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Sex with Dr. Jess


May 10, 2017

Jess & Megan Talk Masturbation

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In this week’s podcast, Jess is joined by her friend and fellow sexologist, Megan Stubbs. Megan speaks candidly about her masturbation habits and laughs about getting “caught” by her friend before a coffee date. They both share tips for more fulfilling self- pleasure sessions (e.g. Conscious masturbation) and We-Vibe gives listeners a chance to win two of Theo new products: the Verge & the Pivot.

IMG_9214Holding degrees in Human Sexuality and Biology, Dr. Megan Stubbs is an energetic multi-media savvy Sexologist. She often hosts seminars, appears on television, speaks on radio and writes for many online and print publications. She believes that sex should be fun and uses her lighthearted, intelligent, and humorous delivery to make it happen.

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

Jess & Megan Talk Masturbation

Participant #1:
So here to talk about masturbation. I have my friend and colleague, Dr. Megan Stubb sexologist. Megan. She is Grand Rapids based, but travels. I know she’s been all over the States this year speaking. Hey, there Megan. How are you doing? Hi. How are you? I’m excellent. You know, you and I are colleagues. We’re also friendly friends, but we’ve never talked about masturbation, haven’t we? No, it hasn’t come up and we’re sexologists. I know. So if sexologists aren’t talking about it with their friends, what do you think about the rest of us? I think maybe because we’re too close to the situation. We don’t talk about it. Maybe other people are more open because they’re not living it every day. Right. We’re tired of talking about sex. We just want to talk about different types of hot dogs and wine. Right. Well, we’re going to talk a little bit. I’m going to ask you about your experience with masturbation. Would you consider yourself a frequent masturbator? I would be on the upper end of the Bell curve. I’m a frequent masturbator. Okay. Frequency is one of these interesting things. People definitely want to know how often we’re doing it, right. So do you want to tell us how often you’re doing it? Let’s see. On average, it definitely ebbs and flows this month. I’m pretty sure it’s been almost all of the days, not just because of the holiday professional courtesy, more free time on my hands, literally. And it just happens to just feel right at the time. So I just indulge myself. So you’re doing it almost every day. And you must come across this question often because I get emails from people who are concerned that they’re doing it every day or their partners doing it every day. So as an expert, but also as a practitioner, what do you say to those people? I say to them, you’re fine. You’re okay? I just think there’s a stigma around admitting too much sexuality, especially being a woman. You can’t be too sexy. What’s wrong with you? Are you some kind of deviant? Do you have sex addiction? I think just seeing that you have sexual gratification every day in society is not normal. You shouldn’t be. I don’t know this happy in society. Normal. You’re too happy for the rest of us. And I’m going to use that line. Then I’m going to say not only is it normal, I have my sexologist friends who do it every day, and they are okay. Yeah. You’re all perverts. Exactly. We’re all perverted together. So tell me, why do you do it? Because I think there are so many different reasons why, but for you. And I’m sure it changes from day to day. What are your reasons? So for sure, definitely different reasons that are happening. I’m really guilty of getting out of the shower, wrapping up in my bath towel and going to just lay down put on lotion. And I’m like, I know myself. So the lotion session kind of gets postponed while I take care of myself. Otherwise, it happens when I’m Super stressed and I can’t sleep, I will call on the power of orgasm to knock me out because my brain is just going a million miles a minute, and I need to calm down. So when the release of oxytocin helps, take me down, get me sleepy and send me off to bed. So way better than sleeping pills. So if it puts you to sleep, do you not even get to put on your lotion after? Yeah, I end up waking up, and I’m like, Dang it fall asleep again. And Megan and I are both mixed chicks. We have mixed ethnic backgrounds, so our skin needs that lotion in the cold, dry weather up here. Yes. All right. You’re doing it every day. You’re doing it after you shower. And how did you figure out what you like in the beginning?

