when I do a three part definition And it’s the central. The sexual erotic to differentiate between the three so the central Paul is that which is pleasing to stimulation of any of the senses. And the sexual is anything that is pleasing to stimulation of any of the erogenous zones owns and or the genitalia with one or more of the following as goal connection communication or orgasm and the erotic is that which is stimulation of over please into the soul and the ways that they are connected. Is that sensuality sexuality or the Central and the sexual are the most direct routes and the most embodied routes to the soul so I teach erotic breath work but it also does have Uses for enhancing sexual intimacy. But that’s not the only thing that is about and and so does this type of breath work learning and practice affect your daily life side from the central is really well you. We know helping people to be more grounded in their body I work a lot with Folks who as I say live and bodies multiple marginalized by estate. And I say that he’s that phrase you know. Deliberately as opposed saying marginalized bodies because that seems very passive and who’s marginalizing them now are there actively marginalized unless the state and so for a lot of us being in our bodies isn’t always safe being on our bodies can make us feel target and we pay the cost of that by not being able to be in our bodies when we want to so using the breath to remain anchored in the body when you want to be and then also using that and it does have an effect effect on how you move in the world. How you experienced closeness with other people how you start to think about yourself how you start to recognize that your body is a sacred vessel so just it depends on how much people actually use it after they leave right? What does it mean to you to be in your body versus to not be in in your body because this is a phrase? I think we use as sex educators. You’ll hear therapist talk about this. You’ll hear anybody who’s doing any practice around presence around. Mindfulness around embody pleasure. Was it mean to be in your. I think what it means to be in your body is to be aware of your not just prescription where you’re you’re limbs are in space based apathy my favorite word in the English language. But not just to be aware of your body sort of how it moves but also to have an internal awareness of your body and to feel like your body actually is your own as opposed to. I have a friend who talks about feeling like she’s Li- ah that they have like a head that’s just moving this flesh basket around right the the they don’t actually have a connection to their body and I think also so Being in your body is to be comfortable with is a nice goal but to be aware of all of the different parts regardless regardless of what your relationship to those parts are so for example. A lot of my Clients when we do the body scan where I have them like. Tell me what they feel. And each part law them will get to their pelvis and be like there’s nothing they’re like.

