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Sex with Dr. Jess


September 13, 2019

How to Deal With Insecurities, Neediness and Apologies

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Sex therapist Shamyra Howard joins Jess to talk about how to have happier relationships — with yourself, family, friends and partner(s). She talks about how to apologize effectively and why your partner doesn’t want you to be sorry — they want you to be better. Shamyra also offers strategies to:

  • Manage jealousy and overcome insecurities
  • Validate your partner and differentiate between validation and affirmation
  • Understand differences as opposed to simply accepting them

Check out Shamyra’s Sexuality Superhero feature here.

See some more of Shamyra’s pearls of wisdom below…

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Potential is great, but. That’s it!! Most people have potential, but what they do with it counts most! Monday Night Raw

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This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

How to Deal With Insecurities, Neediness and Apologies

00:00:05 – 00:05:03

You’re listening to the sacs with Dr Jess podcast sacks and relationship advice. You can US tonight. Hey Hey just a riley here and very excited today to be joined by sexologist Chamara sex therapist sexologist logistic extraordinaire the creator of the US your mouth conversation starter cards. Let’s talk about those. Do you want me to do with my mouth eight and so that was the first thing my husband said when he saw the question he got the first Cardi Pool was use your mouth and he’s well what I have to do and I say clearly. You didn’t read the direction car so these are conversation starter car so as you mentioned I’m a sex therapist right on the green couch. is my practice and and what I realized is that couples talk about sex or their relationship. What they usually talk about is what we’re going to eat for dinner tomorrow. The kids need this for school. Oh All we’d have to do this. These bills are paid for the business stuff and so when I ask them stuff about their relationships and even sex they’re like looking at each other like do you know this do. I know this into and so these cars are really a fun way to help them. Increase the intimacy in and out of the bedroom so they are really fun. I’ve sold over eight hundred of these these cards eight hundred decks yes of these cards and I keep getting lots and lots of good reviews so they create great stimulating conversation to help you get to know your partner better sir. Can you give me an example. Yes so one of the questions on the card. one of them is how’d you witness. Affection growing up another question region is Do you know what turns you on. Tell me what turns you on. What do you like to be touched so those are two really different questions. How did you witness affection growing going on right. I’m not even sure how to answer that so that the reason why I remember that that’s one is because that one came up recently when someone talked about they used these cars date night in that question came up in a realize that that is where the root of their sexual repression came comes from or the shame around sex because they didn’t witness a lot out of affection and it was always like sex is supposed to be really really private and scary and shameful and oftentimes this is familial but it can also be cultural cultural my family jokes about how the generation ahead of us they hug. They do a lot out hug. What is you know you stick their but outside your body’s don’t get too close together. Oh yeah that’s the Churchill we call that the joke in our church church argues your butt out you pat him on the back and you move forward right and I’m trying to think about growing up my parents and what I witnessed with affection now. My mom would hug and kiss me not a whole lot. a little bit uh-huh. My mom did a lot of communicating with me. Though my dad definitely wasn’t very affectionate he still isn’t in fact. We do huggy kiss goodbye. Whenever I leave ’cause as those who listen no he lives in my home and he’s really nice about waiting knowing when and I’m leaving because he always wants to say goodbye before I leave. It makes me a little sad though as he gets older I wonder why because we’re not affectionate oh at all but he does like to give me hug before I leave this week yeah and I noticed that he I don’t know if how he’d feel about this. I noticed that he also gives my my husband gives him. MMA Hug okay before he leaves and I imagine growing up and I could be wrong. I should ask my dad. I don’t imagine men were hugging him. when my family I grew grew up in a family that did not hook my husband’s family. We Hug and kiss each other goodbye. We greet each other with a hug and kiss when we see each other and so you know I like the but my family of origin we didn’t do that. We probably would knocked each other out and so so we’ve got questions about your childhood which I think are so revealing especially when it comes to affection or messages around sex questions about what you want. Give me one more from the US. Your metal will another one is about tell me about your fantasies. What’s erotic to you. Where do you like to be touched. I think I said that one and and I’m drawing a blank because it comes with like fifty cards in this first deck. This first one comes with about fifty cards Let’s just remind ourselves and this is something I run into to all the things I write. I forget them right because we’re constantly creating new content. We’re constantly writing. People say do all the things that you tell people to do unlike dear God no. I’ve I’ve written five bulges. That’s over three hundred thousand words just in the books and then you do press ups every day and then you’re in exactly so no.