For people who are newer to this or people who are maybe in a rut, how do you experience? I think it’s just really important to explore your body. I started very young. It sounds like I’m talking about drugs. I started when I was young in private. I discovered this on my own, and it was just through exploration of my body. I was fortunate enough to have a family that taught me about anatomy, and I was comfortable enough my own skin to explore it. And of course, the puberty came on. I’m like, wow, I got these boots and growing hair. Oh, my gosh. Stuff’s coming out. So just that natural curiosity, coupled with support from my family and books, I was able to discover myself in a way that wasn’t shamey or I didn’t feel bad about it. So once I did orgasm, I wasn’t like, oh, my gosh, what is this? This must be terrible. And then have an embarrassing conversation with mom like, oh, I did this over and over, and then this happened. So it was very private that I discovered what was going on, and I knew what was happening because of the books I had, and then I just went from there. So definitely exploring the body, feeling safe in your body and feeling safe in your environment really helps me out. Do you find that when you learn to enjoy your body, you also feel better about your body because I know you do talks on body image. Oh, absolutely. I mean, I walk around naked constantly. This was not me five years ago. This is very hard, one confidence, but absolutely. Once you know how your body likes to be touched and in what ways and where you’re better able to communicate that to a partner. And also, you become more comfortable with your body because you realize, hey, this is the vessel that’s taking me through life. And I’ll be damned if I start to hate it because someone else doesn’t like the way it looks. This brings me joy. This carries me throughout all of my life experiences. And I’m doing this one personal thing for me, and it feels so good that I’m not going to feel any shame about this. Of course, that’s, like, way at the end, after people had their journey of self love. But it’s definitely a table for people. And this isn’t for just model type, skinny people. They deserve sex and love, too. But this is for everyone. Everyone is worthy of sexuality and desire. Yeah. And I guess masterminding is one way that you learn to feel worthy, right? Because I think it can be harder when there’s a partner in the room for sure. People think people, mostly women think that, oh, they ask me, how do I orgasm the right way? And I’m like, what do you mean? What does that mean to them? And they want to orgasm through penetrative facts. They’re like, I don’t want to have to touch my clit. It’s some sort of inferior orgasm. I’m thinking back to Freud saying, oh, no, clitorals are immature. We need vaginal. Not really the best thinking. You definitely can have an orgasm with your partner. But what’s the statistic now? Like, 70% of women need cryostimulation to experience orgasm. So I even venture to say that those who are experiencing vaginal orgasms may be critical ones because as we know, the legs go around the vaginal opening so that index stimulation could end up being a clitoral orgasm anyway. But who cares? As long as you’re orgasmic and it feels good, do it. Yeah, as long as it feels good. Now what about people who maybe don’t orgasm? Do you ever have masturbation sessions where you don’t orgasm? But it still feels really good. Oh, for sure. I’m thinking about the sexual response cycle, and there are definitely times I’m just riding that Plateau. It feels super great, but I’m not going to get over the hump. Or maybe it’s dare I say I masturbated twice in a row, and I’m just like, I’m just spent. It still feels great. But I just can’t bring myself to orgasm again. And that’s totally fine, too, because you know what? It still felt good. I was taking time out from me. It felt good. I was loving myself, and it was not time wasted. So girls, with your girlfriends and with your friends. Do you talk about sex? Absolutely. Very graphically. But here’s the big question. And maybe your answer is different than mine.

