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Sex with Dr. Jess


June 21, 2019

Dating, Confidence, & Sex Appeal – A Burlesque Dancer’s Perspective

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IMG_2115Burlesque sensation, Pastel Supernova, joins Jess and Brandon to talk about her experiences with dating, love and relationships. She shares insights on building self confidence, loving your body, and overcoming nervousness and performance pressure.

Find out more about Burlesque Uni and Love Letters Cabaret here.

If you want to know more about Moontower Counseling, click here.

See Pastel in action below on Global TV’s The Morning Show below!

This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

Dating, Confidence, & Sex Appeal  A Burlesque Dancers Perspective

00:00:05 – 00:05:01

You’re listening to the sacs with Dr Jess podcast sacks and relationship advice you can use tonight. Welcome to the sex with Dr just podcast brought to you by desire resorts in cruises. I’m your co host Brandon wear, and I’m here to just Riley, your friendly sex and relationship expert. Joining us is pastel supernova, the founder and artistic director of love letters, cabaret, which I’ve heard is pretty edgy. That’s what they say. So what is love letters, cabaret love letters, cavalry is my burlesque on samba? All I have a I’ve been running for seven years now in Toronto, and it’s a, it’s a big showgirl revue. So when we think about burlesque, I think many of us, think about diverse body types in different types of beauty. Is that part of what drew you to burlesque has burlesque shifted the way you feel about your own body? Oh my goodness. I’ve been drawn to burlesque since childhood without knowing I grew up watching old, Hollywood films, and those dance reviews, always have been element of strip-teasers so much cabaret, gray RV, and the showmanship about it all was, what drew me to it. But very slowly started in classical dance eventually made my way there through an accidental booking. Somebody just thought that because I did pinup modeling and danced that I did Birla skin. Mccready bitch. And then the moment I did the show might life started to change completely. You are open in burlesque. You’re open to all kinds of bunny types, but you’re open to all kinds of people everything is so fluid and. Forward thinking, although they’re taking styles from the past like such old elements but they’re still opening people’s mind so much so that it’s considered me. Sure sexy in Lega, frowned upon way, because it’s too forward thinking for a lot of people, it’s not very labeled so echinacea that kin intimidate of you. But if you go in with an open mind, you’ll meet a world of characters that will continuously teach you through art through teasing in the show, but the performance themselves, if you, if you find when you start to get to know them. It’s, it’s a whole other world of study where you’re like, oh, wow. I’m a better human being right now. So it’s not just about how you feel about yourself. It’s how you interact with other people, and how you make them feel. Well, yeah, it’s all connected. The better you feel about yourself. The more beautiful, you could see other like you see other people beauty because you’re not bogged down by your own issues if you can just be like yet. I’m the shit. Oh my God. Look at all these other people there are so, yes. And you can actually listen to the stories instead of just Seattle be like I can do that. Can’t do that. I don’t like her. I don’t like him. I don’t like they who get whatever you’ll see all kinds of things. The beauty in it is that people are really unapologetic about what they are, and they’re going to tell you their story and they’re gonna show, you their fantasies, and sometimes it takes a few minutes to mullet, over some tapes, it takes a few days, but you learn the whole time, and it’s through pleasure and beauty. What did it feel like the first time you perform you said it was an accident in the U? I’ll take the money and do my performance. But I can only imagine the first time that you performed that like where you really nervous. Did you feel awkward? Was it smooth? How did you feel before? And after. I was a little bit nervous, but not because of the show or because of the strip tease, because contemporary dance a lot of times, people are going to give you a nude colored pair of panties say, let’s go do art so art for art’s sake. It’s nobody frowns upon it. Icy topless people on busts. Like adverts all the time, but it’s contemporary arts nobody minds. But if you add a smile, feather, some lipstick suddenly, you’re a hope. So it wasn’t so much that, but I knew all of that connotation, and I was dating someone who’s pretty conservative. I stole his car went out of town, a bunch of performers during tech totalled his car.