00:05:03 – 00:10:03

I do not do all the things in my books. You know you have have you answered. All the questions on your fifty cards deprive we. We have answered almost all of them so the first time we did it. We got stuck and we had it took us a day. It took us a night and a day to come back to it because we were like listen. We need to come back to this card it was. I don’t even remember which card it was but we got stuck on it and we were both. I’m like look doc boat. You knew this about me well. That’s a great example of how there’s no one way to use conversation starter cards whether it’s the use your mouth cards or something else that you’re using on your own and it’s okay if you get stuck so. I I really WANNA. Try these cards. I’m going to order myself. Dag and maybe we’ll have brandon. Allen and usually Brennan is here to co host but he couldn’t make today so maybe he and I will answer some of these on air. I think you’ll like him and we do ship the Canada but so I think you’ll definitely like the cards okay. Hey Mark Question Sir interesting excellent. Now there are a couple of topics I want to cover because you are therapist you specialize in sex and relationships and recently you posted about what a real apology looks like and now every single one of us has screwed up at some point in time. Many of us are struggling to make amends for something something we’ve done who whether it’s something you did this morning like be dismissive of your partner when they were in need of some sort of infant connection next ex-. Gore we’re seeing in a hotel right now and we are sharing a hotel room but a wall and so we we are getting to know each other intimately through it’s so how do you apologize if you messed up this morning or if it’s something more serious maybe maybe maybe you cheated yeah and your partner already knows and you moved on. You’ve you’re moving onto making amends. What makes for a good college that’s great? That’s a great question in so the the cheating apology is a bit different so as you know there’s so many different types of apologies and there are some edges don’t work in some that really do work but there’s even research around apologize wise important in relationships and what it does and to the brain like whenever you hear an apology from your partner. It changes the brainwaves right. That’s because apologies are very repetitive. and they’re you know they’re they’re so much research and all the reasons literally really you really don’t find this a lot of research but all the research around apologies really state the same thing so. I kind of believe the research and I do this personally to. It’s it’s hard. Apologies are hard in there a couple of reasons why it’s hard for people to apologize and so one of the reasons why it’s hard for people to apologize is because you don’t. WanNa seem inadequate or you don’t want to seem like a failure so the ego gets in the way of apologizing because you’re admitting to a fault and who wants to be wrong right I’m never wrong so it. Doesn’t it make you more likable. When you apologize it does in so that’s why policies thank you so much because that’s why apologies are so oh so so effective because it does make you more likable and they’re nice and I’ve even heard one of your previous podcast or you may even said this on a post where where the research shows that being kind is so important relationships in so that’s apologies do it’s. It’s nice. You’re being nice to your partner so I’ll also you want. I want an apology isn’t so let’s say you do something to your partner cheating. That’s different and talk about the difference with that right so let’s say you do something to do your partner and they are like you know what. I felt really dismissed. When you just stop answering my text messages this this morning right knock knock and the person who you’re describing is too if you’re describing this to your partner in air like well? I don’t know why he felt dismissed. I always always do this. You know so like yeah but I did like you. Just left me hanging. I just felt really ignored. You really ignored me well. I didn’t ignore you. I wasn’t trying to ignore you but I had stuff to do so what the other person is doing is. They’re being really defensive in making it more about them than you’re making it about their partner that is not the way to apologize and so then when they say look you know. I usually turned into something else when you go into this circle when you’re not addressing the issue the issue is you ignored me right. I felt ignored north and you’re telling me no I didn’t do that. I always do this and I did. No that’s not and then you might say well. I wasn’t trying to ignore you so you need to just get over it. Oh okay so are those as out there like I’m sorry you feel ignored all non apology on non on apology apologies right. I’m sorry you fell ignored or something like that and so those are not the way to apologize so a good apology takes acknowledgement right.