Do you talk about masturbation? We do. Oh, good. All right. So do you have any tips from your friends? I have a really funny story. Don’t make a coffee date and think you can squeeze in a masturbation session before they come over. Oh, my God. I’m going to tell the whole story. So I had a coffee date with my girlfriend. And let’s say it was 1130 in the morning, and it was like, maybe 1115. I was like, you know what I can do before we go out to get coffee? I’m like, I could quickly rub one out, and I left the door unlocked for her to come in. And so she’s like, hey, I’m here, and I was like, oh, my gosh. And she’s like, what were you doing? I go, I was getting ready. Upstairs. She goes, you are masturbating, weren’t you? And I go, yes, she’s like, oh, my gosh. She’s like, you disgust me. Get in the car. And that’s sarcasm. But that’s hashtag friendship goals. Oh, yeah, for sure. I mean, we use the bathroom with each other. We see each other naked. We’re just super comfortable. And I’m just happy to have a group of civilians who are so open and accepting of me and really communicative about their sex lives, too. That’s amazing. I have to say, I don’t have those type of friendships, so I don’t know if any of my friends are listening, but we need to step this up. Years ago, I took a course on personal sexual development in Richmond, and I remember one of the assignments that was that we had to masturbate, but in a new position. And I remember it was in my 20s that it was really hard to do because I was used to doing it just one way. So if you change positions, what are your favorite positions? I like to give people info, but also stuff they can try tonight. Yeah. I feel like I took that same class. And you’re right. It is different. It’s like writing with your nondominant hand. You’re like, I can do it. It just feels strange. So for me, it’s typically on my back with my hands. I really don’t use any toys. And if I do, it’s just a simple vibrator. I rarely insert anything, but some people can do it on their stomach. Yeah, I’m a stomach person now. I didn’t used to be. I learnt this when I took the course, and that’s the cool thing is that when it comes to masturbation. So usually when we first masturbate, we do it in private, and we sort of do it in shame. And we do it under duress. So our goal is to just get it over with. So we’re training ourselves to create this, I think, dangerous habit where we’re just rubbing it out as fast as possible instead of enjoying the process. And so that’s what I always did. And then when I took this course and they told me to change positions, it was like a whole new world on my stomach. Yeah. What is this? Yes. I think that’s one really important piece for anybody who’s mastering. Next time, change positions. Roll on your left side. Roll on your right side. Do it in the bathroom. Do it in the shower. Roll on your tummy, grind up against the mattress. Anything you can do to change things up. Because in our partnered relationships, we are obsessed with variety, right? Don’t you notice everybody wants 1000 new sex positions, right? For sure. And they wanted to be easy and fast. Yeah. Why don’t we change positions and change things up when it comes to masturbating? Don’t fix the broken thing. I guess that’s the attitude. Yeah. Megan, I came across this website. I’m not sure if you’ve ever seen it. It’s called mymasturbation. Com. No, I haven’t heard that. And so it’s real people’s masturbation stories. So I’m going to read you a few and hoping to get your commentary and maybe insight. Okay. Okay. So this first one is backyard is best. And this person says I usually go outside the house at night when no one is out there and I masturbate using lotion or any lubricant. I love the feeling of masturbating when I can feel someone is watching me. Your thoughts. I think that’s exciting. Of course, in a safe environment, having someone watch you definitely ups the excitement for some people. So people like to be exhibitionists or Voyagers. So if that’s the thing that works for them, have you ever done it outside? I have not me neither. I’m too afraid of getting caught. I mean, I live in the city, so yes, my neighbors are basically on top of me, but not a good way. We’re on top of each other. Okay, so outdoors is a big thing. I also hear about people doing it on balconies, but of course, you can get in trouble. So be mindful. We’re not legal experts here. This person. I wonder if you’ve ever used a substitute dildo. This person says no dildo. No problem. Use an electric toothbrush and put a damp or dry washcloth over it, hump it and scream all you want. Oh, my gosh. I thought you were going to say for insertion, and I was like, okay, you had me. Then when you said washcloth, I was like, no, I’m going to tell them, don’t insert that vaginal chasing, but that’s for the vibration, I assume. Yeah, that’s for the outside.