00:05:03 – 00:10:02

Actually it’s I I have this I can’t see me. I have my head my chest mature slow. Then there’s just a blank explicitly get to their thighs and for me as a trauma survivor. A burn survivor. My internal sense of my body I noticed is that I have black spots where my burn scars are so. I’m constantly trying to make sure that when I feel like I’m in my body I’m aware of that. I do have have burn scars on my limbs that they become a part of my internal self image. And so when I’m in my when I’m feeling in my body I’m aware sure that I have burn scars. It doesn’t mean that I’m less than flawed or anything but this is like an awareness that that is something that actually exists when I’m not in my body which usually happens when I’m triggered or feeling anxious or when I fly then I there’s a lot happening in my head and it’s almost like I’m not aware that I have a body except for the competition? Feeling that sort of anxiety in your body so for example when you fly I know Brandon. It doesn’t love flying either not my preferred juicing. I do it a lot but I do it a lot too. And waiting for like by location to become a thing at the speed of light previous conversations superpowers anyway. But what do you do with your breath to bring yourself into the moment and calm your nurse I well for instance. When you’re getting on a plane okay so I’ll just say you know? Physician heal thyself I’m not really good about using the breath when I really really triggered when I’m outside outside of my window of tolerance as we say But Seles ticket to something. That’s a little bit less trigger so You know I get anxious before I do a workshop where before I speak great and so I’ll just sort of what I always do. Is I check in with my whole is my butthole clench at talk. A lot about the back you could you could save my whole. All of my work is just about the breath in the ball. And you’re seeing do you start with the butthole surfers. That’s actually where you go. Yeah okay check out. The ball is a Ho. HOS Hose clenched. Let’s take a deep breath so everybody is checking in with their bottle this for one of the first things we do in in all of my sessions whether it’s a group session or whether it’s we check in with the Bohol we check with the jaw. Yeah are they tense. ’cause you know they’re opposite ends of the same tube right so you got got tension in one or tension in both than that tension. You can’t see me doing this. People that tension transmits itself through the torso. The best way way to try to get the torso relax so that the rest of the body’s relaxed is to relax both ends of the tube. So do you have a specific strategy for relaxing the butthole or is it a simplest. Relax your oil for me. It is simple as relax about Holbert modify a lot of my install. I’ve been doing this for fifteen years. That so modifying a lot of my instructions based on the feedback. I get from people so most recently. I’ve changed it a little bit so I say you know. Check with your a whole if he feels clinched. Go ahead and relax it. If you’re not sure risk lunch. Then you WANNA constantly conscious and consciously and then a couple of years ago. Somebody was like honest dilemma. Talk Radio talking about like. Oh okay so pretend like you’re in a meeting with your boss and you know and it’s a really loud far and you can’t let it happen right now because you’re asking arrays clench okay and then the the boss leaves and then you can let it go okay. So that’s real okay and then if that still doesn’t work okay. Hey imagine you’re on the toilet and you need to take a dump and it’s not coming out really easy you gotta give it a little effort and then you relax okay so of this. Let the relax shit feeling thought you’re GONNA say imagine you’re out and you’re on the street and all of a sudden you got to go you. There’s no choice. Hey you can do it in your pants or you can hold it so Clinton hold it until now now think. You’re running to the bathroom and release that. That’s I might I talking to turtle head. Just hang on and Etta Cameron okay. If I if I ran to stay on the Butthole we will be on the butthole longtime. And he’s going to want to title this episode the unflinching Your Butthole. This is all about the behold you know. It’s all about one mile. The every all you need in life is relaxed breath and Bob Dole can do everything I love that. Relax exponential hose lying now the jaw and the jaw. I tense my jaw. I play with it at all times when I’m sitting on my computer and I remember the dentist telling telling me. Try Putting the tip of your tongue on the roof of your mouth to relax your jaw. Can you give me some strategies for relaxing. I just I tend to do a law. Aw that decide.

00:10:03 – 00:15:02

Yawning Yang is really. Okay like fake forced on it. Okay you you give a big yawn right now. Do you think you’re on. And then all of a sudden you’re yawning for real. So I really love of wiggling around. Okay we begin by an clenching. Our Job I’m John unclenched the butthole let it be relaxed. And then where do we move with our breath. Can you walk us through a breathing extra or we can do A. I’ll do a little anal breath. Okay Yeah it’s called the Anal Brat have taken a plane in awhile so what you can do your net. Take your hands and separate your butt cheeks so that you’re actually sitting on your sits sits bones like you’re trying to kiss the service of the chair with your ball hat. I go getting in there getting there. No your fingers not supposed to go in in there. That’s later and then you. You’re likely you’re all I’m going and then you check in with the Butthole is it clench. Okay relax it and then you just GonNa take deep breath in through nose and then out through the mouth and so what’s important on this breath is that when you are releasing the breath. You’re not right you’re just. The jaw drops the breath. Just comes out and then want to do is I want to have you. Remind yourself that you actually three sixty not a flat too deep thing so I I have you put your hands on your belly just above your Belly Button and just notice if on your inhale do your hands move. Further away from your body doesn’t have to be a huge motion. But if you look at my belly right now you can see that there’s just a little bit. They come a little bit closer on the exhale. And if you don’t notice any movement than on an exhale you just press N.. Relax your hands and let them get pushed back out. So that’s usually easy for people to expand that way but then you’re gonNA move your hands to your sides and same thing you just noticing any motion away from your body Inhale you WanNa feel your sides. Expanding one affiliate sides expanding because because we don’t use most of the capacity of the lungs come much further down than we think right and our diaphragm and then finally have you do that right. Above above the like. Where you’re you’re but meets your back? Put Your hands there. And that’s the most difficult part for most people expanding backwards and again if you don’t feel it just push a little bit relax and let your body pushed your hands back out and this would be great move from this right into the jumper cable exercises. I call it and everybody can follow a law. Yes jumper cable. He likes This is to connect the energy of the heart and energy of the Genitalia. Now usually if I’m doing this longer session I have you do a little jump start. Start the palm. PORTAL’S I we’RE GONNA WE’RE GONNA skip that. Just go right into it. So the right hand is that Hand that gives energy and the left hand side and that receives energy like the jumper cables on your on your battery. This would be the positive and the left hand been negative. So I you’re GonNa take your right hand and you’re GonNa Cup your Fronton tell you and if you if you’re middle fingers long enough to reach to your butthole that you’re not don’t worry about it you can take your left hand correct on your sternum so our left hand is on our heart. My right hand is cutting the Genitalia as I did on my and your fingers on your mind Hugh I haven’t really long and short paradigm so then just going to breathe just like we’re doing before in through the nose and out Komo anyone these breasts to be nice and easy and relaxed and listeners. If you notice yourself twitching or jumping this completely normal don’t be alarmed. Why would we twitter jump? It’s energy moving quickly through the body and just keep breathing. Just keep breathing so I like to do this for About five minutes. But we’re going to do that today. Zoo for about five minutes. Men have people slowly take their hands hands away and switch position and then continue to do it for five minutes and then you just noticing what comes up for you what you feel in your body what you notice notice In the we have discussion about that.