00:10:03 – 00:15:00

It takes you to to be able to acknowledge that I hurt you. Even if it was your was your fault or not so basically an apology is sincere acknowledgment as some type of offense whether it was intentional or not in if you care about your partner being you care about their feelings you care about if whatever you did or said to them affected them negatively right and you want to do something to make amends and so that’s another part of an apology so you want to acknowledge analogy. You want to take responsibility for it. Of course you want to express the regret you want to repair and ask for forgiveness that’s right and so all of this is also backed by research until the most important part of apologizing is one admitting the mistake as soon as you admit that you made a mistake. It changes your partners brain. We so you want to admit that you made a mistake in the second. Most important part is the repair part. I how do you fix this right so you know sometimes you get people get into these habits where they always are for something. It’s like all sorry again. She fired again. Sorry again I’m married to a sorry person listen. Let me tell you something so being sorry for everything you know the person who over apologizes that’s not okay either you want because you want it to be sincere and you don’t want to you don’t want to just seem like okay you just apologizing for the sake of apologizing because some people people are very creative right and they get the hint. They’ve gotten a hint. I’ve seen this session where I’m sorry I did that in s you know it’s like okay but what in so that post at that you’re referring to. I say you know sometimes sorry isn’t enough. People don’t need to be sorry. They need you to be better so if you keep apologizing in saying I’m sorry sorry for the same thing. That’s not okay you want to apologize. Okay wow right. I’m sorry I ignored you. Not I’m sorry are you feel ignored and your apology should never come but should never come after I’m sorry I’m sorry but yes sorry but is a non apology the apology and it sounds like you’re making excuse and I think all of us when we when it comes to human behavior we believe we had a reason we acted the way we did and not the reason may have even been a good reason absolutely however that may not affect the outcome which is a negative a feeling or experience on your partner’s part so even if you didn’t mean to ignore or dismiss them if it made them feel like you know what you’re you’re away on a business trip. I was in the middle of texting. You and you just ghosted me in the middle. You couldn’t just right B. R. B. Vastly or going to work or something like that especially in the age of technology everyone poop whose technology but technology allows us to communicate in an instant and it allows us to communicate shorthand absolutely keeps US connected and disconnected but most importantly it keeps US connected in so in an apology for that you would definitely the way Ah we’re following. What research says an apology is and what we would. I witnessed because I do practice. Some of this stuff to what I witness is good apology. I’m sorry sorry I dismissed you. I didn’t mean to I I wasn’t trying to be dismissive. What I can do is make sure that I tell you I need to go or out finished just text you later. That is the repair part right so you heard the I’m sorry who accepted responsibility for you acknowledge that you hurt your partner. You didn’t use any defensiveness there and you talked about how you’re going to repair this. What are you going to do to fix this and that is the most one of the most important parts of an apology. How will bisbee different because the best apology is changed behavior? Can you say that again for the people in the people in the bag. The best apology is is changed behavior. Yeah I appreciate that so people don’t want you to be sorry. They want you to be better. Yes and if you WANNA be better you change your behavior right and that doesn’t mean you’re changing as a person Jason. No it just means that you’re going to be a little bit more respectful in the way you communicate if you did something else. You forgot to do something that you promised you do. It doesn’t mean in your changing who you are moving forward. It means that you’re GonNa follow through on your promises absolutely your commitments and if you care about your partner that you care about their the way they feel by your behavior and that’s I usually just think relationships are all about adjustments and we don’t agree on everything and that’s okay. Oh that’s another topic you cover so to wrap up the apology. I really appreciate eight. That’s so acknowledged the hurt take responsibility and expressed regret regret and then look for a way to repair moving forward but you brought up something else which is about understanding right. We’re non supposed to agree to disagree right but agree to understand you posted about this the other day.