00:05:01 – 00:10:02

And then I did the show walked home. All you are all in from the get-go. So the answer is it felt like period Trenton Furet journal in it was it was freedom. It was because I knew there was nothing wrong. I was really more concerned about what people would think of me, one specific person would think of me after the performance of the performance was. So-so safe so pretty it was more beautiful than anything. It was more about, like breaking a rule with specific person that I knew in my heart was always so silly. So just like it did. So when you when you think about that’s an ex- obviously. Yes. Dating as burlesque dancer, do you find it a challenge, because I find for women were damned if we do, damned if we don’t, and then you’re in the special field, that maybe borders on sex work, but isn’t sex work, and all these different hierarchies. This is true. Yeah. It’s. It’s lame. But I think dating in general is lame because so many people just don’t tell the truth of the bat. So they’re all these facade. You have to filter through burlesque is cool because. It makes people show themselves right away. They can either deal or they can’t the biggest Ken of annoyances that they really get into the character like my performances in the persona on the fall of that in your like cool wicked. And then somehow when something gets a little bit more. You know, solid in terms of relationship, they expect that all just be for them. A lot of a lot of artistic input suddenly, somebody else’s the district, d’oeuvres, my work, and they have all kinds of advice for me. Wanna see all my photos and videos before a stream them out to people, which is silly because my work has been there before them. So I just it’s a control it turns into a control thing manipulation things, and people have tried to convince me that they’re, the only one that can handle, you know, my work, therefore, I should submit to, whatever it is the request is, which makes me wanna peel, their faces off. But well that, that’s really, you know, rooted in misogyny, and I think a rod, a full BIA yet that savior complex, right? And I think a lot of dancers, a lotta strippers deal with this guess you liked it in the beginning. It’s attracted you to me. But now you don’t want me do it. Or you want me to do it in a very limited dictated way. Yeah. You fall in love with me, and you fall in hate with me for the same reason. But I mean after a while is fine. I have found a lot of love in different ways and not that I was ever lacking in it. But I do find appreciation in other things that fill me more than just a partner now which is really interesting. And so fulfilling and I know how it sounds to people who aren’t in that groove. But it’s. My world is so much more textured now don’t really care. So you talk about people falling in love with the character, and you play this very sensual character, and as you said, you’re casting a spell, and I’m not sure if you’re familiar with Roxy delight love rocks. Yes. The Roxy and we’ve traveled with Roxy several times. And there’s just something in her. That is always so sensual. Yes, and standing next to her, I feel like I’m just not that I don’t feel attractive. I’m just not essential all the time every photo with Roxy is somehow she’s got the perfect angles. I don’t know if that’s a burlesque thing. But somehow, you just always know, how to look or how to pose perfectly. That’s a that’s a star performer skill. Is that what it is easing, which he does she has been since I discovered many years ago. She’s been doing it. With I think, with a full and open heart. So she really falls in love with people when she looks at them, even if it’s for a second, you feel that you, you can’t deny it. You see you’re like bam, so thinking about the people like you Roxy. How do you create sexiness? And playfulness in the mundane. I don’t live in the mundane, I, make sure everything’s interesting may not always be fun by, like I keep myself curious. Don’t like to. I don’t know if it doesn’t make me laugh. I’m out so Danta clothing. My home doesn’t look like a regular home.