00:15:03 – 00:20:07

This is an exercise that I also give individual clients After our first session and we choose the hand position based on what came up because maybe they need to bring energy from the genitals to the heart. Maybe they need to bring energy from the heart down to the Genitalia. And there’s no real live non on this when I’m teaching the Erratic breath work Cyber Course I have people choose for themselves and then that the home exercises to doing that do it. One way the first week and then do it the other way the next week and see let fills more right to the body. People certain interrupt but what do people. What’s what’s a typical response that you’ll hear after having had done this for five minutes or five days like what would it people expect? It’s very very individualized and I try not to to lead the witness But some of the things people notice is one way feels easier or one way they actually can feel the energy moving and the other way they they don’t really feel the energy moving I know when I’m doing if I have my issues with my right hand on my heart and my left hand on my engine and tell you I can actually feel my vulva swelling and start to feel a pulse there in a way that I didn’t feel before I did the exercise And it just sort of makes me more aware of my genital. I think because in this in Western society we have so many issues with their pelvis that there’s a lot of A lot of numbness a lot of a lack of awareness. which makes it hard to access our sexual energy? You are creative energy our life force all of those things that sit in the pelvis so this is just like oh I want to bring some more awareness down there fire and feel like I’m really connected to that part of my buddy you know for people with Vulva. I can’t speak for people. With penises. There is a warmth and a safety. Not and I think a feeling of comfort with just cupping your vulva and so on one hand. There’s a sexual piece because so many of us get off by cutting thing and rubbing and grinding but it also can be entirely not sexual S. Just being hope held in a way that you don’t really get exactly. It’s like wearing a weighted blankets. You know folks who experiencing anxiety or folks who just like the feeling of physical safety in confinement around them we we like the weight eight of a blanket on our on our bodies and if you’re not familiar with weighted blankets they’re often made with the little plastic beads that they used to put in old dolls. Play with an I. I have one and makes me just feel grounded to have one on top of me like you know if you like a heavy comforter. You’d like to put pillows on yourself. A small always blanket. Even over your pelvic region. Your chest can help you to sleep. I know that it helps me there. Other people in my family who use it and I don’t use it specifically for anxiety I use it for sleep but cutting the vulva creates a similar sensation and in a world where we ignore this body part. I’ll tell you for example folks who conduct body scans hands in a yoga class or another class. That’s helping you to feel a bit more connected to your body. Even if it’s not about energy they’ll skip right over. The Elvis great skipped right over over it they want you to feel the tip of your pinkie finger. They want you to feel the ear lobe and really pay attention. There’s huge value in that. They a body scan. If you’re not familiar familiar with a body scan and you’d like to be led through one go back to the interview with Amina Peterson who walks us through one. But and she doesn’t skip the public’s area as a Contra Contre Instructor Contra leader but I see this in in classes all the time with skip over the pelvis and what is the message that we’re reinforcing that there’s something wrong with part of our body and then we wonder why so many people have unhappy sex lives or had negative self images or you know feel really uncomfortable during sex or can’t let themselves ask for what they want and cannot themselves say no to what they don’t want like we have this very I hesitate to use word broken. But there’s been a disconnect for so many of us and society re really reinforces that disconnect and it’s not it’s not good the good and it feels like such a good investment in yourself just to be in your body so I know there are folks listening who will feel that the notion of moving energy throughout the body is really resonating with them and I know there are folks who will also maybe not feel like that’s something that appeals to them and I think just a reminder that regardless of where you fall on the spectrum I I think that an exercise like this for five minutes just to touch your body in a way that you almost never touch at hand firmly over the heart and hand over your pelvic offic region is going to help you to understand at least how you feel in your body. Even if it’s not an energetic experience some folks there’s the fisa Sokol mindful experience of being in our bodies because we really move through the world without being mindful of our bodies.