So I know people who use their cell phones and send it to Vibrate. Have you heard of that? I have. I mean, I’ve seen those apps where it’s like a big joke of, like, different vibrations. And I don’t know about you, but my cell phone vibration is not going to cut it. Oh, I don’t mind really gentle vibrations. So mine probably would. But my cell phone is probably the dirtiest item that I own. Yeah, you can put it in a condom, but just the idea that no, I am going to just invest in my we’re investing for sure. Yeah, this one’s really interesting. This is about masturbating at work, which I think is more common than we realize. And this is a woman who says, sometimes when I’m at work, I get so upset I need to have some personal pleasuring to get me through. I work in an office and sewing dressed with a skirt, jacket tight, et cetera. But I have over the years found that I can orgasm by pressing my legs together when I’m wearing tights. If I’m really Randy, but usually it’s enough to feel the start of pleasure building. Even if I have to go to the bathroom and finish myself off. I like that sneaky. Do you hear about people masturbating at work? Actually, I had a previous partner where it was kind of my fault. I was sending him very erotic texts, and he said, do you know what you’re doing to me here? And he was like, oh, I can’t take it anymore. And I was like, oh, picture didn’t happen, and he ended up being one of the people who masturbated work. But did he do it in his office or go to a bathroom stall or what? It was in his office behind his desk. I hope he had his own office. I hadn’t been to his office before. Yeah, it’s pretty rare to have a private office these days. It’s mostly cubicles or coworking spaces. Oh, man, maybe I could never do it in a bathroom stall because I can barely go pee in a public bathroom stall. Yeah, I just don’t know. How would you have to keep your breath so silent? Oh, for sure. Yeah, but I think this is pretty common. I think the bottom line is people are doing it, and we’re not talking about it. So we need to be more like you and your friends if you masturbate or you want to open up the conversation about masturbation or even sex with your friends. What’s your advice to people? I think just open it up, maybe with a story and just say, oh, I had this really nice date with myself last night or just say, I had this nice date talk about you had a nice dinner, went home, and you had the best organic asthma of your life, and they can say, oh, my God, tell me about it and be like it was me because we talk about our dates with other people. We talk about our sexual experiences with our partners. We talk about whether we’re getting it or not getting it or whether they’re good or not. So good. But we don’t do it when it comes to masturbation. And oftentimes you’re your best lover or your only lover. I was going to ask you about that because you’re single. I’m single. Is it better for you on your own than with some of the guys you’re dating for consistent orgasms? I’m tough, obviously. I’m amazing. I’m the best. It takes time to both learn your partner’s body and have them learn your body, too. So eventually it can get to a level where it’s really good. But if you just want solid consistency orgasms, then yeah, obviously, no one beats yourself. But I feel like you can get there with a partner for sure, but it’s going to take some time and some patience and learning. Yeah, that’s still the case. And I think sometimes even those of us in relationships, sometimes we’d rather just masturbate because we don’t feel like we have to do all the work. Yeah. And then you can and together watch each other. This is true. That’s a whole other topic. That is one of the most intimidating sexual experiences. She’s very vulnerable. Yes, to mutually masturbate. I mean, I know couples who have been to sex parties, they’ve done lots of wild things, but the idea of masturbating in front of their partner really feels threatening, but we’re going to have to leave that for another day. Megan, thank you so much. Can you tell everybody where they can find you? Yes. Thank you so much for having me. I’m at sexologist. Megan dot. Com, on Twitter and Instagram and on Facebook. I’m Facebook. Com doctormeganstubbs. Okay, cool. We’ll link to your page as well. Thank you so much. We’ll talk to you again soon. Happy masturbating. Thank you. You too.