00:10:02 – 00:15:02

It looks like showgirls den the feathers and costumes kind of strode about everywhere. But I have cooled friends at keep me excited and keep bringing things to the table that I didn’t think of I really think I’m the most boring, one of all of my friends, and they just keep me entertained. I wanna share it with everybody else. I know who doesn’t know anything about this world to be like, look, how crazy, this is come have fun. Let’s play. Thinking that, so, before you even meet somebody, do you think that your? How you exude. You’re like how how you carry yourself automatically kinda gravitates and pulls people in that are interesting like is, would you say that you agree with that or not really, if the lavish action said the more you embrace your persona? The more you embrace all the things you want to exude the more you’ll meet people that give you what you are giving. You know, it’s a great way to be like, oh, I’m not giving the right by. Oh, oh, look at all that energy. Yes, we’re on the same frequency. Let’s go. So if somebody’s, not there yet, where do you suggest? They began at my school. What do you teach at your school? I teach all kinds of Roddick dance at the burlesque Uni idiot with a run the school with another performer name Rosie may, and we teach from absolute beginners by that. I mean, not even bigger umbrella. But, like you’ve perhaps, never danced before or worked out, you come take our classes. And we have all kinds of erotic styles. We have workouts. We have burlesque we had some classes that are more campy and fun and other classes like floor were, which you’ll get into eventually, they’re amazing for your body because it’s there’s a lot of strength in it. But within that sweat, and, like grunt work. There is an element of contemporary like pulled answering styles in floor worked. So it’s quite a Roddick in its open in its bold. And even if you’re not great at first, it feels really good in it really does pull a different energy out of you. So some people come to just be able to be free from their day because they don’t have that in any part of their world. So if you wanna come and, sweat, and flirt with yourself in the mirror and spread your legs and actually do a choreography where would make you giggle, before, just like kind of, you know, take a breath, then that’s the place to do it. And for those who really get into it. We have more intense programs. We have a five week intensive that leads to a show. We have a ten week intensive we have different. Levels, the more you do it. The more you wanna do it the ones that, like really, really get into it and train hard, eventually, get on my love letters stage as a showgirl. So there are a lot of places to excel or to just be there for a while. And just, you know get it out. Bring your friends have naughty secret go home, giggle, perhaps perform for somebody else. And you do anything online for people who can’t make it to the city of Toronto, not yet. Okay. Coming soon coming soon, there will be some classes, and there will be I’m doing an creating a, a members only version to my website so that I can put out I like to do improv teases all over the house, so that it’s, it’s more like I guess I do Birlas, but I really do dance through lives. So let’s have fun. How do you want to clean your house? Do you want to clear has by just wiping your walls? Or do you wanna throw on some sexy song and just beyond say? Stay the eff out of that wall and just hair whip and swipe suddenly your house is clean, and your sweating and you feel good. And you just describe Brennan’s cleaning job much. So if you need somebody to. Yeah. I’m just saying, maybe I should come into tend to class boys, boys. Boys is for you, you need to come perform. So how many people would men have our attend your class, because if I’m listening to this, and I’m interested in going, and really trying pushing my boundaries am I going to be the only male in your class right now or it’s possible, it’s on the cusp because we have dropped in classes? So from what I know from what I’ve heard from the students, I think there are maybe a handful possibly five identifying men. But there are a lot of non binary people who come to our classes. There are a lot of identifying women you’re going to be more than anything you’re going to be surrounded by people in huge age range.