00:20:07 – 00:25:01

As you said we’re mindful that we don’t bump into be great. Some of US are mindful of other people’s space other people are less mindful of other of other go man spread all over the place but just to feel what your skin feels like. I think about it right now. Am I aware of my fingertips. When’s the last time I took the time to be aware of my fingertips and people come in? They want these quick solutions. Like oh a doctor. I WANNA learn about full body orgasms. I start with just knowing what the body feels like before we can. You know was crawl before you crawl before you walk. But I also think is it that the one of the benefits of this exercise and the body scan also have in be three MP threes on my website body scan. Could you tell us your website. It is fierce. There’s passions DOT COM FEARS PASSIONS DOT COM for full body scan. It’ll probably be better than just listening to the episode. I referenced because I was kind of talking in it so just a liked to be guided. Guns yeah a body Cam would agree to about your day thirteen minutes and you can choose between one that goes from the head to the feet or when it goes from the feet to the head. We leaving need that. I do and I think listening to your description of energy and I mean if I had to be completely clearly honest I don’t I don’t know it’s not that I don’t know how much I believe in it. But it’s more like I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel so when somebody yeah Bu- uh-huh and that’s it right because I think we’re taught like enter when somebody says the transference of energy I think okay. I should feel a current I mean but I don’t yeah so I think immediately as I’m doing this exercise that we just did I feel My hands the coldness. I’m aware of the sensations but I’m expecting expecting to feel like a flow from my left arm to my right but what I’ve noticed is one. I’ve spent the time I become. I’m first of all when I’m finished. Is that breathing exercise. I’m more relaxed. And you know over time I’ve started to reap some of the benefits of that. I guess to me that would be the energy that you’re that’s how I would describe it as opposed to. I don’t feel a current around. I think I think also it’s important important in what I try to tell. People is like so when we’re doing the exercise in in the session you may or may not feel anything right and and whatever it whatever do you feel then we also have to think of what is what we mean by. Feel so when I’m doing body scan I go into what feel feel could be a sensation. It could be an emotion ocean. It could be a color. It could be a shape. It could be a sound it could be anything. It’s very individualized. So but I think a lot of times in this sort of Lake Neo. Woo thing people. We’ll have this very like. Oh you have to feel a current and it’s blue here and then it’s ready here. But it’s really very inva- individualized embodies. Each body. has its own on language and so the one of the purposes of the body scan in this exercise is to find out what your body’s languages maybe your body only speaks you colors. Maybe you never never feel a flow but when you relax you notice that your head fills green and your knee feels orange but you know if your knee feels yellow. That means that something’s not right. Or maybe you only only your body talks to you and sound so when you really tune into your pelvis you feel an oh you know you never know. It’s very very individualized bringing these things too late. Like for me. The body scan I just visualized this leaser being kind of scrolling over my body but when people say oh you’ll feel a blockage or this or that. Ah I have noticed because I have some recurring chronic injuries. where I’m like? Yeah when I pay attention to my body when I get to my neck. I’m I do fueled tension there when I go about the day. Though I’m just like I just this is bugging me uncomfortable but when I take the time to actually focus onto my go. Yeah no no no. I do feel like like this nodded tension and it’s more about bringing awareness to it you know then. I think we’re going to you know mindfully send blood. They’re air in and help it regenerate itself and although that may sound silly I think it’s more just when I’m focused on that area of tension I can focus on relaxing. Yes inevitably helps to release the tension if you can identify where the tension is then. You can’t work on relaxing it and I think people who are reticent to move into this area or try something like this. I think it has to do partly with the fear of being vulnerable because the notion of putting your hand on your pelvis your finger on your butthole your hand on your heart and lying there air-breathing for five minutes. Some people will kind of laugh at that and be like Oh. I don’t need that y stuff but I challenge you to try it and just see how so your body responds.

