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Sex with Dr. Jess


December 30, 2019

How to Have an Orgasm!

Photo Credit: WillVision from Lyon, France, CC BY 2.0 

Hot sex and earth-shattering orgasms don’t always come naturally – you have to work for them and do a bit of learning along the way. Consider these approaches to increasing your odds of orgasm and remember that you don’t have to have an orgasm to have passionate and fulfilling sex:

Fantasize! Sexual response originates in the brain, so even if your body is getting what it needs, you have to feed your mind too or orgasm may elude you. It’s not cheating to dream about Brad Pitt, Eva Longoria or the hot barista from the local coffee shop. In fact, if it turns you on and you eventually share your fantasies with your lover, it can deepen your connection.

Let your mind wander without inhibition. Who knows!? You might be a part of the estimated one percent who can have hands-free orgasms from fantasy alone!

Change positions. We all know that two-thirds of folks with vaginas do not orgasm from penetration alone, so shift into positions that allow you to rub, grind and rock to your heart’s content. The CAT (coital alignment technique) is a fan-favourite (for penile-vaginal intercourse), as it allows you to simultaneously squeeze the shaft of the penis between your thighs, grind your clitoris against the pelvis bone and enjoy the snug fit of penetration. More info here.

Another orgasm-friendly position is the Snake: You lie on your stomach and your lover slides inside from behind. You slide a vibrating toy or a finger between your pelvis and the mattress and use the weight of your body to rock your clitoris against it. The We-Vibe Touch X works well for this one, because its shape wraps around you and it’s wide enough to stimulate your clitoris and your Venus mound. (Use code DRJESS to save a few $ at

You don’t have to orgasm during intercourse (sex, of course, means different things to different people), but if you want to try it out be sure to spend lots of time on foreplay and pay attention to the erogenous zones that aren’t located between your legs. Some folks can reach orgasm from breast stimulation, anal play and even touching the small of their backs — so don’t discount the power of full-body arousal.

Breathe deeply! One common impediment to orgasm involves holding your breath. Try breathing in rhythm with the movement of your hips or with every lick, stroke or pump. When you reach orgasm, exaggerate your breathing (longer inhales and exhales) to prolong the climax and intensify your body’s delightful spasms.


Masturbate! Most of us experience our first orgasm during solo sex, so take some time to learn about your unique bodily responses so you can teach your partner how to please you too. Touch, tickle, pinch, rub and hump to your heart’s content and make some noise! No one is watching, so you can concentrate on you, you, YOU!

Play with running water. Many of my clients who have never experienced orgasm, learn to do so with the help of a detachable shower head. Run it over your vulva, clit, backside and nipples and experiment with hot and cold to see how your body responds. The possibilities are endless! Just be sure to avoid spraying a stream of water directly into the vagina.

My favourite waterproof toy that can be used underwater is the Womanizer Premium 2, which leads us to…

Play with Pleasure Air technology. Womanizer toys are unlike any other products on the market. They’re the originators of that unique push-pull-vibe-suck sensation that cannot be replicated. It has all the bells and whistles including:

1. Smart Silence technology so it stays in standby mode until it’s in contact with your skin
2. Adjustable heads in multiple sizes (to surround the clitoral head for indirect stimulation)
3. Autopilot mode so you can just sit back and enjoy the ride

Make noise! Research indicates that women’s “copulatory vocalizations” don’t always correspond to our own pleasure – we actually make sounds to please our partners as opposed to ourselves. Ditching this practice and allowing yourself to let loose with your moans, screams and purrs can help make our own experiences more authentic and pleasurable. So open wide and let is all out. Your coos, whines and grunts will help bring you both over the edge.

Engage your pelvic floor. If you have the opportunity to see a pelvic floor physiotherapist, please do! Their guidance and treatment can be life-changing for a range of issues from sexual functioning and continence to pain alleviation and posture (check out this great @SexWithDrJess podcast with Pelvic Floor Therapist Michiko Caringal). They’ll teach you to tone your pelvic floor (kegels aren’t always the answer!) through various stretches, exercises and mindfulness activities.

You can also experiment with pelvic floor muscle activation during sex play. For example, when you feel yourself getting to a high point of arousal, try contracting and releasing your pelvic floor muscles to intensify the sensation and mimic the climactic contractions you experience at orgasm. Play with different speeds and rhythms to see how you body responds and learn more about what works for you.

Learn to appreciate your body. Positive (or neutral) body image is associated with orgasmic response, as it helps you to avoid spectating (looking in on your experience from the outside instead of enjoying the physical sensations of the experience itself). Check out these 8 specific ways to love your body today, because you deserve to experience pleasure — however you define it.

For bigger, better orgasm techniques, be sure to check out our online classes, Drive Him Wild With Pleasure and my personal favourite, Drive Her Wild with Pleasure.