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Sex with Dr. Jess


November 22, 2019

Holiday Kink, Rewiring the Brain, ABDL & Setting Boundaries

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Licensed therapist Carlos Cavazos is a firecracker and an incredible source of insights and easy-to-use advice for more fulfilling relationships and hotter sex. In this episode we discuss:

  • How to take care of yourself first when you are accustomed to caring for others (personally and/or professionally)
  • The difference between independence, inter-dependence, and co-dependence
  • How to set healthy boundaries this holiday season
  • How to overcome negative-filtering, so that you can be happier in love and life
  • Exercises to support your mental health
  • How to make the festive season kinky and have more exciting sex
  • Sploshing and cake-sitting
  • Adult baby diaper lovers (ABDL)
  • How to reduce the stress of hyper-vigilance
  • How to use Naughty and Nice lists to spice things up

Follow Carlos on Instagram, Youtube, & Twitter.

This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

Holiday Kink, Rewiring the Brain, ABDL & Setting Boundaries

00:00:05 – 00:05:03

You’re listening to the sacs with Dr Jess podcast sacks and relationship advice you can us tonight. Hey Hey hope. Everyone’s doing well out there today. We have a very special guests. And we’re going to be talking about how to take care of yourself when you’re taking care of others will be talking about mental. Health will be skipping over the pond to Kink and holiday king and more and do you hear him already. He’s a shining star. This is Carlos Kvassov’s sexologist therapist and host of ask Carlos on Youtube. Thanks for being here. Thank you so much for having me. I am like super excited guys. Doctor Jazz has been like a huge inspiration. So is excited with like this sex goddess recording. This so excited I think I’m just more the sex expert goddess. Not The sex. Go One day. I’M GONNA go back into the bedroom and be an actual sex gone. There’s always sign. There’s always I got. I got time now. So you’re a therapist and you actually come from a mental health background. You do a ton of work in sexuality which I WANNA get to buy. Your background is in mental health. And you’re working with people with severe mental illness. Illness in Texas. Can you tell us a little bit about kind of the a typical client. And you think you’re working for an insurance company right so I mean. The typical clients are have a severe severe mental. Illness like schizophrenia. Any of bipolar major depression. But they are towards the like almost like really difficult to function kind of level so kinda borderline align on high functioning to severe functioning severely mentally ill. So sometimes they’ll be they’ll be able to have a conversation with you. Oh and other days. We’ll just be so paranoid. It makes it a little difficult to work with that Scott Peterson’s when you are working without population and you’re mentioning that you have a lot of patients you’re able to manage these case loads and I’m in a different vote. I like to work with groups. Mice strength isn’t working in the one on one and I joke that maybe it has to do with my avoiding of intimacy intimate conversation just a personality thing right what you’re good at and you know where your strengths lie. I find it emotionally draining. It is yeah. How do you manage taking care of yourself emotionally when you’re taking care of people with suicidal thoughts with beheading fantasies With all of these disclosures day in day out how do you take care of Carlos. Well I’m actually really really lucky that just my natural temperament is really. I’m kind of like really chill but at the same time like really positive at the same time so it’s not necessarily something that I have to actually work four for myself because I know how to make. That’s operation of this is something that they’re going through and I need is just like be there for them. You know because if I take too much of it on I won’t be able to think clearly all start crying with them. The two of you will breaking breaking down is not going to help anyone so what I do. I just try to be there for that other person and in terms of myself like I think personally I’ve I’ve already created that barrier where I know where work is and I know my life and I know my happiness so yeah I personally don’t really struggle with that but I do know a lot of other therapists and a lot of people in general that do struggle with that and with that I mean I just always tell everyone. Take care of yourself. I you know you’re not going to be able to take care of anyone else unless you’re good and you’re clear headed. I have worked with a lot of people that are caregivers. You know so that makes it really really difficult for them because they have a so much for on their own life you know not only there but then whoever they’re taking care of and I hear things I Carlos I needed some rest. I haven’t slept but I feel guilty. I feel guilty if I get some rest asked. I’m like well. What if they need me? I’m like well if they need you. And you have not gotten any razzed. You’re not gonNA make sense. You’re not going to really know how to react so it’s going to. You’re not going to be as effective as you would. If you would get some rest and take care of yourself and live your own life you know so it sounds like you’re you’re saying you have to change the the way you think and stop always trying to be the savior exactly think your own. Savior your own cats and save a hoe the Myron this up because in relationships.