00:15:02 – 00:20:10

So like from nineteen to sixty five cool, it is really cool because all these people from different walks of life, come in, and they all share this. When? Really fun like hour or two hours in. Just just from what, what is said in class and how you take choreography notes you really get to, to see. Oh, different spectrum to me. It’s amazing. How you learn. What sexy is. When you’re around other people who are confident with their body to me when somebody carries themselves with confidence, whether you are nineteen or sixty five or older or younger, you exude this e this confidence. And there is an element of sex appeal. Sexiness that when you allow yourself to, to understand it into accept it. It’s like, wow, that’s really cool. So do you see a lot of that in your classes, once people are there? And they’ve, they’re enjoying the moment that that exists. Yes. Absolutely. Sexiness comes from self love confidence is I don’t really believe in confidence, I believe, in being okay. With feeling awkward and feeling. As you are. I identify as a total weirdo, I’ve gone through all kinds of works. And, you know, I just sometimes you’re like, okay, this is I’m the big glittery bucket in the corner, and that’s cool. Sometimes I feel like a bucket and to be okay with it’s unless somebody’s like, hey, you has much confidence that I don’t understand why. But it’s just ’cause you just accept what you are. And then you see that like I love to see young people with confidence because they’re so free of worry. I’ve the shit, my bills are paid life is great Woohoo here whip. And then there are other people who’ve gotten through some life, challenges, and that makes them not care any more about what other people think because they’ve got all these. They’ve gone through bigger worries. It really doesn’t matter what you look like just just that’s not what it’s about. So the moment you see self awareness. I feel like that person is breathing so deeply that you can breath with them, and that makes you feel better, and is there something people can do at home. Just to, to be more self aware to be more in their body to be more playful. He has play music dance like just take time for yourself. And, and it’s not all bubble baths. But, like I really believe in getting sweaty. Like if you really let it out, you can release some of that either pent-up tension. Or, you know, even even like good energy. It has to come out if your energy stays within you. It’s like milk and just rots like you just have to let it move through you and, and look in the mirror and say, yes, I say this all the time, and I know it sounds silly. But once upon a time in my youth, many, many moons ago. I had eating disorders and one of the first recovery exercises that you’re given in still look in the mirror and you say, I love you and you say, yes and you say, I forgive you to yourself in the mirror. And even when you don’t believe it your brain starts to react to those words. So the more you say to yourself, the more you open up. And if you feel great, and you say to yourself, can you imagine all of the energy, you just shoot back at you? And the really honestly I live by that. It’s, it’s the best and easiest and quickest and cheapest gift you can give yourself to just look in the mirror and tell yourself you love yourself. You can start with clothes on, and eventually work, your way up to taking them all off. Hopefully yeah, we’re just just looking at right after shower. Yes. Don’t even think about it just say the word. Yes. If you can’t get yourself to say, I love you just say the word yes, it has the same effect and feels a lot. I think less intimidating in a. Culture where we’re supposed to like ourselves but not too much. I think that’s really good advice. Just. Yes. Yeah. I saw my, my friend is a dry clean Taino banks in China. We is amazing performer, but ever since I met Taino me ten and we will find a reflection and just like check out and look at me and it’s amazing. We forgive me and I realize, oh, we forgive you, because you’re drag clean, because you’re this other worldly creature. We’ve put you beyond us. So why can’t I be another wurley cly creature in this? I don’t have to dress like you can have that same. Furrow shes energy right and self love because I think we allow a lot in camp. And when I say camp, I talk about the, the performance of self for folks. I know it was it was the theme at the gala camp, and I was on a new set the next morning, and they were talking about, why would the theme be camp and I explained to them it’s not camp like a tent pitching tents and tarps it’s camp like performance and going over the top.

