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Sex with Dr. Jess


January 29, 2018

Got Relationship Qs? I’ve Got Answers!

Today on The Morning Show, Jess fields questions from viewers who are concerned about the state of their relationships. Check out the video and summary notes below.

Zahra from Niagara Falls asks via Twitter DM: I just found out that my husband of twenty-two years has opened a secret bank account. There isn’t much money in it, but how do I confront him about this?

  • One survey by found that 5% admit hiding a credit card or bank account. Prevalence increases with age with 11% of boomers reporting hidden accounts, which suggests that this practice may be on the decline.
  • Rather than confront him, perhaps you need to ask him why he has opened this account and give him an opportunity to provide some context.
  • Before you approach him, think about how this makes you feel so you can articulate your own feelings as opposed to specifically criticizing his actions. For example, do you feel hurt because you perceive it as dishonest? Do you feel scared because money is something that generally worries you?
  • It may be the case that he has something to hide, but I’ve also encountered couples who open separate accounts secretly to save for a vacation or provide financial support elderly parents. In the case of supporting family members, it’s not advisable (or fair) to hide it from your partner, but bear in mind that many of us have great difficulty talking about money especially if we associate it with feelings of embarrassment or shame.

Chris from Toronto asks: How do I know if the relationship is going to last or if we just aren’t compatible? We were so happy when we first met and now we seem to bicker almost every day. We are both willing to go to counseling and we are still in love, but is it worth it?

In your question alone, you’ve revealed a few elements that suggest that you can make this work, so I suggest you follow through with counseling. Here’s why:

1. You love one another. Expressions of affection are positive signs – be sure you’re conveying them to each other often and even when you fight.

2. You’re willing to go to counseling. The fact that you’re both on board is a sign of compatibility. Compatibility is a matter of being willing to put in a similar amount of effort to make the relationship work — especially when you experience conflict.

3. You describe a happy time in your relationship. Couples who no longer recall fond memories struggle to get over the associated anger and resentment that fuels these negative thoughts.

4. You argue. Sometimes we stop fighting because we no longer care to make an effort. Keep engaging — just make an effort to argue as a team to solve the issue rather than adversaries to prove a point or win an argument.