00:05:03 – 00:10:01

oftentimes we fall into this caregiver Whether it’s with a parent or a child or partner or rand and oftentimes there is this and I’m gonNA use it slightly out of the context in which it’s usually used this savior complex in relationships. We you talk about the value of differentiation. Being able to differentiate loving you and caring about you guess from taking on your problems uh-huh and this is something. Sometimes I’ll run into. If Brennan has a big problem at work. I will get worked up about it because I want to help him solve right right and then and can I really support him through it. No because I’m having the same distressful symptoms. They’re exactly yeah. So you mentioned one strategy which is to remind yourself that I wanNA take care of you on a night. I can’t take care of you. Almost say take care of myself. I is there anything else we can do to actually make sure we take care of ourselves. First you stop and take a deep breath. Do you write it down. How do you retool the way you think when you’re so used to taking care of other people? What are the quickest little like? One of the bast activities. I love telling people is so simple and something that everyone concerned doing today. And it’s based off positive psychology. And it’s kind of gratitude exercise where you so simple you just write down five good things that happened to you today. It doesn’t have to be mind blowing. It doesn’t have to be like like extremely amazing using it could be something as simple as a cute little dog keenum to me you or I had a delicious cup of coffee or even like that bitch from work that you hate fellner phase me do some I. You know you can use that on your list. Anything that major day suck a little less you know. Just put it on the list because we have a tendency to have like this tunnel vision where all we think about. Is You know we only look for things are going wrong. It’s used to be something now. We needed for our survival. We need to be hyper vigilant. And see what’s going on but we still have that even though we probably don’t need it as much you know so we’re not living being in the wild right by the Sabertooth cat exactly so we only notice like the horrible driver that cut you off in like Hong Dot you you. You don’t remember like the Nice Lady that that you you only think about those things so when you’re in a relationship or just in life in general you know when and you have all these people that need so much from you and you’re taking their problems on as well it can be really like magnified not only are you dealing with that tunnel vision where you’re only seen things that are going wrong but now you also have everything that’s going wrong with them so this little trick will kind of like rewire your brain to start looking for the positives. If you can look for something you’re gonNA find it so inside if someone is i Carlos I answered about day. Everything was so horrible my life as miserable and I did I five. Good things happen to you today. And Yeah off force them unlike all the whole hour with you until you lose five things. And they’re like oh they do it in. The boy wasn’t as bad. So you got to have more of a balance which is really important. So that’s one tip. I love that. That’s the way Negative filtering guess. Yes I love that you brought up the road rage. Because you live in Austin and it’s real in Toronto. We’ve got road rage. We even got pedestrian rage cyclist region. We’ve got it all and it’s interesting because you do come home and tell the story about some jerk who cut you off. But what about the two thousand cars who didn’t do exactly exactly for those of us who kind of like numbers and we liked the dada if I say the drive here was so hard because three cars cut me off. It’s typically inaccurate because two thousand cars right that I drove on the road with two hundred or whatever it may be did not so insignificant not even one percent right. It was bad yet. I’m saying what a terrible dry here is not exactly what I really liked about this exercise. Is that done over time. You start rewiring your brain to seek Out Positives it’s something that you just weren’t doing before it’s like your mind will be blown at all the positive experiences that are around you so you start becoming going for more of like a problem focused mentality where you’re only focusing on everything that’s going wrong. Ace slowly start shifting to more of a solution focus where it’s like problem solving in ways that you just didn’t have the capacity to do before I love the way you talk about this because you’re talking about a number of clinical terms lesion. I’m focused therapy right. But you’re doing it in a way. That reminds all of us that yes that you know. We can all benefit from a therapist. But you can also be your own therapist if you go to therapy and learn these tools the goals the goal is for you to move on. It’s not to keep you on our couch for years and years so I really appreciate that.