00:20:11 – 00:25:07

And the reason we accessed those pieces of ourselves is because we want to, and we don’t have permission in real life. Yeah. Right. We want to look in the mirror and say, damn, I look at a really good makeup day on Saturday. My makeup. My hair were cooperating, but I can’t say it out loud. Right. I mean I can, but I’ve been told to show humility, and you can be humble and loving of other people if you love yourself in fact, you’re going to be more living of other people if you love yourself. I yes and I believe, humility comes from being that opened the more confident, you are on the more you can. Appreciate yourself. I think when you see other people go through stuff or experience, things that you’re not experiencing and some are positive some are challenging I think you. Are naturally open to appreciating where they’re at if you can love yourself truly you can totally. You have to accept the things that suck that, that’s so true. The more you like yourself more, you can look and say, oh, I have this flaw. Right. Or here’s something I struggle with. And sometimes you’re going to have to accept it. And sometimes you can do something about it. But if you don’t like yourself, you’re going to be in denial. And so there’s no growth. So I think that’s a, a great perspective. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Thanks for having me and sharing your energy. Where can people find you online online at just look for my name pastels for Nova dot com and look for a love letters Capri us. We’ll be going by boys boys boys, just saying boys boys during twenty seventh is the next show Brennan’s in town for that as. Your bucks. So you’d be a great burlesque dancer. I need some classes start there, your natural dancer, you dance to the base are due to the unlike a lot of your family members who danced travel. You know answer. The answer. The trouble something else. I’m not. No, it’s some sort of just passing and yet. Well, thank you again for being here. Thank you. I really appreciate pastels perspective. And I took some really important key messages out of this, this chat the first being the more you like yourself, more UC, beauty and others. And I find this is so true. This is true of your body. It’s true of your behavior. It’s true of the way you let your personality shine. I know the more I like my body, the more. I like other people’s bodies, the more I’m kind, the more likely I am to see the good in others. So if you want better relationships start with yourself. And I know I say this often, but whenever I hear people talking about, you know, lamenting the dating scene or talking about how relationships are so hard. There are plenty of people who are happy in dating and happy and relationship. So we do need to start with ourselves be kinder to yourself. Be nice to your body. Tell your body you love it smile. When you feel. Feel it or look at your body. And I loved Peissel’s idea of simply looking in the mirror in saying, yes, I would struggle with that I would have a hard time. Not feeling ridiculous. Looking at myself in the mirror and saying, yes, I’m not saying, I’m not going to do it. I just would feel silly doing it at first. And I suspect, I’m gonna all do it and report back by that after doing it a handful of times dozen times that something starts to change in your mind and you see things differently. It’s like this idea that you said about you have to love yourself before you can or see beauty in yourself before you can see beauty in others. I have a hard time thinking about that concept and I don’t want to finish my working day or through the day and think I’m great person. I’m beautiful. I have to think about things more specifically, I have to say, I am a nice person. I like myself just in my head. And I think that, that will start to change over time because this idea of you got to love yourself is so vague to me and you can like yourself and also not always love your own behavior are not always love a choice. You made, and I think that’s part of really liking yourself being okay with knowing that you’re in perfect. So tonight, will you look in the mirror and say, yes, we try or we’ll we’ll try. I’ll try and report back until you how I feel and if it changes, how I think awesome, another piece that I really drew out of this conversation was around nervousness around sexual performance, or around on Roddick activity in the fact that those nerves are often related tau. We fear others will react not to the act itself. So pest I’ll talk about her first time doing a performance. And the fact that she wasn’t nervous for the performance. She was nervous about the way a specific person was going to respond to it, and that’s really about, overcoming the fear of judgement.