00:15:00 – 00:20:02

What does this mean don’t agree to disagree agree to understand so that it in a nutshell right so usually like you’ll hear people they’ll get into an argument and I use usually ally in his B usually for a lot of you but so let’s say a couple of wasn’t about washing chicken right in his you know like you know yes. They are washing their wash advocate not all of us and so that might be the issue in a relationship. You might have a partner who doesn’t wash their chicken galler getting into this argument about listen. I really want the chicken washed you. You’re not watching a chicken. It makes me feel weird. It makes me feel nasty dirty. Are you telling your partner. They’re dirty like when you don’t want the chicken in there like no. I’m not watching the chicken the chicken if you wash it it. You’re more susceptible to getting bacteria. Uh Sam Manila and all of that was like well. I really needed chicken wash and so he like you know what and they’re like. No is not going to give you bacteria. I’ve been doing this forever and Dan you know unless agree to disagree. So what that does is nothing when you agree to disagree with that usually means is look. I’m tired of talking about this. I don’t WanNa hear no more. I’m about to go do this chicken you can however. I’m GonNa do it and whatever however you feel about it. That’s okay in so what that doesn’t that doesn’t change your partners brainwaves because now you probably you you know you’re at a crossroads. Now is like okay. They’re not listening to meet again in so when I agreed to understand that could go way differently if you both third disagreeing on Washington chicken or not and you’re like well when I grew up. My grandmother washed the chicken. She washed all the meat before we go and we bought that the way you’re supposed to do it and it makes me feel safer. It makes it feel like it’s safe to eat when it’s clean and if I was a partner who wanted to understand is show that I understand that versus this missing missing my partner with agreeing to disagree. I was like Oh wow so. That’s it you feel better. You feel safer when the chicken is washed. Now I understand and then you like yet and I understand that you feel like if we wash the chicken we’ll it’s not safe because of the bacteria and I get that as well and I think it’s important that we can both disagree. We don’t have to agree that. It’s safe or unsafe but we can definitely understand and why the other person feels that. I like that and basically whoever’s making the chicken gets to decide. I may understand your perspective but if you want your chicken wash the kitchen and cook that chicken usually cook it but what that does is it changes the conversation in the relationship so now it goes from back and forth this circle circle this cycle this dance to more. Oh okay now I get it. I still don’t agree with that but you don’t have to agree. We don’t have to agree with each other but we definitely definitely needs to understand each other. If we are going to create some type of cohesion in relationship I liked that you used an issue as simple as washing check ’cause they’re so simple. All the issues are usually so simple right and so if we were to apply this to something else. Let’s say I want to go out with friends after work and my partner wants me to come home Let’s let’s take my situation. That is not actually my situation. I think he’s happy when I go out with friends right. Get Out of here but we don’t have kids so kids aside because let’s let’s make it a couple with kids right so. I want to go out for drinks after work with my friends or with my coworkers and my partner wants me to come home and be with the kids. We have a babysitter fitter so it’s not as though I need to come and take responsibility but my partner feels you know what you should be home with the kids you. We need to spend more time with the kids. You need to spend more time with the kids. How do we come to an understanding on that one so that’s the different right so you need to spend more time with the kids. There’s a lot in that statement. You know you need says the are. The campaign is are you. You’re saying it’s what’s behind me needing to spend more time with the kids and so I think that’s where we start like okay. I WANNA go out. You want me here. What’s going on like what’s going on the and you figure out where do we. How do we do. How how do we meet in the middle with this because I really want to go out. Is there a need that the kids have that. I need to be fulfilling right right now. Have the kids express some kind of discontent with me not being here or do you really want me to be here right and so that’s where we need to start you need to be here with the kids is do. I need needs to be with the game are you sick is there’s something going on and all of that needs to be taken into consideration because then we fall into another slippery slope of Control Right in manipulation appellation is so we don’t. We definitely don’t want to do that but we want to. We want to be able to say what we need and if it’s you need to be here with the kids then it’s you know the kids. Kids said they really miss you. That’s why I’m leaving here Friday. The kids say they really miss you and they like to spend more time with you and so you know those are your kids and you probably will will. Oh definitely spend more time with your kids tomorrow at uconn whenever the kids will survive. Do you see that often where one parent uses the children to try and control and another parents absolutely instead of saying.