00:10:01 – 00:15:11

Now you can be your own therapist ignorant. You have a mental health issue if you’re really struggling with something if you’re dealing with distress obviously see a licensed professional and of course you cannot be your friends therapist. What do you think of that? People will always say like my friends my therapist I mean honestly. I think it’s ridiculous because I mean I’m someone’s friend and I’m there and even then Nino effective because like people will listen to someone that they don’t know a lot more than the people close you that’s why like when people are going to be so relationships like everyone around them telling them you know like this is bad for you you. I need to get out. But they just won’t listen to them and they they talk to me like a therapist or someone else and I don’t know they’re they’re these. Just think about it differently so they’re able to consider alternatives that much better than with a friend a friend just like that and stuff like that so sometimes we are just saying. Yeah Yeah and so. I think it’s important that your friends are sources of love and support but maybe not professional. How right because you have to remember that your friends always wanted to immediately make you feel better ladder and sometimes there’s a detriment to that because almost being just kind of like yes? People who just want you to feel better and therapists will make you take a hard look at your actions and give you some accountability. Not Sugar coat things for you Louis. that a friend would. That’s an important reminder. Now do you run into your friends treating. Can you like their therapist because you are licensed there. How do you deal with that They use a lot in the past. And I mean I’ll I’ll just go with it a little bit you know. I’ll give them like blanket tips that I could that I would give to anyone like I’m giving here but not specifics exactly exactly because it’s it’s like you don’t want to be with your friends and you’re going to be there therapist. Sometimes you’re GONNA be like a bad person in their eyes. And I don’t want to do that. I want to be their friend. I don’t want to be one of them. I’m like you know putting a mirror to their face. That’s my job as a friend is to support someone unconditionally and be there for them not to who fix her life. Is there a point at which you kind of have to not use a therapist but you need to stand up to your friends and hold a mirror up to them. Well of course. Yeah I mean I think if your friends are going down around path and you can be like. Hey listen you know I always use sandwich always something positive and then give your feedback and and then like with something positive says exactly exactly exactly like Oh my God you know I care about you so much and I love how you’re always so like brides and wonderful cheery. However I’ve noticed that this relationship has means you into like this big crowd and I don’t know it’s not a good look for you? Aw I appreciate that Sandwich. Approach with the positive share the honest feedback which may not be shiny and then end on a positive. I really care about you. And that’s why I’m bringing it up now. You brought something up that I definitely WanNa talk about. You said on that list of five good happened to me. Maybe somebody I hated at work. They shouted and frode taking pleasure in someone else’s misfortune obviously on the whole. That’s not a small degree which is normative. And if you find that you’re experiencing this too often what you can you do where you know. You’re not really rooting for other people. And then you’re you’re happier in life when you’re rooting for. The US agreed agreed. How do we address that? If I’m kind of you know if you find that maybe you are taking a little bit of pleasure in someone else’s misfortune. How do you catch yourself nip that in the back? Well I’m glad that you brought that up because when I when I do notice people lar- using things like that more in their list. I’ll be like you know you can have one out of five have some balance but at the end of the day the whole exercise is to be more positive so if at any point you start going backing you’re twisting things where all the negative suddenly are positives. Then that’s not gonNA work. You’re just doing the same thing in different hairstyle and it’s easy to get into the Rut of being critical. Yeah we’re criticism is your default and you know there are families where we’re raised without as a norm or cultures where that tends to be something we focus on and I do find if I find myself being in critical of people especially more than one person you know. Maybe I’m having one conversation about something. I have to catch myself and say well here’s the common denominator Minutes meet right right. I’m the one who’s putting a negative spin on this. If I want to find something wrong with someone you can always find something thing that you don’t like but if we go back to what are all the things that I appreciate. Even if I don’t overall love this person to love everyone you don’t have to like everyone I sure don’t but they’ll never know ’cause you always have to be respectful and positive if you treat people with like positively and respect you will looking back now.