00:25:01 – 00:29:42

Because I have been blown away come from this more like a science background. Tend to think of. I have a tendency to have my default setting of thinking of things in black and white A. Plus B. Equals C. but when I have engaged in these types of exercises the activities giving you offer in your online course. I’m always surprised at the way my body responds. I had a response last year at a conference where I just started good at crying and it didn’t stop and I was embarrassed because that’s not my public persona but I felt something that clearly I needed needed to feel and my body needed this response and so this I exercise you called it. The I caught a jumper cable. The cable I love is is is a place to start but if people want to try that on your own but has everybody can try that and then do the folks who are going to want to dig a little deeper and they can sign up for your online online core. Yes I have Recently I’ve done that ain’t so the three breaths that I teach two. That worked together are the anal breath the charging breath and the big draw The breath can be used by itself and so I have a mini course of just the anal breath and then I have the course of all three of them together And that’s it’s I prefer to be able to see people that I’m teaching so I do a lot of like in real time but online courses come but I know for some people. I’m being able to move at their own pace relaxing and that they’re a little distracted if they’re around other people sell I’m offering the course I do the a uses of the erotic time resistance. Cyber course I call them. Cyber courses to differentiate between those e courses do that several times a year. I mean and that’s in real time but we meet online like five weekends in a row so there’s a support yes so that there is such a if that is beneficial for you one of the things I do do WANNA mention As I’m on my own trauma journey I mentioned being burned survivor And I listen a lot. I’m open to hearing feedback information from folks who are more versed in understanding different different types of trauma and one of the things that I’ve been hearing people talk about. is how this notion of mindfulness. or You just need to be mindful. You just need to race race calm down. Your brain can actually be really triggering for some survivors of trauma. So you know this doesn’t work for is not a blanket thing for everyone on and again it’s just listened to your body if this makes you feel worse than don’t you’re the expert. You’re the expert. There’s nobody who can tell you not a doctor or not a therapist. AARP EST not any spiritual practitioner. You know what’s going right in your body so encouraged people to number one while relaxed that bubble number to do try the jumper cable exercise. especially if you’re a skeptic now. I think that the people who are going to do it. Are you going to latch on and probably take a look at the courses. But if you’re a skeptic I challenge you to push through that skepticism because it’s in that zone of discomfort where you grow where you thrive so we’re gonNA link to your website if people wanNA check check out your e courses as well. There’s a series on their highly. Encourage you to go to the website and check out the body scan activity because that can be a life changer. I think yeah I feel like it’s. It’s like going to the gym or other things. That people do meditating. That are healthy for them. So if you can start your week once a week even even once a week I mean like three uh-huh week once a week and you can. You can choose whether the way. If you’RE GONNA do it at the end of your day you WanNa do from the head down the sort of lake. Oh interesting you down. If you’re not bring you down like depress you but like you down and if you’re GONNA do it at the beginning of your day than do from the feet up sort of wake you up and bring the blood back you know Focusing on your brain before you have to get out there and moved with people’s lives like that foot head scan this morning. Running man is really really useful at the beginning of the day so be sure to check out the website fierce passions dot com. Yes thank you so much for chatting with us. It was really eye opening for me much. Appreciated thanks for being here. Thank you to you for listening. I hope you’re feeling great. You are great will be back next Friday with a new episode note. Though you’re listening to the sex with Dr Jazz podcast improve your sex life improve your life.