00:20:02 – 00:25:06

I you know being vulnerable in saying you know I really would like to spend more time with you. They put it on the kids because people are way more softer turf with their kids right right. Also it seems like a responsibility Austin. Absolutely I really appreciate that agreeing to understand stand as opposed to agreeing to disagree so we we’ve learned to apologize. We’ve agreed to understand now. I WanNa talk a little bit about validation and and how you validate your partner and how we all need validation in the context of a word that comes up often and ensure sure you see it in practice neediness. Oh Yeah one partner accuses their partner of being needy and I’m of course of the mindset that we are all media anything mindset. We’re born needy right and so we’re born like that as children so when we when we’re born we come out looking for nurturance right so when a when a baby is born they can they can live with food for a specific amount of time. They’ll die sooner if they don’t get that nurturance in that connection from from some person a human and what we don’t realize as we grow older that we don’t stop looking for that level of for that nurturance although we live in a culture where it’s I don’t need nobody type situation but that’s a whole other situation but we still need people right. We need each other where biologically wired for human connection. It’s an evolutionary evolutionary need now you would not be your as a human human race without another human being exactly and forget the reproduction but the social aspect humans have not historically survived without mountain on we can’t do it. We cannot live without each other people. It’s really true that people die of loneliness. That’s a real thing because we need. We need that like like people like elderly people or people who are older adults. They live longer the more human connection they have been. That’s research base as but you’re right. We’re all needy in so I do. Hear people say you know they’re just so needy like they always want me around and it’s like yeah because they formed an attachment with you and that’s what we do like we grow together in a relationship we form attachments with each other in so when we talk about validation in neediness those are two different things right right so validation is a form of what we need in a relationship from my partner and it’s not like. Oh you look very beautiful today and I think people get validation affirmations nations and all of that stuff mixed up a little bit you know is not oh you look good but it carrying about your partner’s feelings their opinions with they care about right. It’s validating them. As a person is acknowledging their existence. They’re being and we don’t realize that we do that outside of the relationship a lot of time with other people but when it in the relationship people usually say I don’t see why you need validation people know on with you so something that usually comes up is social media right people wanting to be seen or their partner to validate their existence their relationship on social media and I’ll hear people saying I don’t need to post you on social media. The people know where together or no they know you know where together they don’t need to know yes. They like everything else. That’s important to you on social media. But why can’t you post me. That’s validation so validation is security in relationships would that communicates to your partner is own. They really do admire admire me. All they really do want me here. They really do respect me. They really want other people to know that I am a part of their life and so that’s what validation is it’s. It’s when your partner does something. Will you acknowledge they that they are well. They are good person not necessarily they did something good so what’s the difference offense between validation and affirmation so affirmations. You know your firming your partner. You’re giving them so like there’s words of affirmation right. That’s that’s what we call. Some people call that a love language words of affirmation or form of validation so words of affirmation. Are Oh my God you. You really really do really great research. You write really well. I really appreciate how you clean up the house my goodness you did this. This is amazing. I don’t know anybody. How do you do this like you. I really love the way you think so those that’s affirmation. That’s affirm your partner. Validation on the other hand is how are you at knowledge. You’re partners existence as a person as a whole right so not necessarily lead affirming. Maybe one thing that they do but you care about their feelings. So you are going to apologize to them right. You are going you are going to seek to understand them. Versus just agreeing or disagreeing with them. It’s carrying about them as a whole is caring about the things that they care about so validation is oh.

