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Sex with Dr. Jess


March 6, 2018

Jess Tackles Your Relationship Qs!

This morning on Global TV’s The Morning Show, Jeff and Jess sit down to address some more viewer relationship questions. Read her advice and watch the video below, as you might be able to relate! Have a sex and/or relationship Q of your own? Drop us a line here and we may address it on the next podcast episode.

I’ve been with a new guy for almost 6 months but I’m struggling with his past because he had so many partners. I’ve only had 4 and his are way up in the double digits. Help! How can I not let my feelings ruin the relationship?

It’s normal to feel a little insecure or threatened by your partner’s past especially because your imagination is likely wilder than his reality. Some get all riled up over the possibility that former lovers were more adventurous or skilled than they are and others worry that his wild past is a sign that they’ll never be enough to satiate his needs.

Figure out what threatens you about his past and identify how you need to feel to get over it. For example, if you’re threatened by the sheer number of partners, perhaps you’re worried that he’ll just want more and more. Let him know: I need to know that I’m enough for you. If I’m not, it’s okay, but let’s talk about it.

If you’re worried that you don’t approach sex with the same finesse as his former lovers, it’s time to boost your sexual self-esteem and your sexual skills (e.g. take a sexy workshop, read a book full of techniques, ask him to show you how he likes it with his hands, watch porn together and observe his responses).

And then the cognitive side: Think back about all of your past lovers. Do they matter to you? Do you dream of them or fantasize about them when you’re with him? Probably not. Reassure yourself that his thought process is likely similar to yours — let the past go.

If he’s still friends with some of his exes, be sure to let him know that you want to be included in the friendship and socializing. You’re his primary focus now and he needs to demonstrate this in his social circles.

My girlfriend of 6 years is still friends with her ex and I can’t stand him. I don’t think they’re still into each other, but he’s just not a good influence on her. Is it fair to tell her to stop talking to him? 

  • I don’t think you can dictate whom your partner is allowed to be friends with. Having said that you, don’t have to like all of her friends and all of your friends need not be mutual. They do need to show mutual respect (e.g. you might request to be included in plans and conversations), but if you don’t like him, you don’t need to hang out with him.
  • I suggest you really analyze what is upsetting you about her relationship with her ex. Do you feel threatened, jealous or unsure about your relationship because of their connection? Or is it really a matter of his unspecified negative influence?
  • Presumably, your girlfriend is an adult and has the right to decide what influences she seeks; you can speak your mind, but I suggest you address specific behaviours as opposed to attacking his character or personhood as a whole. You’ll get more results if you address specific risks she takes when she’s with him; you don’t say why he’s a bad influence, but if you feel she puts her health or well-being in jeopardy, say so, but bear in mind that she’s an adult making her own decisions so she’s also accountable.

I often hear from people asking if it’s okay to be friends with an ex and the bottom line is that there is no universal answer. If I had to generalize, I’d suggest that if you’re friends with an ex in order keep tabs on them or cushion your current relationship in case it doesn’t work out, then you might want to reconsider. If, as in this case, they’re not looking to get back together, but simply enjoy one another’s company dispute the dissolution of the romantic relationship, it can be healthy. I do suggest that you discuss these feelings with your partner and support them in expressing how they feel — both positive and negative emotions.