00:15:11 – 00:20:05

Let’s let’s move to the Feinstein appreciate those tools and I wanted to get some tools around sex because yes you are a counselor who in mental health but you also work in sexuality. Yes have your serious. I’m on Youtube by educating bowl. On kings awesome fetishes. I answer people’s questions live on Fridays. And even try some of the kings and fetishes myself so instead of just like talking. You can only learn so much through books and through workshops needle and put it in your own skin exactly so that’s been a lot of fun to dabble in things that are out of my comfort comfort zone and kind of like report from an from a perspective of someone. That’s not necessarily into these things but like what it would feel like and also kind of put my my head in in their shoes of like. Why would they like this? What about this is so attractive war? Can I find this sexy. Don’t you find that you discover you like things through your work number professional so is teaching a class on the business of sex and one of the questions came up and somebody asked how does is working in this field affect your own sex life your own relationship and of course it affects my own mostly for the better sometimes it can be a bit of a drain but overwhelmingly well mainly for the better because discover things. I never ever those who love that. I do so what through your work through your research through your youtube being what. What is the most surprising thing you’ve discovered about your own myself and you’re not in session? I did this video where Eh I examined though wet and messy king. Confetti Asia Messy or splashing. So it’s when people just love to have applied themselves covered in all sorts of substances. It can be like like usually food. Or anything like slimy or having that texture all over yourself they might like poor big AAC beings they have baked beans eggs reacted to MSA porn on the channel. And I just went for anything that seemed like the most out there and they’re like baked. Beans sites is a big thing so that was like one thing that I was like. Okay that’s different Texan thing. y’All know I mean maybe maybe maybe we do have like beings here so yeah but one like. How many cans of beans did you pour over your body? Well I didn’t do the being thing I want to ask flush with cake sitting. Yeah which is almost like a thing within itself so a lot of people are into that and we used you stay on the cake sometimes in sex it so straightforward the people like well. What is that? I’ve seen live cake sitting. I was at NSF NSF. W really cool. I would say it’s kind of like a sex in experiential club. That’s more aloha. Young folks and millennials in New York City and and there was a big performance after my session cakes at her. I think I know who you’re talking about their name. I don’t but I watch a lot of videos any New York. Like that’s what she does. She’s like a professional cake sitter and she won’t make the most elaborate cakes and sit on them. I was like I’m in the wrong profession so for my birthday I was like well. This seems like a perfect time to explore this so I ended up making a penis cake on camera. I mean Penis Cake I decorate it and then at again I sat on it and I ended up really liking it. I was like Oh this is I can see how people can be into this the feeling the texture and then like my Butler so soft afterwards. I’d probably exactly. Yeah too bad. My boyfriend was asleep. There’s like four in the morning. I feel as though if I made a cake sitting video. Stay awake till an hour to be a part of it. I don’t think he would. I doubt he would find erotic but I might be surprised. You might be surprised you never know until you try. Yeah exactly it’s not to be open cake. I love it. Yeah that’s exactly the king of your dreams that you liked that in terms of really pushing your boundary have you explored explored a kink. Need you uncomfortable and you did it for professional and personal reasons. Because there’s always crossover yes so when someone had asked me I think it was like doing one of my live shows or do read it. Someone had asked me at some point. Like what is the core fetish that I find the weirdest so I had to explain to my. I’m at a point right now. Where it’s anything’s weird? But one of the things that I still don’t fully understand is like diaper lovers diaper adult diaper fetish so I ended up getting a lot of people from the APD L.