00:25:07 – 00:30:05

And when you overcome the fear of judgment it is, so freeing. And when it comes to sex, I think the more pleasure, you experience, the more you make pleasure the measure of sex, and not a specific outcome in the more you let go of shame in judgment. So if there’s anything about sex, making you nervous, consider whether or not it’s actually the sex or the fear of associated judgment, and shame and consider. If is it worth it? As an example, I record videos, we record these podcasts videos, I feel uncomfortable. Simply recording a video and putting that out there, let alone doing something where I’m performing in front of a group of strangers and titillating them with an erotic performance kudos to all of those individuals because that’s gotta take some nerve. Right. I mean, all of us was social, I’m always afraid that what I what I post is going to make people angry or elicit negative feedback. And I do get some negative feedback. Of course, plenty of it, and I also get a lot of positive feedback. And I get some negative feedback that I can take constructive. And some of it, truthfully, is, is just mean, or has really nothing to do with me. It has to do with other people with the people writing it or sending it to me. And what keeps me going is that I guess I think I’m making a difference. I think I’m hopefully helping people and so. Similarly when it comes to sex, maybe way your own pleasure, what you get out of it against the potential judgment, your dope. And I also that you’re making a big difference. Not only in this relationship, but also to other people out there. I mean when people do comment I know that they’re making an effort. I see people. I talked to my friends, and they want better relationships. They see the value in it. And I think when we when we approach anything, whether it’s approached looking in the mirror tonight and saying, yes, or just thinking that I am a good person that it will better, our relationship in other relationships, and I think if you’re listening, you’re probably trying to be a better version of yourself, which is I think, what makes you a great partner in an attractive person a good person. So, yeah, I think kudos to anyone who’s doing anything even if it’s not the path, I would take even if it’s not, you know, maybe you don’t feel like it’s working or it’s not working quickly. But I think if you’re investing time in yourself to listen to something like this. I’m sure you’re listening to even more useful podcast. Besides this, and that’s, that’s what sets you apart are good on everyone for making an effort to better themselves. I think that’s a big part of what life is. I also really appreciated that pastel talked about the fact that dating burlesque dancer allows you to weed out right away, the ones who can’t handle you. And I imagine this could be really challenging to have people judge you for your work because it’s either sexy or Roddick or even sexual, and I’m sure I’m judged for my work more than I realized, but I’m not dating. But I, I also feel as though she approaches this in such an effective way. She’d rather know from the beginning that someone can’t handle all of her then find out later and this belies the common convention in modern dating that involves hiding part of yourself until you really know one another and in only sharing once you know, them in. Her approach makes so much more sense to me. Why hide something important so that they can get to know you, and hopefully they won’t judge you so that they’ll be so attached to you. When you reveal the something that they’ll be willing to let it slide or they’re be willing to compromise. You know if I was dating I wouldn’t want someone to compromise and just accept me because they already like me or love me. Or are attached to me, I’d want someone who really likes me for all of me. And I was at an event the other day, and there were a number of dating coaches, and matchmakers, and I got into a little bit of a debate with regard to how to approach dating and talking about your expectations. So number of them were saying that, you know, for example, if you want kids, all right, if you want children, and they were talking to women, they were saying that these women’s shouldn’t tell they’re dates that they want kids until they’ve been dating for a while. They’re saying you shouldn’t have these conversations from the onset because you might. Not get a second date or third date. And will I get that it’s good to keep an open mind that you don’t need to share everything if something’s important to you? If you’re sure about something, if you know, for instance, that you wanna have a kid in the next couple of years, shouldn’t you share it from the onset to weed out the ones who aren’t interested? Do you really have a month to spare to spend all that time, dating only to break up? Once you find out that your lifestyles aren’t aligned the I love your idea of laying it all on the line.