00:25:06 – 00:30:01

You’re having his party at work and you want me to comment. I don’t really you WANNA come but I’m GonNa go because you care about this. Validation is oh you painted a thing and people are gonNA come. See The thing that you painted okay. I’m GonNa go and support you because I I believe in you. Validation is oh you started a new business. I’M GONNA promote this business on all of my mediums to so that other people can see this as well so validation finish disapproval. Is Your approval in your acceptance of your partners being. I love all of those examples and is there a way we can validate our partner every single day. Yes you ask them right so you know that’s another thing too. When people are like you know I don’t know what to do and so one of the things you do. Is You ask your partner. How can I love you you better today or how can I be a better partner but also you’re in a relationship with them so you’re paying attention to what they’re doing right so you invalidate your partner if your partner feeling down. I don’t know sometimes my partner. My husband will go to the store. Sometimes if I’m like if I look fluster he pieces that right and so what he does he’ll come back with some of my favorite things right which is an orchid. He’ll like the other day he was like Oh. I got you a new plant in validate because he realized that I was molested. My feelings were all over the place and he knew that this is something that I like any other. Necessarily have to be something that you spend money with you. Can you can validate your partner by by by seeing that they’re in a tight space or they need help or asking. Hey I see you look overwhelmed. What do you need help with. Validation gene is also paying attention to your partner in anticipating their needs and carrying them out for them to it’s interesting because as you run through these list of things. I’m sure a lot of people are thinking. Oh actually I can do that or I do that or my partner does that and then. I also think there might be who are thinking my God. This sounds like a lot of stuff half. This sounds overwhelming but it doesn’t have to be. It can be little tiny things that you do for your partner. So one thing I know Brandon does for me is he’ll. He’ll stand up for me not speak for me but if there’s something going on where someone isn’t showing me respect he’ll say talk to us. Yes yes right. Absolutely I remember once. I don’t know if ever told the story we were young and I was walking down the street which is the Big Long Street in Toronto downtown and and someone from a construction site said something harassing to me because I was walking ahead of Brandon so they didn’t see him and I say that because they don’t tend to harass women as much when there’s a man with them so he something super sexual and Brandon turn to whoever was closest and said get your forman. Go Get your format and he said Oh no no. I’m sorry man but I didn’t know she was with you. I’m so sorry and he’s like didn’t know she was with me. You’re apologizing to me. He said if you have something something to say. Don’t talk to me talk to her. Maybe that’s a bit of an extreme example but I always know that he’s got my back embezzle allegation. Oh my Lord I could announce facts and he demands that other people respect as well. I couldn’t feel more loved. I know how much he loves me and to be clear he would not buy me flowers. He doesn’t uh-huh percents he doesn’t surprise me within which you probably don’t eat this stuff from you know and you know in the beginning. I thought I did because society tells me man maybe with previous partners that was something they did and I had to realize that it was time for me to adjust my expectations and not look for every little possible thing. This person could do do for me. Yes and that’s also one of the challenges with working with people and hearing couples stories is that if I were to look at the last ten couples who told me their stories about how their partner makes them feel important and validated. I could say oh well. Brennan doesn’t do fifty percent of those things ’cause there’s ten men and he’s only one man he’s the man but he’s one person so part of it is about making your partner feel validated asking them what they want communicating what you need exactly likely and then and then also being flexible and realizing that you can’t have everything and you don’t need anything and also your one partner can’t give you everything. Can you give them everything Eh. I absolutely don’t plan on it absolutely not and he doesn’t demand that of me good. I and I know that over the years. I’ve had to ask myself at times. Are you being too demanding especially with a partner who so eager to please you right. I’ve had to stop his yeah this and oftentimes our demands are rooted in in our own insecurity as securities. Oh my goodness because we need. We need that reassurance accepts. We need to give it to ourselves. That’s so true so so getting over your insecurities is about giving yourself the reassurance you need not necessarily asking your partner to help you get over them now.