00:20:05 – 00:25:04

Adult Baby Diaper Lover Community. who see messages being like well? We’ll point you in the right direction. And then I was anytime that I’m too nervous or think something is too much. That means I should do it so I ended up ordering some diapers. I mean myself a little surveys. I got in them. I use them. I use But it was like one of those things I was like okay. This is really something that I personally wouldn’t never do. And this is so weird you know being on camera on Youtube for the world in a diaper like something that I was like okay so I’m really doing this. I love that in this field. Even when you’re really experienced in your sharing expertise you’re still learning. And when we talk about fetishes like adult baby aby diaper lovers. I think people sometimes have this tendency to see folks as the other like. I’m not like that or not into that. But when you look at any fetish or fantasy what we don’t often realize that there is probably a piece of that theme that appeals to us. So when I think for example about the desire to be loved desire to be cared for the desire to be caudal does even swaddled waddled mine. We we all experience that Desire University I think about myself physically. I can’t sleep without some sort sort of weight on top of me so not brandon weighted blanket. I sleep with at home and when I travel and I’m on the road and I don’t have my way to blanket. I sleep with heavy pillows pillows and I don’t really feel physically at ease and safe and bad until I have some sort of weight on me right and that helps with anxiety to those blankets a lot. The people use those for anxiety so Yeah just think of if something a blanket you know weighing down on you is going to be helping wing. You’re anxious that doesn’t imagine what it’s like like to have someone like take care of you but yourself in a different perspective and be like well how about this particular king or fetish is alluring ring to them and you know. Is there way that I can incorporate that into my life and if you find something is making you uncomfortable more setting you off. You probably love it. uh-huh component in there. That you’re buying yourself or you have a history of repression from right so if you do find yourself being feeling a little bit judgmental judge Mantel. That’s okay it happens to all of us really ask yourself what is it that either intimidates me or actually appeals to me I myself saw now. Is there a fetish or kink that perhaps pushed you in a way that made you realize that committee. It’s not something you could work with because we all have our limits as nationals for myself. I can’t really say that there is so you know I’m just so open to trying things. I mean. Sure there’ll be some acts at Al probably just like you know what that’s not for me. That’s ’cause I already be. We have thought about it or really process process it and this is not something that’s going to work out for me but if there’s anything that I haven’t or something that you know like you said kind of scares me a little bit I will want to venture into that and be like okay. Let me just go buzzed. Even find out it goes the internal work to figure that out. Exactly exactly you have a partner I do and so how does your partner respond when you say okay so tonight. I’m going up like a baby. And this is something new from your tonight. I’m going to be splashing gnashing on me He is hilarious. You know he’s like very more serious type so he just puts up with my shenanigans killed US laugh laugh and he won’t. He won’t go there with me you know he’ll like let me do my own thing which is really really good you know. I think everyone needs to have their own an independent lives. You know you should be standing up like the best relationships are when two people are able to stand on their own two feet and sometimes you know in some relationships get into those patterns where we’re constantly having to like lift the other person and it just creases dynamic whereas all this back and forth like eventually like the foundation structure. The relationship will collapse under all the pressure. You know so. I think it’s really important to find a way to do your own thing. You know like if I just because your partner isn’t going to engage in particular that doesn’t mean that you can engage with it yourself now that’s interesting because yesterday in the clinical training we were talking about food. Independent versus interdependence versus codependence. And because these desires liars are ingrained from a fairly young age and they’re reinforced by your own experience as well as cultural expectations. We tend to personalise. And generalize generalize that our own needs must be what everybody needs exactly.