All right, folks. So I’m going to give you a little bit of advice and we are going to do this. We Vibe giveaway. We have the Wevive Pot Pivot and the Wevive Verge. Both of these are new products from We Vibe, who puts a ton of research into their development program. They are rings designed for stronger erections, more powerful orgasms and the ability to play in a variety of positions. Check them out at wehave. Com and enter to win both of these products one for you and one for a friend, or you can be greedy and keep them both for yourself. I suppose you guys are going to have to arm wrestle it out to win the We Buy Pivot and the We Buy Verge. All you have to do is head on over to my Facebook page so it will link it down below. But it’s also Facebook. Comsex withdoctorjazz We’ll pin it to the top. You have still a little bit of time left to win. And before we go, I want to just wrap up some advice. So I thought it was really interesting to talk to Megan about her Megan’s Masturbatory stories because I think I’m maybe a little bit more shy about talking about the specifics of mine, and she helped to bring it out for me. So I think I shared a little more than I normally would, but my advice is number one. If you’re masturbating, pull out all the stocks, use the toys, use the lube. You do it with your partner to keep it exciting, and you deserve excitement on your own, too. And Secondly, consider conscious self pleasure or conscious masturbation. What this means? Well, first of all, we’d need at least a full episode to cover this concept. And we might somehow very soon. But in a very simply incomplete nutshell, conscious masturbation involves reframing your approach to self pleasure, to really enjoy the process, to feel it in your body, connect with your breath, make it an experience instead of a quick tune up that you do as quickly as possible. Ok, so a conscious experience is slower. It’s prolonged. It’s about the acceptance of pleasure, feeling it across your body and not just the goal of orgasm. You can give that to Google and you can tune back in. We’ll do a whole episode on conscious masturbation. Number three. Give yourself permission to think about anything. Give your mind permission to wander anywhere. Last week, I had two clients arrive to meet with me separately. They don’t know each other, both in panics over fantasies. One was concerned that her partner’s fantasies were too rough, too animalistic, and that maybe it meant he didn’t love her, and the other was concerned about her own fantasies because she fantasizes often about cheating on her husband, and both of them were really upset by these fantasies. But here’s the thing. It doesn’t matter. Fantasy isn’t reality. What you think about when you masturbate may be diametrically opposed to what you want in real life. This is normal. Whatever you think about you’re. Okay? Because fantasy is a sense of escapism. It allows you to be someone who you wouldn’t be in real life. So don’t worry. Let your mind wander. A very practical tip. Play with running water. Okay. Use your shower head. Use your bathtub. Check out the sex toy. There’s one called the Water Slide. It just kind of lets the water drip on you use water. When you’re doing this, try it in the shower. Slow it down. If you don’t orgasm, it’s no big deal. Masturbation doesn’t always have to be about a goal. And then finally, because I always get questions about each of these topics about how to handle it from a parenting angle. If you have children or you’re a teacher or you’re working with kids and they have questions about masturbation, your job is to give them the data and then let them reconcile it with their personal familial, religious, social beliefs. You’re going to give them the data on masturbation. It is common. Most people do it at some point in time. Only 2% of people will develop Harry Palms from masturbating. That was a joke. People you won’t get Harry palms. You won’t go blind. There aren’t really any adverse effects from masturbating, even if you do it every day, even if you do it twice a day. Having said that, if you don’t want to do it, that’s okay, too. All right. So if you are wondering, how do you answer your kids questions, you just give them the data and then you let them work out what they want to do with it. So you’re not saying you must do this. You shouldn’t do this. You certainly want to teach if they’re very young and they’re touching themselves the difference between private and public. So you say that’s a private activity just like you don’t go pee on the couch at Grandma’s house. You don’t masturbate on the couch at grandma’s house. That’s for you behind closed doors. Now, I just want to say a big thank you to our friends at Revive who have generously donated their top grade sex toys. These we Vive pivots and we Vibe Verge very excited to check them out. You can win a we Vive pivot and a we divide. Verge VMI Facebook Page sex with Dr just so make sure you entertain a friend. Enter multiple times if you’d like to share it. For more entries, these penis rings are about Fuller long lasting erections. More powerful orgasms stimulates the perineum. This other one here and you can use them in multiple positions. So I’m very excited for these toys. Brand brand new. So I’m checking them out with you, but not with you, but around the same time as you. But I do know Levi and I know their products. Proud Canadian company have been playing with their new toy. Also, the Witch, which you should check out. That is all the time we have. I went over, which barely happen. I swear to God again, this is Sex with Dr. Jazz. Follow me on Instagram. Twitter Facebook. Make sure you enter our contest and I will be back with you next Wednesday. Have a good one, folks.