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Sex with Dr. Jess


September 18, 2019

How to Have Hot Sex in Long-Term Relationships

I was recently interviewed on the topic of long-term passion and how to keep your relationship sizzling after months or years of living together. This is my passion! I’ve been living with my partner, Brandon, for 18+ years and I’m still excited for every single day we get to spend together — in and out of the bedroom.

Listen to my podcast on The Science Of Passion In Relationships here and read below for some of the tips I shared in the interview.

If you want to keep your relationship hot over the long-term…

1. Make your daily interactions more erotic. 

You are not a light switch. You can’t go from talking about the mundane (e.g. your grocery bill or whether or not little Johnny is constipated) to tearing one another’s clothes off. So if you want more passion and excitement in your relationships, you’re going to want to weave eroticism throughout your day, week, and month.

Now this doesn’t mean every time I eat a banana, you need to offer sexualized commentary commentary (e.g. “oh yeah – you eat that banana”), but it means being more playful and flirtatious even as you deal with the mundane tasks of the day to day. Some ways to make daily interactions more erotic:

  • Hold hands, make eye contact and wish one another a great day every morning
  • Send thoughtful texts twice per week
  • Surprise your lover with hugs from behind
  • Sleep naked
  • Hold hands beneath the table
  • Flirt and tease
  • Kiss with tongue when you greet one another
  • Get excited and “wag your tail” when you come together
  • Pick a secret “kiss” word (kiss every time you hear your secret word)
  • Brush up against your partner’s inner thigh while driving
  • Compliment your lover every single day
  • Compliment your lover behind his/her back (to others)
  • Stare at your lover’s best assets — especially when you’re annoyed
  • STOP complaining about your body
  • Tuck a love note in your lover’s bag, briefcase or car visor
  • Leave a love note on the steamy mirror
  • Ask questions about dreams and big picture topics
  • Practice role rituals: a nightly ritual (e.g. playing a song, pouring a glass of wine, getting undressed) to signal that you’ve slipped into lover/partner role (as opposed to roommates, business partners or co-parents)
  • Ban technology for one hour per week
  • Play little pranks on one another

2. Take turns initiating sex.

It’s not uncommon for the task of initiating sex to become one-sided in long term relationships and this imbalance can take a toll in a very short period of time. If you want your partner to initiate more, here are a few tips:

  • Show and tell. Let them know exactly how you want it. ‘I want you to initiate isn’t as clear as I want you to light candles, kiss my neck and undress me slowly before going down on me.’
  • Take turns initiating and coming up with creative ways to seduce each other. Make it a game and be playful!
  • Tell them why you want them to initiate and offer encouragement. ‘I love the way you make love to me. And I want to know that you want me. When you come onto me, it makes me feel sexy and makes the sex so much hotter.’
  • Make requests – not complaints. Most of us wait until we’re frustrated to talk about sex and consequently, we don’t approach the conversation from a constructive, effective perspective. Talk about sex when you’re feeling good — not just when you’re feeling frustrated. ‘I would love you to throw me down on the couch or wake me with a kiss’ is going to be more positively received than, ‘You never initiate and I’m sick of doing all the work.’

3. Spend time apart to reap some of these benefits:

  • You create an opportunity to miss each other. When you miss each other, it can help to reignite the spark as your brains and bodies are reminded of the feelings you experienced when you first met.
  • You stop taking one another for granted. Time apart leads you to noticing your partner more – look, admire and soak it in!
  • A reduction in the number of silly, petty fights you have when you’re together all the time.
  • You have more exciting things to share and talk about when you’re together. You become more exciting when you’re apart, as you experience a sense of mystery.
  • You gain a sense of independence that can help to boost self-esteem. When you spend time apart, you don’t rely on one another to share tasks and you’re reminded that you can survive and thrive on your own.

For more benefits of spending time apart and advice on how to talk to your partner about how you spend/allocate your time, click here.

4. Use lube and toys! 

The slippery stuff makes sex more pleasurable (check out Astroglide Natural or Diamond Gel), increases the likelihood of orgasm and allows you to play with more positions and techniques.

Vibrator use is associated with a range of benefits. Many couples report that simply trying a vibrator encourages them to communicate about sex more openly. They’re more likely to talk about what they like in terms of speed, pressure, rhythm, angle and position when using a vibrator and this communication extends into other areas of their sex life and relationship.

If you’re interested in a couples’ vibe, check out the Pivot and if you want a toy that stimulates the clitoris and G-Spot simultaneously, consider the Nova. Save 5% at We-Vibe with code DRJESS.

5. When it’s time to get it on, begin with sensual touch instead of going straight to the genitals. This can encourage you to discover new pathways to pleasure and inject novelty into your sexual routine. Try one of these massage strokes:

Spider pulls are the perfect way to draw awareness and blood to the surface of their skin. Start with your fingers outstretched and the pads of your fingertips resting gently against their skin. Slowly and gently pull all five finger togethers into the centre with the lightest touch possible.

Rain drops produce a tingling sensation as you gently flutter the backs of your fingertips along their most sensitive regions. Start with their spine, underarms, shoulder blades and butt cheeks.

Finger Stripes allow you to draw erotic energy to a focused area of their body. Cover all five fingers in oil and run them in a straight line down the backs of their thighs, inner arms or abdomen. Then retrace your path using your middle knuckles on the back of your hand.

Palm Circles get the blood flowing to all the right places. Just be sure to cover your hands in a light massage oil before circling them over their chest, abs and hips.

Figure Eights allow you to explore your partner’s body with large sweeping sensations. Use two wet fingers to trace loops of figure-eight patters along their collarbone, arms and the sides of their breasts.

Learn more ways to pleasure your bodies! Check out our Drive Him/Her Wild video courses and learn from home — no pants or prerequisites required! Learn a few new moves on your own or watch with a partner to get their feedback on my suggestions — not two bodies are alike, so they can guide you to better understand their specific needs.