00:25:04 – 00:30:01

I’d say I need a greater degree of independence. I might project that on other people people and say oh no no no to have a healthy relationship. You need this much independence me. Maybe people want a little bit more interdependence. They’re going to say this is what we need and so there is this trap. We fall into assuming that the way we do. Things is universally applicable right. Yeah how how do you manage. When a couple for example has one partner who requires more independence for their own fulfillment and the other is a little bit? Less independent is a little more interdependent. And maybe we could define those terms terms of independence. Interdependence and co-dependency I would always encourage the person the with that. That’s a little bit more codependent relationship to and have a look inside of what what exactly. What are they so worried about you? Know what is it that they’re scared about it. Are they scared of their partner cheating. Are these scared of that. You know their partner the loser partner. I’ve heard some people that are worried that their partner goes out like their partner. My eyes while they’re out. You know things like Oh. I don’t want you to go if you go like. I don’t know what’s going to happen so to really kind of examine why it is that you’re so nervous to let your partner go have a crazy night out with their friends or even just go of the grocery store without you and start working on that because a lot of the times. You know you don’t WanNa fall into the travel like a self-fulfilling prophecy where you’re so worried that your your your partner’s going to cheat on you that you kind of dry them to cheat. Well you you’ve connected codependence in fear. So what does it mean to be co dependent and are we codependent to some degree in every relationship. I think I think yes I think we are. I mean by me turn a relationship. You know it’s all about giving and taking so. There’s something that you need that. Yeah you’RE GONNA get from that other person so you depending on that to get that need met from that other person. So yes there. Is that that dependency but in terms of of where it’s like. Oh my God. I can’t do anything without this person. You know like those friends that you have that once they have a boyfriend you never see them alone again. Like that’s that’s probably not the healthiest theus thing. What does it mean to be codependent? I think what it means to be codependent. Well it depends. I think there’s like a healthy way. We like we talked about. And then there’s that unhealthy we’d be dependent where you it’s fear base you know like you’re just constantly worrying you’re constantly freaking freaking out that you’re going to lose your partner or like I said that they’ll cheat on you and then you start acting in ways that start becoming like irritating to your partner and like like that amazing fun passionate sparked that they had with you is suddenly like. Oh my God. This is too much. You’re dependent on me. You know like you’re smothering. So yeah I think in that balance in between the interdependence where you have some degree of independence and and some degree of of counting on one another exactly yeah and knowing that your degree of dependence on your partner may be different than there is in the way you express your support might be different to be exactly the same right right. I always have people do interviews in the early stages of the relationship even just to talk about time. How much time do you WANNA spend together? How much time do you need to allocate for work? How much time do you want to allocate okay for friends? And what does spending quality time actually look like to you right. Yeah I totally agree and I really love That when couples and that actually brings me up to one one of the tips that I had a holiday kings is constantly checking in with each other on on. What are those needs that you have? You know what what is that you’ve liked and In particular with this activity in terms like making making the holidays a little kinky and unsexy I thought of this activity call leg the naughty and Nice Lewis. Yeah so not or Nice. You know. It’s not one or the other into into Naughty and Nice so what I would essentially want you guys to do. Is it to you know. Mika really like hot sexy Dinner maybe like some candles. Get it all romantic at yourself in the holiday spirit and then together like Pablo been that bottle of wine nine or that bottle. You’ve been that special bottle even saving for his special moment and you’re GonNa make a list for each other you’re GonNa put down like the Nice List Win Win which you will list everything that that person all of the Nice things that that person has for you throughout the year. Yeah and what I really like about that is is that not only. Are you showing your appreciation by doing that. You’re also like positively reinforcing that behavior. Whatever it is? They liked that they did. And by reinforcing that behavior you’ll increase the likelihood of them repeating that behavior again and same thing with the Nautilus. Yes and by Naughty.

00:30:01 – 00:35:11

It’s not like things that you did bad in the relationship but over the last year it’s more like all those hot sexy moomins that Oh you like to throughout the year where you got to reflect back and it’s almost kind of its own little foreplay you know so you start thinking you start like listing things like you you know. I really like the way you melt my proc- When you pegged me that night I gave you the best orgasm and I would love for that to happen happening again. I haven’t stopped thinking about that or I really love the way you went down on me at the airport parking lot so you get an a place where you’re able to see what that partner has liked over the past year. You know what needs that. You have been meaning that. Maybe you didn’t even know that they were meeting and also kind of get into this hot little sexy intimate moment that you can use to get your Christmas freak on you know. So what if you’re in a place where it hasn’t been the sexiest year new. Having trouble coming up with those memories are either. Because you don’t remember specifically or it hasn’t been you know the most memorable time sexually actually could you look forward and instead make your naughty list. I love that I love that. Yeah I think that’s a great idea like you make your list however it is you WanNa make it to where one you know you try to find that appreciation but also like an aspirational list. Because at the same time you know when you’re you’re like thinking of things that you’ve enjoyed because he wanted to happen again so if it’s something that hasn’t happened on your naughty list you can think of like you know when I saw you wearing that outfit. It made me think that I would really love for us to do this in the future. That can be part of your naughty list that that’s a great tool and people can always adopt these tools to suit suit their own needs like we never. I was wearing when it gives somebody something to do that. It’s going to be an added layer. Sure and I also find that people are like do I have to do the work and the reality is yeah. Yeah I got to do it. You can’t complain I always say you can. You can make excuses or you can make change. And you can’t really have both you can’t exactly you have to want to improve your sex. I do want to improve communication and you have to want to like be attracted for your partner. You’ve given so many tools. Ask for one more before we go coming into the holidays. Yeah we’ve got the kinky played gunman audion Nice list. There’s so many things you can do. Holidays by the way aside from from just doing the whole holiday movie Netflix and chill or Disney and thrusting anthrax thrust sued for that. Yeah you can incorporate all these little kings and fetishes into into your sex and the holidays like one thing that I think aside from the obvious watching Christmas themes porn you can meet your own Christmas themed porn. It’s like the second best holiday for row play from Halloween. You know especially if you got like Santa Field. I knew please explain what Santa Santa Fill. Ya is where you just get turned on Santa Claus you know so either you can have your partner partner just up a Santa Claus or Mrs Claus and have them come down to me or you can just come down there you know. Like whatever and the Alf off the L. definitely do the L. thing could we do a sex toy game where it’s Elf on the shelf. Which is some kids game where the Elf moves every night and they have to behave? Can we do that with sex toys where we’ve moved a sex toy every thing like that. Yeah you know you can have the candy cane dildos or you can incorporate impact play that something. You’re you’re into by bending over Santa’s lap and getting that spanking or that candy caning you deserve or being a naughty girl all year. I love it with sex. Soy’s to like I know you can do also lube like flavored. Lou like peppermint gingerbread astro gliding has a strawberry one that is really popular everyone in love. And roughly a lot of people who are into the cuckold right now. Oh can we talk briefly about what the CA- called is yes. So essentially the cuckold is is where typically man or anyone who identifies as a meal will get off to die of having their partner be pleased by someone else usually someone someone who’s more successful or someone with a bigger cock you know and while they helplessly so what I thought it would be a fun way to Adelaide a little Christmas to that. What would it be to role? Play to where. You’re like a helpless Santa while watching Mrs Santa get banged by like criminals. I feel like if anyone there’s still believes in Santa Claus. We’re in big trouble right. Yeah and also one thing that I got really shocked in last year was the the amount of Jairo field area that is out there which is when people are turned on by like things that are religious. So if you’re if you’ve got a little bit of that or you’re feeling a little divine intervention cell’s amazing like baby Jesus but plug attain intervention.