00:30:05 – 00:35:01

I mean, sort of being being open and honest, and transparent from the onset, because suppressing version of who you really are has got to be exhausting. I could see maybe not being a lunatic when you first start dating someone saying, I want kids, I want kids, I want kids, meaning or implying you want them right now. But I think it’s important to say, I would like to have children, if that’s very important to you, because if the other person. Doesn’t wouldn’t it be a lot better? Like you said to know that from the onset before you invest a week, a month or six months of your time and effort. Yes. So I’m not suggesting that you share everything from the beginning. But I think pastels example, because she can’t hide the fact that she’s a burlesque dancer. It’s really just important to share the important stuff, so that you can weed out as she said, the ones who can’t handle you, you want someone not just who handles you who really likes all of you, and she also talked about the fact that there can be a struggle where people know her as the performer, I and they fall in love with the character as opposed to the person. And I think that’s something we all need to consider when we’re dating. Do you really know the person or are you creating a character in your mind to make them work for you? So just for those of you who are dating something to think about, what do you really know about this person? And she also talked about the fact that you fall in love and. Hate for the same reason, and this really resonated with me and it’s interesting because oftentimes the thing that really attracts you to your partner initially becomes a source of conflict over time. And so I want to read you a post from moon tower counseling, and so they check them out on Instagram at moon tower underscore counseling. And they posted this away way back in been meaning to, to follow up on it. They say one of the greatest conundrums of long-term relationships is that the attributes that attract us to our partners will eventually create a challenge in maintaining our love for them. No way of being on this planet comes without a cost and relationships are a constant reminder of that go with the flow made is great until you truly need input and your loved one is unable to access their own. Perspec-. Tive because that’s just not how they typically operate an assertive partner can be lovely until stressful times when assertiveness can begin to meld into bossy nece at some point persistence, which begins as a positive becomes unyielding adventurous becomes unsafe and thrifty becomes cheap, every wonderful character trait is on a spectrum, and sometimes the common behavior of a partner can dip into the negative connotation on the continuum. So as you seek relationships asks you’re, so as you seek relationships ask yourself, what are some of the challenges that my lovely attributes may create in a relationship, what are some qualities that? I find myself attracted, too, which might create conflict in the future. The key to dealing with this issue in relationships is too. I accept that it’s common and it helps to laugh at the situation. Of course, the attribute, I sort. Of course, the attribute, I usually love deeply about. What you is creating conflict at this moment, isn’t that just life after acknowledging the issue, people are better at maintaining empathy and understanding as they talk about their longings in compassionate ways. Let me know what you think they say, let me know what you think in the comments below. So go check them out at moon tower underscore counseling. And so. To hear all those things, and think about them in the context of our relationship. Because your way more adventurous and social than I am. And although I do love that. And because it, it gets me out and doing things and meeting new people, there have been times where I think I have thought like like, are we going to do this? Are we gonna go but overall I do really appreciate and enjoy it. And I think those moments when I am not I wouldn’t say it’s not very often that I’m frustrated with them, but when I do feel that way, it’s my own issue. But sometimes it’s just me. Sometimes I put too much on us, socially rarely, but sometimes yeah, and I think it’s more my inability to convey to you look. I’m not going to go with you tonight. You go. You do your thing. I’m gonna stay in. I’m gonna sleep. I’m gonna used to hang with the dog or or go and do something used to use the dog. A lot as an excuse to stay in what about when I just bring everyone home to our house been a few of those one.

00:35:01 – 00:38:03

AM knock on the door. And then, Jen people Burge in late night parties. Yeah. I think that’s a really great piece of advice from the tower counseling to look at your great attributes and look at how they can also potentially cause tension and then also consider the attributes or the characteristics or the personality traits or behaviors to which your greatly attracted and also consider, how that can be problematic in the big picture. And I love the idea of thinking about these. These traits are these behaviors or these characteristics along the spectrum along a continuum that, you know, it can be good at can be bad. It’s, it’s not all one or the other, and I know you and I baby I’ve talked about how the fact that you’re you’re safer. Your little more risk adverse, you would supply term. I’m an old soul. You’re in also. But I remember a friend of mine who doesn’t know us that. Well, we played on a team on Altima frisbee team together. And he was a lot like me. He’s like, kind of adventurous was making plans, very social. And I had said something like brand in Britain is not so social, and he said, why are you always harping on Brandon and, and to me, I didn’t think of it as a negative? I wasn’t saying, I want you to be more social. I’m just saying you’re not as social, and so I guess the way you perceive, a behavior is really personal. Don’t feel like you harp on me for not being as social as you. I still think I’m pretty social is just your social times ten. So I had a conversation with a tree this morning. We’re best friends, probably, I’m not even gonna go there. But I also think that it’s reflection of what you think is important. Right. Right. It’s the idea that the social person is the like being social and being there is the best version of who you can be okay because he was social, he was assuming that I was when I said, you’re less social than me. He was assuming that it was a criticism because that’s his own perspective because he’s so social. That makes so much sense. Yeah. Whereas absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to be social all the time. Right. And you can always as we say, in our house, do a Brandon Houdini. Yeah, it’s amazing. You just kind of disappear you hang out for a bit. And then he just leaves we can. Be having a party and then he’s gone upstairs, watching nine nine that’s right by himself, and everybody jokes. Oh, he did a Brandon that. No, we’re going to wrap this up. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you to pastel supernova. Real thanks to moon tower counseling as well, be sure to check them out. And thank you desire resorts. Check them out online on all social media at desire experience wherever you’re at have a wonderful week. You’re listening to the sex with Dr Jess podcast improve your sex life improve your life.