00:30:01 – 00:35:21

They can support. You can’t support you but it’s your insecurities into in this society the social media culture there i. I don’t think there’s no there’s not one person that has an insecurity. I remember there is a rapper who they were all self conscious just the first to admit it until we we ought he wears at least one of his watches because I’m so glad Brandon’s not here because he’d go on and on and on you know just with some lyrics I love it so we will probably have to turn into the radish anyway but we all have insecurities and we all struggle with them until it social media being at the forefront of many of our lives that does not help our insecurities so a lot of us as you say we turn to our partner. Horwitz so many demands on what they need to be doing what they should be doing and what they’re not doing it and he’s like okay. But what are you doing. How are you dealing with these insecurities right. What are you you doing and so a lot of doing the work on ourselves right and can we even name our own insecurities like I’m thinking about if I had to openly right now say hey what I’m insecure. You know why we can’t we can but you know why and this is one of the first steps in being able to get over insecurity or being able to accept them is being able to acknowledge him. The hardest part is acknowledging them because we don’t want to write but we see on when they come up but you don’t. WanNa you don’t WanNa say out loud. What you’re insecurity is Oh for example. You know so if I thought my Butler’s too big which is my struggle because my buddies not big you know but it’s not small okay. It’s all right for me Okay okay all right but if I was too big. I’m not going to help people. You know my butts. The gray and I hate it however when I see somebody smaller but is gonNA probably bring up some stuff like girl that look at them with that small but it looks so good on them and look at you this big old floppy anyway. You know what I’m saying so if you were to ask someone like what are you insecure about is. They’re probably GONNA. Take a while to answer that because we don’t really really talk about that openly with people because it’s an insecurity right and I think it’s quite a relationship when you can yes and matere absolutely absolutely like been able to tell Brennan what I’m worried about or what’s really eating at me helps to make sure that it doesn’t come out in an untoward way right because you’re saying Oh oh I might you know criticize my own but when I see this other but but you might not even you might go even more untoward and just criticize the way that person looks guess and we do that ally how he are Torius with it. Yes we’ll or you’ll find something else to criticize or you see they’re small but you’re jealous other small butter your envious of it and then you start talking about their shoes which probably beautiful like her feet or for those. I’m sorry no she looks great no shoes and so to say but and Sodas Yours is so that’s another part of with insecurity rights being able to face it like when everything that we don’t like you’ve gotta be able to face. You’ve got to be flexible to with your insecurities ladies and except it’s this is so cliche but accept yourself first because in a world that’s not very forgiven very accepting of everybody else once. If you start looking for acceptance outside of yourself you start getting way more insecure because it doesn’t work like that so you have to be able to say you know what I’m okay with this but another parted today is accepting other people’s greatness right in celebrating their greatness when you see something great in somebody else acknowledged. They’re all yes. She’s rocking it. Jess Iraqi your hair today. Those areas look really great. I love how your address is fit to your body right. I always don’t own anything anything baggy but they but you look great in so being able to acknowledge that might help me if I have a specific type of insecurity that my buddy sticking out to but I don’t know why I keep using but maybe I’m Arizona insecurity about my buddies never but you know acknowledging it and also understanding that somebody buddy else’s successes or struggles are not your own like we all have our own pads right in acknowledging that your the way you get yours. Is your way in the way. I get to mind in his mining. We’re on different paths so we’re GONNA have a different story and that’s okay. I love the power you’re placing an admiring and celebrating other people so I challenge you right now listening to think about someone that maybe you’re critical love or maybe it’s you know you know. You’re a little bit jealous of them and look at something you admire in them and really ask yourself if you can feel good for them because I know I need this. Sometimes in business to celebrate other people’s accomplishments feel feels so good when you do it generally when you see other people successes whether it’s in relationships or at work or with health author with their bodies or with their families or with a hobby that you share to really look at someone that maybe you’ve been a little critical of or you feel a little jealous of and see if there’s something you can find that you want to appreciate in them and see how that flips your own jealousy or insecurity absolutely on its head and then the second piece.

00:35:21 – 00:37:39

I WANNA leave you with. We’ve been talking about insecurities and I was thinking. Can I talk about a top insecurity of mine right here right now and the truth is I’m not ready to Brandon and I do with Brennan but you know it. It is a lot just so you know you know I’m not. I’m just a human being. I’m pretty sensitive human being so to even share on a public platform like this may seem like it’s easy or natural for me but it’s not always easy but I will do it on my own and I challenge you to do the same mm to think about one of your insecurities because naming that insecurity even just to yourself can I think shatter and lessen the power of that insecurity absolutely by by eradicating some of the shame associated with it because I think we feel a lot of shame in every every insecurity salute libido so I challenge you to try those two things right now to celebrate someone else’s success especially someone that maybe you look at with aside I and and to think about one of your insecurities just to begin to acknowledge it and then once you acknowledge it you you maybe can do some work on it and I promised to do the same so I thank you so much for being being here. Folks can find you on your website at yes. My website is on the green couch dot com and your instagram because you give pearls of wisdom on Instagram to you. It’s at sexologist Shemaya as H. A. M. Y. are a perfect and you have your use. Your Mouth Conversation Starter cards available on your website is yes. Those are available on out the your mouth cards awesome. Thank you so much to bear being here Katie for having me. Thank you for listening and thank you again for desire. Resorts in cruises uses for your ongoing support. Actually you’re going to be a desire aren’t one way light on January the week of January thirteen and you’re going to be teaching some sessions. Yes I am going to be teaching the light my fire in I breathe you workshops. ooh. Yeah go looking for those thank. He’s so much folks wherever you’re at. I hope you feeling great about yourself ready to take more action and be the best version of yourself have a great one. You’re listening to the sex with Dr Jazz podcast. Improve your sex life improve your life.