00:35:11 – 00:38:13

It’s like it’s a it’s a sex toy shop that is geared towards the that religious king. So yeah there’s a bee gees about plug and I thought for Christmas Eve. You can pop it into your lover and I’ve been I pop it out busy holiday season so I want to close by asking you aside aside from the fun stuff in the cake and you know the celebratory sex sex and stuff in the air. How do you take care of your your mental health over the holidays the day’s winner some things? You can set an intention to do right now. Well immediately set those boundaries you know set those boundaries. No especially. Because we’re going to be visiting family you know we’re going to be visiting family. Mamie your partner’s family that you don’t get along with so you need to know exactly what your boundaries he’s our and communicate that with your partner so if something happens while you’re out and about you know you’ve already a protocol for that and it won’t be like like Oh my God. I was expecting them to stand up for me but they didn’t say well. You didn’t talk about that you know. They’re not they’re not going to know about that. And another thing is who check in with yourself of of. How am I doing this week? Content with my life right now and most importantly are there any regrets that I have I worked with a lot of clients at this point and and the one thing that’s consistently that I have to work on. Is that feeling of regret that I didn’t do this. I didn’t do that or I feel like I missed out on that foam mode fear of missing out and so if there are any regrets you’ve had you know at the end of the week. What is that you can do moving forward to get that need? Met and that will just make he like a healthier person and you’ll be able to put up with all the drama that comes out with the holidays. And like I said you know just communicating with your partner. About how do you want to handle certain situations that happened during the holidays. It’s going to be so helpful to avoid fights and how they can support you because inevitably stuff will come up and you want to be specific about your needs. There’s so much stuff here. Hopefully on Canc this holiday season but I think there’s some really useful tools that last year at the year regardless of you know your gender identity regardless of sexual orientation and regardless of your relationship status within your single partnered in a triad consensually NAMANANGA MR monogamous. So thank you so much for being here. I’m sure everybody is going to check out your youtube channel and follow along. We’re going to post all those links so very much appreciate appreciate you so much. It’s been a pleasure obsessive you. I’m so excited to be here. And thank you all for having me awesome. So a big thank acute to desire resorts for their ongoing support of this podcast. Make sure you check them out at desire experienced folks. It’s been a good one wherever you’re at hope it’s I really happy day by you’re listening to the sex with Dr Jazz podcast improve your sex life improve your life.