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Sex with Dr. Jess


August 4, 2017

A Sexologist’s Guide to Kissing

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Kissing is more than a means to an end! If you want to take your kissing game to the next level, listen to this quickie episode and try out some of Jess’ favourite techniques tonight.

This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts

Partial Podcast Transcript Below:

Kissing is apparently not a natural act – meaning that it hasn’t existed since the beginning of human time. I know that it seems to us that it’s a totally innate behaviour, historians and evolutionary researches suggest that it actually emerged from maternal feeding routines. In fact, many cultures have prospered without locking lips which serves as a reminder that kissing is an erotic art as opposed to a reproductive imperative.

From a scientific perspective — even though it’s not innate — it’s likely that kissing may have been found to find its way into the mating game eventually. Not only does locking lips result in a flurry of feel-good hormones that promote relaxation and bonding, but from an evolutionary perspective, kissing may help us to gauge compatibility and other attributes of potential mates through our olfactory system. One study revealed that women prefer men whose scents contain immune genes (histocompatibility complex) that are different than their own. Scientists believe that this instinctive desire for genetic difference serves the evolutionary function of ensuring stronger offspring. Accordingly, the degree of chemistry you experience when you first kiss, may be an indicator of compatibility measured by your nose as opposed to your mouth or other body parts.

Kissing also involves the swapping of saliva, which contains testosterone, and this hormone is associated with libido. In conjunction with other research suggesting that men are more likely than women to seek and initiate deep tongue kissing, this may explain some of the gender differences in perceptions of kissing: while men tend to utilize making out as a means to an end (sex), women view kissing as a barometer with which to gauge their lover’s commitment and monitor their relationship status.

However you view it, smooching plays a prominent role in seduction, romantic attachment, and sexual arousal. Unfortunately, in long-term relationships, we often stop kissing or push passionate kissing aside in favor of other forms of foreplay.  And while there is no universal hierarchy of sex acts, research suggests that kissing is not only good for your health but also promotes happier relationships. In one study, conducted by behavioral scientist Kerry Floyd, couples who were instructed to kiss more often reported fewer fights, greater relationship satisfaction, less stress and lower cholesterol in comparison to couples who received no instruction with regard to kissing. In addition to lowering cortisol levels (which reduces stress), kissing has also been linked with improvements to the parasympathetic nervous system, which is essential to sexual response.

Despite the mounting evidence that locking lips is good for you and your love life, mastering the art of kissing and keeping things fresh can be a challenge. So read through the following suggestions and techniques to learn a few new tricks designed to keep you happy, healthy and very much in love for years to come…

The Soft-Lipped Kiss

Some people believe that the world is divided into two types of kissers: soft-lipped and firm-lipped. But the reality is that our sexual style varies according to our mood just as our appetite changes from day to day. If your lover seeks romance and often needs help relaxing to get in the mood, slide your lips gently against theirs with only feather-light contact. Take your time and gently pucker their lower lip between yours allowing your gentle breathing to slow their breath rate and send their body into a state of deep relaxation.

Lip Lining

Give your honey a peek into your oral skills as you masterfully trace your tongue around the curves of their lips paying extra attention to the thin skin in the corners where the upper and lower lips meet. If their lips remain closed, sensually slide your tongue from one side to the other just inside the crease of their lips.

Sweet Spot

You’re probably familiar with the frenulum of the penis, but this sensitive connective tissue also exists just inside the lips. Slide your tongue inside and twirl it purposefully around the shallow space between their lips and teeth before moving on to deep, french kissing.

Basic Tongue Twirl

As you press your lips together, tilt your head slightly to the side and suck as gently as your twirl you tongue around her.

Resting Tongues

As you kiss, you not only exchange energy and saliva but a spike in dopamine, the neurotransmitter associated with reward and pleasure, can create a natural high. Prolong the euphoria by pressing your lips passionately into his resting your tongue inside of his mouth without moving. Breathe deeply through your nose as your pupils dilate and the blood rushes to the surface of your skin.

Top Shelf Kiss

Swipe your tongue along the roof of your lover’s mouth, as this area is sensitive and often neglected.

The Stoplight

Kiss your lover out in public at every stoplight or come up with a code word (e.g. “thank you” or “fun”) and stop what you’re doing to french kiss whenever you utter this buzzword.


Hold one another by the cheeks as you kiss deeply and passionately. The face is the most sensual part of the body, but receives little attention in the way of touch.

As you kiss, take turns taking the lead — being a giver and receiver — this doesn’t mean you just sit there, but allowing your partner to lead gives you a chance to learn what they like.

For Sex Geeks

Kissing and lip contact involves five of our 12 cranial nerves and up to 30 muscles including the orbicularis oris, which allows us to purse our lips and the palatoglossus, which elevates and retracts the tongue.

FAQ: Kissing turns me on, but my boyfriend says it doesn’t “do anything” for him. How do I get him to kiss me more?

You can start by telling him just how much you love his kisses and just how much they turn you on. A few sexy whispers might help you to get more of what you want…

But if you really want to eroticize any sexual activity, integrate it into the parts of your sexual routine that are already hot to create an erotic association. Make a habit of kissing him during his orgasm or while you are giving him a smokin’ hot hand job. His mind and body will eventually learn to associate kissing with peak arousal and he may become more inclined to make kissing a prelude or accompaniment to your existing sex life.

More tips:

  • Put your hands against the back of their neck, against their cheeks or around their core.
  • Breath deeply. More deeply than might feel natural. When you’re excited, anxious, nervous or waiting in anticipation, you may hold your breath.

Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

A Sexologist’s Guide to Kissing

Participant #1:
As you kiss, make sure you take turns taking the lead. Being a giver and receiver in bed, you need practice at both of these things. Some people brag about only me being a giver. Oh, I’m such a giver. I’m so generous in bed. No, you need to be a receiver too. You don’t think your partner wants to get off on being a giver, on being great, on getting you off or helping to get you off. Now, being a receiver doesn’t mean that you just sit there. But allowing your partner to lead gives you a chance to learn what they like. It also gives them a chance to show their skills and take care of you. And many of us relish in being great lovers. It’s actually a whole topic on itself. Maybe I’ll do a separate episode on this, but sometimes people who brag about being givers in bed are actually really selfish. So the same thing applies to kissing. If you’re inclined to take the lead, sometimes take a step back and let your partner have a turn at it. Let them take a turn at it. So you’re going to take turns taking the lead and then maybe you want to play with deep and shallow sucks and twirl. So for this approach, you’re just sucking gently while you press your lips in and twirl your tongue and you’re twirling really shallow, then you’re moving a little bit deeper. Now, when I say deeper, I don’t mean back toward the tonsils. Okay. I mean, like, I think in centimeters because I’m Canadian an 8th or a 6th of an inch in there and then just half an inch or so. All right. You’re not trying to tickle their Uvula. You know what the Uvula is? That funny thing that hangs down. All right, so you’re sucking gently, twirling and pressing shallow and deep and shallow, then deep. And then maybe you try the soft murmur where you just moan, a little groan a little, make some noise. You are holding your sounds back. We are all holding our sounds back in bed, and when you inhibit sound, you also inhibit circulation and breathing, which inhibits the sexual response. So make some damn noise while you’re there. You can also try a very gentle nibble again. You’re not trying to clamp down and bite off a piece of their lips and tongue. I mean, the most gentle nibble the way you would if you had, like, a little baby and you just want to get a little nibble to their cute little chubby feet. All right. You can also try it to move away from the topic of babies back to kissing, although they could lead to babies, couldn’t it? Well, not kissing on its own, only in that show glee. So you can try the full body press where you press your entire body up against them while you kiss. And as you kiss, if you’re going to keep kissing and prolonging the kiss and feeling the energy and breathing it in. Not just using kiss to get to sex, not just using kissing. Sorry to get to sex, you can try the wandering kiss where you gently pull your lips away and you work them down, perhaps their neck or their collarbone over their shoulders, wander over their body until you work your way back to their lips. So you have a whole bunch of techniques here. You’ve got the soft lip kiss.

Then we did lip lining, the sweet spot, which is the frenulum, the basic tongue twirl, the resting tongue where you don’t move your tongue, the top shelf kiss on the roof of the mouth, the stoplight or game kiss where you make a game out of it, the facial. We want your hands on our faces. Yes, this isn’t specific to gender. I’m just talking for the whole world, taking turns, taking the lead deep and shallow sex and twirls the soft murmur, gentle nibbles, the full body press. And the last one was the wander. So you’ve got a whole bunch of kissing techniques. Now, the most important thing you can do to improve your kissing game is to ask your partner what they like, obviously. Yeah. I’m going to tell you that every single time. That’s how you get better at sex, at sports, at anything you ask, right? And everybody is a little bit different. You get them to show you. Now, if you really like kissing and your partner doesn’t like kissing, you’ve got to train them to like kissing. And one way to eradicise really, any sexual activity involves integrating it into the parts of your sexual routine that are already really hot. To create what we call an erotic Association. So you make a habit of kissing your partner right before orgasm or doing during orgasm, or while you know, you’re reaching down and giving them a Smokin hot rub or hand job with your hands. So your mind and body eventually learn to associate kissing with peak arousal. And then you become more inclined to make kissing either a prelude or an accompaniment, or you have the main act in your sexual repertoire. So we call this erotic Association kiss when things are really hot, and then you’re going to want to kiss more. Another way to get more kisses from your partner involves complimenting them. Tell them how much you love it, how hot it makes you listen. People always tell me that they’re great communicators. But the bottom line is we’re emotional creatures. And when we’re emotional, we are terrible communicators, all of us. It doesn’t matter how much theory you know. So you need to practice telling your partner what you want, not waiting until you’re frustrated and saying, you never kiss me. You don’t kiss me enough. I want you to kiss me more. No saying when you kiss me, it makes me weak in the knees. Give me more. So the compliment is obviously going to get you farther than the complaint. So you’re going to use your hands in all of this. You’re going to breathe deeply. You’re going to take your time. And so this is kind of an intro primer to kissing, but it’s more than I ever learned before. I had to start kissing. If you have any kissing tips, I definitely want to hear from you. So tweet at me. Instagram at me. Facebook at me at Sex with Doctor Jess. This has been a nice, quickie podcast. I hope you have a fabulous week and I really do want to hear from you because I could learn to be a better kisser. I’m not interested in videos. Don’t send me those no unsolicited erotic videos, please. I am interested in your words. Your messages for the people who are supportive and keep it relatively clean. I like it dirty sometimes, but only with consent. Without further Ado. I’ve got to wrap this thing up. I am at sex with Dr. Jess on all social media. Today’s episode is brought to you by at Desire Resorts Magical Kingdom in Mexico where you don’t have to wear clothes and there are beautiful four poster beds and sexy things going on all around. You. Check out at Desire Resorts on all social media. We’ll put a link up here for you as well. Thanks so much, folks, and have a lovely week. Bye.